Opening the lines of communication

Morning all.

I’m looking at some advice, me and hubby have been together 20 years, 15 of those were pretty much sexless due to my sexual trauma, I disclosed it finally 5 years ago.

Once I finally opened up about it, I’ve had therapy, still in counselling once a week now. We started to have sex for the first time, and learning what we enjoyed etc, which was fantastic, but naturally in life I am very addictive person, and I became addicted to the sex. We had sex all the time, I’d become anxious if we didn’t.

October 2020 I joined an adult website and I work as a web cam performer, which has had put our marriage into a massive strain, he became aggressive, and at times abusive. Then throw in a sudden death of my mother in law and things were bad. I did become withdrawn, nervous, anxious as his behaviour was erratic at times. I will be honest and say I’ve struggled to trust and move on from this.

With all that’s gone on, my husband doesn’t touch me sexually at all, and no matter how many times I say that I need to warm up for sex he just doesn’t get it, how do I make him listen? I feel like I’m nagging, he has no feelings in his fingers, and so he can’t use his fingers on me, as he can’t feel how hard he’s pushing, he’s not a fan of giving oral either. I also can’t use fingers, due to my sexual trauma.

What are my options here? Without upsetting him?
My poor bits can’t cope with much more dry penetration.

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Hmmmmm, as you know we have followed your story for a while, and all i can say is that you need to have a serious talk to him, or get counselling together.
I have a lot of damage to my hands and fingers from various work related accidents. Sensitivity in some of my fingertips is pretty minimal, but i can use them without fear of injury. If your husband can drive, use a remote, a touchscreen, write, dress himself etc i don’t see why he can’t use his fingers on you and not hurt you. I have very little feeling in my thumbtip, yet here i am typing this on my phone with that thumb.
As for dry penetration, why are you not using one of the many lubes available on Lovehoney? Ok, oral isn’t everyone’s favourite, but if you provide it to him, the least he could do is try and reciprocate.
I have said this before, but he seems very selfish, and not at all interested in YOUR pleasure, you really need to get him to change his attitude. We all have problems in our lives, but that is no excuse for treating our partners badly. So please, talk and try and get counselling. As you know we are here to support you. Hope you can sort things out. :slight_smile:
P.S. as you are still seeing a counsellor yourself, could you not ask them for advice?

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Thanks will x
He has no feelings in thumb and 3 fingers on one hand and 2 fingers in the other, think it’s nerve damage, and he has the toughest sand paper hands , it literally feeling like my vagina is being sanded off.

Plus, I can’t climax, it’s gonna take time to let my guard down, and he gets annoyed I can’t finish.
I can’t sort myself out in front of him as I don’t have the confidence anymore. I am trying, I really am, but I can’t help my mind not letting me climax.

He never starts sex, it was always me, but I was left feeling like I was begging all the time, so now I don’t.

I have a friend (male) who said I should stop begging all the time, and let him want me for a change. That’s not working as as long as he gets his Sunday morning fun, he’s not bothered.

Again it’s he’s horny, time for sex, no build up, nothing. I’ve told him I’m not ready (I’m dry) and he says there’s lube, but what I’m actually saying, is I’m not ready in the mood yet?? Does that make sense?

I’m just at my wits end, I’m nagging because I actually want to save us, and he can’t see it?

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Ah, i can see now, that he’s not getting you mentally turned on it’s not just about lube. Maybe he could moisturise his hands? Mine used to be very calloused from working in the steel industry, but i moisturised and used an emery board to smooth the callouses. Like i said, i have nerve damage too, but i can gauge how much pressure i’m using quite easily.
Like i said, you really need to persuade him to counselling. Good luck.

I think the pair of you have a lot of issues that are stopping you. It is easily possible that your sex drives just are not compatible. Not everyone once sex, daily, weekly or monthly. It does not appear that you can discuss things with each other, if you can words are not translating into actions. He does appear to consider your needs and you indicate you are not confident but you can web cam? I think you both need to seek professional help.

Ummm,
Yes we do have issues, but it’s something that’s gonna take time to fix. I wish it was an over night quick chat fix.

I can web cam yes, it’s probably the only place I can let loose, I don’t work if he’s home.

I have lost confidence with him, as we had a patch of aggressive and Abusive behaviour. He smashed 5 laptops, he belittled me, he really scared me, and I nearly ran, but I know we can get back to where we were happy. When I say I’ve lost confidence, I am nervous, and I’m having to try and trust all over again, I have suggested counselling and he doesn’t want to, hence why I’d thought I’d ask here.

I think the smashing of 5 laptops should be telling you something. I cannot see him or the situation changing. You say you want things to change to how they used to be. Everyone is older now but the other thing is the web caming may be that needs to stop.
I get the impression he likes the money coming in but not the caming? He cannot have it both ways. Very difficult and I don’t know the answer.

I’d defo agree with what others have said in considering couples counselling if that is an option. From what you’ve described it sounds like there isn’t going to be a right or wrong way to try open communication with him as if he gets moody easily by things or not listen then I fear having an honest talk to him won’t achieve much progress for you. The best thing you can try do is keep yourself in a neutral tone when talking about stuff to him so if he does try to argue then you’ll not be feeding into escalating it by keeping calm and level headed.

Along with the idea of couples counselling I sense it may prove to be very beneficial to him in being able to open up about recent events he’s gone through which of course in the long term will help make life happier for you again.

