No sex but he watches porn daily

Sex Tips & Talk
1

This subject is so old now that I'm almost past caring. My boyfriend and I have had numourous chats about the fact that we basically only have sex once a year now and that initiated by me.

We have been together 6 years. Sex in the beginning was never more than once a month and gradually got less and less until the last time we had sex... in April 2014. I did find out he had an extensive porn collection which he showed me after I caught him joining dating sites to find women who would talk dirty with him over the net. His was before Xmas.

Daily life is a happy one, we are a very caring couple, many I love yous, cuddles and laughs. It really is just sex that causes a problem. I've said he may have a porn addiction which he kinda agreed with but nothing changed. He still uses porn and worry he still talks to women to get off.

I can't help but feel maybe I don't do enough anymore, make an effort I mean, because I know I won't get sex so why shave my legs or put makeup on for him. I know this can't help but I'm almost past the point of caring. I love him so maybe I have to accept his addiction to have a peaceful life. Before you bad mouth him though he's a great guy! Seriously the best boyfriend I've had, bar the lack of interest in sex. He's 32 and I'm only his second sexual girlfriend. Possible a lack of sexual partners has led to his overuse of porn and now finds sex up appealing as he can have so much variety on the internet and get himself off quickly.

2

I honestly can't help much, hopefully someone will be along to help but you may need to bump it in the morning. Does he mastubate to porn or just watch?

hipe you get some answers x

3

Mastubate as I often hear him. I go to bed about 1am and he will stay up until 4-5am. Also on his days off stays in bed until midday. I've tried joining him by staying up or going back to bed in the morning but he just plays on his phone and never EVER brings up the subject of sex.

4

Personally myself I wouldn't tolerate it, I mean ofc my OH watches porn, but I wouldn't be able to handle him watching porn and not having sex with me. Also I think you're quite good for being OK with him chatting to other girls online to help him get off. Myself - I find that cheating, and my OH's bags would be packed quicker than anything.

It does sound like he has a porn addiction, which I think you both need to talk about - You need to tell him how he is making you feel, and see if he can seek help, also I'd want to know why he feels the need to have random girls get him off when he has a woman at home more than willing to do so.

You've said you've talked several times now and nothing has changed, so hopefully if you tell him exactly how you're feeling something might just do that.

It could however end up being a case of what do you want from the relationship are you happy without sex (To me it doesn't seem like you are) or you move on. Those are the two choices I see. Others may think I'm harsh saying that. But that's my view point on it.

I really do hope things work out for you though.

5

I can't help much either but I will ask if he's watching a particular type of porn. Maybe he has a certain something that does it for him that he's too embarrassed to ask you to do? I only say this becasue my husband watched bondage related porn until he plucked up the courage to ask me to experiment in that area. Maybe ask him about that?

And I hope you don't think I'm being cheeky (but if you do you can slap me so long as you let me bend over first hee-hee), but maybe you could start to shave your legs and put on your war paint for you. I'd bet you're a gorgeous woman and there's no reason for you not to be a knock out purely for your own satisfaction.x

6

I think you've done everything you can and I'm impressed you're ok otherwise. I suppose you can try and force change or just accept the lack of sex and mastubate within an otherwise ok relationship, or leave and find someone who wants to please you and is attracted to you with hairy legs and no makeup.

7

If sex was infrequent even at the start of your relationship maybe he's got a very low libido and started watching porn to get himself aroused and now it's become a major habit that he can't break. He's obviously finds talking dirty a turn on and there's nothing wrong with that but it should be with you not other women online.
He's neglecting you sexually and clearly doesn't appreciate how upsetting this is for you despite numerous conversations. If he doesn't want to change things then you have to decide whether you want to live like this for ever. Personally I wouldn't tolerate my OH indulging in online shenanigans with other women while doing virually nothing with me, I think it would spell the end for our relationship.
I don't know what more you can do other than talk to him again , making it clear how serious this situation is and.I'm not suggesting that you start dishing out ultimatums but would he do something about it if he thought you'd leave?
Sorry if all this sounds a bit harsh but I wish you well with whatever happens x

