I walked in on my wife masturbating and now I'm jealous and paranoid

Sex Tips & Talk
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A few months ago my wife was having a lay in as she said she was tired. I popped up to see if she wanted a cup of coffee and she was playing with her sex toys. This caught me of guard as I didn’t realize this was what she did on her “lay ins”. We have been together for nearly 30 years and this was the first time I was aware of her masturbating. At first I thought it was a new thing and was worried I wasn’t satisfying her and that she wanted someone else. I have now found out that she has been doing it for most of the 30 years. Since the incident there have been a couple of times where I have tried to initiate but she has said not to night or I have a headache. The next morning she has taken a lay in with the door locked, which has me wondering if things aren’t as she has said.

When I think about it I don’t have an issue with her masturbating but I do feel resentful as I never have the same opportunity as her as I’m the one who has to walk the dog and do the morning chores. I find it hard that she has kept this a secret from me for nearly 30 years. Also I would love more sex as I have always had the higher sex drive but she says masturbation isn’t the same as sex. I have asked to watch as I find female pleasure a huge turn on but she said no this was her private time. I do find it difficult to deal with the times where she says no to sex but then masturbates the next morning, it kind of feels like she’s choosing that over me. Unfortunately this has made me paranoid and a bit jealous of the toys, part of me thinks I should just man up but I can’t help the feelings I have. I also feel a bit put on as I’m doing all the chores while she is having fun, I’ve always been a soft touch but I never thought she would take advantage of it. I’ve now stopped initiating sex so there is no risk of rejection.

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As a total neutral with only the information you gave in your post, I have sympathy for both of you here.
I agree with your wife that masturbation is different to sex. I also agree that doing it solo is a totally different experience than doing it with someone watching g. Sometimes I just want to masturbate and will choose that above sex, which I know is selfish, but sometimes you deserve to be selfish - so long as there’s a balance struck.
Should she have told you? Of course, but there may be reasons she didn’t or felt she couldn’t - I don’t know the full details and wouldn’t want to speculate.
Of course I also have sympathy for you and can totally see your point. I can tell you how you should feel or how you should react.
All I can suggest is that can’t really go back and change anything in the past, all you can do is put your cards on the table, try to get to the root of the issue and discuss how you can resolve it/come to a compromise going forward that satisfies you both.
Whatever happens, I hope you work it out.

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Hi there @birminghamdad44

This has been me but slightly different. I was masturbating due to not having sex at all and I got “caught” but he just walked out saying “oh you’re busy”
I really do feel for you…I stopped initiating sex too as the rejection affected me mentally.

I understand how after 30 years you’ve only just “found out” that your wife masturbates that it must have been a bit of a shock. But as you must know yourself masturbation isn’t the same as sex…and she has expressed that this is her private time…and you must respect that.

You need to talk out of the bedroom…talk…talk and then talk some more but when you both are ready to…and you both have the time…it could be a whole load of reasons…I wouldn’t even begin to speculate.

Good Luck

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I’ve got a different take here: I’m a wife who gets rejected a lot because hubby is often too tired from work, so I masturbate because, well, sometimes I just have an itch that needs scratching. He doesn’t mind, as long as I clean up after myself - and I do.

That your wife not only rejects your involvement but even locks you out is quite hurtful and I have to wonder why that is. You didn’t say whether you have family around? Understandable if so, less so if not. How is your relationship otherwise?

What I can tell you is that fantasies are sometimes a very complex thing, and sometimes we really do just need to be able to let loose and “go there” without our pleasure becoming the object of our partner’s pleasure. My husband likes to watch me too, but I can’t ever orgasm if he’s watching me because my focus then is on putting on a show for him and making sure he enjoys himself, rather than on me enjoying myself. Sometimes he will ask what I am thinking about, and having been shamed (by him) for some of my fantasies before, I realise that sometimes what does it for me might not do it for him. It’s not that it’s anyone else necessarily, but it might be a different scenario with him, a different way he speaks to me or handles me etc. Not all of them my husband has been so receptive to, or “gets”, but they do do things for me. I don’t know if this is true for your wife too, but it may be.

Then we also need to think about your relationship with her sex toys. You say that you feel replaced by them, that’s understandable, but what I too can tell you (and at the expense of sounding like your wife here) is that no, sex toys do not replace sex. Sex toys (usually) are not warm, they do not feel intimate like a real partner does and they cannot hold you, kiss you or talk to you. Think of them more like a massager - your wife has some tension that she needs to massage out right now, it’s just that for whatever reason, sex isn’t what she needs. Again, that can come down to fantasies, and it may be that she has some fantasies in her mind that she is worried about sharing with you. That is entirely speculation, of course.

Uitimately communication will help here, but you need to be as open to her as she is to you. If she has some sordid little fantasy that she’s been exploring behind closed doors, I encourage you not to shame her for it. Work together to explore it in some way, if you can. Hopefully, that will bring you both much closer.

