I've been with my OH for over a year & a half, I'm 20, he's 22. Since we started university (We attend the same uni) our relationship has changed and he's NEVER in the mood for sex.
I've asked him if its me, I try to spice things up with lingerie etc and he just says he isnt in the mood much anymore. I dont mean to sound stereotypical but arent all 22 year old guys in the mood?!
I'm not sure what to do, he knows I take it personally because before Uni we used to do it 4/5 times a week & now im lucky if I get it once a week "/ He tells me not to take it personally & that hes tired in the evening, but I only ever see him in the evening...
Have you asked him how his course is going, it could be stress... Uni takes its toll on people. Maybe ask if there is anything you can do to help him day to day? If he is less tired and stressed, may well help. xx
Hi welcome to the forums Kate. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going as well as you'd like in the bedroom department with the OH. As HGL said I'd speak to the OH not about sex but about how things are going in general, Uni can take it's toll and sometimes you are just tired and not in the mood.
Just because he's 22 doesn't mean he's a horn dog lol. I know quite a few guys in their 20's who have really low sex drives, and I was initally shocked at this. Maybe just having open communication for whats going on with him might make him a bit more relaxed.
I don't know if it would help your situation or if you're comfortable with it. One of my exes used to never be in the mood, he was too busy working and stressed ect and it is a confidence knock. So I started wearing some sexy clothes ect. And then would say it's OK I know you're not in the mood, but I am and I'd pull out my toys he wasn't in the mood but would always get in the mood. It's hard to do, I wouldn't do it for a while. I do it with my current OH now too, he doesn't have as high a sex drive but I have no problem sorting myself he'll mostly join in. But that's different circumstances as we're not always in the same country lol.
I was like this in my mid twenties, and I was both stressed and depressed. Whilst my life isn't without either of those components now, I'm generally happy and want sex a lot.
If I recall, this time of year is dissertation deadline time isn't it?
Communication is key really, try and understand if he is stressed or depressed and see if you can help. If you give him love, affection and attention, then you will bind your relationship together. Don't expect him to open up everytime - men aren't like that, it generally has to be when he's ready, and you have to give him the illusion that it's his idea.
I'm sure it'll come back, and if you love him and he you, then you'll get round it.
He seems so happy with his course, even more so than last semester as it's his specialised topic, everytime I ask him whats wrong he says its nothing and goes in a mood because I asked "/
I'm not sure what to do, as its been like this pretty much since September,. as soon as we moved here. I've asked if theres anyone else etc and obviously, he denies it. He spends the weekends watching football or rugby (whichevers on) despite this being the only time I can see him. I don't say anything to him because I know how he'll react (over exxagerate & say he wont watch it, then go in a mood) so I've learnt to live with it but I'm not sure what to do.
It may well be the move then? Just try not to push the issue of sex and concentrate on other things. And as he is a sports fan, dress nice for the end of each game.. you never know, a sports win may just put him in the mood lol ;-)
It could be the move, and it could be stress. But until he talks about it you're not going to know. Why don't you try and schedule a date night? And talk to him about it, don't ask him what's wrong but tell him what's wrong with you, tell him how this is making you feel, not just the sex but that when he has time to spend with you he'd rather watch a game, and that you don't want to have to tell him to spend time with you because you'd rather him want to spend time with you.
You have two choices as far as I see it, and I don't want to come accross as being rude, so I am sorry if that what it appears to be. You can either talk to him, find out what's going on let him know how this is affecting you and what you can both do to make it better for both of you. Relationships take work, and from what you've said it doesn't sound to me like he is working at it. Or you can not talk to him because of how he may react, it'll get worse and you'll get more unhappy.
My OH loves sports and every now and then i surprise him with some extra fun while it is on. A pair of stockings and one of his rugby shirts often does the trick during half time...
I stopped over at his last night.. he 'concidentally' had a headache all of last night & all this morning. Something tells me half time isnt gonna cut it if im honest.
You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Clearly this is making you feel upset and confused and not happy. I have been in your situation so I know what it feels like. It is time to basically get your feelings across to him.