8

Hes older than the average guy to only have had 2 sexual partners. Unless his previous sexual relationship was a very long one, he'd only had one partner by 26, and the rest of the time since he was 13/14ish he'd only masturbated. Sounds like maybe he's just so used to masturbation that he prefers it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, he may simply not enjoy actual sex, as the feeling i'm sure is different to masturbation. The talking to other women online part sounds painful, it would kill me if my OH did that, but is there a possibility that he just didn't want to degrade you in that way and objectify you? Obviously it doesn't make what he did okay, but he might see it as emotionally detached and he would have felt like he was abusing you to talk that way with the woman he loves and cuddles with. Has he ever discussed his sexual past with this previous partner with you? was this also infrequent, or had he suffered sexual abuse at her or someone elses hands maybe. It may be he's so used to maturbation that he had erection issues previously, or was made fun of because of his inexperience. embarrassment and nerves are hard to overcome, maybe he just feels safer with masturbation. The only other thing i can think of is could he be struggling with his sexuality?

9

VirginAngel wrote:

Hes older than the average guy to only have had 2 sexual partners. Unless his previous sexual relationship was a very long one, he'd only had one partner by 26, and the rest of the time since he was 13/14ish he'd only masturbated. Sounds like maybe he's just so used to masturbation that he prefers it. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, he may simply not enjoy actual sex, as the feeling i'm sure is different to masturbation. The talking to other women online part sounds painful, it would kill me if my OH did that, but is there a possibility that he just didn't want to degrade you in that way and objectify you? Obviously it doesn't make what he did okay, but he might see it as emotionally detached and he would have felt like he was abusing you to talk that way with the woman he loves and cuddles with. Has he ever discussed his sexual past with this previous partner with you? was this also infrequent, or had he suffered sexual abuse at her or someone elses hands maybe. It may be he's so used to maturbation that he had erection issues previously, or was made fun of because of his inexperience. embarrassment and nerves are hard to overcome, maybe he just feels safer with masturbation. The only other thing i can think of is could he be struggling with his sexuality?

Yes he was 19 when he lost his virginity and was with his ex for 5 years before meeting me. He told me they always argued about sex and he even went to the Docs because he had trouble getting it up. Thing is he never did with me, not in the beginning. When we fool around he always has a hard on but then we have sex and it either takes him ages to finish or he just doesn't. So you are probably right that maybe the feeling of sex isn't enjoyable for him. I did almost leave when I found out about the other women, he was on his knees crying and begging me not to, saying it didn't mean anything. He's not gay, that much I know for sure. I've seen his porn and can be turned on by me. He hates bodily fluids and is bit of a hygiene freak so would never even think of doing anal. Probably another reason why he dislikes sex.
10

I don't think you'll be able to change the situation, OH has given a mans point of view and it's not the best. It's up to you whether you stay or move on. Do you have children together?

11

Have you tried warching porn together, as a way of initiating sex, as for going on line to chat to other women to get off sorry but thats well out of order and the start of alot worse

12

paddy wrote:

Have you tried warching porn together,

try sitting down with him and watch it together and play with eachother

13

When I read your posts here Wendy, the first thought that jumped into my mind was this sounds like Sigmund Freuds "Madonna/Whore Complex" lol. Wiki can explain this one better than I can:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex

I mean, clearly he does have a sexual appetite (he is masturbating) but just doesn't have it with you, even though it seems he does love you. Maybe do some more research on this one. It is probably/most likely a psychological issue and until he wants help to work through it, I'm afraid theres little more you can do, especially if the talking isn't working.

14

There was a film on sky last week we saw called "Don Jon" it's actually interesting. It's about a bloke obsessed with porn.

15

This would just be the most irratating thing on earth for me, especially if hes gonig on the internet to talk dirty with other women.

Firstly what came to mind is do you sext or send dirty emails to each other? It may sound silly but i find it fun and a bit of a turn on when i started and i'll still send him texts/pictures and the occasional Skype when he's in work or working from home in his office.

I also cant help but feel what he's doing is essentially cheating talking to these women but with your permission, I mean do you know what is said in these conversations? It's not healthy, how long before it turns into something else for either of you? You said yourself you've stopped shaving and bothering with make up for him.

You have to be happy sexually in your relationship too, I think I would be as harsh to say that if it was me and my partner was wanking to porn and talking to other women when i was more than happy to try for him, I'd be giving him an ultimatum especially when it comes to these dating sites and ther women.

16

Here's my thoughts, not an expert or a sex therapist or anything, just a guy calling it as I see it.

