In need for advice

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hello,

I need a bit of advice. I am getting more responsibility at work, but I am not sure I can handle.

Long story short, I have impostor syndrom. Most likely cause by my childhood experience, when I was constantly put down as just a useless woman, especially by my grandparents, and by the stress of my monther for performance, to be perfect.

Basically, I am not able to handle the stress, because I feel like I not doing good job. I feel like I am just useless crap, taking place of someone, who can manage this much better. And that I just stole that person place. Its terrible feeling. It is present in my hand most of the days. And its tearing me apart inside. I do see professional help once a month and I been learning how to cope with this better, but there are times, when it suddenly gets the better of me.

The worse feeling is, that on one level I know I do deserve the trust and position, that I earnt it, but at the same time... other part of my "brain" is telling me I am just useless and pretender and just mere worthless woman, who should be keeping her head down and not trying to tell more experienced people they messed something up and advising solutions... Especially since its extremely technical.

Usually this happens during increase of stress levels and when I am not feeling like I can handle.

I see only one way out of this, and that is to give up the responsibility at work and just go down. I think for my sake this will be the best option. My team leader knows I am suffering from this, but I really cannot cope. My mental state is bit worsening and I cannot have this responsibility. But at the same time, I feel like far worse failure than before...

I am sorry for putting this on you... Just this is anonymous and... well... I needed to get it out between people who do not know me in RL. Not even my family knows. Just my boss, and 3 closest friends. My current partner.

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*huge hugs*

3

I don't have any words to help but wanted to say congratulations on being offered extra at work - you must merit it :)

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Sounds like you do know what you are doing at work. You must have earnt that job and that position. I don't know of any organisation (actually maybe only local councils) that promote on a whim/friend basis. After all business is about having the right people in the right position. I have found in my experience nobody likes being told what to do or how to do it properly. But frankly I am quite happy to do so because I do my job. If I don't then I get the grief from the big boys so I would rather give out some grief if need be then have it coming knocking at my door. After all why should people working under me ruin what I have earnt. I'm not at work to make friends but to provide my time for a good wage and to do my job to the best of my ability. It also helps that I don't really socialise with any of the employees. Oh I will also support my fellow workers and stand by them if they are receiving grief that just isn't deserved.
Enjoy your promotion.

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You shouldn't feel guilty for what you've got, the opportunities that you came accross. You're in that position for a reason, someone picked you - not the other person.

Do you enjoy your job? If you do, you have every reason to feel proud. If you don't, maybe it's time to change it to something you'd be more comfortable doing.

And never, ever give in to the feeling that you're useless. You're not! everyone feels this way sometimes - I dare say it's a common human condition. Hugs to you!

6

Hello, Laveila,

believe me or not but I sometimes feel just like that myself, though in my case, this feeling doesn't tend to arise when I am under pressure but rather when everything seems to flow in a dull, unexciting way. I guess that I, too, have gone through a similar childhood experience; my paternal grandparents genuinely didn't think I had any worth at all (I was neither their eldest, thus wonderful, grandchild, nor was I slender and beautiful like my cousin - I was fat, bookish, fairly clever - but not a "real" prodigy they could boast about... in short, I was insufficient and uninteresting) and, seeing that it was my brother who appeared to be the brilliant one (ironically enough, he eventually grew up into a layabout whose only hobby is scaremongering and blaming the decline of the "Western society" on feminists, Muslims and homosexuals - if I am entirely honest, he makes me totally... to put it mildly, exasperated), which means I just - unsuccessfully - kept on trying to win at least some form of praise, struggling to be academically perfect. And that is never easy - in my experience, you can generally excel at something but be only "okay" when it comes to other stuff.

I may be wrong but now I sort of think that this is what you have to accept - at school, at work, in life generally... Basically, you do a steady, solid work; this keeps you your job and, in the long term, can get you promoted to slightly more complex tasks. Sometimes, you prove brilliant at this or that (this is obviously your case) - this gets you some form of recognition, and, perhaps, faster promotion, more trust from your boss (perhaps a bit of envy from some of your colleagues but well, people are not always nice and appreciative of other people's success), more complex tasks to deal with...

Unless you have actually stolen some ideas (or, more metaphorically still, even "results") from someone, or unless you have slandered someone, cheated, acted in an absolutely stupid way (some people, for example, abuse the "positive discrimination" ideas, shouting that they deserve promotion because they are women/foreigners/whatever - this, in long term, doesn't win any recognition for women, foreigners or any disadvantaged group, because should someone win their position through claiming they just deserve this or that, and not through actual merit, only token figures get created, and no genuinely skilled women/foreigners/whoever get the praise they truly deserve, because they, too, are too are viewed as token people, which is a real shame) or done something genuinely nasty (lying, faking your CV...), you deserve your position - and, obviously, responsibilities that go with it. And sometimes, everyone is entitled to make a mistake - even if you occasionally make one, it doesn't mean you are worthless, and that you should go away. If your boss is a fair-minded and experienced person, he or she knows that you have done lots of good work, he or she relies on you, and considers you a valuable member of the team. Trust is something that gets earned gradually - if you have earned lots of it through good work, there is no reason why you should worry about being worthless...

