Issues in the bedroom

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Hey All,
Tempted to say happily married, well i am but the last while we have has issues in the bedroom.
My wife is./ has seems just to take a turn off sex or me or both.
She used to be quite horny a.d would initiate sex a.d we would have lots of foreplay.
Since end of 2023 it just seemed to all stop.

Zero oral i have given since 31.12.23 - none. And she will not allow.

There have been at least 2 instances where she has really caused me to doubt her.

One was we were out at a gig with brother.in law amd his.wife and a friend. Queen tribute act which was excellent.

My wife took a real shine to the lead singer and at one stage asked me to take a pic of them (her friend and herself with the freddy look a like)
Just as i was taking the picture.she turned and wispered in his ear.
I was so.mad as i thought this.was extremely disrespectful to me. As she and friend were winking at each other about the singer in his leather boxers.

Afterwards i wasent talking much.and she joked to everyone was i jealous.
That just made me more mad.

The.second was last april and we were away in poland with.same people. At a. Ar we all had a good few drinks and there was a young guy all chatty to her. I.paid.no.real attention as he was late 20’ a d my wife is 55. (And still looki g amazing, looks 10 years younger than her age) but as we all left i turned around a.d she had given him her phone. Only one reason in my mind - so he could send himself a
Essage from her social media. I looked at her a.d said - ARE YOU FOR F***ING REAL!
she was out the door straight away.a d all chatty to the others, i was so pissed off tho.

We all stopped at a shot bar a.d had one more and i just said im heading back to apartment.

She did.not speak.of it again.

But now she is never away from phone, ever.

Can i trust her. When she is.out with her friends? Is giving the phone to other men the norm. As this is all new now.

Im having serious doubts.

She.does.say she loves me etc anf has the odd moment where she is quite loving but they are getting further and further apart, and some of it is down to me as im so skeptical of her now.

Poi.ts to also consider is she is menopausal and has said this is affecting her?
But it does not explain the 2 above mentioned events.
No she.never goes on an overnight unless.its.a hens night and even if its a.weekend she.would.only ever.do one night. Plus.i.know the.people she.does be.with.and while i.would not trust most or.some of them if anything happened i would hear it back or would have by now.

Last night she spoke about another couple which we know are in a total sexless marriage. And she mentioned something about the guy being disrespectful to his wife and said how rotten it amd he was for doi g it, and all i could think of was “how hiprotical” my wife was in saying it to. me considering she has no issue doing it to me.

Please islf i could get some genuine takes on these instances and real pointers, should i be worried?

Thanks all.

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I would simply reach for her phone if she leaves it on the counter or table, watch for her reaction. If she freaks, then she’s cheating.
My wife has become asexual due to many factors. She is a SA victim from her childhood years, she’s a breast cancer survivor and because of that cancer, is now forced into early menopause. As a loving husband, I completely understand why she’s turned off from sex and she cries about not being intimate with me. However, if she ever acted the way you state your wife has, towards other men, I’d be on the phone with divorce lawyers.
You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her how you feel, but I’d say she’s already cheating, even if it’s just naughty chats.

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Think you need an open and honest discussion without getting angry. Has she started / mid menopause??? As the.libido does disappear

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Just talk to her. There could be many reasons as to why these things are happening or not happening.

I would advise against testing her by grabbing her phone. Personally I would view that as an invasion of privacy even if I did have nothing to hide.
Plus, if she thinks you don’t trust her that’s not going to help your relationship.

Menopause isn’t just physical symptoms, it can affect a woman’s mental health too. Maybe she’s not feeling attractive right now and a little light flirting and getting attention from a younger guy is giving her some reassurance?
I’m not saying it’s ok and it must be hurtful for you but there’s every chance that it hasn’t gone any further.

But, really you need to start a open and non confrontational conversation about what’s happening.

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I would be upfront and honest with her ask her out right what is going on lots of red flags there .

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I think its time for a honest conversation with your wife, tell her how you feel, I think you are over reacting as well. Yes you may not be having sex but her age/menopause may be causing that. Flirting / banter would not concern me unless things progressed which does not seem to have happened.

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I sense a lot of this is building up like a pressure kettle from a lack of honest communication. Have you tried to talk to her sober and calmly about how these incidences have left you feeling and how you’re generally feeling about how things have changed?

I would say couples counselling could be a good idea but it’d have to be mutual and she’d need to also want to try mend things if she even feels there’s something broken…

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Hello there, I’m really sorry to hear about the problems you are having.

What stands out to me is where you said your wife joked to others about you being jealous, that’s incredibly disrespectful behaviour on her part and may even constitute as a form of emotional abuse. She is acting as though her behaviour is not a problem when it is, she is emotionally cheating on you (because you’re clearly not okay with it) and making out that you’re the unreasonable one. Don’t buy it, you’re absolutely right to expect better from your spouse.

Can you trust her? What does our answer matter? You clearly don’t and you seemingly have reason not to. This is a boundary for you and that’s perfectly valid; it’s perfectly okay for you to tell her, once and for all, “please don’t give your phone number out to other men without speaking to me first”. You’re her husband, you deserve that respect. You owe one another respect.

