Hi All,
I am just looking for a bit of advice, sorry it is a long one.
The past 6 months or so have been a bit of a tough time for us as a couple and a family.
I had to have an urgent hysterectomy last November, then I had a post op flare up of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Just as I returned to work after 3 months off my mum was rushed into hospital and my husband found out he may be being made redundant.
I have healed well from the op and at the beginning sex was amazing.
In the past few weeks Sex has been either amazing or nothing happening, which is something we have never experienced in our relationship but I understand why it has been like this due to the recent stresses. We have hardly kissed or touched each which is really odd as we are normally really touchy feely.
Last night I was using my husband's tablet, with his permission as I had left mine at work.
While using it I noticed in the past few weeks there has been a lot of porn action and a couple of websites relating to affairs and secret dating. I have no issues with porn as something I watch from time to time and I know he watches but over the past few weeks, it is clear it has been a pretty much constant activity.
Looking back there have been times I have gone into the room and he has appeared to be a little off. He has started to spend most of his time upstairs with the TV on, but again I have put this down to the stress of work situation and needing some time out.
I only reason I saw these sites was my husband mentioned he had seen a job he thought I may be interested and it was in his history. (I have a job but interested in a new challenge)
I have not yet discussed my findings as I don't want to blow things out of proportion but I feel so unsettled by them. He has been more distant the past few weeks, It is hard to put into words but even before finding the stuff on his history I have felt unsettled.
He didn't try to hide things from me so I am now wondering if he wants me to say something or if he mentioned me looking in his history before realising what I would see...
I wouldn't be bothered about the porn especially if there's little to no sex happening at the moment as people do have their sexual needs, but I would be concerned about the affairs and secret dating sites. It's something I wouldn't be able to keep quiet about as it would play on my mind. I would definitely ask him about those and see what he has to say. If his porn watching is beginning to replace sex between you two, that's probably something that needs to be spoken about too.
Firstly hugs xxxx
Me and captain had an experience recently that totally rocked our marriage and we are currently trying to fix it. We had been through stresses and things had put a strain on our marriage. We became ships that pass in the night and sex because few and far between. He started getting attention from someone at work and he was enjoying it. He let it get a bit out of hand then realised what was happening and put a stop to it. He never did anything physical but he also tried to hide it all from me. I found out after having a dream about him having an affair and him acting very strange to me saying it.
It's rocked our marriage to the core. I've soul searched and I've done a tonne of reading on getting your marriage back. Sometimes captain says to me part of him wanted me to find out because it was a weight on his shoulders. We are rebuilding our marriage but we both wish we had been able to find a way to stop it happening at all.
From my personal experience if it was captain I would say he'd done it in purpose because he had made a stupid mistake even thinking about it and now wants to work on your relationship but doesn't know how to broach the subject. As for the porn the might be a perfectly innocent reason like he's still liking the thought of sex but doesn't have the energy so watching it is a lot less stressful than having to perform for you.
Either way you need to decide how you personally want to go from here. No one can answer that for you I'm afraid. Maybe captain can share his experience of everything so you have a male perspective from someone who's made a bad choice? I hope everything works out ok for you xx
First of all the porn no problem and agree with the others.
The potential affairs are another thing. You need to nip this in the bud otherwise things could get out of hand. How you bring that topic up I wouldnt like to say but gently is going to be the key thing .
Just be careful about one thing though and you need to bear this in mind before bringing the subject up Some of these porn sites can automatically activate dating sites and other sites offering sex .So there could be an innocent explaination and this could be a way of bringing the situatuion out into the open .
Thank you for your replies, they have been so helpful..x
The porn really isn't a huge issue by itself tbh..I agree he could be so stressed it is easy light relief without much effort! I am hoping the links on history are ads from the porn sites as there was only a couple.
I don't want to fly in guns blaring and I keep reminding myself he hasn't hid anything from me but I also know I can't ignore how I am feeling.
We will have the opportunity to talk tonight as my daughters are out tonight for a couple of hours.
I think I am going to note the bullet and say how I noticed the porn sites and take it from there.
Good luck hun xx hope it all goes OK and he is able to be honest and open with you
I thought I would pop in with an update!..1st of all, thank you guys for grounding me with good advice. The affair sites were pop ads...I feel daft for even thinking anything other tbh...
