Lack of sex drive

You have certainly come to the right place for advice. I am sure you will get some super advice and you will be back on track quickly. I am not the best person to offer advice but welcome to the forum.

@Melissa.lynn12 sorry thought it would work lol :kissing_heart:

They are amazing books, (no spoilers, haven’t read the last one yet). I want to read her other series too.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself though. It took alot of guts to post on this forum. I always think that when we get new people, the first post is the hardest.

Like everyone has said though. Having a chat with your partner is always a good idea.

Ps. Good reads is where i go to find recommendations. They have loads of lists of erotica and romance novels.

I don’t feel like I would be much help because I’m just emerging from a very similar situation. Or maybe I’m not because everything is coming (or not, ha!) in fits and starts since I started thyroid medication and I’m not sure how I feel most of the time, as I’m sure you don’t either. You’re not alone by any means, and I’m following your thread to share positive vibes (and maybe borrow some good advice - the book suggestion sounds fab!). Here’s to supporting each other from afar… x

Alcohol is a great inhibition suppressant. Things we wouldn’t normally consider when sober become the must-do thing with a snootful; one look down main street of a friday night will confirm this, but basically whatever emotions you’re feeling inside (but kept in check) are given free rein when alcohol is involved, whether you’re happy, angry, horny, sad, etc.

Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with sex when sober for whatever reason and your head gets in your way, and you find alcohol distracts it long enough to enjoy yourself?

Without knowing what’s in your head, I can only advise some introspection to discover what it is makes you uncomfortable in that respect, then finds a way to work through that until you’re at peace internally with it. Fingers crossed for you! :slight_smile:

Hello @Melissa.lynn12, welcome :blush:. I don’t know if this is helpful, but it sounds quite similar to something I went through, so thought I would share just in case.

You mentioned PPD so guessing you have at least one young child? When I had my second, I struggled a lot. I was tired because she fed all the time and I couldn’t get into a routine with her, and my husband works long hours so often wasn’t home, and I had a toddler. I had put on a lot of weight during the pregnancy because eating was the only thing that stopped me throwing up, and then I couldn’t shift the weight afterwards (I’m still carrying it now and she’s about to start school!). All of this left me feeling really unsexy. I felt that every member of the family wanted a piece of me, and at the end of the day the thought of sex was just another piece of me to give away.

As time passed though, I started to find myself again. Part of it was learning to take a little time for myself (some nights it was choosing to slump.in front of the TV and watch something rather than shower!) But also I spoke with my husband, and he told me how he saw me. I realised that although I didn’t like me, he still did, even with the huge tummy, stretch marks, greasy hair etc. The more he told me this, the more I began to believe him. I also worked on trying to feel sexy. I got some lingerie that highlighted what I liked and covered what I didn’t, and that helped. And trying not to say no every time hubby suggested it. In some ways it was like practicing until I got it again, so I would not always feel like it, but by doing it and then enjoying it, I started to want it more.

Ironically its worked so well I now want it more than he does (he’s often really tired due to demanding job) so I’m now having to learn to be patient!

I have no idea if this rambly post is helpful, but my main takeaway has been to learn to be kind and patient with myself. Life can throw all sorts of curve balls which affect us (stress from jobs, children, family, money etc) and these can have a profound affect. But they pass, or we learn to adjust and things do get better again.

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I though your piece really brought things home from a ladies prospective @Shelly24 my wife has lost her sex drive and I will encourage her to read your comments. I am much like your husband in that I love my wife and everything about her, she just needs to believe it and see what I see.

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Have you tried exploring what it could be to why you done feel sexually driven when sober?

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Not really

Maybe try some inner soul searching to figure this out then as once you’ve found contributing factors to why you only get turned on under the influence of alcohol, you can then start to work on how to improve your sex drive :relieved:

@Melissa.lynn12 when you say you need alcohol, do you need a few drinks or are we talking about you being drunk and not knowing what you are doing?

Well sometimes since I drink so little I don’t remember everything from the night before but usually enough to get a buzz lol

Try just having 1 or 2 drinks to see if this reduces your inhibitions and increases your sex drive. You will then remember more and hopefully enjoy things more as well.

I hope it helps her @steve19. :purple_heart:

Firstly, welcome to the forum!
I don’t think you are alone in feeling more like sex after a drink or two. These are anxious times for lots of people and alcohol can help us to relax and it can help us to be less inhibited. It can help us to throw other concerns to the bottom of the list for a while - and when we are sober that can be quite a long list.

If you feel your use of alcohol is an issue in itself, then that is something else, but if it is really about feeling relaxed and sexual then you could try building up intimacy in small ways without the drinks. E.g. a shower together, a massage, a foot-rub, just talking over a meal that you haven’t had to cook. Tuning your mind to sexual things - like reading erotica - is a good way to go and sounds to be working for you.

I don’t know your relationship status, but sex often happens more naturally if we are comfortable and familiar with someone - at first the sparks might fly but people can feel a pressure which a glass or two can ease. Another side of this coin is that sometimes we just stop being attracted to partners who don’t make an effort. I’m not suggesting any of this is true for you, but it is for some.

Leaving alcohol to one side, ask yourself if you fancy the person you are with during times when you are not being sexual. Do you have meaningful and fun times together? These things form the bedrock of relationships. It might be that looking at your wider relationship, and being aware of anxiety and mood might be helpful, rather than seeing this as an alcohol issue.

If you are on meds and have young kids, give yourself a break - you have a lot going on so a glass of wine to get you in the mood atm may not be anything to worry about. You are probably long-term tired, but also sound to enjoy sex when it happens - good for you! It doesn’t sound to me like there is anything wrong with you, as you suggested further up the thread. No one feels sexy all of the time. Libido comes and goes over the course of a life - it’s normal.

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