My partner (M) is new to kink and BDSM in general and after discussing needs we came to the conclusion that me domming would be most pleasurable for him so he can learn the ropes. I am usually a sub but have many fantasies about dominating, but lack confidence when it comes to bringing fantasies into fruition. What can I do to be prepared to play in this new role? Or to be more comfortable implementing a domineering role? I find the whole process terrifying, putting on the outfit, preparing toys and ambiance, and getting him excited and horny. I usually get very discouraged and want to just skip foreplay and go straight to the P-in-V action. Any tips for a new gentle femdom?
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Hi and welcome to the forum!
The first thing I would say is that if you are really that apprehensive about doing it and not enjoying it then donât do it. He wonât learn much so neither of you will be getting anything from it.
However, if it is just nerves and being a little unsure then there are lots of things that can help.
Firstly, keep it simple. Trying to do too many things at once will put a lot of pressure on you and he wonât appreciate it or pick anything up as everything will move too fast.
Secondly, you donât need to dress up. If it helps you get in character thatâs great but otherwise choose an outfit that gives you confidence. This could be normal clothing, lingerie or even no clothes at all. It can be something sexy but it really doesnât have to be. Being a bit practical be of benefit here. Adding shoes you canât walk in or clothes you canât move in wonât help you feel like you have control over what you are doing.
Thirdly, donât over stress about ambience or getting him excited beforehand. It helps if you have a little space in the bedroom and arenât going to knock things flying but otherwise just make your environment comfortable. Him knowing you have plans should be enough. The only thing I would say is have toys accessible if not out. You donât have to use everything but you donât want to be hunting for something mid play. You could even show him the toys and ask him to pick something out that he would like used.
Fourthly, you donât have to plan alone. Ask him if there are things he would like to try or anything that he really doesnât want to do. You could even set him a task of writing some short fantasies. You donât have to treat them like a script but they may give you some ideas.
In terms of what you can do:
Blindfolds are great. Him being unable to see will build anticipation for him (and increase his other senses) and will give you the breathing space if you arenât sure what to do next.
Use pauses to your advantage. Take your time, pace a little, make it seem like you are visually inspecting him. He doesnât have to know that you are deciding what to do next, let him believe itâs deliberate. Personally I do find having something like a riding crop in my hands helps for this. (But then Iâm the type of person who likes to have something in their hands to fiddle with normally).
Give him some simple commands. Tell him to take his clothes off and put them neatly in a particular place (you can always get him to re fold them if you want more time). Ask him to stand, sit, kneel or lay in a certain position (nothing too complicated but not slouched). Iâd suggest agreeing a safe word prior to doing this but this would be a good point to remind him that he has one and that he can use it. Ask him to tell you the safe word and promise heâll use it if he needs.
For toys and types of play, only do things you know how to do. (If you are using impact toys, have a practice on a pillow when he isnât around to make sure you can hit accurately). Pick 2 or 3 things to do. Start light, use your hands to touch his body (avoid the areas he likes being touched in the most). You could also blow gently. You can stay silent or whisper things like âmineâ or âoh thatâs a sensitive spotâ. Slowly add in the odd light slap, poke, squeeze or bite.
Without knowing what toys you have (or are able and willing to buy), i canât give too much advice on what to choose. If you go for 3 things, make 2 nicer and 1 meaner. Uses the meaner one in the middle. If you go for 2, then one nice one meaner and use the nice then the meaner then go back to the nice. Go with his responses. If he is really enjoying something then keep going (or keep stopping and starting and basically make him beg for more).
A fairly simple kink is body worship. You could get him to worship specific parts of you or the whole of you. Worship can mean massage, stroking, kissing, licking, whatever. Even something like have him kiss your hand or your feet to start with. He could give you oral sex or perform any sex act you enjoy that wonât get him off too. Tell him he is to give you an orgasm before youâll even consider touching him.
When it comes to penetrative sex, being on top is the obvious answer but you donât necessarily have to. Getting him to ask permission to cum is always good (id suggest saying yes the first few times you try this as most men arenât used to holding their orgasms).
Being a Femdom doesnât mean you have to be a bitch (although you totally can be). You can be kind, pleasure focused, pain focused, sarcastic, condescending, teasing, superior, bossy, whatever you like. You could even play around with a mix of things.
But most importantly, it should be fun for both of you. If you arenât enjoying it, change it up. Donât overly stress about making things perfect.
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What a fabulous write-up from @Calie. I only have a couple of things to add.
You canât go from nought to domme in 1 session. You need to build up to it. So I would suggest things like getting him kneeling on a bed in a ball, with his legs apart and his junk hanging down. You could do blindfold and earplugs if you wanted. Leave him there and occasionally do stuff, like masturbate him for a minute and put 2 fingers up his ass, to just swinging his cock like a toy. The waiting and anticipation will heighten the experience for him. Add in the occasional ass slap or even a paddle or crop.
