Apologies if this has been posted before. I did do a search, but couldn't find anything (perhaps understandably!)
I'm a married man, with a wife I adore. When we have sex, we are both very satisfied but the problem is frequency. She has, and has always had, a much lower sex drive than me. While I would have sex every day if I could, us having sex about every other day is mostly down to me and I'm increasingly not happy with the one-sidedness of that, particularly as if we have sex more than once in 24 hours, she's usually still too sensitive to climax which makes me feel horribly selfish for pushing it.
I'd like us to meet in the middle more, sex-drive wise, and although I believe our sex is better than it used to be, I think it's unfair of me to expect her to be able to (it is even possible?) raise her libido so I was wondering whether anyone knows if it's possible to lower mine? I think a couple of times a week is probably her ideal and although I could get by with masturbating in the interim, I believe I would actually enjoy sex more if I could abstain from that in the 'down days'.
Obviously I know about exercise, which I do, and cold showers, which I'm loathe to do, but I was hoping someone might have had experience with this kind of thing and might offer some other advice? Maybe something medical?
Not what you were asking for, but what if you compromised on some days and instead of you masturbating or having sex, stimulate each other without sex?
Im a woman and i dont always feel in the mood for sex every day, but im more than happy to give a hand job or a blow job even if i dont want anything in return.
In terms of her raising her libido, its kind of possible. For me ive been having sex almost every day for the past couple of months and love it. If for whatever reason we went 2 or 3 days without sex then i would get used to that and it would tail off. I heard that the more sex you have, the more you want and thought it was rubbish but its true!
Identify what it is that you both want. For me personally if im in the mood early on then i will have a bath, do my hair, dress sexily and be up for a long night doing anything and everything. Some days however im happier for just a quickie. So long as you are both on the same page its not too hard to compromise.
I have a much higher sex drive than my fiancee (me 45 her 49) and i dont think there is much you can do about lowering your libido medically apart from relieving yourself.
We are going through a hard time after she had a hysterectomy last year (fully recovered medically) but her libido has gone through the floor whilst mine has gone through the roof!
Most important is talking to each other and tell her your feelings.
i realy wouldn't reccomend taking anything (if there is such a thing) to lower your libido, you dont know by how much it will be lowered or how it will be lowered, if it will have a lasting effect, make you more prone to reduced libido or ability to raise the little man as you get older. i think you just need to adjust your attitude towards your libido. very very few couples have matching sex drives, mine is much higher than OHs and i totally understand you when you say if the other cant climax you feel bad for pushing it, we've kind of gotten past that, sometimes theres no time after sex for me to climax (i ony do for oral) and sometimes the little man leaves so he doesnt climax, but we still had sex and it was still amazing so who cares? also, i think a "refused orgasm" increases the others want for sex again.
mastubation is totally normal in couples, and as long as you're not overdoing it and just doing it when you're bored kind of thing, it is an effecctive way to reduce your libido when you're desperate but the other has made it clear they dont want to. also, just becauase you're horny doesn't mean you have to have sex, i find myself horny most of the time but have really improved in terms of "begging" for sex just by accepting that its toaly normal for me to be horny. i think this has made OH initiate much more which is amazing as it used to feel like he'd give in to me just to keep me happy. think, if you fancy chocolate cake, you dont always go buy chocolate cake, you just take your mind off it, its the same for sex, just becuase you fancy it, doesnt mean you have to have it.
sorry if theres not much advice there, im basically trying to say, a high libido doesnt mean you need sex all the time, and if you're really gagging for it have a wank, or ask her to use a toy on you although i understand that can be a difficult thing to ask of your partner
Not what you were asking for, but what if you compromised on some days and instead of you masturbating or having sex, stimulate each other without sex?
---
Thank-you for your input. And to Y&F who suggested the same thing. I see what you're both saying and that has been a suggestion during one of our conversations about this which are, to be honest, pretty rare and usually qiute terse. I don't think it's a go-er. I see the sense in it, but I don't think I could get past the lingering guilt, no matter how misplaced, that it's not necessarily something she wants to do but rather something she's doing just to make me happy. That probably sounds daft and I realise it is but it's happened in the past and I haven't enjoyed it much.
baldbanger, she's 36 and we've been together for more than ten years. I'm 38. I know you're saying that your post wasn't much help but just knowing people are in a similar situation does help. I wish you luck too and your wife well. A hysterectomy is a big thing.
Y&F, I think I get what you're saying. Not asking for it might make it more forthcoming? That's interesting.
Anyway, I've just got back into contact with my Muay Thai teacher after a long break. Maybe being kicked about a couple of times a week might take my mind off things!
i love Muay Thai! havent done it for over a year due to uni, best martial art available.
i do understand that you dont want hher to do it just to please you and agree that its not the best option. horniness is a way of life and it just makes it that more amazing when you have to wait for it, also is she under any stress at all? even small things like running her a bath and washing her back can make a massive difference
I don't think she's under any major stress although our particular dynamic is not one where either of us, particularly her, is that comfortable with talking about these kinds of things. Which is probably the basis for most of our problems. But yeah, there's always the scope to be nicer, isn't there?
Maybe I'll suggest Jane Austen Book Club rather than Guardians of the Galaxy tonight. :p
thats actually a really good idea, although it may not lead to an instant return. my OH isnt very comfortable talking ometimes, it just takes constant reasurance which is working for me but taking time, im oposite, i have to say whats on my mind or it eats me up inside
Yes, that sounds extremely familiar. I suppose the trick is to talk about it slowly and without seeming in the least confrontational. It's a trick I've yet to completely master.
deffinately the trick, and whatever they say, even if it knocks you back just take it in and take time away to get your head round it, dont make it seem like what they told you was bad otherwise the guard is straight back up lol OH recently felt really uneasy about telling me his ex's IUD failed for a while once, we'd been researching contraception as my sisters injection recently failed, i think i was a little too encouraging of him ot tell me and he may have felt pressured, i supose knowing when to let it go is key too
Forget about lowering your sex drive, this isnt just for sex reasons as I understand you could be feeling like your putting presure on OH as hers is slower to build up than yours.
The reason I say forget about it as its a sign of good sexual health which also will lead to you looking better/leaner and staying fitter, there are things you can take to lower your hormones but I would advise against it, not only will your sex drive crash your feel emotinal and not yourself.
Bar masturbation there isnt much else that would work, one thing I found is if I have sex everyday then I generally want sex everyday, if I leave it for a while I can last a little longer up to around 3-4 days then I get a little to frisky :)
Oh one last thing when men are horney they need a release soonish, I cant get past this feeling perhaps I have a issue but upto 4-5 days I ache and this can get pretty painful.