Just a question really after reading some posts that when some Men want some sex or sex acts, it seems a lot of women say it's a treat. So usually the men only get - what ever it is - on special occasions. I suppose i'm lucky my Wife has never said anything like this, but why do (usually Women - sorry) say this? I mean, a lot of Females like to be licked etc on the clitorus but what would they say/ how would they feel if their OH says you only get that for a treat now and again. How would you react? On a final note, it also comes across that Females seem to have lots of sex and do lots of sex acts - BJ's etc - in the beginning and then that tails of over time and then eventually Men seem to hardly get any, then feel frustrated because of not getting any and then cause problems in the relationship.
Again, my Wife has never changed so i guess i don't understand why some do. So is Sex a treat to Men?
I know of a fair few relationships like that, also sex in return for chores. As a man who has always done my share of the household chores without being asked, it puzzles me why some put up with it. A relationship is a team, the chores and the pleasures should be freely shared and often. The ones who withhold sex for special occasions are denying themselves and their partners a lot of pleasure and it must seriously damage the relationship. It's a mindset i don't understand.
Same as WillC I know alot (especially women) who use sex and more often blow jobs as a treat (Xmas...Birthdays etc.) Or in return for chores. They did them in the beginning to capture the bloke and then stopped them...when I ask why the reply more often than not is that they don't like doing them...or having sex...š¤·āāļø
Exactly. It should be a team. If my wife ever said that i would only get something for a 'Treat' or if i done something, then I wouldn't want what I had asked for, because I would be thinking she doesn't really want to do it and that would not turn me on and I wouldn't enjoy it either. But totally agree that chores should be shared etc.
I'm not one of those women that treat sex/oral as a treat - of course there are times where I do it as a treat, but generally speaking we get dirty because we love it.
However, in terms of the change from the beginning. For me that has happened for several reasons. Easiest to explain was a change in job, when we first started dating I had a very laid back job in which I could turn up tired, to having a job working with machines and having to pay a lot of attention. Therefore, my routine changed and wasn't so willing to be tired for work the next day.
Another reason for me, is that at the start of the relationship, everything is new and exciting. After a while of no longer being 'new', I get insecure that my partner no longer finds having sex with me exciting since he's just looking at / hearing the same thing each time. So, me being insecure stops me wanting to get dirty, but it comes in waves. We go through a short period of a lack of intimacy, to being really horny and things being more or less how they were at the start ^_^
That's what i don't understand, i worked on very dangerous machines for 25 years and i never let my sex or work life interfere with each other. My current job is more relaxed, but i still have early starts, so my days off are used for maximum benefit. As for the start of the relationship being new and exciting, surely after a while, it's up to both partners to keep it fresh?
That's fine for you, not everyone works the same way. For me it was a job I really wanted and was important to prioritise my new job over sex. We still had sex at least once a week, just wasn't as often as it was before. But after a while of getting used to the change, it didn't remain an issue. I just used it as an example as to why it can slip at times.
I wasn't talking about what we do in the bedroom, there is no issue there.
I'm talking about insecurities with myself, my appearance/body. When I'm not happy with how I look or get it in my head that my partner would prefer someone with a more attractive appearance or sexier body, that doesn't make me feel good about myself, therefore I don't believe he'd enjoy having sex with me.
I fully understand frequency /new and exciting/ work pressures even depression etc at the start. That's not really what i'm takling about and can see you're not the type of Women i'm on about from what you've said. I think CurvyJilly34F has a point about capturing the Man in the beginning. To me if they do things at the start just to get the Man, then that is playing games and also a bit deceiving and also being dishonest. They should be truthful from the start. If they don't like to do something, then be honest from the start. It's like me, i don't like anything to do with anal and I would be upfront with any women about that from the start. I would not do it if she liked it, then once we're settled change and then not do it because i don't like it. That's just going to cause problems.
I have been with my partner for 7 years and yes things I think the Last couple of years I feel like it's planned sex and because it's planned it's sometimes gets awkward as soon as we get in bed. If I don't make the first move within minutes then she thinks I don't want to have sex on that night and goes sleep. I do try and change it up a little by making the first move on the sofa or in the kitchen , but she shrugs it of and tells me to wait untill tonight , so again ... It's allways planned lol . But I do agree with the original first post , I only get BJ's on special occasions like birthday or valentine's Day which is disappointing lol Weirdly enough I did mention yesterday how we need to spice it up a little by doing more what we do little off , but we end up disagreeing with each other because I refuse to do oral untill she shaves or at least trims ( I have bad gag reflexes ) . But because I refuse to do it then she refuses to give me a bj , so we go round in circles every time it gets spoken about . I'm hoping it's just a faze we both are going through and hoping our sex life's picks up lol
I know quite a few women that treat men unfairly (IMO).
