I find it challenging how reluctant my OH is to be more adventurous in bed. I've always tried to get a sense of what sort of things he would like to try, or what his fantasies are, but I get nothing! He loves me wearing suspenders and corsets, but that is all. He knows I'm very open minded, and willing to try many things, but he never acts on it. Could it be that some men such as him just don't have anything they want to try?
Anyway, one of my main fantasies is using under bed restraints, either way round (I love both being dominant and submissive). He has had a very low sex drive in the recent past, due to gastric medical issues, but he has recently found some medication that works, and his sex drive has been much better. So after umming and ahhing, I decided to get some, thinking 'what's the worst that can happen?!' Then the other day, after giving him head for a while, I told him I'd bought a little something I wanted to try out, and asked if he'd mind me tying him to the bed (I wasn't sure how to approach it, so that's the way it went!) I can't really tell what he was thinking but he looked inquisitive and said ''OK then..'' so I reached for the cuffs from under my bed which were already secured to the bed. But as I went to put one around his wrist, he pushed it away and said ''not now, there's plenty of time for that' and just wanted me to return to giving him a normal blow job, then sex in several positions on the floor. After a while, he returned to the bed, and gestured towards the cuffs and said ''ok, go on then...'' and I said ''are you sure? only if you want to!'' He said 'yes' but then was all twitchy about it when I put them around his wrists, and kept trying to reach down to touch himself (defeating the object of them somewhat!) I didn't even get to put the ankle restraints on, because I sensed he was so funny about it, so I quickly finished him off, and that was that :/
Would you say I went about this the wrong way? I suppose I must have! I think it is possible that he only likes being the dominating one, and that being submissive in that way takes him too far out of his comfort zone. Has anyone else experienced partners like this? He likes treating me rough and being quite forceful during sex, so I probably should have guessed. Maybe he'll put me in the cuffs at some point and enjoy it. I suppose I'll have to leave my ideas of tying him down in the world of fantasy!
Anyway, just posting because I would be very grateful to hear anyone's advice or suggestions about this :-) I've ended up feeling quite silly for buying them in the first place!
Personally i would love this and think that you did go about it in the right way, but everybdy is different and by the sounds of it, he is not very submissive, so i don't know what to suggest, hopefully you will have better luck in the future with him, and hope he ties you down, thats the best way, anyway!
I don't think because he was a little apprehensive at first means he's not willing. I think it was quite optimistic he was willing to try. It might take a little while for him to get used to the idea of venturing out from the norm and being adventurous. It's great that he didn't refuse outright or that would really mean he's unwilling.
You know you partner more than anyone so you'll probably know the best way to go about it- which is subtly introduce it. And you have done that. Since you said he may be uncomfortable with the one being in a submissive position at first you may want to bring out that erm.. roughness of him being the dominant one and using the restraints on you. Try roleplaying with you being submissive and suggest to him tying you down so he can access you easier?
Don't feel silly for wanting to try new things! It's a big step and can take time. I don't think your partner is against the idea at all just may take some time to get his head round it at first. I think he's willing to try atleast for you. I think there are some blogs that advise in how to introduce a little light bondage. http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2010/09/13/bdsm-for-vanilla-lovers-bondage/
Don't feel silly - it certainly sounds like it's an idea he's willing to work with.
Hella wrote a FANTASTIC blog called Sexual Domination - How Do I Dominate? which suggests some very subtle ways of dominating your partner, including how you ask things, e.g. I want you to... I am going to... Do you like it when I...? Do you want me to...?
I love Hella's suggestions for how to subtly dominate. Maybe if you start with these smaller steps he will start to like the idea of being more submissive? Do you have a blindfold? He might be reluctant because he was self-conscious in taking up a different role, but a blindfold can really help with making giving control over easier.
I've found that writing a sexy, suggestive note is a good way to bring up a new sexual idea. When there's been things I've been curious about, I've written a short, to the point, but sexy note about what it is I am fantasising about and left it somewhere for my Husband to find. I find it near impossible to talk dirty face to face, but can write a steamy note, and this way he know's exactly what I want/what to do, but can think about the idea I am suggesting in his own time - sometimes a note will have an instant effect, other times, he'll act on the note as a suprize at a later date, when he's ready. He's quite a gentle lover, and I often like things rough, so I find this a good way to broach a subject.
Of course I communicate with him verbally too, but if there's something 'special' I want to have happen, a note is a non-threatening way of suggesting it.
I think you brought the subject up in a sensible way and he's obviously prepared to try for you, but I think it may just be a case of him feeling uncomfortable with the role's being switched. If you're happy to be restrained yourself, why not try leaving him a naughty message explaining how you want him to tie you up and what you want him to do to you when he does...? If he likes being the dominant one, he'll probably love that!
Me and my wife are just starting out down this route, i for one have never ever wanted to try it but as i get older the not knowing is getting to me. i will be the dominant one as its something i still feel i cannot have done to me(yet)
me and the wife sometimes send an email to the other to get feed back, as that way it can be said and explained whilst not getting the words wrong,
Only advice i can give is talk to yuor husband again about it but not whilst having sex/blowjobs etc, and see what reaction you get, he might be just like me, fancies trying it but him being the dominant one for the time being. I think anything new in a sexual, no matter how long you have been together needs to be taken slowly and let it develope.
Thanks very much for your advice and thoughts! Those links are really useful :)
I think I will try to leave hints (perhaps in notes or emails as MrsP and Deepblue suggest), suggesting that I'd like him to tie me down. Hopefully he might enjoy that. The tying him down bit I will leave for a while, but see if he begins to come round to it over time. I certainly wont force the idea though- I guess some men just can't get their head around being submissive. I think maybe he was a bit alarmed as he didn't expect it too! I'm just hoping I haven't left him feeling 'not good enough' for not fulfilling my fantasy!
I agree with the others, he seemed willing to try it so maybe he was just a little nervous? My OH is so vanilla, if it was left to him we would probably have sex once a week with me on top for the rest of our lives! He needs a push in the right direction and usually loves whatever it is i'm suggesting!
I guess it all depends on what he was thinking/feeling at the time and the only way to find that out is to ask!
Maybe he felt shy/inexperienced/nervous/out of his depth.
Maybe he said yes to please you but actually didn't want to. Being tied up is easy for some people but not for others. I'm very open minded and can kink with the best of them but having my hands and feet both bound can make me pretty nervous if I'm not in the right mood. Also not everyone is a natural switch, some people are much more comfortable in one role or the other, perhaps your OH would prefer being in charge.
The fact that he was willing to try though is pretty positive. Maybe if you tried tying yourself up naked and calling him into the bedroom he might respond more enthusiastically!
You could also try showing him some erotic art with some light bondage in it so he can see it doesn't have to entail vices, clamps, whips and chains!
Another idea might be to look on LH together and see if anything inspires him.
There are some sexy adult games like Monogomy that have a little element of bondage in them, that might be quite a gentle intro and a good way to explore your fantasies together.
Basically it just comes down to a combination of communicating and starting slow!
There are some sexy adult games like Monogomy that have a little element of bondage in them, that might be quite a gentle intro and a good way to explore your fantasies together.
T'is true... And if the intro to bondage is in the context of a light hearted game it may not seem so scary! We have Monogomy and it's not exactly hardcore, but great fun and always gets things steamy! If nothing else, it'll 'propose' light bondage 'dares' and it could open up a discussion between the two of you, without you having to bring it up, if you feel that may be awkward...