Now let’s talk about the fella she’s probably maybe texting. You weren’t initially informed of her decision to maintain contact with him and if she’s protective of it, it’s clearly not purely platonic. You are well within your right to tell her that you don’t like it, were hurt by her decision and would like it to end. Menopause or not, even if he makes her feel desired, it should be you who makes her feel desired (and vice versa), not some random chap.

A brief note on your confidence: whilst I appreciate her behaviour is undoubtedly hurting you, getting defensive is fuel for attention seekers, it’s like candy for kids. Work on your confidence and conflict handling, and the next time she wants to give her number to a fella without first telling you, be firm but otherwise unphased. You could try saying something like “I believe you decided to maintain contact with him behind my back, if so, I find your behaviour incredibly hurtful and disrespectful to our marriage. Please delete his contact right now in front of me and do not contact him again”. Also to the fella you need to be firm, “she is my wife, she is not available to you. Have some respect for both yourself and other men and do not chase married women. If you contact my wife and I find out, I shall report your number to the police”. I’ve used if-then’s when dealing with unpleasant characters before now and it’s usually highly effective.

And if she still won’t respect you, you can always resort to the nuclear option: flirt with other women in front of her and let her see how she likes it. Sure, it’s not a particularly healthy approach, but best case scenario she realises how much she’s hurting you and cuts it out, and worse case scenario you both realise that you may be much happier apart.

I wish you all the best :blush:

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Exactly, rock of sense.

I feel totally disrespected and undervalued.

She is never away from the phone and i can hear texting being done.
I am going like a roller coaster.
While im pretty sure nothing physical has happened, i geel like when the mind has gone then the body goes after. So to speak.

Thanks for input.

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I’m sorry to hear that. I hope things improve for you soon, one way or another.

Quite often unfortunately yes, and if she’s rejecting you, that sounds to me like she’s already got one foot out of the door. That doesn’t mean you can’t win her back, the question is do you want to, and is she willing to save your marriage?

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Absolutely, the phone reach is a bit manipulative, whereas an open conversation is non confrontational and allows you both to voice how you are feeling and have a chat about what’s going on. I think that’s the best way forward, best of luck to you both!

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There could be another reason for the lack of intimacy - my partner and I are taking a break from sec at the moment because it hurts me too much (I have very bad endo which I’m having surgery for soon). I really think talking it out is the best way to go!

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I politely disagree. I live with chronic pain (RSD, reflex symathetic dystrophy not rejection sensitivity dysphoria, although maybe I have that too) and the very last thing I want to do when my pain is bad is to go out and flirt with other people - I turn into a proper snuggle bunny and want to stay at home and cuddle with my husband. Likewise, his job is coming to an end soon after a ten-year career and with no new job in sight. He too is not interested in sex with me, but nor is he interested in flirting with anyone else. He just wants lots of cuddles from me.

That’s not to brag, just to say that I don’t buy pain as a reason for this behaviour. What the OP’s partner is doing is emotional cheating and cheating can never be accepted or excused. Note the part I highlighted where the OP’s wife humiliated him in front of friends, that is not somebody who respects their partner enough to have them a genuine conversation, more likely (and I sadly speak from experience here) they’ll lie to the OP’s face, gaslight him and carry on regardless. If her level of respect is that bad, talking could come across like begging - it is like saying you’ll accept anything from them just for a chance to have sex with them again, which could set the OP up for further abuse. Settlng boundaries is about respecting yourself and what you’re willing to accept in your relationship, and if they don’t like it, they know where the door is. It’s drawing a line under the behaviour and setting the terms going forward: shape up or ship out.

I’m sorry to hear about your battle with endo. I hope your surgery is a success and you feel better soon :slight_smile:

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Hiya, I think you’ve misunderstood what I said :slight_smile:
Pain is not an excuse for cheating, certainly, but could be a reason for lack of interest in sex. When I say my partner and I are taking a break from sex, I never said I was cheating, only that we are not having sex right now because it physically pains me. Other than that, we are still very close.
We do not know the reasons for her behaviour, which is why I suggest talking about it - it’s always good to get things out in the open rather than let them simmer! :slight_smile:

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Hi there,

I think we’re going to agree to disagree on this one. I sadly speak from experience when I say that it’s very hard to have a civil conversation with someone who blatantly disrespects you, and it’s going to be very hard to converse with someone who has no qualms about humiliating the man she claims to love. I think we want to hope we can talk our problems out but sometimes tougher action is required. It’s not a weakness to set boundaries, boundaries are strength.

I didn’t say you were cheating, I simply said that someone in pain would likely not want to go out and cheat on their spouse. I have no idea where you think I suggested you were cheating on your partner - this isn’t about you and your actions, this is about the OP’s wife and her behaviour :blush:

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Taking another man’s number without a husbands consent is beyond reasonable in my mind. If you have fantasies, permissions or are planning something sexual in that space it’s probably OK. But to see your life partner make a solo decision to take another man (or womans) number isn’t acceptable in my mind. Unfortunately I would not have allowed that to happen without some immediate discussion

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