We had chatted about recent events and basically the porn has been a distraction device..It is hubbies birthday tomorrow but also the day he finds out if he is going to be made redundant.
I have realised my biggest issue has been the lack of talking and the level of intimacy we usually have lots kisses, touches etc. Since I returned to work after 3 months off I realise I have been flopping out after work and kids or busy doing my uni stuff I have not bothered with things not just him.
During chats he has been able to explain he felt he has left me down with more stress due to work .
Basically we are back on track and come what may will we deal with stuff...work/family/ whatever
Glad things went the right way after your chat. However don't feel daft for asking him. Things like that can eat away at you if you don't confront it head on. Now you know and you can put that bit in the past.
Hope you continue to get things back on track.
You did exactly the right thing in asking and it sounds as though you asked in exactly the right way....Without accusations being flung ☺
I hope things can settle down for you both xx
Tbh I held for a couple of days while making ure I put some effort in...he then mentioned how he had been feeling some distance between us which gave me the perfect starter.
i was honest about what I had I seen and I knew his reaction was real, he was upset I had been worrying about this and totally understood why I felt the way I did. He said anything ever worried me again I was to pounce in it .
onwards and upwards sa they say...x
I'm so glad you've had the chat and things are getting better. I'm also glad you've updated us xx
Hi hunni, so happy you've talked things through and everythings moving in a more positive direction😙💗xx
Well done you !
This is proof that there is nothing more corrossive in a marriage than distrust.
The best remedy is always simply to TALK. 99% of the time this is all that is needed.
Even if he had been going on dating sites this does not mean he doesnt love you because he simply might want some online 'attention' Men are basically insecure and want to be wanted. This does not mean he would ever do nayting about it but merel use it as a confidence booster. A lot of women (and men too) forget that when they are not 100% or are pregnant perhaps that just because they do not feel arosued or intimate their partner still might. When my wife had our 3 chldren each time she went off sex for about 1 year ! It was hard for me not felling wanted sexually but I still adored her and wouldnt dream of looking elsewhere, but I can say I didnt fantasise about it though. What I wouldnt have given for some attention in the bedroom. It was hard for me. I know it was selfish but I could not help the feelings of it. We should have talked about it more and nowlaugh about it years later. Thats something you learn as you get older. If its on your mind TALK. It can never hurt.
Anyways glad it worked out well for you both 
smirnoff09 wrote:
I thought I would pop in with an update!..1st of all, thank you guys for grounding me with good advice. The affair sites were pop ads...I feel daft for even thinking anything other tbh...
We had chatted about recent events and basically the porn has been a distraction device..It is hubbies birthday tomorrow but also the day he finds out if he is going to be made redundant.
I have realised my biggest issue has been the lack of talking and the level of intimacy we usually have lots kisses, touches etc. Since I returned to work after 3 months off I realise I have been flopping out after work and kids or busy doing my uni stuff I have not bothered with things not just him.
During chats he has been able to explain he felt he has left me down with more stress due to work .
Basically we are back on track and come what may will we deal with stuff...work/family/ whatever
I am glad that you appeared to take note of my advice about the attached ads to porn sites before jumping in .
It is good to talk and happy for you that things are again on the right path .Its at times like this when one feels happy and thankful to be in a good stable relationship. .
Well done .
smirnoff09 wrote:
I thought I would pop in with an update!..1st of all, thank you guys for grounding me with good advice. The affair sites were pop ads...I feel daft for even thinking anything other tbh...
We had chatted about recent events and basically the porn has been a distraction device..It is hubbies birthday tomorrow but also the day he finds out if he is going to be made redundant.
I have realised my biggest issue has been the lack of talking and the level of intimacy we usually have lots kisses, touches etc. Since I returned to work after 3 months off I realise I have been flopping out after work and kids or busy doing my uni stuff I have not bothered with things not just him.
During chats he has been able to explain he felt he has left me down with more stress due to work .
Basically we are back on track and come what may will we deal with stuff...work/family/ whatever
I'm late in here to this thread but what a shining example for many women. Your a good wife and companion. He's a very lucky man. This is how exactly to deal with these situation. Get it out in the open quickly don't dwell on it so your mind runs riot with speculation. 10 of 10.
Hope things improve for you both soon xxx