There might be a lot of reasons he is not in the mood and you cannot force anyone to do anything, nor would you want to, but at the moment, the situation as it is is making you unhappy. It is all well and good him telling you not to take it personally and not to worry....but you are hurting and he needs to know this and needs to tell you what's going on for him. If he tells you he is just tired all the time you could say "I do understand that, but we need to find time for each other, otherwise I will just feel unhappy all the time" If he is not willing to find time or energy to spend on you, then ...well...it isnt good.
Of course, there are times in a relationship where blips happen due to high stress and a huge workload and it sounds like he is going through that at uni right now. If this is the case, I guess you have to weigh up whether you can go without intimacy for the foreseeable future and see if it improves after the stress has gone. It may be that he just has a lower sex drive and this is how it will always be, but he still needs to find some compromise with you, you cannot go through life feeling unhappy. It wont work.
Yup, you need to have an honest conversation with him about how you feel. His response will give you a better idea of his feelings and opinions.
Thank you everyone for your help. He says its because of the tablets hes on, makes him lose his libido, so heres my question;
If he's going to be on tablets for life, how do I cope with this? Obviously we're both going to have to get used to it but if thats the cause I'm more understanding of it. However, he feels 'replaced' by me using toys (despite me telling me a million times over not to, its just for times like this when he isnt in the mood) how am i going to get my kick without hurting his feelings?
I am in the same position difference is we are a lot older so while I have toys I can cope better, it's a difficult one at your age, Yes you understand about the tablets, but he's wrong to moan about your toys, he knows you love him but you have needs too. My ex was also a sex pest so I don't mind not having it. I do miss it with hubby but we've talked and I'd rather have hubby than a life without him cuddles are very precious and we love each other very much. I really hope you get through this, at our age sex isn't the be and end al, but you are very young to have a semi cellibut life, hugs.
Thank you everyone for your help. He says its because of the tablets hes on, makes him lose his libido, so heres my question;
If he's going to be on tablets for life, how do I cope with this? Obviously we're both going to have to get used to it but if thats the cause I'm more understanding of it. However, he feels 'replaced' by me using toys (despite me telling me a million times over not to, its just for times like this when he isnt in the mood) how am i going to get my kick without hurting his feelings?
Ps) we're living together.. "/
You need to tell him that you are both in a very similar situation and it is about compromise. tell him that you understand he has a lower libido but he needs to understand that you have a higher one. Tell him it is illogical to think you are replacing him...you are simply masturbating to satisfy your sexual urges during the times he is not in the mood and what is wrong with doing that? You just have to try to get across to him that you have different drives and you choose to masturbate because your drive is higher than his....Say to him "Every time you want to have sex, I am willing, so how can I be replacing you, when in reality I am available to have sex with you any time you want it, the difference is that you don't want it as often as me, so I simply satisfy my own urges during that time" This is not replacing, this is just taking care of yourself.
I would ensure that you stand up for the right to please yourself. Otherwise you will end up super frustrated and resentful because you will start to think "Well he never wants sex with me but now he has also taken away my own right to please myself" You will not survive that for long before getting angry or resentful.
It is possible if he's been like this since you moved that is one of the causes for it.
I've lived with my partner for 3 years and we have two wonderful children together HOWEVER I have no friends here IMO, all my friends are OUR mutual friends that I know only through him - and this gets me in a slump sometimes where I just wanna sit back and ignore him. I'm no saying this is how your boyfriend feels, but consider if you've recently moved he might be feeling homesick or lonely! We take our lived ones for granted that they will keep the bed warm for us, but you can't spend your whole life working,eating an sleeping with the same person and not get out and talk to others x
On the same note he may not want to tell you he wants to go out incase it hurts you more.
My partner never bothers going out if I don't wanna go cause he thinks it'll upset me to leave me alone even though he WANTS to get out and see his friends lol
Dont mean to bump this thread.. just wanna say thanks to everyone who has helped :)
He told me earlier that I need to 'stop wanting it so much'.. so we know thats not gonna happen dont we.. I didn't realise more than once a fortnight was too much :@
Wait til your married Kate, once a fortnight may seem like christmas ;o)
In all honesty, if you are really that unhappy with the way the relationship is going, and you have tried everything you possibly can to resolve your issues, maybe it is time to consider parting ways. You are both young and maybe require some time apart, which inturn will answer many questions of whether you two are meant to be.
