So, I know to the day exactley when my wife and I last had sex and it's nearly 12 months !
We both work extremely long hours, 2 kids, just moved house and the stress I have also of running my own business probably adds to all of this..
If i try to to make her relax or make a move I'm shunned and pushed away. I try everything, running nice baths for her, do things around the house to make things easier for everyone but I feel so alone.. I have a high sex driver and masterbate on a regular basis..
Feeling a little unloved - maybe just being selfish.
When we read those books ( you know the ones ) our sex life was fantastic, every day etc but now we're back to where we started
Have you tried talking to her? Could someone look after the kids when you both have a day off, spend the day doing the things you used to, swimming, skating, eating out just relax and be together , forget work and kids for a day, then just sit on sofa watching a film. She's had two kids, I imagine she doesn't feel great about her body, and works hard so is exhausted most days, I know you must be too. She might feel as lonely as you, best to talk about it, but not after work or when kids have been particularly hard work. Women can get very defensive when they're tired lol
You need to talk. It sounds like the issue isn't physical, but emotional.
You have to carve some time out for yourselves somehow - hire a babysitter, get relatives to have the kids overnight then talk. No sex. No expectation of sex. Just talk about the issue, about why it's like that and let her know how desperatley unhappy you are. Flatter her, tell her how much you still desire her, how wonderful she is, how hard it is to be a mum and work and all the other stuff as well. And then come up with a plan.
Maybe set some money aside to order things fomr lovehoney, with the focus on fun, rather than sex. Then get your calenders out and schedule sex. Yes, I know, sounds unromantic but the fact is, with busy lives you need to actually set aside time for the two of you.
And then see how it goes. Keep scheduling, but keep the pressure low, lots of fun, do your bit to ensure you get time alone together. Spend as much as you need to do this because your relationship is worth investing in and you'll be saving yourself thousands of pounds in the long run (think of the therapy and god forbid, the divorce costs!)
I know this will sound strange but sometimes you get out of the habit and its easier to say no than to learn how to start things again. I agree with the above if you can try to have some me time and do massage and have a bath together making it clear sex is off the agenda then at least you can start the ball rolling again. Good luck.
Yes we have plans to have the kids taken away for a long weekend in August..
We're pretty both exhausted to tell the truth.. But I love her so much and I tell her she looks great but she does see herself differently to how I do.
I suffer with body issues and you telling her she looks lovely somestimes doesn't work. My partner adores me no matter how I look. I've lost two and a half stone but he's always said he loves me how I am.
I know its no consoliation but sometimes when you are in a rut you think 'oh he's just being kind'. I am not saying thats how your wife thinks, I'm just giving you an insight as to how I felt.
I am getting better, but it is hard and I find just posting an avatar on here helps as people don't think I'm shrek, but at first I used to cringe. If it is body issues, then maybe sheer or lace chemises would help, they are a kind of security blanket. Being tired doesn't help, no one feels good when they are tired.
Lmf xx
Thanks for the advice guys / gals... I've never ever put my wife down in any way shape or form.. But I do know that she's not confident about her body although I see nothing wrong.. We've bought the lacy underwear and it does work for a while then we're both back in the same rut or work and kids etc.. I'm not moaning about the kids as I love them to bits as well but as we all know it is hard work especially as our oldest has ADHD which is tough to keep tabs on.
We've just moved home as well which has added pressure on both of us but I'm sure we'll get back to how it was pretty soon. Holidays are coming up and I'll make sure we have fun even if it's not in the bedroom.
Might go and have a look for some new toys and sign up for some toy testing as well
Hey. Seriously you could have been my husband posting months ago.
We were the same.
Kids, jobs, dogs etc etc
All I can suggest is conversation. Talk to her. Try to understand her. Be considerate of her, if you have to masturbate then do so.
Give her space. That's what happened with us and I got my sex drive back. It's not easy being a working mother and being expected to be a sexbomb at night.
Everything you feel my husband must have felt at some point. It's strange for me to see it from his perspective. But useful.
I am medically unfit at the moment so no sex for us for a while.
Thanks Pinkanimal.... Converstation as you say is key. We're both guilty of sitting there in the evenings on iPhones and iPads etc. Need to get the art of conversation going again. We probably email eachother more than we actually talk !!
If you read back on some of my posts you will see that my husband and I were exactly the same until a couple oof months ago. This is what worked for us. Husband told me exactly why sex was important to him and how he needed it and affection to feel close to me. I finally, finally listened. Read through the forums on here and found my voice. Now our sex life is through the roof. Here is my advice for what it is worth... Try making a pact with her to prioritise each other. Not necessarily with baths and nice romantic stuff... sometimes ladies want the naughty stuff too. If you can afford to, say you have £50 or whatever to spend on toys, underwear whatever... The purchase should be a surprise and no one get to baulk at the others purchases. I am not into watching porn with hubby but if you want something watchable but race try Game of Thrones or first couple of seasons of Gladiator. . Hot hot stuff. Tell her often how much you want her and how hot she makes you and how incredible she is. Good luck!
I would take the pressure off of both of you by taking it off the agenda.
And then talk about how u are both feeling.put phones,tablets,ect off agenda at bedtimes.
We were in a similar position a couple of months ago when I went back to work after our second child.when he fancied it, it was as though I was expected to want it because he did(he's normally got a lower drive than me).. Regardless of how I felt.so we sat down, I told him how I was feeling-exhausted- and we decided to not expect anything on either side for a few weeks.then we just made sure that cuddling,hand holding ect stayed firmly on the menu and a few weeks later i made the move when we were curled up on the sofa.fast forward a bit, now routines are getting established and I am getting into the juggling grove, we feel we've reached the point where some time to just connect as a couple,enjoy each others bodies, and unwind is needed so we are taking a nights spa Break for our anniversary in a month.
With regard to how she sees herself...mmaybe clothes rather than underwear? A piece from her fav shop or fav style? And compliment her on just an average day- not when particularly dressed up- its nice to feel that when u are busy doing everyday stuff u still look attractive.those unexpected compliments can give a little lift to the spirits.
I would take the pressure off of both of you by taking it off the agenda.
And then talk about how u are both feeling.put phones,tablets,ect off agenda at bedtimes.
We were in a similar position a couple of months ago when I went back to work after our second child.when he fancied it, it was as though I was expected to want it because he did(he's normally got a lower drive than me).. Regardless of how I felt.so we sat down, I told him how I was feeling-exhausted- and we decided to not expect anything on either side for a few weeks.then we just made sure that cuddling,hand holding ect stayed firmly on the menu and a few weeks later i made the move when we were curled up on the sofa.fast forward a bit, now routines are getting established and I am getting into the juggling grove, we feel we've reached the point where some time to just connect as a couple,enjoy each others bodies, and unwind is needed so we are taking a nights spa Break for our anniversary in a month.
With regard to how she sees herself...mmaybe clothes rather than underwear? A piece from her fav shop or fav style? And compliment her on just an average day- not when particularly dressed up- its nice to feel that when u are busy doing everyday stuff u still look attractive.those unexpected compliments can give a little lift to the spirits.
Thanks everyone.. We had had a little chat last night and apparently she has an underlying issue which I knew about but apparently has raised its head again but she didnt want to tell me !
Anyways I've persuaded her to see the doctor asap.. She's suffered with Polycystic Ovaries for many years.
stamford wrote:
Thanks everyone.. We had had a little chat last night and apparently she has an underlying issue which I knew about but apparently has raised its head again but she didnt want to tell me !
Anyways I've persuaded her to see the doctor asap.. She's suffered with Polycystic Ovaries for many years.
having a medical problem which is curently meaning no penetrative sex for me I can totally relate to her and how she feels.
So all sexual things for now need to come second and your wife first.
Well done on persuading her to go see the doctor though.
x
I'm glad you chatted, hopefully you wil be able to have the sex life you both want soon :)
Yes, anything sex related now on the back burner until things have eased. I support her 100% in everything. Health is more important than sex even though sex is an important part of a relationship.