I am 31, and have never experienced an orgasm. I have been with my Boyfriendfor 2 years now, we have a great sex life, we are both so relaxed and comfortable with each other and I have tried (without trying or thinking about it) but still can't experience it.
I have tried the balms but they don't really help. I get turned on and stimulated to a point but not to the point was all want and desire.
Just thought I would ask for some advice please? As its not something I can ask my friends on, or not much advice on Google.
Do you masturbate? Self exploration is KEY, find what works for you, and what you enjoy and build on that. However, our orgasms are as much physical as they are mental and the more you stress that you "aren't doing it", the more likely it is it won't happen at all.
Are you taking any birth control? I find the pill I'm on is very hit and miss with orgasms lately x
I have to agree with sugarboobies - I discovered orgasms purely through solo play initially - I can always achieve it by clitoral stimulation.
Knowing how to get there yourself makes it easy to guide your other half to get you there too. I can guarantee having an orgasm when hubby gives me oral - I can also pretty much get there as quick or slow as I like depending on my mood by simply 'guiding' him with a slight movement of the hips, or gently holding his head in my hands etc etc.
Personally I don't have orgasms during penatrive sex alone, there needs to be clitoral stimulation too (or if you are into it - which I am - some bum fun).
Have fun together, or alone, and I am sure you will get there, but don't see it as a failure if you don't, that is a sure fire way of stopping it from happening. When it does happen it will be worth it!!!
Try Stimulating your clitoral region before penatrive sex to get you nice a wet. Then place a pillow under your bottom in the misionary position. This will lift you up so that the tip of his penis will rub against your g spot. He doesn't have to be lying flat ontop of you but slightly raised. He also doesn't have to penatrate fully as the g spot is only a couple of inches in. Build a steady rhythm and hopefully you willl achieve an orgasm or two.
I agree you should try pleasing yourself to see what does the trick. if you can orgasm with a clitoral vibrator, your boyfriend might consider wearing a vibrating cock ring, for example, during sex. or just use a nice vibrator during forplay, I recommend getting one in a shape (rather than shaped like a penis) and your boyfriend might like it used on him, too. you can use it on each other and make it a couples thing.
also, you might like to try kegel exercises or weights (or both) to strengthen your pelvic floor, this will help orgasms to be stronger, if you feel that you're nearly there, but then it tails off.
I have tried not to think about and I am enjoying the moment (on my own or with my partner) but just don't seem to go over that point.
I am not on any medications that can inhibit sex. It has never bothered me until I got with my partner as I admitted it to him (we were best friends for 9 years before we got together) and he is happy to just keep going until I do.
Unfortunately anorgasmia (the inability for a woman to orgasm) isn't as rare as you may think. I read a study recently that suggested as many as 1 in 5 women cannot achieve orgasm. It may simply be your body is not capable, rather than you're doing something incorrectly.
I don't often speak about this much personal stuff online, but here goes in the hopes it helps you... I had a traumatic first sexual experience at a very young age. This (together with the unfortunate sexual views of my parents which I'd prefer not to detail) caused me to have several blocks sexually, although mentally and emotionally I fought against them with all I had (having been a rebel and a liberal minded feminist). I was sexual, never uptight, had a fair few partners. As you describe, I enjoyed sex, but never orgasmed. My first ever real orgasm happened the night my now husband asked me to marry him. Obviously, some buried unconscious dogmas in me were broken by the mere fact he gave me ultimate proof of wanting/accepting me. I know how stupid this sounds, but have no other logical explanation. I have been orgasming ever since (in our tenth year of marriage now), 99% of the cases. I am 33 now. Penetrative sex gets me there quite easily. My point is, you might think you are care free on all aspects of sex, but you might have issues that uncontiously block you. I do believe for us humans, but especially women, sex happens mostly in our minds. Orgasms only happen when the mind allows it to. Of course, I might be completely off base here as I don't know your background. I do hope you'll find your sexual bliss though, it is such a relief.
Thank you being so open and honest and most of all sharing your personal life with me.
I am currently undergoing psychosexual therapy because of it, but to no avail as quite frankly i am not getting anything from my sessions.
I think truly there may be something holding me back as before I got with my fiance and best friend of 9 years, I have had some bad sexual experiences within my relationships. That's why I it took me this long to talk about it with a partner and took the steps of being referred because I have finally got to the point in my life where I am fully aware of my relationship and it's a great one, where I can be myself and be comfortable and he is so caring and amazing.
I am scared that I am giving up and just set the fact that I will never experience that level of intimacy and orgasm.
It is not always easy as you know but please don't give up.
I had a terrible 1st marriage where I suffered at the hands of the beast I married but life would not be more different for me now.
I met with a female counsellor who was trained to work with people post rape and abuse, giving me the space and some how the ability to talk about what happened, This was painful but also so freeing, through this I was able to explore many of the feelings I had buried but were still controlling how I felt about things, how I reacted to things and stopped me doing so much including having a decent relationship.
I was able to understand my own feelings and move on from the negative ones, building up the good ones and seeing myself as worthy.
Don’t be afraid to try something else if you feel the psychosexual counselling is not working or it has got you as far as you think it will. I went through 2 other counsellors who I felt did not get where I was coming from until then I met the one whom I really connected with and I felt was able to share everything with.
It takes them and there are all sorts of twists and turns in these journeys and at times it feels like you have hit a dead end or need to turn back a bit but there is an end and it does bring fantastic things x
It is not always easy as you know but please don't give up.
I had a terrible 1st marriage where I suffered at the hands of the beast I married but life would not be more different for me now.