If youâre the type of woman that an orgasm just gets you more excited and relaxes you, I would suggest having one just before you start, so you get relaxed and more up for it, and you get to put a fragrant pussy over his nose when he is lying down. Thatâll probably get him mega excited.
Remember, this is all about the game. If you want to go straight to P-I-V, then that isnât the right time. Make him wait, make him beg.
For example, my husband knows if I domme (which isnât very often, as Iâm more sub sexually), heâll likely end up being spanked/paddled and heâll end up being pegged. But that knowledge makes the wait even more fun.
Unleashing your inner domme is a journey, not a sprint. Have a couple of ideas, do them a bit, and see how it develops. Also, well beforehand, ask him what heâs expecting. You need to do stuff he isnât expecting too, but it is handy to know what sort of thing he expects or would like to get out of it.
All in all, enjoy and have fun.
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One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given as a Baby Dom was that anything can be an act of dominance if you make it one.
Which might sound weird but what it taught me was that you donât need to be a rubber-clad, whip wielding, mean Dominatrix to take charge. If you feel more comfortable with p-i-v then start there! Push him down on the the bed and ride him, tell him how you want to be f*cked, pounce when heâs not expecting it and donât stop if he âprotestsâ (but remember his safe word) praise him, or donât if thatâs your thing, tease him, anything really.
The point is, I think, to start where you feel most comfortable and go from there. Start small, go slow, communicate with your partner, and youâll have him chained to a cross begging around his gag to be whipped in no time.
But most importantly, if the idea terrifies you and you donât enjoy doing it, then you donât have to do it. Life is too short for bad sex, and unless youâre both in to it, it will be awful. Itâs okay to tell your partner that you arenât in to something.
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Weâve been slowly reversing our roles this year to establish a more female led relationship with her becoming more dominant and me becoming more submissive. Like you she was unsure of the new role but the best thing we did was to talk through exactly what we both wanted and expected from our new roles and what our boundaries were before we started.
We started off simply with mild bondage (restraints, blindfolds, nipple clamps) and gradually introduced new activities as and when we became comfortable with them.
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Agree with all the responses here. Donât need to be a ânasty bitchâ (unless you both want that!) a few things can be subtle. Something weâve been doing recently is in the build up to going upstairs weâll watch tv, sheâll be fully clothed and Iâll be naked save for a collar and leash. Normally the conversation is pretty normal but every now or then sheâll give my leash a tug or play with my cock for a few minutes.
As a Dom you can use it to your advantage and get him to do those things or focus on those areas you really get off on (assuming itâs not outside of his boundaries).
Good luck - my OH is relatively new to this, and we have bumps in the road but generally itâs very successful.
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This is all PHENOMENAL advice! Thank you all so much for your in depth responses, it has really helped me understand the dom role more than I have with any previous research! Definitely going to take things slow and give him some choices at first until we both find a rhythm with it. Really looking forward to implementing this advice! 
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Wow! Such a lot of great suggestions! I canât add anything to whatâs already been said. Enjoy and have fun!
This is really helpful for me to read too, Iâd like to introduce some of this to our relationship but donât really know where to start, I have some ideas now! 
Thanks for asking the question @switchhoney 
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I think it is less about submission for him and more about dominating for me, in our case. Like I said, he is very very new to kink and isnât comfortable taking charge, and I am the one craving the exchange of power. It is more about me gaining control of my pleasure and him just basking in that, which I think will be really good for us. I liked that you mentioned the different aspects that make up the s/d play, I look forward to discussing those with him during aftercare, to see what aspects of the experience I could enhance even further for him.
Similar to this, I would like to help my OH be the one in control during sex play from time to time. The difficulty is that this isnât his nature. He is more passive and introverted and I am the more dominant one in terms of being extroverted and having an assertive personality in life. He is willing to try being more in control sexually from time to time so I would like to be as helpful as I can be. What are some ways I can support him while still being submissive? We are not into humiliation or pain, this is about him being directive and taking charge.
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Not everyone is dominant so it might not be for him. However, finding out what is holding him back can be helpful. If it is not being sure what to do then the answer might be that you dictate to the play. You tell him exactly what you want and let him do it. Yes you are still the dominant one but it will take some of the pressure off him. After a few times, heâll start to feel more confident and you can reduce your instructions down from almost giving him a full script to saying which actions youâd like to telling him that you really enjoyed when he did x,y,z etc.
If what you are looking for is more action based than power exchange based then switching roles during sex can help. So for example you could use a flogger on him for a while then hand it over for him to use it on you. That way he can have some ideas of what to do and also take revenge (which can help bring a more dominant personality out)
If it is more of a issue with taking control then just add little things in at a time during your ânormalâ sex; ask permission to cum, ask him to tell you what he wants you to do (doesnât have to be a massive thing, just get him to verbalise that you need to give him oral now or you need to get into a particular position. Importantly though, tell not ask), encourage sex positions where he is more in control or at least can be (doggy, anything with him on top, having you against a wall or sat on something with him standing).
