How do I improve my sex life with a very shy partner? Help a tired sub out!

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hi everyone — longtime Lovehoney fan, first-time poster here!

I’m hoping for a bit of advice, because I’m honestly at my wit’s end when it comes to our sex life.

I’m 26F, and my partner is 27M. We’ve been together for almost eight years and have a great relationship outside the bedroom — open, supportive, and loving. But unfortunately… that connection just doesn’t seem to translate into sex.

My partner struggles with really severe anxiety, and it often makes the experience tense or mechanical. It feels like he’s running through a script in his head of “how to do sex properly” rather than actually being present and enjoying the moment. He’s also very self-conscious about his body and performance (he’s totally average at 5 inches — nothing to worry about), but he gets so in his own head that he often struggles to stay hard.

He will initiate sex, which I appreciate, but once we’re in the moment, he finds it really hard to take charge, especially when it comes to foreplay. It sometimes feels like he’s trying to “solve” me instead of feel with me — and let me tell you, nothing kills the mood faster than being treated like a human puzzle cube.

For context: he lost his virginity to me, and hasn’t been with anyone else. I had a few partners before we met, so I know that sex can feel very different to this — more fun, more free, more connective.

He’s also been through a lot, mental health-wise (severe OCD and psychosis in recent years), and the medication understandably put our sex life on pause for a while. Only in the past few months have we been trying to re-explore intimacy again — and it’s been… hard. For both of us.

Personally, I’m really struggling. I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel wanted. And I definitely don’t feel sexy. I’m a natural sub, and while he says he’s into BDSM and enjoys the dominant role, I don’t think he has the confidence to actually step into it. That leaves me leading the entire scene every time, and I’m exhausted. I’m craving that feeling of being looked after, desired, and taken care of — and it’s just not happening.

I love him so much. He’s my best friend, and I know this isn’t easy for him either. But I’m stuck between wanting to support him and quietly mourning the sexual connection I wish we had.

Has anyone else been through this? Any advice? Resources? Words of encouragement? I don’t want to give up — I just want to feel wanted again.

Thanks in advance from your friendly neighbourhood tired, touch-starved sub. :purple_heart:

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Welcome to the forum

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Role play may work for him, I get the anxiety bit as a fellow sufferer you could say, role play made me much more self confident he will have to have a good imagination for it to work properly, but it did work for me. Welcome to the forum too :slight_smile:

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Welcome to the forum and so sad to hear of your struggles on both sides. I think some couples counselling might be worth looking into but also things that are going to help his confidence build up and relax so you can then get the desired benefits your after…
ultimately it may be the case this is just how it is for him yet maybe with some guidance and more experience he could improve. Sounds like he wants to do better for you.
Has he ever considered trying poppers? They’re meant to help chill you out a bit…

Also random question, has he been diagnosed for autism?

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I also think the couples counselling might be the way to go.

He’s never been diagnosed but he’s absolutely on the spectrum. we have both been in a form of therapy together the last two years (me as a supportive role, mainly for his other anxiety issues) and he has massive problems because he is so used to masking that it makes it really difficult to get anywhere with q therapist.

I’d be down for the poppers but that’s against the rules and would kill him I fear :sweat_smile:

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He’s an avid nerd and D&D player so roleplay could definitely work, I’ll try and approach him with this tonight :heart:

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Sounds very familiar as I too am on the spectrum, we call it my tism’s :rofl: Lets us know how it goes but something that works well for us are things like monogamy the board game, just got to read the card and do what it says so very little self thought needs to go into it. Role play is always a good thing and im sure will be appreciated. Good luck

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I really hope some people come up with some great suggestions but I can fully understand the frustration. Welcome to the forum, you will certainly find everyone very supportive and hopefully some great idea’s. It may take little steps but could lead to a massive leap. Good luck and welcome to the forum.

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Oh, honey. As one natural sub to another, if I could reach out and give you a great big subby hug, I would!

We’re a decade older than you, literally! (36F/37M, hubby is also an avid gamer), but this has something we’ve had our issues with too. We both have anxiety (and OCD/PTSD for me, so yay!) and whilst I’ll happily read any therapy book or website in a bid to get better, hubby just… won’t. He likes quick fixes and instant cures, not “get better over time” stuff. We’re both anti-medication, both had bad effects on it.