I met with a female counsellor who was trained to work with people post rape and abuse, giving me the space and some how the ability to talk about what happened, This was painful but also so freeing, through this I was able to explore many of the feelings I had buried but were still controlling how I felt about things, how I reacted to things and stopped me doing so much including having a decent relationship.
I was able to understand my own feelings and move on from the negative ones, building up the good ones and seeing myself as worthy.
Don’t be afraid to try something else if you feel the psychosexual counselling is not working or it has got you as far as you think it will. I went through 2 other counsellors who I felt did not get where I was coming from until then I met the one whom I really connected with and I felt was able to share everything with.
It takes them and there are all sorts of twists and turns in these journeys and at times it feels like you have hit a dead end or need to turn back a bit but there is an end and it does bring fantastic things x
I have learnt the hard way that emotional trauma takes time to heal. I did undergo psychotherapy for my said sexual trauma, but although it has helped to some extent, it never "cured" me. Said trauma was related to me giving oral. 99% of my partners before my husband have never had their penises in my mouth. I was even reluctant to touch them. I was upfront with them all about that being a big no to me. With my husband also. Fast forward ten years and I love giving him oral. On occasion I can even swallow. And all of this came from me. Not once has he asked me to do anything related to oral. What I'm trying to say is: don't give up. It sounds like you are in a good place now in your relationship. So you might just need time for your mind to accept that you are safe and loved and cared for now and lower your barriers and finally let go. You might feel loved in your heart, but it has to sink in to the depths of your mind too. And you can't really put a timetable to that.
Hi, Im in the same boat too. Kind of gave up on it but recently saw an article on anorgasmia, so it spurred me onto giving this one more go! (minus the going to the doctor thing because I know where that will lead and I am not as brave as you ladies going down the therapy route). I had read that the magic wands are supposed to be successful- the mains powered beasts! I did get one but tbh the noise is just horrific so I havent given it much of a chance. I have a we vibe touch on its way as I am thinking this is the closest thing that ill be able to get to a wand that ticks what im looking for (being quiet , powerfull and rumbily- not that I really understand this rumbly thing, and waterproof as im hoping that will make me relax more). I have seen things about the beast wands being used for forced orgasms so I am guessing thats why it would be suitable for us "special" ladies.
After a few days of pretty much solid investigations I have decided the things worth concidering or experementing with are
- big powerful wands (unforunately I just cant bring myself to explore the best option but lelo big wand looks like one to save up for as its quieter but again loosing power so not sure it will be enough)
-we vibe tango becuase it looks like the best genenrally and is good if you need pressure (of course I have no idea if I do or not but im thinking only one way to find out?) would have gone for this but the touch is quieter and I have become obsessed with noise!
-Womanizer- the sucky blowy thing!! anothe good one for those with difficulties from the looks but mega expensive
-pleasure gel to increase chances of any of above working
- trying the best of internal and external simultaniously for a group attack
-Alcahol (not read anything to suggest this will help in any way at all but I have recently discovered at 34 that A- sex toys arent all the same its actually a minefield! B- I have no idea about my body and what it likes. C I now need to go on a DIY course so when the neighbours can come round I can justify all the noises they heard when the beast wand was turned on- for these reasons alcahol is most definately needed!!
I fully agree era, meeting my husband was the best thing to ever happen to me,...I never thought I would be as free as I am now or be able to enjoy sex for the amazing pleasure it is...it does take time and understanding but it does happen.
My counselling was not about my sex life as I never saw myself wanting or having a sex life again, but about how I felt about me which left me open to wanting a relationship and seeing I was worth being treated well, loved, value and wanted.
Meeting my husband is what helped me become fully me, a journey that will never end because together we are discovering more about what we both enjoy or maybe don’t enjoy. The important thing for me is I enjoy sex and I get a lot out of sex.
Even typing that makes me smile as I never thought I would want sex ever again. A long 13 years later I can say it and mean it.
I honestly thought orgasms were fake and never existed until I joined the forums last month. My hubby has tried in the past to stimulate me but I suppose I preferred actual sex as I didn't know any better (and he was just lazy!). I did a few big LH orders last month and bought my first basic bullet vibrator (I'm sure it was no more than £4 in the sale). The first time I used it, I must have had an orgasm within 3 mins. You'll know when you get one. It's something we want to incorporate more into foreplay now that I've practiced with it on my own a few times. It has completely changed my view on sex toys.
Thanks for all your responses and I agree with you all. I want this for me and also my fiancé as its the emotional and mental intimacy that adding to the physical of sex creates a safe and loving bond between us. I have a bullet but we don't use it much.
I am now comfortable because even though he was my friend for many years, when we first got together I told him everything to give him the insight of me and reasons why I may be a particular way regarding sex, emotions and having a wall up and also not being able to orgasm. He was and still says he doesn't care how long it takes because we have a great sex life and he will continue to help me enjoy making love and appreciate me in every sense to make it happen for me.
It's took me forever to Find my soul mate -who was under my nose all along. I think it's just we've been together 2 years now and I am feeling a little deflated that it still hasn't happened.
It honestly sounds like you are in a good place with him now. So just don't put any pressure on yourself, enjoy what you already have, and time might do the rest for you. Your mind just needs to lower those walls a bit, but sounds like you have the right man by your side now for the task! Forget about 'wanting' an orgasm, and just 'enjoy the ride'. I think the rest will follow sooner or later.
Just been trying to find the book called the elusive orgasm as my psychotherapist has suggested I read it. Trying to look for a free pdf to see if that can help me in anyway in conjunction with great intimacy with my partner