We are a married couple about to start trying for a family. My husband is infertile, we have always known, I am fine and we are ready to go. We would like to try sperm donation and are keen that we meet the donor and perhaps even approach one or two people we know, but not identified anyone yet.
We have had a fairly open minded relationship so far although not an open one.
I feel OK about the idea of natural insemination once we have found the right donor, my husband is perhaps OK too but also a bit unsure how it will all work.
That's a really tricky one. Only you and your Hubby know if the relationship will be ok with a natural insemination or not. This risk is that you may have to try for a number of months multiple times. It is well worth doing a lot of research into the benefits/risks of natural vs artificial insemination. I wish you both all the luck in the world getting the family you desire.
I think it's definitely a talk to have with hubby on the route you both want to go down. Many options ie if he wants to be part of insertion technique or rather you do alone. Option if he would rather sex with the other person or just sample. I think each relationship is different and the route you go down has to be mutual etc A fantastic thing to do though and many of us here to support you
I feel by the answers above your partner isn’t 100% and personally I don’t think it’s the best choice and road to lead down. If you invite someone into the relationship, you both need to be completely committed and involved and if your partner is concerned about your bra, I would say he wouldn’t be too happy with another man touching you etc in intimate areas. Also the psychology behind having a baby is very much one of the biggest things. Seeing or knowing a donor can lead to masses of complications down the road as you have a face to the picture. If you go to a clinic and have the insemination done it doesn’t only help with chances of being successful but also gives you a care plan etc. The fantasy of being “bred” is a huge fetish for a lot of people and personally I don’t know if natural is always best in these sorts of situations. Your partner may feel more of a step dad than a dad which is fine but maybe the artificial route may benefit you both more. Not to be negative in this whole Post but I feel looking at all factors it can really focus on all of the areas and having a baby isn’t easy, once the baby is born it’s only right you both love, care and respect the baby and eachother in a healthy environment. I wish you both all the best as it is an incredible time Raising children, extremely difficult but amazing.
Well if you both agree then it’s an option, but I would investigate a few things such as the legal side of the donor. If for instance he wanted to see his child in 5-10 years time then it could be an issue for instance. I think regardless of how a baby is made you just need to both be in a very healthy and stable place, no one can give an answer as this is your feelings as a couple and only you two will know the right answer and route for you. I wish you both the absolute best in what you decide
Hi having been through ivf process multiple times and been unsuccessful isn’t easy, I have had these thoughts as well If my wife was to go down this road I would support her 110% with the right donor I also think you are better with a person you know and explain your position, Rather than putting your trust in someone you don’t know. Whatever you decide the I wish you the best of luck
You really need to ensure that your husband has 100% bought into this and all other routes to conception have been investigated. The idea of natural conception maybe acceptable to you but it does have emotional and relationship risks especially as has been said this could go on for months. The last thing you and your husband want is for you to start getting emotionally attached to the surrogate father to be as it could spell the end of your marriage. I know that you see it as a means to an end and I wish you both much success but my advice is to understand the difference between cold sex and lovemaking. To continuously do sex with your chosen surrogate could lead to heightened intimacy and emotional attachment.
The sexy sex side of NI is easy to imagine. It is of course very easy to think about horny the fantasy of 'a big hard cock pumping me full of fertile spunk' - the fantasy of being 'bred' mentioned above. We both loved talking about this.
But the practicalities are more confusing. My husband was not surprised but a bit quizzical to hear that I had assuemd that there would be flirting, snogging, bjs, sexy text messages, photos, and the rest of it. I would want to look forward to sex with my donor. I think he had more thought that those sorts of feelings would stay within our marriage and the donor would just fuck me a few times each month in a very matter of fact sort of way.
We didn't quite put that conversation to bed.
The easy things were talking about actually finding a donor. We both found it easy to talk about suitable people we know and found it easy to discuss whether they would be good donors as well as good shags.
So, where have we left things. All a little uncertain. We have made a lot of progress. I would still love it but I don't think he is quite there yet. Perhaps surprisingly we have been talking today whether a trial of a little bit of extra marital sex for me would test how we both feel before embarking on potentially months of donor sex.
I can see plusses and minuses to this. It is not as if we haven't had a few naughty conversations about this sort of thing before although we have never quite gone for it. I actually would quite like it but I don't actually feel I need it and would see it as a totally different experience to donor sex. He, I think, does love the 'hotwife' fantasy particularly as he suggested doing it on a business trip I have coming up. However once extra marital sex has happened and both know it has happened things change, I am sure. Donor sex doesn't seem the same.
Also, may I just add that whoever you pick, I am sure you will be fully trusting of them but do get them screened.
When you approach fertility clinics or donor clinics the offerings there are all full blood tested, STi tested and have a full background/medical history check. These are then used for IUI or IVF.
There are pros and cons to knowing the donor too and also doing it via IUI. As many have said you both need to be sure for your own relationship and for the potential baby, also to be sure on what the donor's relationship would be with that baby... If they re an acquaintance, would it be hard for them to be involved or maybe not be involved?
I recommend the HFEA website too, just in case you do want to look at some clinics and also to give an insight on the donor process and a charity called fertility network is great.
I sympathise with your situation as we have looked at every option with fertility treatment again ours is a male factor. From a personal POV going with a donor clinic is best.
