My wife and I now own a decent number of toys and lingerie, and sometimes she dresses up and sometimes we use a toy or two, but other times we just strip out of our everyday clothes and enjoy each other without anything else. In fact, just a few days ago she specifically requested that we “have loving sex” instead of “being kinky and putting on lingerie.”
It got me thinking, how often do people switch things up?
In the times before we had any toys or lingerie, we just had sex. But now that we’ve got options, I was wondering what an “average” percentage of time being “kinky” is for most couples. Is it just special occasions or every other day?
Obviously everyone’s relationship is different, and relationships and sexual preferences can also change over time, but I guess my wife’s choice of words got me worried that maybe she feels pressured to dress up or use toys.
I’ll be talking to her to make sure we’re on the same page, but I’m curious if any other folks have had similar thoughts/concerns/conversations with their partner(s)? In the past she has always expressed excitement whenever a new toy or outfit arrived, so maybe I’m just overanalyzing things and she was really just a bit tired and didn’t want to go through the trouble of figuring out a bunch of straps
I think most of what we do is average / plain / not kinky. Since we started using sex toys this summer, they’re almost always involved I get horny a lot when my husband is not, so if I want him to join me, those are the times my lingerie come out, and I try to be as provocative as possible
Before our son came along, unless it was a quicky, I would dress up in sexy lingerie & hubby would wear leather pants, thongs etc but since having our son, it has been extremely difficult to spend time to do these things. But recently we’ve been starting to get back to it like the good old days. Its fantastic, we have really missed it. So now, we’re like teenagers again and mega horn again. We’re getting kinky & trying out new outfits, new toys, restraints etc so regularly where we can.
I suppose it depends on your personal definition of kinky. For me kinky is breaking out the cuffs and collar, which i only do occasionally. Toys are my norm most of the time but if i want to feel special i will get spiffed up and put some lingerie on.
It varies for us, most of the time it’s kinky. I just love to be dominated, tied up, blindfolded, and spanked wearing lingerie.
Some mornings before he goes to work we’ll have a quickie.
Weekend mornings we’ve had our passionate sex.
Really depends for us Usually no toys as sometimes we want something fast and rough, but if we’re in the mood and up for a longer session we might not use toys for the first round, but then we’ll break them out after that I plan on stashing more toys around the house though and having them in a bedside caddy that hangs off our bed frame along with some lube so they’re insanely easy to reach Lingerie depends on how I’m feeling, as I’ll typically surprise him with it after he gets off work but really depends I agree though that depending on the type I do need a fair amount of “prep time” to get it on so I can understand just wanting to rip clothes off I do want to incorporate toys more though as I’m not someone who can orgasm through penetration alone, and I actually haven’t been able to orgasm with my partner as I typically don’t have my toys within easy reach when we’re going at it (which worries him that he isn’t enough so I have to reassure him that orgasm is not the main reason why I have sex) Again, toys can take some time though and a bit of attention and sometimes I’ll have to switch between a few before I find one that works for me that day (my clit is a fickle thing), so I get being too tired to bother with them I don’t think toys take away from the loving aspect, in fact I think we take more time focusing on each other when we pull our bondage gear and toys out because then we’re focussing more on the other person and their pleasure “Kinky” sessions for us are typically when we’re not SUPER horny, or after we’ve had sex and reset and just want to spend time having fun together, maybe a few times a month (if that)
I would say that most of the time it’s just us. It is one of our goals to get more “kinky”. We have the cuffs, restraints, tape, and paddle but just haven’t had the energy or time to really get into it. We use toys every now and then; a vibe or cock ring once or twice a month. We would like to use the other toys we have more often too.
@excitedlulu it’s definitely much more of a challenge after having kids! We definitely aren’t as spontaneous as we used to be, but I think the harder aspect is always keeping an ear open for any crying children or potential knocks at the door and feeling a bit under the gun to not take too long before one of those things happen
It also takes a toll on the mind and body (we’ve got little ones) so I think some days we’re just spent from all that and toys and lingerie can either help get over that hump or just seem daunting.
We go through phases of having lots of kinky sex - using toys and equipment.
Then other times having mostly vanilla sex.
It really just depends on how life is at the time and whether any hassle and stresses are getting in the way - taking our valuable time and energy.
I reckon half the time we just manage some quick play and sex before going to sleep, sometimes involving a toy or 2. The other half of the time when it’s more convenient - I love to take time to dress up and get gags, restraints, whips and clamps out.
I tend to have more fun when it’s a kinkier night and I always feel more sexy when I take the time to dress up.
But sometimes you just don’t feel like it because of the hassle when you know it isn’t going to be on for long anyway. Especially if it involves suspenders!!
With the OH it used to be at least once a week but recently it has sadly become once every 3 months if I’m lucky!!
Kink is more or less a solo activity now!!
I’d say probably 80/20 for us - my wife has to be really in the mood for what I would class as ‘kinky stuff’ which might be using a butt plug, or putting on a show for me in sexy gear. However toys are used much more. Our Mantric wand is probably out 60% of the time for warming up!
@rosiedosie I can usually get my wife off with just my tongue, fingers, penis unless she’s too tired or stressed, so the toys have been something we started using a year or two ago to mix things up. I totally agree with the prep time; we haven’t done any couples prostate play because I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it without properly douching and stuff first. And I’m sure some of the lingerie could be a chore to strap into
I talked to her last night and let her know that I enjoy “vanilla” sex just as much as when she is wearing something sexy or we break out a vibrator or something. She said she likes all that stuff too, so I’m glad she’s not had a sudden change of heart or anything, and I let her know that I may have been on a bit of an overenthusiastic buy-and-try spree since we haven’t been able to have sex for quite a while due to having a baby.
I’m glad for all the responses on this thread, helps to have some perspective from other folks
@Cupc8kes yeah, I think this probably describes my wife and I pretty well (and apparently other folks in the thread too). The more lengthly sessions with a few toys are always super fun, but I guess they are so fun because they aren’t on the everyday menu
We also have young kids at home to contend with, so I reckon if we had a bit more privacy and energy, we might do less “vanilla” sex
I guess it’s sort of like pizza, where even the worst slice of plain, old cheese is still pizza
Interesting question. We tend to be quite kinky even if it’s just a bit of primal biting, scratching and rough sex. We love our BDSM side though. We have kids though so proper kinky stuff has to be planned. For us though it’s more toys and impact stuff rather than lingerie although if we have planned a scene it will involve dressing up, full restraint etc
Lol @ScorpioDaddy I was literally exactly the same…my beautiful wife had to tell me to stop buying stuff as it was a bit overwhelming….however everything has been tried at least once now…even if some stuff sat around for months unused.
It sounds like you’re in the right place tho with your OH…communication is key….
Thanks for the words of encouragement. She and I have a really solid relationship and the bedrock is open, clear communication. Sometimes we might argue or misunderstand each other a little, but we always work towards being on the same page at the end of the day and being kind to each other.
I get horny a lot when my husband is not, so if I want him to join me, those are the times my lingerie come out, and I try to be as provocative as possible 
Usually no toys as sometimes we want something fast and rough, but if we’re in the mood and up for a longer session we might not use toys for the first round, but then we’ll break them out after that 
I plan on stashing more toys around the house though and having them in a bedside caddy that hangs off our bed frame along with some lube so they’re insanely easy to reach 
Lingerie depends on how I’m feeling, as I’ll typically surprise him with it after he gets off work but really depends 
I agree though that depending on the type I do need a fair amount of “prep time” to get it on so I can understand just wanting to rip clothes off 