I hear of a lot of women where the sex tails off after a while. Natural but it doesn't have to be that way (again, this is my experience and opinion). I get annoyed when I hear about women treating men unfairly e.g. telling partners they'll throw them out if they keep asking for sex or considering a man's attempt to initiate sex on more than two consecutive nights almost as bad as rape!
Some of my female friends blame tiredness but I've been tired a lot (ex 7-day a week newsagent with 4am starts) and still enjoyed regular sex. Yet again, just my opinion from experience but I think a lot of libido loss is down to hormones.
Whether it's due to hormonal contraception or menopause, lots of problems will crop up due to those pesky hormones. I'm very lucky that I no longer use hormonal contraception and although I'm menopausal, my libido hasn't yet been affected much. It changes from "I could be persuaded" to "get you kit off - NOW" throughout the month. I'm lucky I have a partner who understands my cycle.
I'm not a fan of the sex for chores thing that seems to be popular at the moment. Chores should be kept out of the bedroom and a fair arrangement should be made as part of your relationship.
I'm not a fan of BJ treats either. I have a few friends who will do this on birthdays/anniversaries and don't enjoy it as it's for him. Buy him a beer FFS! (And, yes, I do tell them this but then I'm known amongst friends as The Nympho.)
Back to your question, OP. Yes, I do believe that libido in women will naturally tail off over time and many will consider doing certain acts as a treat for their men, genuinely believing that they're being nice. The trouble is when libido tails off on either side it can lead to resentment - frequently women start to feel insecure about looks especially if they've gained weight through pregnancy or plain old contentment. Men just get resentful when their partner's insecurity (let alone their hormones) causes their sex drive takes a nosedive. Women pick up on this and the cycle of resentment and disrespect gets completed.
It's a lot easier to keep your sex life alive than it is to re-ignite it as the minute any insecurity appears it's very hard to ignore. I don't think most women do this deliberately. We all get that strong sex drive at the start of a new relationship. It's just a matter of not letting life get in the way and keeping a relationship exciting. It definitely takes two, though, and communication is absolutely the key.
Not everyone views sex in the same way, particularly partnered sex. Some people need or want it really regularly and it is a vital part of their relationship but for others it really isnāt.
Do you have essentially the same sex every time you have sex? Do you always use sex toys or always dress up or do kinkier acts or whatever? Or do you save some of these things for when you have some proper time and energy? Do you do something different on your partnerās birthday? If you or your partner donāt always dress up in sexy lingerie for sex, isnāt it kind of a treat when you/they do? Not in an āIām only doing this for my partnerā kind of way, but it just adds something that you might not always have time for. Well, if you take that idea and apply it to a couple that donāt have that much sex or donāt deviate too much from ātraditional sex actsā, then wouldnāt a blow job (for example) be a ātreatā?
Factor in life generally, New Relationship Energy fading, and our changing attitudes as we get older. Oh and add in the fact that society seems to require women to be pure virginal utterly filthy sex goddesses and peopleās sex lives can become a bit of a mess.
Yes, there are people out there who will use sex as basically a weapon and this isnāt right but not everyone who isnāt having whatever your definition of regular sex is or who thinks certain acts are a treat is doing it from a bad place. Thatās just how they see sex.
Back to your question, OP. Yes, I do believe that libido in women will naturally tail off over time and many will consider doing certain acts as a treat for their men, genuinely believing that they're being nice. The trouble is when libido tails off on either side it can lead to resentment - frequently women start to feel insecure about looks especially if they've gained weight through pregnancy or plain old contentment. Men just get resentful when their partner's insecurity (let alone their hormones) causes their sex drive takes a nosedive. Women pick up on this and the cycle of resentment and disrespect gets completed.
It's a lot easier to keep your sex life alive than it is to re-ignite it as the minute any insecurity appears it's very hard to ignore. I don't think most women do this deliberately. We all get that strong sex drive at the start of a new relationship. It's just a matter of not letting life get in the way and keeping a relationship exciting. It definitely takes two, though, and communication is absolutely the key.
Absolutely spot on , especially this bit .Was attempting to type out a response but you've summed it all up VR !