I think that you will eventually overcome your fears; try to look at it like this: you have a good, albeit demanding, job (you are obviously good in your professional life), you have good friends (you are a well-liked person), you have a partner (you are definitely not considered "worthless" in the romance and love department - unlike, for example, myself). Do you think that all of this could have been achieved by a worthless person? I seriously doubt that... Pevne nervy a bude dobre.

7

I think a proper talk with your boss is needed, they may be able to take some of the pressure off or simply help you deal with the bad days so that you can make up for it on better days. When it comes to it though, if a job is making you feel that distressed it may not be worth it and there's nothing wrong with saying "its not for me". But definitely speak to your boss first as simply knowing they understand and accept you're not always going to be 100% can help a lot.

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Congratulations on the extra responsibilties! YOU have earned it.

I see one good way of this! ITS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!![](upload://9xFhXP6neHrYtSJ6GTOlM10MIsf.gif) Never give up an oppurtunity at work because you think you're not good enough, It's never ever true. - Do you think your work would of choosen you to take these extra reponsibilities if they knew or thought you are uncapable of doing them? they have chosen you for a reason, right?

Take this as a very good oppurtunity to show yourself and others that you are capable to do the extra work you've been given. If you can do it once, you can do it again!

A little pointer which helps me: Always start the day looking at, or reminding yourself of your most proudest achievement. It always gives me the boost to start the day without all the negative devils inside my head! ![](upload://4WyQT1gwKaQJNwhYxrKZ1rOPglF.gif)

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Just remember, that you totally deserve to be happy. As Subby said, your work really value you to give you this extra responsibility and know that you are very capable of doing it. You are definitely not useless, unfortunately this has been put into your mind from years of hearing it from people who themselves have insecurities and have put these onto you, which is really not fair.

You have to do what is best for you, but I really hope that you can find the inner strength and confidence to go for it as I really believe you can do this and do it very well. Sending lots of hugs Hun xx

10

You have to do what is right for you, and if you're not coping then perhaps look at changing things. However if you were to give up the extra responsibility it will probably make you feel worse.

You obviously were good enough for the role, and the only person doubting this is you. If you can find a way to keep going at it, and prove to yourself that you're good enough you will you should feel better for it.

is there a way you can talk to the manager (or do it yourself) and set yourself monthly goals. Then when you meet these you can see what you are accomplishing.

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Hi all and thanks for the kind words.

I did not steal the ideas. I learnt the technical stuff by asking and studying materials, lot just came out of my mind too and deducation. But I did not steal someones work.
And I actually never wanted this position, I just told people they have it wrong and why and then they started to include me into sometimes high level decisions. Including management changes of few projects. And they come to me for advice when they are not sure when something is not working.

So I guess I know I deserve it but its putting me under lot of stress.

I just dont think the job is worth my mental health?

Briona, I am very sorry you went through something similar. I know how hard it is to fight it and I do wish you all the luck.

Btw. I dont consider not having partner as failure. I went on for years at time without one. And did not expect to have one just it happened.

So on one level I know that I earnt it but on another I keep struggling to accept it. It is very hard to explain. Like imagine someone yelling at you that you are worthless all evening... I can fight it but its terrible and lately arriving more as my job is more demanding. And I feel terrible.

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Laveila wrote:

Hi all and thanks for the kind words.

I did not steal the ideas. I learnt the technical stuff by asking and studying materials, lot just came out of my mind too and deducation. But I did not steal someones work.
And I actually never wanted this position, I just told people they have it wrong and why and then they started to include me into sometimes high level decisions. Including management changes of few projects. And they come to me for advice when they are not sure when something is not working.

So I guess I know I deserve it but its putting me under lot of stress.

I just dont think the job is worth my mental health?

Briona, I am very sorry you went through something similar. I know how hard it is to fight it and I do wish you all the luck.

Btw. I dont consider not having partner as failure. I went on for years at time without one. And did not expect to have one just it happened.

So on one level I know that I earnt it but on another I keep struggling to accept it. It is very hard to explain. Like imagine someone yelling at you that you are worthless all evening... I can fight it but its terrible and lately arriving more as my job is more demanding. And I feel terrible.

There you go; you didn't steal ideas, you did not cheat, you did not snub anyone - you have just gradually managed to convince your boss that your opinions and ideas are so good that they deserve to be taken into account when high-level decisions are to be made. What do you think this means? Yes, it indeed means that you definitely DO deserve your position... Honestly, you don't have any reason to worry that you got the job (and responsibility) you didn't deserve. I don't know, perhaps try to sit down each week and write down all the good things that happened to you while you were working (praise from your boss, your ideas proving to be the best solution)... I wouldn't expect your anxiety and frustration to disappear overnight, but with the support you get from your friends, and quite possibly from your boss, you can surely work on it...

