I hope this doesn’t go against any forum rules. Please bare with me, it’s a long one…
How does someone get past the negative stigma/shame around masturbation? My hubby has expressed that he would love to watch me masturbate, but the thing is, I’ve never really done it before. And I don’t feel I can be entirely comfortable doing it in front of him without being comfortable doing it on my own first.
The extent of my masturbation would be from a younger age, rubbing against a pillow/teddy, with no grasp on the concept of self pleasure. In my family it was considered wrong and dirty and this I’ve grown up thinking it’s not something someone should do, especially a female. Even when family members have spoken about other family members owning sex toys it’s taboo and not something anyone should want to own.
Hubby and I have a great sex life and I have been one to experiment with some toys, but always with a partner. In the past during intimate times when hubby has asked me to play with myself I have occasionally slipped a finger in or rubbed my clit but it’s certainly never been anything to give me any good feelings. I’ve always thought why bother when he can just do it better than I ever could
But the time has come that I want to delve into the world of self pleasure. I think our relationship can benefit from some masturbation and sexting when he’s away and some mutual masturbation sessions. So where does one start? How do you get past the negative stigma? I have a few clit suckers and wands, but lacking things like dildos and rabbits in the toy drawer. Is there any particular toys you’d recommend?
If you made it through that essay, thank you. I look forward to opening my mind and body to the possibility
I think youre quite right about being wanting to be comfortable masturbating alone before you share the experience with him.
Like you my wife gets little or no pleasure from using her own fingers but, with lots of practice, she can orgasm easily using wands,vibrators or suckers. I love watching her use any of these.
When you feel comfortable masturbating alone you could ease in to the next step by suggesting that you masturbate together watching each other.
My wife has a very similar mindset to you - well, that’s an assumption on my part. She considers all (solo) masturbation to be… not shameful, but not a positive thing. I’d love for her to be open to trying it, so:
Congratulations on trying to overcome any stigma you may be wrestling with.
Hope you don’t mind me reading along to try and empathise with my wife a little!
If you are not yet comfortable masturbating solo or having your husband just watch, why not start by exploring with him.
You said you’ve touched yourself with him in the past, but didn’t get much from it because he does it better, but maybe try and reframe those thoughts. Maybe he could start and you hold his hand while he does it, and then you take over with him guiding you. You could do this with fingers or a toy. Once you take over, he can move on to doing something else to do. Frame it as a shared experience (him seeing you get physical pleasure turns him on and him being turned on should turn you on, kind of circular thinking).
It’s about training your brain to associate touching yourself with sexual pleasure. If you can do it with your husband’s help when he is there, it will be easier to let him just watch you when you are together and to have mutual sessions when you are apart.
The idea of him starting and you following amd then taking over seems an ideal solution.
He will be blown away by whatever you do and the fact that you are taking the initiative, it is you that need to be comfortable and find enjoyment in it. It is all about experimentation as it was when you were younger, this time there is no stigma and only someone who wants the best outcome for you.
Just something I wanted to add. I’m pretty good at masturbating myself, but even now, my husband is far better working on me than I am. Don’t expect too much of yourself.
Learn from him, but don’t expect to be better than him. Just learn what works for you. There is a lot of fun ahead xx
Hi @Hails , it can be intimidating touching yourself in front of him if your not used to it. Over the years I’ve asked OH to touch herself while we’re having sex. A bit reluctant but the times she did she was happy she could get there and glad i was watching. I’ve had no problem masturbating in front of her during sex and think of it as part of our fun together. I also am happy with a bit of solo play. OH has no problem getting there using a toy when we’re together . Maybe try mutual masturbation and then touching yourselves while next to each other . Agree with others you should also spend time alone getting comfortable with your own body and solo play then introduce him to your fun. I’m sure he’ll love it when you’re more confident in front of him. Good luck and enjoy the journey !
Hi there. Let me assure you that there is no need to feel ashamed or nervous about wanting to explore masturbation. Most folks partake even though they don’t readily discuss it.
To help you get over the stigma and to normalize masturbation, I suggest you listen to some sex positive podcasts that are out there. Some great ones include “Shameless Sex”, “Sex with Emily”, “Come Curious”, “The Dildorks” and “Great Sex with Helena” to name a few. All of these are available on multiple platforms and have episodes re female masturbation as well as toys and many other topics. Listening to these ladies speak about the topic will help normalize masturbation as a healthy part of an individual’s sexlife and teach you of the many benefits. Also great info for men too in better understanding their partners potential needs.
