No longer turned on by my OH

I havent been around in a while but was hoping for some advice. The title says it all really; I am no longer attracted to my partner and haven't been in some years. It makes me sad to admit this in writing.

When we have sex, I don't get aroused by him and it's making me miserable. I thought that if we spiced things up a bit, it would put some life back into things but he's not interested in spicing things up. He's happy with the same-old same-old but I need (actually, I crave) something different. When I asked him if there was anything he wanted us to do, he said no; end of conversation. When I took out my vibrator and suggested he use it on me, he didn't like it. In fact I think he was a bit appalled to realise that I even HAD a vibrator, much less used one. I don't think my fragile ego can take that sort of rejection so I've stopped trying.

He's attracted to me, but he wants his kind of sex on his terms. He's not interested in exploring or being adventurous. Meanwhile I'm going out of my mind because I'm so damn horny all the time but just not for him. And no, there has not been another man because I just won't do that but truth be told, its difficult for me.

Anyone else in this situation or been in it and found a way out which didn't mean ending the relationship?

Hi Yoko not quite the same, as I still desire my OH, but since having our child (3 yrs ago) her desire has dropped off a cliff. She's no longer interested in anything sexual.

My sex drive is as strong as ever, so although I cant offer any advice on a solution, I completely sympathise with you.

I hope you find a solution

I hear where you are coming from Yoko. Very very similar situation to me. I do desire my man..... sometimes.

But like you, have had several conversations and the sex issues never get resolved because he is happy with the way things are. Not wanting to try new things, not wanted to experiment and its driving me mad too.

It turns out he is rather stressed and worried about money. But if i am honest hes never had a high sex drive. Does your OH have any issues sexually? Has he always been like this? Does he have any fantasies that he would like to try out?

It turns out my husband is worried about some financial issues but he never told me and I didnt even know what he was thinking or what he was planning to do until we sat down to chat about it. Men do not talk about any problems... so you really have to encourage him to talk, if indeed there are any issues.

If you guy isnt stressed or worried about anything, suggest a marriage guidance counsellor.. I did with my husband and I was pretty relieved to know he is open to outside help which means he must still love me.

I am hoping things can change between my husband and me .. i dont think i could tolerate being frustrated for much longer.

If you want a chat Yoko, I have added you as a friend.


James0007 wrote:

Hi Yoko not quite the same, as I still desire my OH, but since having our child (3 yrs ago) her desire has dropped off a cliff. She's no longer interested in anything sexual.

My sex drive is as strong as ever, so although I cant offer any advice on a solution, I completely sympathise with you.

I hope you find a solution

James0007 sorry to hear that ur OH isnt in the mood for anything sexual may i ask if she cares for the child on her own everyday with ... and i dont mean to offend as i dont know ur set up etc at home....... little or no help from u or anyone else?

if yes please try this find a willing family member or friend to take ur child overnight or if ur both free during the day all day instead and u and ur OH have a nice relaxing day whether its having a non sexual bath/shower so u can wash and relax her ......or a nice gentle massage for her if she wants she can return the favour to u ..... if u manage to get someone to take ur child for a period of time chill out with ur OH and after a few of these times ... hopefully not too many .... her stresses etc from childcare will ebb away and u will have ur lover back but the most important thing is to help her relax so she gets her sex drive back on her own

i hope this helps


i hope you find a way to resolve any issues with your OH i had a similar situation with my now ex hubby but well i had out grown all that we had done to start with and he isnt great at talking etc and neither am i but i ended our marriage as i felt suffocated and couldnt take it any more ... very hard to tell him that as he just doesnt get it ..... we do still chat etc as we have a daughter so its not all bad

yes your relationship can recover from this depending on what it is and how your both affected by it all

I thunk you just need to say to he might be happy but you're not and right now you need to know hes willing to work on fixing things otherwise you will have to consider the only option is to walk away. Ifhe cares about you he should care that you are not happy.

Just to second Lilac... you've got to tell him what you need, straight out, and that you're considering calling it a day if it doesn't happen. That way, he's got a very clear choice about whether to work on things with you... or not. It may be a case of him not quite getting how to spice things up (though using a vibe ain't exactly super-kinky) or maybe being secretly shy about it.

That's not the same as calling someone crap in bed, just that you're not getting enough.

I think someone who cares would try, or confess they don't know how. Which would both at least be a starting point. But I think it's worth checking that they're not just oblivious, rather than being a deliberate ass.

I agree that communication (or the lack of it) is the core problem. If you had already had the right degree of frank discussion you would already know the answer to your own question.

I agree that some counselling would be a good idea, especially if the full and frank private discussions don't get anywhere. It's a pity you have got to the stage you have without resolving the problems as the will to make things succeed is a useful ingredient.

Lots of good advice from everyone already, all of it very sensible. As has already been said, I think communication is key here. You need to sit him down and make it clear to him how you feel and the path that things are likely to take if nothing changes. It may be that he genuinely doesn't realise how badly this is affecting you. Once you're sure he's clear on all that, it puts the ball in his court to decide whether he wants to try and work on things with you, or whether he's so resistant to change that he's not able to give you what you need. I hope things work out well for you :)

I was in a similar situation with my ex gf. After 3-year-long relationship I realized I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I didn't enjoy having sex with her like before, it became routine. It was so hard for me to tell her how I feel, but when I finally did, I found out she felt the same. We both agreed it is the best for us to break up and stay good friends.

Thanks everyone who has replied and offered advice. I'm sorry to hear so many of you seem to be in the same situation. How does something so simple get so difficult?

I think the advice re communication is valid, but to be honest, I'm not very confident about it. I've already tried asking (twice) whether there is anything he wants us to try and my question was pretty much ignored. I thought that might lead into a discussion but it didn't and I'm not sure how to get him talking without him feeling pressurised or defensive.

I should point out that he's not an ass; he's not selfish and he loves me. That much I know. I just think our sex drives / needs have gone in different directions over the years we've been together. Its not so much the frequency I miss as the adventurousness and willingness to try new things. We've been having the same sex for well over a decade.

Gotta find some way to have this conversation. Good luck to you James0007 and Dee_licious333 - I hope you find answers.