Shadow Collector wrote:
Thank you all so much. If it helps, some of them are self harm and some of them aren't. I no longer hurt myself, and am in a much better place now, but its still a desire.
It took me a long time to accept that a woman like her would give me the time of day. I loathe myself, and I was convinced that it had to be some kind of a cruel joke. I'm sorry if that sounds attention seeky, it wasn't meant to.
I am honoured that she is willing to be with me. But I'm just so scared. I've never told anyone about this stuff, and I can't afford people knowing.
If she's right for me she wont care, but she might not be and she might spread the information around without realising the affect it would have. How do you look anyone in the eye when you know they know the word 'Worthless' is scarred in to your thigh?
I trust her but I don't. Does that make sense?
I'm sorry for wasting your time. I ony ask because I don't know what to do, I really don't, and it scares me. My apologies for interrupting your days, but I really do appreciate your input.
Oh hun. I know your pain. I have a lot of scars from years of self harm, including the word 'fat' etched on my tummy. Letting a new partner near me was terrifying so I know the type of fear you're experiencing.
Even if she doesn't know how to react or even if she can't accept that you used to do that to yourself, she would have to be a very horrible and gossipy person to spread it round to anyone. You know her personally, is she really like that? Honestly? Do you think she would be the type of person to spread hurtful things about other people, or is it purely your own fear that is making you wary of letting her in?
You could have a chat with her, let her know that you have some scars that you're very self concious about and try to gauge her reaction before you show her. That way, if worst case scenario happens and she does have a negative reaction she won't know the extent of your scarring, just that it exists. She won't know about the 'worthless' and the worst she could tell people is that you used to self harm, still a scary thought if you don't want certain people to know but not as terrifying as having them know details like that. Also, the emphasis should be on that she can only say you USED to self harm. That says nothing about you as a person NOW other than that you overcame some very hard and very dark times.
At the end of the day, it's in your past and you were strong enough to stop. That's such an achievment, and still dealing with urges doesn't detract from that it only adds to how strong you are that you continue to beat it. If anyone judges you because you used to self harm rather than commend the fact that you overcame it, frankly they're an idiot. You should be very proud, and those who love you should be too. You deserve to be happy, so no! Don't break off a relationship you're obviously happy in because of fear. If you're not ready for her to see, then tell her. But please don't push her away, don't deny yourself happiness!