Hi guys, I know i always come on here with my problems and i don't really join in other discussions (i dont really have time these days).
But i hope someone is kind enough to give some advice on what has been a good relationship (for once) so far.
I have been seeing this guy for almost 2 months. Its been going great, i see him once or twice a week. He's a single dad and i seem to trust him. Unlike the other guy when i was mooching on his phone and found that he was a player lol.
But anyway when i was with my new fella on Tuesday i had some awkward feelings. I didnt know how to make it out. I thought i know i can trust him but what the hells going on? and then on wedsnesday i had these really horrible feelings when i was at home, i had cried and everything and felt sick. I never felt like that with him before.
But yesterday now after being with him for almost 2 months he mentions he has 2 other daughters. I was quite shocked that he never told me. Before i started seeing him i asked him how many kids he got and he said the 1 thats living with me. Disregarding the other 2 thats not with him
Shall i accept this as a delicate issue to him that he doesnt like to discuss and part of getting to know each other? Or is this a trust issue? I dont know im really stumped. I don't wanna ask him too many questions incase he thinks i might judge him or something. He seeing his other daughter tomorrow so hes been happy.
But i'm really disappointed that he has never told me, me being left in the dark. Its all been going good otherwise...His daughter always asking for me and that. And this is our first little row, so thats a bit of good news anyway in a way. and that horrible feeling has gone i think (thank god its not another woman!) My feelings for him has grown a lot for him recently too. I was gonna tell him but the horrible feelings stopped me.
get all the truth out, my hubby when i met him was honest and that was 7 years ago, but we still get hassle from the mother of the kids etc and be prepared to give up weekends for him to have access to the kids etc, your life wont be yours until the kids are grown up. trust me
Personally, and this is personal opinion, I couldnt trust someone that hidden two children from me. However sensitive it was.
But I notice after 2 months (a short time for a relationship in my eyes) he was the one to tell you. Maybe he didnt want to scare you with having three kids so hid the others. But I dont know, just think if I had 3, 4, 5 kids elsewhere I would be proud of my kids whatever the situation and sell myself to a new partner as a father of said children. Accept me as I am.
Yeah when we were talking about arguements etc a whileback...he said he doesnt like talking about personal things. maybe we should just carry on and i will get over it as i dont know what to make of it. And the relationship has been good so far, and it seems like a lot longer than 2 months.
But as Rach says he must get it all out, face to face mind. But at least he has told me now anyway,
He may have not told you about his other two daughters because he was afraid you would have left him. Not all women want a reltionship with a man who has three children.
There are two ways you can take this news, accept he has told you esrly in the relationship rather than leaving it later and respect him for that or if its too much for you to take in then talk to him, ask him why he didn't tell you sooner. Be calm and he'll trust you enough to tell you.
Maybe because in your past relationship you found out he was a 'player' and lost your trust. This could have been carried into your new relationship. Once one man has broken your trust you might find it a little more difficult to trust another man. (i've had this problem before) i wouldn't let it get to you or your relationship.
I woud sit down and talk to him, calmly. and ask why he hadn't told you about his daughters sooner. If you don't have a big problem about it then reassure him about it. That you understand. It'll make him feel a lot better about it too probably.
Thanks Guys. I am glad he has told me in the end. I guess its better than not telling me at all and then i would end up thinking i was just 'Sex'. But still mad he didnt tell me when i asked. Looks like a little talk is coming soon.
might be that he didnt wanna mention it incase it put you off him? it is only two months into what could be a long relationship
This ^ ^ ^... Not sure how old he is, maybe if he is young-ish, he perhaps thought telling you he had 3 kids (you don't say how many mothers, that might be an influential factor too) would be off-putting and he wanted to be with you. I'm sure he probably had the best of intentions even if that has manifested itself in a way to make you feel uncomfortable.
I would have a good chat with him and then see how you feel
It seems like you wanted there to be trust issues. You've had trust issues in the past with your ex and maybe things were all a bit too plain sailing with this guy that u wanted there to be an issue?
I understand why he didn't tell you about his 2 other children. If I had three kids and was on the dating scene, I'd want someone to get to know me for me and not judge the fact that I have 3 children and a certain amount of failed relationships. It also brings up the awkward questioning of why does 1 live with you but the other 2 don't? Some people are more private and aren't into spilling their entire life in an early relationship. I think he has been fair in telling you 2 months into the relationship. He must feel that he can trust you to handle that part of his life.
Also people don't like to continue to introduce new partners into their kids life until they feel happy that it will lead somewhere. I think he was protecting himself from being judged, making sure you were right and protecting his children from becoming attached to a new person for them to disappear.
Yeah i understand why he didnt want to tell me yet. maybe i'm just being a bit paranoid and had a bit of a shock. But dont wanna be a push over like i use to be.
He is actually one of the best males (not just on about bf's) ive come across. Even if he was just a friend. Not that we could just be friends though.
Tbh I disagree with some of the other posts, whether its early days in a relationship or not having 3 kids is a pretty massive thing to hide. 2 months is plenty of time to like someone enough to be badly hurt when something like that comes out, I do think he has been pretty inconsiderate but I should think he probably didn't lie just to get you into bed from what you've said about him and that he didn't tell you because he didn't know how/was scared he would frighten you off etc. I do think you need to tell him your not happy about it though and find out his reasons for the untruths.
That said I would be fuming, something like that dictates your whole future. I knew my bf had kids before I got involved and I knew that things wouldn't be plain sailing, that said I had no idea of how bad that impact is. I've had to give up every single part of my hopes and dreams for the future because he already has kids and I stupidly fell in love with him and can't walk away now. If we split up in the future there is NO WAY I would ever choose to date someone with kids ever again. I think people deserve the right to walk away when its something as life changing as a person is already a mother/father.
very well said morefun, thats exactly how i feel, you know its not going to be plain sailing but you never realised how hard it is, not just the fact of kids but also the tie your OH has for life with his EX
I really don't know what to think. I agree on both sides. I suppose different people deal with it in different ways (especially being male) . I might be making excuses? I will be telling him i am disappointed he didnt tell me. it is inexcusable. I think he has had the other 2 a bit young (i havent asked these questions just yet). And i can see his point of view he didnt want to scare me away perhaps, trust doesnt just come like that. And as for me, he's gotta understand that i will want kids one day.
Maybe he can't answer the question himself. He did seem quite upset though.
And if he loves me enough when the time is right then he won't see a problem. After all i like him for him and not what he has done in the past. I've just got to take on board now that hes got 3 kids. I'm just thankful he has told me. I have asked him if he's got any other suprises and he said no.
So apart from this the relationship has been going great (nothings perfect) and recently i have started to fall for him. I do like him enough to give him a second chance and he has done nothing else wrong.