Well if you both agree then it’s an option, but I would investigate a few things such as the legal side of the donor. If for instance he wanted to see his child in 5-10 years time then it could be an issue for instance. I think regardless of how a baby is made you just need to both be in a very healthy and stable place, no one can give an answer as this is your feelings as a couple and only you two will know the right answer and route for you. I wish you both the absolute best in what you decide
yes, this too. You may have to get lawyers involved to draft up contracts.
I admit, I'm no expert on this subject, but realise how special and important it is to get things right regarding this issue.
This is the case, not just for the couple and third party involved but for the potential baby to be brought into a happy, loving parental relationship and safe surroundings.
If you are worried about the sex with another man issue (and how your partner would feel about it deep down), I totally agree with Leanne with regards to going to a donor clinic.
The important thing to remember, is that you're doing this for a baby, something you've always dreamed of and yearned for in your relationship. If there is the slightest doubt that sex with another man is going to cause any insecurity in the relationship, don't do it as this can affect things further down the line and also you can't take it back.
I would definitely ensure you know how your partner feels deep down and respect their wishes, after all the basis for bringing a child into the world involves both parents being healthy, happy and without emotional issues. Communicate about everything until you are both sure, it's the only way. IUI does sound the better option.
What lovely words and such sound advice from Leanne, someone special who has gone through this herself and given someone hope and a chance to be fulfilled in their lives. x 🌷🌹 🦋
The important thing to remember, is that you're doing this for a baby, something you've always dreamed of and yearned for in your relationship. If there is the slightest doubt that sex with another man is going to cause any insecurity in the relationship, don't do it as this can affect things further down the line and also you can't take it back.
This is very important to remember. As much as it may be a fantasy to fulfil with having the natural insemination process, the bigger picture is so much larger!
And the chances of success, even through natural insemination can be low on the first go, so there are the next steps to consider. If it sadly doesn't work the first time, will there be more sex involved and how that make everyone feel?
I do hope you all get the outcome you want and I think there is a lot more for you and your partner to discuss before involving anyone else.
Another point to put across is if the child one day did find out they weren’t biologically your partners, would you know what steps to take?
With technology becoming much more easy to use and things becoming easier to get hold of such as DNA tests etc. Everybody does deserve the right to know where they came from. So I believe you would need to get some legal papers drafted with the donor and finding someone who’s willing to sleep with you vs someone who’s willing to take time to go through legal proceedings may be different.
The way you have explained the experience of texting and flirting with photos etc is more of an open relationship. This would gain feelings regardless of what the outcome would be and I’m sure This May cause a few issues within your relationship which is the last thing you want to do if your bringing a baby into the mix. A donor is literally a donation, nothing more is really required and that’s to save everyone’s mental state.
Fantasy and reality are two separate places and once you cross borders sometimes you can’t go back. If you do intend on trying to be an open relationship wether that be cuck type situations or swinging etc I would do this protected first to see how you both feel after. The last thing you need is your partner to feel upset, bitter or anything else.
Plus as Leanne said a full check up should be required. Medical notes and STD/STIs, just because your baby could be at risk or yourself. You will want to know the donors history such as any medical issues which may be a risk.
It turns out that there are loads of solicitors who specialise in this and I spent a couple of hours speaking to one .
Any pregnancy conceived through sex cannot be considered donation and the guy you had sex with is legally the father. So that puts a totally different perspective on things.
The solicitor was honest, she said lots of girls who want NI just have a fling and don't tell the other guy they are fertile. I guess lots of pregnancies result from flings, some accidentally, some on purpose.
I could never do that, I don't want to start all of this by lying.
So I am not sure where that leaves us. Clinic probably.
We did identify someone and had a bit of an exploratory chat but probably won't take it any further.
One thing which has come up. We both have got into the idea of me having a 'trial run' with someone and I might try that as a bit of a naughty adventure on a business conference next month... who knows!!!!!
I think the other thing you need to think of is, if this was the other way round, and you were looking for a surrogate Mum. Would you be happy for your husband to NI another women?
we had friends indulged in extra marital sex with a view to trying NI, she was up for trying extra marital sex and her partner was ok with it. However when he asked if he could try it also she was furious and said how dare he. I pointed out she wasn’t really being reasonable and she couldn’t understand it.
Wow, I am really annoyed that the solicitor would mention lying and having a fling. Planting that idea in someone's head doesn't sit right with me!
I do hope that this was just said in the 'moment' and they don't give this advice to everyone seeking legal advice on this.
So taking sex aside, couldn't you locate a known donor if they knowing factor is an aspect to this? Then the clinic can help with testing etc. Many people do IUI at home with known donor sperm.
Perhaps the fantasy of having sex with someone else and being impregnated needs to be split. If your partner is happy with this sharing idea, then do this but treat conception as something separate through the channels put in place for people needing fertility help.
Personally, I don't agree with the conception being used as part of a potential fantasy, but I understand that it seems like it would be an 'easier' option. Again that is my personal opinion after my own struggles and insights into this.
Agree with Leanne on this, the solicitor may have said this as a laugh or without thinking but having a fling and lying to someone is kind of creating a legal matter, solicitors are supposed to provide you with ways to do things through the correct channels. I definitely don’t think mixing the fantasy of being with others and having a child is a good idea. I understand in times of need things can become desperate and put smoke filters up but I would suggest talking to others about natural insemination and find donors through the correct procedures so you no longer have to worry about any legal or relationship issues. Breeding and wife sharing/cuck scenarios are hugely popular but are still fantasy and don’t usually end with a pregnancy. I really hope you make the best decision for yourself, your partner and the child and wish you the absolute best as a family is a treasured gift.