(btw - yes, not having a partner may not mean you are totally worthless, but when you are a 27-years-old who has never ever dated anyone, you start to get ideas of the "what the heck is wrong with me" variety)

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Oh and for the record, I spoke to my boss. But her idea of getting pressure off me is actually most likely to put me under more stress, but then she feels I am underestimating people. But not sure... Just will mean more questions coming my way and me doing the tasks they are doing now, becase they would not have that time and it needs to be done. Maybe I am just not suitable to be in position with responsibility. And its time I step down. It would help me relax.

I was shocked today, that when I actually told the business people I work with about my mental issues, as I worked closely with them and we share some of the problems and we are rather close in a way, they were extremely supportive. I was really surprised.

But they made it very clear I am noot leaving because they need me ![](upload://kym5tZ5EfyJxs6TKHB1Q2HtGSpK.gif)

Briona, I am sorry, I bit know how you feel. I turned 28 in September and I generally did not have that many relationships, plus 2 actually ended because of how bad and uncontrolled my mental problems were back then.

My advice would be chin up and try to enjoy and hopefully someone will show up ![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)

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Laveila wrote:

I was shocked today, that when I actually told the business people I work with about my mental issues, as I worked closely with them and we share some of the problems and we are rather close in a way, they were extremely supportive. I was really surprised.

It is great that your colleagues are supportive - it surely indicates that they see you as a valuable member of the team and not as some nameless girl that can be easily replaced. This, too, means you definitely don't have to worry about being unimportant or even worthless. Let's make a deal - I will TRY to be less negative about my "dating potential", and you will try to see yourself as a capable professional. As I have already said, it is not going to be easy, but let's try to make some (mildly optimistic) "baby steps" towards feeling a bit better.![](upload://h7LJ67OOrR57VDYrj5ZEwwHAfLG.gif)

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My wife has the same situation going on. It's tough, and I don't know what you can do to improve it to be honest..... however, I would say that from what I've read, this condition is very commissioner top performers and very talented people.

One of the most inspiring things I've seen, and I would recommend for everyone is to have a look at Amy cuddy TED talk.

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Damn the kindle and its auto correct.
Commissioner was originally typed as common amongst..... grrrrrr

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Briona87 wrote:

Laveila wrote:

I was shocked today, that when I actually told the business people I work with about my mental issues, as I worked closely with them and we share some of the problems and we are rather close in a way, they were extremely supportive. I was really surprised.

It is great that your colleagues are supportive - it surely indicates that they see you as a valuable member of the team and not as some nameless girl that can be easily replaced. This, too, means you definitely don't have to worry about being unimportant or even worthless. Let's make a deal - I will TRY to be less negative about my "dating potential", and you will try to see yourself as a capable professional. As I have already said, it is not going to be easy, but let's try to make some (mildly optimistic) "baby steps" towards feeling a bit better.![](upload://h7LJ67OOrR57VDYrj5ZEwwHAfLG.gif)

You will meet someone. After last break up, I was decided never to try again, until I became friend with my current partner, and then I realized I felt more and it was mutual.

The bit sad thing is my partner believes he is the one holding me back, because he is on wheel chair and not worth of me. While in fact he stood by me through very dark times, when I could not think straight, all I could feel was pain and cold. Nothing else at all for over a week. Somewhere deep in my mind, part of me was screaming I loved him, but I could not feel it. Yes, I can go that bad ![](upload://f8zGclFeQx35HwZLqJ7J1rFzQ0n.gif)

Yet he stood by me and did not flinch when I barked and tried to send him away or called myself very bad names.

So I know he is the one if he will have me, because he is rare person. And I dont give a damn he had accident and will never walk again.

frisk69, yes, this is one of the things that my psychologist said. That this condition is not that uncommon in people, who do well.

And I learnt some techniques, which can help. I dont have the tendency to mentally harm myself anymore, most of the time, like I used to.

One of the things, I found, that help me, is to do "me" time regularly and try to meditate and find the inner peace. Its hard, but I found that sometimes a song helps, which reflects something I need to get out of myself.

Another method is writing diary. To try to investigate, what is worsening it and why my mind goes into the dangerous circle and try to avoid it or find things, which break it.

It never goes away fully. One of the guys, I admited this to today, said that now he understands why I cannot see how valuable I am to them and how badly they need me. And its true. I struggle to see this. Even if I keep my demons in control

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Frisk6, as LH did not let me to edit it, I wanted to say I hope your wife can find a way to improve it. I know its hard.

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Thanks lavelia - and I hope you make your own journey into the sunshine too...

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Hi all,

I am feeling slightly better, although I am still bit fighting, but it seems the worst attack is over, for now.

Just slightly freaking out this weekend as I was in charge of preparing one part for a global deployment project and yean, nervous that I did everything right and that it will work out. But so far I am keeping my mental issues in check! ![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)