There’s always two sides to every story. If you knew my OH you’d understand that she’s never done anything out of malice … more a lack of emotional IQ and little experience dealing with relationship-based conflict.
I have NO issue with her having any sort of sexual history. I once slept with a girl I’d only just met in town, and have also had a couple of ‘one night stands’ etc. Part of my initial interest in her was her interest in sex.
As a lot of people have commented this situation sounds quite familiar.
I can say after being with my partner 25 years we have had long patches where we went through similar things. As we get older we all go through different insecurities which can create “Blockages” in a relationship.
My advice would be to firstly drop the “In the past we” or “In the past you” lines as this will play havoc with your and her mental health. Forget what used to be and concentrate on what is! The past is gone and the future is unwritten so work together to make the best future you can.
My partner went through a stage of being quite large which she was self confident about. Then she lost weight and became self confident about baggy skin. Then she hit menopause and became self confident about that. It felt like a war of always having to fight to get her to realize that regardless of size and mood swings I love her no matter what! Getting that message across is the most important thing. Be there for her, support her and work for your future do not throw the past back at her.
I hope this helps you a little and can bring you some peace of mind. Just so you know myself and my partner and now in our 50’s and having some of the best and most regular sex we have had. It has not always been easy but through supporting each other and showing we love each other anything is possible.
Thx TinyTom, really appreciate the thoughts.
Absolutely, the “in the past” chats are gone. I’m doing much of what you’re suggesting, so I’m left feeling (as I might have replied elsewhere) that I just need to stay patient and consistent with my love and support, and try to keep the faith.
It’s been really helpful having others share similar stories. I don’t have much of an outlet or friends who are able to broach these subjects.
I’m hoping I’ll be able to post back here in the coming weeks/months with some good news re: progress 
It could be perimenopause,a woman’s body beginning the process of menopause ,but it’s easy to put 2 and 2 together and make 6 ,u may be coming to quick conclusions, we all change as people through relationships ,she still probably loves u to death but can’t get those feelings out because they new to her too , sit her down and ask her if she’s ok ,
Let her know it’s ok not to be ok ,from your wording it’s obvious that how u feel about her transcends just sexual contact , tell her u care about how she feels and that you will be by her side
Always use empathy … if you ever felt down in life , wouldn’t it be great knowing she was there for u ?
Talk to her , no shouting ,ask her , her eyes will tell u if there’s someone else
Take care
NSN
Hi all … just thought I’d post a wee update as it had been a while since I first posted.
My OH & I didn’t see a counsellor, but somehow managed to crash our way down to a really beautiful way to communicate … and I can honestly say things are starting to feel more positive. It’s a far longer story than that … but I’ll save details.
I’d always really just wanted my wife to share all of herself with me. Through patience, but also persistence, I think we might be getting there.
We’re even now starting to talk about our sex life in ways we haven’t before … tomorrow OH has even agreed to us introducing a new sex toy I got for her (from LH of course) which I just can’t wait for!! It might just be ‘show and tell’ tomorrow, but that’s part of the fun. The sort of fun I must admit I sometimes doubted would be possible.
I’m just feeling really … hopeful. And excited.
Latest update: Just in case anyone was interested to know how things were going. Many good, deep chats between my OH and I since my last post.
It turns out my OH has been carrying a major insecurity around with her for much longer than we’ve been together. A hang-up about herself that she’s been too ashamed to admit, which has been a key reason for her holding back sexually in our relationship.
While in her mid-teens my OH began hating her own downstairs area. Mostly it’s revolved around believing she had/has far more pubic hair than other girls/women, and it was something to be embarrassed about. It caused her to hide her nethers from anyone and everyone, and meant she effectively had to be a bit drunk before she’d get intimate.
I suspect it’s maybe part of the reason she had a few more casual encounters than longer-term flings, and has prevented her from enjoying being the centre of attention or really letting go in the bedroom.
My OH still feels a bit gross when I’m touching her, because the thought of her not being ‘normal’ gets in the way, and she worries about what I’m touching. I love performing oral sex but it doesn’t happen often in my marriage, and now I know why.
She’s way off the mark, and has been damaging herself emotionally for no reason … but has realised now how it’s crept into many aspects of our relationship, and the negative impact it’s had/having.
We’re working on it. Her pussy is gorgeous. I love her pubic hair, and everything that goes with it. She’s a beautiful woman. Last night, we lay in bed together, and I held her down there while talking positively about what I was feeling.
It’s going to take a while, but I think we’ll get there one day. The fact she’s willing to try is awesome. I can’t wait for the day she realises it was all in her head. Not for me. I can’t wait for her to be free of the cage she’s put herself in. I can’t wait for her to accept the pleasure her loving husband is still so willing to give her.
Baby steps.
She’s worth it, 1000 times over.
I am so glad you are so supportive. Give her lots and lots of attention, love and keep on talking. Big hugs to you both.
Stepped it up more last night. Lots of touching over clothes before skin-on-skin. I ran my fingers through her pubic hair, and spoke gently about what I was feeling … but more importantly how I felt.
I traced my fingers over every inch of her while describing everything I was doing, and everything I love about her body. We spent 30-40mins like this, before I grabbed her favourite toy and worked her up to a huge orgasm.
She’s always enjoyed sex, and says I’m the best she’s ever had, but I never knew that she’s only really ever felt ok during sexual contact once it’s moved to PIV sex … I can’t believe she’s held onto the negative thoughts she’s had for so long.
I’m giving her a ‘break’, but in a few days we’ll try more things to change her mental cycle, including hopefully some lights-on show-n-tell.
(I’m out of action atm due to recent surgery, so it gets to be all about her. So far so good.)
It’s been a while since posting … and it’s been an interesting last 2-3 months for sure.
I had a hernia op (open surgery) which put me out of action, my elderly father came to live with us for 6 weeks, and then my sister for 2 weeks. Add 3 cases of thrush for wifey (meds-related) and we’ve probably had sex only a handful of times in the past 3 months.
But I’m just about to get in the car, drive to get my wife from work, and take her away to a favourite getaway spot for the weekend.
While it’s been a dry spell, we’ve managed to grow in terms of our communication. Wifey has felt less threatened, and more intrigued by my high drive and desire for her. She’s starting to flirt with me in msgs, and in-person.
I’m so excited for the weekend.
I’m even more hopeful than ever.
My OH is relaxing more, and looking forward to my weird intensity.
… I’d better get on the road.
Wish me luck if you care to 