Give them a listen and see what you think. Maybe even plan yourself some alone time to explore your body while listening.
Bravo you! As they say, it’s the thought that counts - and if you are willing to experiment and try new things, in many ways that’s the biggest hurdle when it comes to sex stuff.
I’m a man, and a few years ago when my wife and I really started to work on our sexual relationship, I sheepishly admitted that watching her masturbating was a huge turn on for me. I was pretty shy and felt shame about it and was over the moon when she was very open to it (she often touched herself during sex anyway)
There is no way I can touch her better than she can. She’s the expert - and that’s what makes it so sexy!
In terms of the stigma that is associated with it - that’s just societal hypocrisy. Masturbation is a fact of life (and halleluiah for Lovehoney and this forum for a place to be honest and open!)
Just remember that your sex life is nobody elses business except for you and your partner - and enjoy it while you can!
Next, I would suggest that you find some time to just relax and explore your body - without putting any pressure on yourself to have an orgasm, or be sexy, or anything.
Layla Martin does podcasts and has a “Pussy Massage” video / audio guide that you could try. You will find out about your own body, pleasure, likes and dislikes.
Also try looking at OMGYes too - it’s all about ladies finding how to self pleasure.
I’m delighted to say that my wife is very happy to open herself wide (emotionally and physically) and let me in on the action when she masturbates. I find it mind blowingly sexy.
I think your husband is a very lucky man. Have fun exploring with him!
That thing makes my wife have super orgasms in a very short time. After a few uses on your own hopefully you will be looking forward to the next orgasm so much that you will forget about any hang-ups you have. You can then use it with your husband. If he is masturbating at the same time you will feel less self-conscious.
Your post does breach the forum rules, about age. Just delete the paragraph that begins “The extent of my masturbation…” and I think you’re good to go
Stigma and shame around masturbation is something that unfortunately seems to be quite common, particularly for women, and I can relate to that. My mother is both sex-positive and sex-negative (it’s only good if I’m getting good sex too, otherwise sex is bad) and so it took me a while to see sex as a good thing, too. Once I had good sex (with my now-husband), though, things changed.
I think one of the first obstacles to overcome is self-love: self-acceptance and self-respect, paericularly. You need to accept that you are allowed to feel pleasure, and that you will give yourself the respect to enjoy pleasure however you wish to, even if nobody else does. You are allowed this, whether they agree or not.
Then find a toy that works for you and pleasure yourself with it, or learn to masturbate (there are plenty of tutorials online, Lovehoney has one here ) . Don’t be upset if it doesn’t work right away. Keep at it, use plenty of lube, and work with what feels good for you.
Once you’ve found what works and you feel confident in sharing it with your husband, you can invite him to watch. I found a sort of happy compromise in “teaching” hubby how I do it, which he also thoroughly enjoys. Try both, and ultimately, enjoy
I think there’s some really great advice already posted on this thread but just wanted to chime in on the congratulations on wanting to explore your body for yourself and your sex life!
I have to say I wholeheartedly understand the stigma and shame, particularly around women masturbating. It wasn’t something really spoken about in my family except being told off for it as a smaller child before knowing what pleasure like that really was.
Saying that, I still feel as though touching myself with my hands isn’t as fun or pleasurable as using toys, despite having had a lot more experience making this sort of time for myself. Personally, I much prefer touching myself over my underwear etc or using a toy - I find it is more comfortable and feels a lot better.
I’ve also heard good things about the greedy girl one, which someone has linked further up!
I found that using toys like that to explore myself and what I liked really encouraged me to try new things. I also found value in getting comfortable with just touching generally and how everything feels/looks.
The way I hep my wife and may be little too much. But I leave a dildo in the shower for her and up to her what she does. She hasn’t done solo without recording. Like everyone is saying don’t be shameful but find ways to incorporate into both of lives. Dirty talk, roleplay, the options are limitless. I come so hard knowing she played with herself without me. For me it’s euphoric and a High feeling that I love. And the best part is we are doing it with people we love and care for. Enjoy the journey. We only live once