The one place I can’t help you is in communicating with someone who is neurospicy; you’ll be far more experienced in your boyrfiend’s own communicaton patterns and habits than what I am. That said, I hope that some of my experience/advice/feedback can help.

Feedback! Lots and lots of feedback, and really amp up the positive and be super-gentle with the negative. If my husband does something right, we don’t hear the end of it, but if something goes wrong, it’s like the sun has set and will never rise again. He needs to know that he is good and that you love him and are proud of him. Not what he is doing wrong, but what he could do better. What you would like from him. Men are great, but they aren’t mind readers. If you don’t tell him, you can’t expect him to know.

Consider setting up a shared journal. Master and I use the Obedience/Embrace app duo: one is like a task-setting, points-reward app, and the other is like a shared journal app. Be careful how you write, aain, you want to discuss how you feel, not attack his character. Use “I feel” statements - be objectional, not victimised.

Lastly, maybe step away from some BDSM fiction for a while - it’s fantasy and not a reflection of “real” BDSM. Erotica is great, but these characters are fictional (and maybe demonstrating some unhealthy traits), not real. A possessive partner may sound hot and sexy, but is he so hot and sexy when he won’t let you go anywhere without permission, or won’t let you talk to men? Understand that your partner loves you. Take a look at the love languages, learn his, and see how he shows love to you. My husband is a big gift-giver, even if it’s not my primary love language. I’d much prefer it if he at least cleaned the kitchen in the evenings, but I’ll have to settle for a weekly bag of Squashies in my desk instead :slight_smile:

I hope all this is of some help/assurance. If there’s anything else I can help with, just shout :slight_smile:

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Therapy can take quite some work to get someone to open up and annoyingly nhs referrals are lacklustre in my opinion as your given only 6 sessions an hour long each and are expected to be fixed by the end of it when really by the 6th session your more than likely to then be starting to make progress only for it to be cut off :face_with_spiral_eyes:

If your able to get some couples counselling via a local charity run organisation then you’ll hopefully be more entitled to longer sessions.

Maybe also see if he’d consider being assessed for autism as never know it might make some help for him

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First, welcome. This is a great place.

I hear you talking about his issues but what I dont hear is what you are doing. Here is the thing - “fixing” people is hard. Its significantly easier for you to take steps than to hope someone else does.

You said you are a natural sub. Start acting like one :grinning_face: -

  • gets some hand cuffs/quick cuffs. Get nekked. Put them on and beg him not to face fuck you
  • get nekked, beg him to let you masturbate. Instead of having him try to figure it out, show him
  • get nekked, beg to be forgiven and ask what you can do to earn clothes back “even if that means you whip me (point to whip) or paddle me (point to paddle) or cane me (point to cane)”

You can lead while still being sub.

good luck

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How would be go if he came home to an orc costume, with yourself “dressed” as a helpless wood elf? Maybe tap into that dnd nerdiness in a sexy, kinky way!

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Hello @user1151, this looks like a post that has been on here for several months. I’m just now seeing this one since there have been some more recent replies. Sounds like everyone has given some great advice and ideas for you to try to help solve some of the sexual challenges in your relationship.

Before going any further, I’m curious how this has developed over the months since your original posting in July. I’m hopeful you’ve found some help and that things have improved. Would love to hear an update, and maybe we can revive the discussion based on where it’s at now.

Huge hugs for you, hoping that things are going better! :people_hugging::people_hugging::pink_heart:

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I entirely understand the anxiety, and within the kink world, anxiety, being on the spectrum or having ADHD etc are not unusual. As someone put it, if you are on the spectrum, then you like rules.

For those starting to get into kink, then find your local munch. Its simply a social gathering, usually in a pub, in a vanilla setting etc. For many on the kink scene , they have played in private, but not actually gone to one.

But its very liberating, and it can really build confidence, plus get information. Because you realise you arent alone. Once you start doing that, you can feel like doing other things. Such as events, going to markets etc

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@user2091 hello and welcome,

I used to run a munch myself and I used to attend a monthly event too. I don’t anymore but that’s only because we prefer playing at home. It doesn’t matter if we fall asleep here, but you can’t do that in a sex club! :wink: