Hi,
The seller appears to be the Lovehoney store (“ships by Amazon, sold by Lovehoney”). Of course I can’t return it.
Got it today, let it charge for a good 2 hours, the light stopped blinking. Held the power button down on the toy for a couple seconds, 4 seconds, 10 seconds, nothing happens. Pressed power on the remote (yes I took the paper thing out from the remote, the remote light comes on). Nothing happens, pressed all the buttons, nothing. Repeated this many times. Am I screwed? Is there any way to take this up with Lovehoney directly under warranty?
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Hi and welcome to the forum 
You could try contacting customer care, their details are on the LH website, you can email, call or live chat.
How much they will be able to help with your order I can’t say as it wasn’t ordered direct, but they should be able to give you advice on how to try and get the toy working as a minimum I’d have thought.
Good luck!
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Has it got a travel lock? It should be explained in the instructions.
A review on the product page says theirs arrived with the travel lock on, and to press the on button twice to unlock it. I’d recommend reading the instructions which should be either on the box or on a paper insert.
Customer service could help with how the toy works. If you’ve followed the user instructions and its still not working, then the seller Lovehoney store or at least Amazon should arrange a refund.
Good luck.
If you bought via Amazon then return it to them. They have a very good returns policy.
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I don’t understand why you say you cannot return it? If you have just purchased it and cannot use it you must have the right to return it. Check travel lock first though.
It may be due to LH listing on Amazon that the returns policy is Amazons (for personal hygiene) and not LH’s.
If after the suggestions above have not helped, I would contact LH with your Order number 
Welcome to the forum have you checked to see if it’s got the travel lock on it?