You may also need to set boundaries with her, in the name of fairness. For example, my first thought was that if she has her “private time” on a Saturday morning while you do morning chores, then you can have some “private time” on, say, a Saturday afternoon while she does some chores, which may or may not include some self-love, and that she is only invited to if you invite her. I hope this helps, and I hope things are sorted for you both soon.

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I just tried uploading conversation with OH but can’t as I’m new. I’ll copy and paste it instead.

(Me)
Ok two secs
Do you want the cum inside it too ?

(Her) yes please

I’m doing it alone, though

Well that didnt take long, loved it.

(Me) f#ck off did you cum that quick

(Her) Yep!!!

(Me) And did you shoot the cum inside as you was cumming.

(Her)Yeah, I felt it more this time too, maybe because I pushed it in as deep as I could :speak_no_evil:. I’m gonna have to put a towel down whenever I use it because it’s so girthy the cum just falls straight out of me :flushed:. BTW I’m going sleep in a minute so if you want to do your favourite fantasy now is the time (FYI I imagined it was one of my exes like you said to try :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:).

(Me) OMG don’t move I’m coming (literally) :joy:
(Message finished)

You need to embrace it. I love nothing more than hearing about her using our toys it’s amazing. The one she is talking about is DJ 8.5 inch squirting dildo. It’s huge and it shoots cum and the fantasy she mentions is where after she’s used a large toy I imagine she’s just met an ex and he has stretched her out and when we are having sex I can feel how loose she is.

I understand some guys get jealous or paranoid over that but for me I have no worry as I know I can always make her orgasm. If I couldn’t and the toys could then I would deffo have a concern.

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Never feel like you need to man up on things like this as your feelings should always be taken into account and not brushed aside. Remember a relationship is of equal half’s and to keep it healthy is to have good communication skills so you both can talk about stuff together when it’s on your mind.

I can totally understand when she says it’s her private time as we all need it and even you too so maybe try find a time of day or every so often when you can have a session to yourself.

With the sex side of things I’d recommend talking to her about it and see if there a way to get to the bottom of what’s been happening. Sometimes passion dies in a relationship but there’s nothing to say it can’t be rekindled again

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I agree you dont need to man up, relationships should be based on trust and equals. At the 30 yr mark its understandable you are upset at only finding out.

You need to have a good talk, explain to her to her you feel upset, mainly that a secret has been kept, that she certainly didnt need to keep, ask if sex is still an option, talk and talk some more, its honestly the only way.

I can say that toys are nothing like the real thing, so i would doubt it was because she prefers them over you, maybe just its a means to an end, quicker to get a relase, then get on with her day.
Sometimes i will do that as i just want to scratch an itch without having an entire session with my husband, its not i dont love him, and i certainly prefer his touch, but honestly some times i cant be arsed.

Carve some time out for yourself aswell and enjoy some alone time, you dont need to go tit for tat and start buying toys etc but you have needs too, explore the forum and maybe you will find something you’d think you’d like to try alone while also opening talks with your wife.

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I think that is part of the problem. She struggles to orgasm with me no matter what we try but when I use a toy on her it works 95% of the time.

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Is she on medication? Has she orgasmed in the past with you?

I was on anti depressants years ago and i was literally dead down there. My poor husband would have gotten lock jaw spending so long trying, then the added pressure for me of wanting it to work ment it didn’t, i would have to resort to a toy on the highest setting possible and to be honest the orgasm was rubbish.

Once i came off meds everything worked great again.

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She’s on codine for chronic pain. It used to work fine and more than once, now it doesn’t matter what I do if she doesn’t use a toy it doesn’t work.

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My wife does it too.
Married 25 years.
She openly admits it.
I’d rather she save it and let her sexuality out on me !!!
It’s galling, as I’m the one that comes up with date night ideas.
I just feel she can’t be that arsed with US as a couple, in the name of keeping the flame alive !!??

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I think my issue with it, is I have worked hard to learn techniques and skills. I took a massage course; I’ve also taken a tantric massage course to learn how to give a yoni. I’ve tried to explore new things like restraints, sensory toys, blindfolds etc to try to enhance our sex life and for us to explore our sexuality together. I regularly give her 2-hour full body massages finishing with a yoni and usually a very powerful orgasm with a toy to actually finish.

If I didn’t initiate or suggest these new things, we would probably have sex 6 times a year, but she evidentially has urges but doesn’t want to share them with me. She very rarely does anything for me in the bedroom, it’s like I put on lingerie what more do you want. I thought through our marriage that she didn’t have the same sex drive I have but it appears she does just not for me.

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I have chronic pain too, I’ve lived with it for 24 years and take pain relief. It has never affected my desire for sex or for my husband.

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. It’s truly crushing to learn that your partner doesn’t desire you. Have you considered relationship counselling? It sounds like you’re doing everything right but there may be some deeper issues going on.

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I was going to say, opioids can reduce drive but now that youve mentioned the effort you go to and how she must still have urges it could be something deeper.

I know chronic pain is draining, mentally as well as physically, its frustrating that your body will no longer do things because of pain, it may be to do with that.

I hope you can get some answers and reassurance from your wife.

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