Going from not being dominant to being fully in control can be difficult if itâs not in your nature so donât rush it and focus on you both enjoying yourselves.
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Thank you. Heâs willing just not sure what to do (and, honestly, I get tired of it being up to me all the time) so this is very helpful. I figure it will be baby-steps.
A useful tip for newbies is, as long as you know theyâre not turnoffs/limits, is act out your fantasies on the sub. You know what you like best as a sub, chances are it works on them too. It helps dealing with the âoh man what do I do here?â holdup that a lot of newbies get stuck on. You yourself said youâre normally a sub so it should work well.
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In response to your question about how to get your partner to be more dominant, I think it would be helpful to think about exactly what you mean by this. You said youâre not interested in pain/humiliation and more about being directive and taking charge so try and think about some specifics youâd like/have enjoyed before. When communicating these to him, being specific can really help. The terms dom/sub get thrown around a lot and mean really different things to different people so being clear about what aspects of it you desire will help both of you moving forward with it.
I find the lead up to sex really useful in setting the scene so to speak. Iâm a switch and whilst sometimes it comes naturally which roles we take/mix it up during, at the beginning of a sexual relationship I find it helpful to set clear expectations. This can only come after youâve had open and honest conversations about boundaries etc. However for example, texting him earlier in the day something like âTonight I want you to blindfold me and do X, Y and Zâ makes it clear youâd like to take a more submissive role for that play. Obviously this requires trust which takes time to build up and you have to both be okay with saying no if its not what you want that day etc.
Iâm also wondering if in response to the above itâs actually more about you wanting him to initiate sex more? I may be reading it wrong, but if it is, then Iâd say this is a separate matter and isnât necessarily a dom/sub conversation.
Iâm sure youâve done this already, but just a little side note to remember to open the conversation up to his desires as well, understanding what he enjoys and would like sex to look like to make sure itâs balanced for both your pleasure 
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Hi. Thanks. He does intitiate and we do talk, but I guess more conversation is in order.
Ive so far been totally spoilt by my new âfriendâ. So many orgasms, he really gets off on seeing my pleasure. He is also a really natural Dom.
Last session we switched for a short while and I dominated him, riding him cowgirl. I told him that he was my fuck toy and if he touched me I would not just stop, but would get dressed and leave. He struggled but did comply and we both enjoyed it.
Tomorrow night I get him to myself for a few hours and he requested more.
Ive chosen a great strappy fishnet bra set (chocker neck and completely open crotch). But I am struggling with what I can do with him.
Ive taken some tips from above, anyone else got any ideas?
I want it to be playful and exciting
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I would suggest things to drive him wild. How about masturbating til you cum, and letting him see it and smell the result, but not touch or taste. Masturbate close to his face, but too far away to actually get involved. I find those kind of denial of partial involvement things to be very useful. Or perhaps take your panties off, stuff them in your pussy, masturbate onto them, then drape them over his nose. Again, involve him but deny him touch.
Another thing you could do is grab his cock and use his head to rub over your clit. I do this thing where I use his glans to cum, but he never gets any actual work on his cock, so its almost denial as he doesnât get hard from that.
Make sure everything you do if for your pleasure (but obviously, heâll get loads of pleasure out of it), and as I suspect youâll end up cowgirling again, heâll eventually get to cum too. I suggest whichever cowgirl you did last time, do the other this time. I was on reverse cowgirl and was discussing what my boobs were doing, but driving him wild as he couldnât see them, and he loves seeing them bounce around.
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Omg @KinkyMira you are the most incredible woman
He will love all of that⌠he took a sneaky smell of my thong on Saturday when he thought I wasnât looking
You have the best ideas 
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I could carry on. So, after youâve cum and your fingers smell of it, let him smell, then suck your fingers and tell him how good it tastes. Perhaps rub a little chocolate spread on your nipples and then suck it off, again, telling him what it tastes like or how it feels.
I took âpityâ on him, and asked if he wanted me to play with his bits and he nodded yes, so I grabbed his balls and played with them for a bit (quite firmly as I recall) - didnât touch his cock once. That was quite mean, and quite fun.
I forgot to say ban him from saying anything or making a sound. Then tease him with virtually everything you say. Iâve had so much success at getting him excited by what I do and say, all without him being allowed to take part. Obviously though, donât use up all the ideas at once. Youâll need more for the next sessions, as heâll bloody love it and want more.
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Mild restraint with edging and denial or ruined orgasms is a good dom scenario.
Restraint for him while you masturbate and all he can do is watch? That works for me.
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