First of all, it sounds like you're happy with all the other aspects of the relationship and that you are happy together aside from the sex. This is good because it means if you can solve this problem, and I believe it most probably is solvable, you'll have an even more fantastic, lasting relationship.

Now, you really need to sit down and have a really long, thorough, mature discussion about the issue and about how things need to change, or at the very least efforts need to be made to change. The speaking to other women for sexual gratification is obviously a serious boundary that would be a deal-breaker for a lot of people. You said it almost was and he obviously felt bad about it and knew how much he'd hurt you. Has it happened since? Have you made it clear that whilst the daily porn and no sex is bearable, the talking to actual other women is too far and will ruin the relationship?

Okay, based on your description of your OH's behaviour and past, it sounds to me like he's a) almost definitely addicted to porn and b) as a result has conditioned himself to only be able to get off via porn, rather than actual physical sex. The arguments with his previous partner has obvioulsly aggravated this condition further, and, combined with his fear of bodily fluids has all contributed to his lack of interest in sex with you.

So, what to do? Well, my advice would be, first don't give up! Like I said if all the other aspects of the relationship are great then it's worth at least another shot and would be a real shame (and another blow to your OH's condition) to end it all. Start shaving your legs again, put on your make-up, put on some lingerie - make yourself feel good and feel sexy. It'll be hard for him to see you as sexy if you've given up feeling sexy yourself.

Now, treat this addiction like any other, rather than trying to change his sexual behaviour/appetite overnight and him going cold turkey, try instead to wean him off his reliance on porn and back onto the two of you being together. Try watching porn together so he starts to associate getting aroused with being with you, rather than being alone. Get aroused together and maybe masturbate with him. From here you can step things up, for instance suggest that you masturbate him instead and tell him to relax and just watch the porn. He obviously enjoys dirty talk, so maybe ask him what he likes to hear and then you can try doing that whilst giving him a handjob.

Maybe roleplay could be an option? You take the role of the other woman on the phone, tell him over the phone what to do and that you're coming over and you want a seeing to, etc. I know other couples try out role playing different people like strangers to add spice and help keep things fresh. It can add naughtiness without the hurt of actually involving other people.

Basically, start out by involving yourself in his routine and gradually alter that routine to involve activities as a couple, increasing your role in his sexual gratification whilst decreasing the role of porn. I know it sounds like a lot of work and yes, it will take time but this problem sounds psychological as well as physical. Failing all that you might need to see a sex therapist or something, but if you play that card straight off the bat it might just make him feel bad/worse about it, which may hinder any chance of change.

Anyway, have a talk about it all and see what his thoughts/feelings are about trying to improve the situation. Good luck and all the best - hope it works out.

17

Its honestly no wonder hes not interested in sex if hes masturbating over porn that often. Its not to do with you doing anything wrong.

To me it sounds like he has some psychological problems, either a porn addiction or some other issues surrounding sex. Neither of those are to be taken lightly and just telling him to stop doing it isnt going to solve the problem.

You really have to talk to him openly about why he does what he does and how he feels, just try not to judge him or blame him. Depending on him it might be very very diffacult to get him to open up about things.

One thing you could do is see a therapist that deals with sexual issues by yourself and without him knowing and get some advice on how to deal with things. They would be able to give their opinion on what the best way to deal with the problem is.

Just try not to blame yourself or him until you know more as it wont help anything.

18

just a thought why not suggest making your own porn videos

act out what he likes and watch together

maybe he will find out he dosnt need the porn

when he has you

19

Have you noticed any trends in the porn that he watches? He might need something kinky to get off that he doesn't think you'd be into - or that he wouldn't want to do to you. (My first thought is that he might be gay, but I'd think you would have noticed if it was guy-guy porn.)

Regardless of what's going on, you need to make it clear that wasting his energy on porn and having none for you is NOT acceptable. He needs to work with you if he wants to stay in this relationship.

Cock control/chastity, whether locked in a device or not, is good in this situation, if he's willing. Basically, he only gets to cum when you say he can. That can be while making love with you, or you can let his masturbate, but much less often, if you're not in the mood or want to watch. Regardless, he needs to be giving you attention, not his phone or computer.

20

This sounds like a very serious issue.Maybe you should try seeing a therapist or couples' councelor about it.I feel that if it goes on like this,maybe you'll separate,because your sexual desires are unfurfilled.And he's indulging in unhealthy behavior,too.It's not good for you as a couple and it's not good for you as separate human beings.