Samuel...quid pro quo, if you expect her to trim/shave you ought to do the same! I guess the bottom line is that we have to work at our relationships constantly. But as i said in another thread, the sexiest thing a woman can wear in bed is confidence.
I know of a fair few relationships like that, also sex in return for chores
CurvyJilly34F wrote:
Same as WillC I know alot (especially women) who use sex and more often blow jobs as a treat (Xmas...Birthdays etc.) Or in return for chores.
I would never expect anything from a partner, but if it came to a point where I was being offered sex on certain day's or after doing certain things, I would seriously consider walking away.
I would talk first, there must be a reason as to why a women does not want to have sex, maybe understandiin would help.
I have been with my partner for 7 years and yes things I think the Last couple of years I feel like it's planned sex and because it's planned it's sometimes gets awkward as soon as we get in bed. If I don't make the first move within minutes then she thinks I don't want to have sex on that night and goes sleep. I do try and change it up a little by making the first move on the sofa or in the kitchen , but she shrugs it of and tells me to wait untill tonight , so again ... It's allways planned lol . But I do agree with the original first post , I only get BJ's on special occasions like birthday or valentine's Day which is disappointing lol Weirdly enough I did mention yesterday how we need to spice it up a little by doing more what we do little off , but we end up disagreeing with each other because I refuse to do oral untill she shaves or at least trims ( I have bad gag reflexes ) . But because I refuse to do it then she refuses to give me a bj , so we go round in circles every time it gets spoken about . I'm hoping it's just a faze we both are going through and hoping our sex life's picks up lol
Are you entirely clean shaven? ... Because if you're not then you have no right to refuse/demand anything of the sorts from the missus š... Honestly do men even realise how much time it takes us ladies to shave/wax/depilate our entire bodies? You can have a preference of course, that's your perogative. But spare a thought for the lady, who has been told since puberty that her natural hair growth is gross and that we have to do these long arduous tasks in order to please our partners even though it wastes our time AND potentially leaves us with a rash/sensitive skin/ingrown hairs/itchiness..... Meanwhile men acting like washing their balls today qualifies them for an oral session (a joking generalisation lol you're not all like that I know š )
What activities are done "for a treat" and those that are done as a matter of course really do depend on the relationship.
It would be pretty normal for sex to tail off after the initial honeymoon period, but when you factor in lifes pressures, kids, tiredness and even the weather, it then becomes a conscious deliberate act to have sex rather than something you both just do.
The trick I guess is to making sure that you both continue to put the effort into the sexual side of your relationship. Kinkymira has a blog and one of her blog posts I read said her and partner had removed the "can't be arsed" excuse for not having sex. Unless one or the other actively didn't want it (i.e a hard no, not this time) then they would. More sex leads to more sex and it becomes the norm to have it, rather than not.
On one hand I can understand the quid pro quo approach, but it does show a certain amount of selfishness, I'll only do x if you do y. For some things it may work, but when does it end.
Chores shouldn't be done in expectation of getting sex. Sure, if you don't do anything and leave everything for the OH to do, this may negatively impact sex, but chances are, thats the obvious symptom that most people see to what is more than likely a deeper issue.Equally, if you do share the chores and you end up getting more sex, it may not be because "youve been good" but more likely because there is more time and energy that can be put to pleasure rather than having to do the basics.
Mrs Sen has gone through stages of being clean shaven and fully bushed. Neither has detracted from my enjoyment of performing oral on her. Sure, I 100% prefer the clean shaven look, but it would not stop me going down on her or being completely aroused by her if it weren't. She will usually warn me before hand "be careful, you'll get a rash" if its been a few days between shaves.
Senator wrote "Chores shouldn't be done in expectation of getting sex"
Exactly! I have always done my share of the household chores, one because a relationship is a team, and two, because it makes more time for doing the good things in life together, and not just sex.
I find a lot in this thread rather concerning, from the whole notion of 'trapping' people in early relationships with the high libido most folk have with a new partner, to the common transactional idea of sexual favours.
To answer the OP question, no I don't think women consider sex as a treat. But if you can make mass generalisations based on whether someone is male or female, I think many men have far higher, or certainly more resilient, libidos than many women. I also believe that if women were pretty much guaranteed orgasms from penetrative sex, then there would be a greater resilience to other pressures which traditionally dampen libido, because of the more obvious, delightful, result of such activity.
Just my two penny worth, of course. I guess the whole notion that all relationships require work/ effort/ commitment is often how to make sure that you protect and enjoy your intimate time together even though your libidos are not necessarily on the same page.