I’m a bit shocked and don’t really know why, I’ve been bisexual all my life, apart from the guys I’ve slept with the only person who knows is my female best friend, She asked me tonight if one of my fuck buddies when I was a teen was a friend of ours, he wasn’t by the way,
And then she told me she had worked me out years ago always knew, infact she actually thought I was gay as I was always gushy around my mate who was her boyfriend but as we were a foursome with my now wife who did everything together she couldn’t just ask if I fancied her partner and was gay.
The reason why I’m shocked is when I came out to her a couple of years ago she acted very surprised but was very supportive, understanding and was there for me to talk to and share our liking for men but she never said she already knew. I asked her why didn’t she just say she always knew and she said she didn’t know why as it was so obvious to her and realised it was a mistake now, for some reason I feel a bit hurt she wasn’t straight with me and pretended she didn’t know and pretended to be shocked.
Now I always thought I came over as a straight male but now I’m thinking that maybe my sexuality is a bit more obvious for people to see than I realised!!
UPDATE “Thanks all, your all right I would say she definitely was letting me say it all, and listening without stealing my moment by saying she already knew. I realise now I wrote this post when it was still a shock she had known for so long and I didn’t give her the love she deserves for being my best of friends. She really is a lovely person who I’m really lucky to have as a friend and a confidant!! XxX”
Yeah maybe thats it, we went out for a coffee so I could literally pour my heart out and get it all out. She said she wish she’d asked me earlier if I was gay so we could talk through it, at this point she was still convinced I was gay but when I came out as bisexual it made more sense!
Don’t lose any sleep feeling hurt, mate. She meant well. If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. I didn’t come out to my family until I was 60 years old: my brother’s response was…
“Oh, I already knew that” is a very dismissive response to someone telling you something that is very personal and often hard to talk about. It can shut down conversation when someone is most in need of it and cause a feeling of profound self consciousness. Your friend’s response tells me she is a kind person who wanted to be understanding and let you talk and express yourself and not make your coming out about her.
@Yes_man just because she kind of knew doesn’t mean that the shock / surprise she demonstrated wasn’t totally genuine too.
If she wasn’t expecting you to “come out” at that coffee date I’m sure the surprise was very real.
As others have said she may have also been letting you get everything out not shutting you down with “yep I guessed”.
Lastly (morning ramblings of Mrs John) her recollections may have changed since you told her. The signs were there that you were interested in men. She may have never connected the dots before you actually told her. Now she may have an altered recollection of what she “thought / knew” back then. Humans do this.
Imagine you saw an accident happen, so fast that you didn’t take in much besides noise, fear, confusion. Someone asks you the model of the car and you really dont know. You hear a week later it was an Audi TT (no offense Audi drivers).
A year down the line you tell the story of the crash and say it was a TT, you probably think you always knew. Does that make sense?
Dont hold a grudge your friend always sounds great in your posts that include her. My best friend has been known to be blunt and say / text stuff that I could take offence to. But she means nothing and would do anything for me and would defend me in any way.
Your friend was being very caring and supportive in allowing you to come out in your own time and in your own way and her response, real or otherwise, allowed you to say all the things you wanted to say.
It would have been awfully dismissive to simply say “Yes. I already knew.”
Thanks all, your all right I would say she definitely was letting me say it all, and listening without stealing my moment by saying she already knew. I realise now I wrote this post when it was still a shock she had known for so long and I didn’t give her the love she deserves for being my best of friends. She really is a lovely person who I’m really lucky to have as a friend and a confidant!! XxX
Just wanted to say here, there’s no reason for a straight person to be upset if someone thinks, or asks if, they are lgbt. Being gay is not a negative thing that could be offensive and should be treated shamefully. There are other reasons you shouldn’t try to out someone (for example some people are in the closet of their safety, or are still struggling with their sexuality), but not offending straight people is not one of them!
I think I know what you mean. People can get annoyed when assumptions are made about them, and it’s less about what was presumed, but more that those assumptions were so wide of the mark.
“I thought you loved cake?”
“When have you ever seen me eat cake? You do not know me as well as I thought you did. Begone fake friend!”
No worries, I think I know what you meant, whilst being asked if your gay shouldn’t be an insult or a problem and you should be able to comfortably ask that question there are some men out there who think they’re Alpha male and aren’t that opened minded and will take it as an insult. Unfortunately that’s the way of some people!!
For me if it was so obvious I was either gay or Bi then my FBF shouldn’t have worried in asking me but then she admitted to me she thought she was reading to much in to it but it all made sense when I came out to her and she’d actually been right all along.
She probs didn’t wanna say ‘I always knew’ as that can sometimes make people who are coming out feel unvalidated and that their coming out isn’t important.
No offence taken! I just wanted to point out that there’s nothing wrong with being lgbt or someone asking if you are. If someone feels that way it’s probably worth having a think about why.
As an lgbt person myself, the fact that people can and do get offended if you suggest they might be lgbt is an unfortunate reality and it can contribute to a lot of anxieties lgbt people face. Imagine this common scenario: you are gay and meet someone you like but are unsure of they are lgbt, do you ask them? Will they be offended and go on a homophobic tirade if you do? I understand where you were coming from but wanted to get my pov out there. All’s good
She defo sounds like a great friend and very supportive towards you and I totally agree with everyone else’s reply, she probably wasn’t shocked you told her but was shocked over the moment of it and didn’t say anything as wanted you to have the moment to open up about it all without stealing your thunder kinda thing.
@Yes_man Sorry I’ve not commented on this, it struck a note with me, so I wanted to wait to see how things went for you… Someone who I thought was a friend in my last job, actually started digging into " me" she wouldn’t let it go so I told her I like men and women, she was cool with it, then went running to my boss who was a total homophobe. My boss wanted shut of me for it so made my life hell until it made me ill and I quit. Then the so called friend told me she thought it was against god to be anything other than straight.
I’m glad you worked it out, and you still have an amazing friend.