I’m sorry you’re going through this still. :pensive: In an ideal world, you really need to talk this through as a couple with a professional counsellor. I understand that he isn’t willing to do this, but does he recognise the need to change and can he not see that you need support? You have a lot to deal with and things will take time to change, without guidance you will probably find yourselves going round in circles however hard you try. I’ve tried to “sort out” sexual problems in our relationship on my own without my husband because I saw it as my problem because of bad past experiences but it takes two people to work on a relationship.

It seems that your relationship is very one sided - you are very determined to improve things and clearly care enough to put yourself through the stress of thinking about this, trying things out and not making much progress - whereas he seems to take what he wants without thinking about your needs and isn’t willing to try. Sorry that sounds a bit harsh but I do think that you are trying so hard and he isn’t there for you; you deserve his support and care, and it doesn’t seem like you are getting that.

I understand that he has no feeling in his fingers but like @WillC said, there are ways around this, it just takes practice for him to learn what pressure to use. If he has rough hands, you could try asking him to touch you through your clothes. If he can’t use his fingers then he needs to consider using toys with you but I think you said before that he doesn’t like using them?

He shouldn’t expect you to have sex without warming up first. Lube is not a replacement for arousal. Lube dries out relatively quickly if you are not aroused at all, plus there are other changes that happen when you are aroused such as a lengthening of the vagina as the cervix moves upwards to make sex easier and more pleasurable.

The only thing I can think of is to stop having sex with him. It sounds like he won’t be willing to fix something if he is getting what he wants already. Stop giving him what he wants, get as much alone time as you can to take care of your own needs and then wait and see how he reacts and whether he is willing to work at things. He needs to learn what you need and be willing to try to improve things. He also needs to realise that there is more to sex and pleasure than just “finishing”. If he puts pressure on you then it’s not going to happen anyway. Take sex off the table for a bit and see if he will be willing to be intimate with you in other ways. Try cuddling, massage and touching (all over your body not just boobs as my husband usually wants to do! :roll_eyes: and then reciprocate).

I really hope that you find a way through this xx

Thank you both.

I’ve had a chat with a mutual friend today, and with hubby.

I think the biggest problem, we stopped talking, we stopped trying to fight for us. Today I realised that, and I can’t change what happened last year, he can’t either, I was stubborn, he was idiot, and the more I dug my heels in, because I thought I was right, made it worse.

We talked a lot, and he feels he can’t satisfy me, I feel scared he’ll be angry and we’ve just lost the way.

In regards to withholding sex, I can’t do that, I didn’t have sex for 15 years and every single day I feel guilty, so it’s just to triggering for me, I never say no, I can’t.

I’m hoping we can chat later when the kids have gone to bed, we’ve moved 5 weeks ago, but walls are thin, so sexy time in bed can’t really happen until we know kids are def asleep, so making the most of downstairs will be something we can do x

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First of all, WB @Justthetwoofus2007
Sorry you’re still having these issues, doesn’t sound like it’s been much fun and seems like you’re chasing your own tail somewhat.
I have to say, reading this and remembering past posts, it sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship and perhaps too many lines have been crossed for things to be resolved without additional help. There’s an awful lot there to unpack, for each of you individually and then as a couple too.
What’s happened over the last year or so has happened, and that experience will be affecting you both. That fear from his aggression and abusive behavior, that isn’t going anywhere any time soon.
He’s not doing anything to allow you to build that trust again.
It’s not possible to pretend it didn’t happen, it was very real and you both need to come to terms with that, and that takes a lot of work from both of you, not just one. And that fear that sits there now means that you’ll always struggle to challenge him - it’s his way or the high way. His reluctance for counselling is through his own fear and shame maybe.

In all fairness, is he actually attempting to? Doesn’t sound like he is listening to what you are telling him, just getting his end wet when he feels the need.

Giving him sex because of guilt isn’t going to take that guilt away, or deal with the underlying issues.

Those 6 words have made me feel quite sad. You can, you have every right to when you are not in the mood, and you most definitely should!

Ultimately what that last post tells me is he doesn’t need to listen, he doesn’t need to change, he doesn’t need to try and understand. Your feelings of guilt, and fear of him being angry, mean he can have his cake and eat it. And he is most likely aware of it.

Apologies for this not being most positive of replies. I really hope you find a way to progress and maybe get some intimacy and happiness back, but I think you might be banging your head against a reinforced brick wall :frowning:

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Everything you say, tells us nothing has changed, and he won’t consider getting help. The abuse you have suffered both mentally and physically seems to be continuing.
It makes me wonder if his resentment of you earning a decent living, no matter how you earn it, is making him feel like he’s losing control of you, and he fears your slowly growing independence?
Not a facetious question, but how does he have a pee without damaging his penis if he can’t use his fingers on you without causing such pain? Or does he not want to treat you with the gentleness you need and deserve?
Like i suggested before, you really should tell your counsellor about his behaviour, i can’t see how they can help you if you’re holding back such vital info. Plus, they may be able to point you both in the direction of the help you need.

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I wonder who’s decision it is to withhold the information to begin with, and also the reasons for that. Most likely those same emotions fear, shame, and they will slowly consume more and more.

Counsellors are can only work with whats bought to the table, and you’ll be selling yourself short by not bringing this stuff up.
@WillC is right, there is a lot more going on than meets the eye, in terms of control and other underlying emotions. Even with help and support, and both of you going in the same direction, it will be a rollercoaster ride and certainly not a quick fix.

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Thank you all x
Always a great help x

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You might find some useful information in some of the threads under the “resources” tab here

Be kind to yourself and remember that regardless of the length of time you have been together, you still deserve to be treated kindly x

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