Firstly I apologise if this ends up being a long message, I’ll try and keep it as short as I can.
I’m a guy and I have a gorgeous fiancée. Our sex life is pretty poor and we recently had a chat about it. I realised I have zero interest in sex and after some self reflection found I had an unhealthy relationship with porn. Rather than waiting until the end of the day and having sexy times with her, I was instead preferring to watch porn and masturbate in secret. I vowed to stop watching porn to try and help our relationship.
I haven’t watched any pornographic videos since the 9th of March. We’ve been up to sexy things multiple times since then and it’s been great. I haven’t sworn off of masturbating as I think it’s healthy and normal. She is away this week and I’m struggling to masturbate without some visual stimulus. I find it hard imagining things so I found myself on Facebook looking at people to help me better picture them in fantasies but that felt like a step back to the old me.
I’ve found some videos on YouTube called binaural beats. You listen with headphones and they play tones which are supposedly at frequencies to make you aroused and potentially orgasm with no physical touching. They sort of work on me, it feels nice and tingly and it’s sufficient stimulus to help me.
Do you think by listening to these I’m still consuming porn? There’s no voices or images it’s just sounds. I don’t know how I feel about it really. On one hand is any kind of external input essentially consuming porn? Or is this just an aid to relax and get the ball rolling so to speak?
Just wondered what your thoughts are. Thank you for reading and for your input
I’ve just read this to my husband as I was interested in his opinion. He says that in his opinion its not porn and just an aid. Some people need something to heat them up and if this helps then so be it.
My opinion is fairly the same but would consider speaking to your fiancee and she what she thinks. She may be worried that this step may then lead back to videos. Not that I’m saying you’re addicted but it’s like telling a reformed alcoholic to have a glass of champagne at a wedding… it will no doubt end in trouble! Would she not leave you some sexy pics of her or perhaps send them to you at an agreed time. That way she is almost controlling when and what you’re masturbating to. This way its not porn in the traditional sense.
I agree that (IMHO) it’s not equivalent to porn - it’s more like an audio sex toy. Whether it’s good or bad for you is down to one question: if you can take it or leave it, it’s healthy; if you’re dependent on it, baaad voodoo.
Thank you so much for replying. I completely understand what you mean about it potentially leading to other things.
I don’t want to sound too much like I’ve already made up my mind on this because I haven’t and do value hearing other opinions. If I wear my “this isn’t porn” hat I can justify it by saying that it isn’t a quick fix like porn videos. It’s almost meditative, lying down with no distractions at all and taking half hour or an hour to yourself and let your mind do it’s thing. It’s not a substitute for having an actual lady next to me so I don’t think it’ll be a regular thing at all.
I have some toys which I can use to help as well. That will help me but not result in any porn which is a good result.
Am I a bit worried that I’m just substituting porn with something else to get the same effect, but at the same time it’s very different and doesn’t give you that quick “feel good” feeling if that makes any sense
@Starscream86 I have to agree with your thinking in that you may be substituting one thing for another. Fundamentally, I wonder if you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Forget pictures and sound (unless they are of your fiancée) and just work on your imagination. You may well not actually finish, but relax, let your imagination run wild (with your fiancée front and centre ideally) and I think you’ll get there.
Hi @Starscream86, firstly well done on giving up the porn, not easy to do! And great that your relationship has improved so much
I’d agree with others that I wouldn’t consider this to be porn. But, saying that, I would question whether this is something that is going to help you long term. I know a little about porn addiction (not loads but I have sat in on a few courses due to a previous job and I struggle with porn related issues too). I’m not sure if you would consider yourself to have an addiction as such but the idea is to create new neural pathways to pleasure rather than using the ones you usually use which are related to porn. I would suggest that pictures of your fiance (if she’s willing to send you some) or some sexy texts from her might be better? Or as @KinkyMira said, relax and spend some time on your own. It might take a while but it is worthwhile learning what works for you without relying on an external stimulus. Ultimately you know your body and mind best. Have a chat to your fiance and then do what ever you feel most comfortable with x
I wouldn’t say using it is porn, but agree with the other points on substitution, which may lead to you needing that instead. Have you tried blocking senses during solo play? Eg eye mask and ear plugs? That way you can concentrate on sensation without worrying about having to see or hear something and let’s your imagination run wild!
I’m just thinking, while she is away - how would your fiancé feel about sending you a couple of sexy pics or dirty messages for you to still enjoy her even though she is not there.
If she is willing, it may give her a confidence boost knowing that you are having fun while thinking about her.
Firstly, I would say there’s nothing inherently wrong with porn, so whether something qualifies as porn or not is probably not the question to be asking. Also people can get off to all sorts of things that aren’t actually porn. What you need to ask yourself are questions more along the lines of, can you have a healthy relationship with this? Does it improve your sex life or is it causing you issues?
Also, it could be worth working porn into your sex life. Watching together or sharing sexy photos and messages could be a healthy way to incorporate porn into your relationship.
