I am ashamed to say I was having sex for years and enjoying it thoroughly, but never orgasmed. After a kick in the ass from a friend, i admitted I'd never orgasmed and bought myself a vibrator and some mini vibes to discover if i could orgasm. I'd done the classic and just assumed there was something wrong with me, instead of talking about it or addressing it, i just erased it.(i think this is probabaly more common than people admit) For me, in the absense of a long term relationships- I wasnt in the frame of mind to truly relax with less commited individuals and give something so personal of onself, instead these experiences were focused on having fun and the pleasure of being with somone intimatley.(that may seem strange - but if you dont think you can orgasm, it can sort of fall off the radar in sexual encounters as faking is much easier)
I am delighted to say I have now been on this journey discovering my orgasms for the past year and am discovering a million new things about myself. However i have a couple of questions and i wonder if anyone out there can help. I orgasm so far through focusing my vibrator on my clitoris, i often get shaky legs, then waves of heat and pleasure, then muscles spasm and the most intense feeling thats somewhat lovely but unbearable! 1. Is this the orgasm? should i persevere through the intense feeling - what would happen?
2. What about other orgasms i.e internal - how should i go about these?
Thanks!
Hi redfox5.
I just want to tell you that you're not alone. Which is to say, thank goodness I'm not alone!
Our culture is so sex-saturated that I felt flawed for being unable to orgasm. Then I realised that I *was* having orgasms, just not the nirvana-inducing vocal frenzies that appear in porn (often faked but that depends on what you're watching), Hollywood cinema, and are raved about between the covers of glossy women's magazines.
Although I too enjoy sex, I have yet to orgasm from a lover's touch. Sometimes it is because of a lack of communication or because my lovers lack the desire to pleasure me for pleasure's sake. Mostly, though, it has to do with my comfort level and body issues. But my own hands and my vibrator's touch have done some wonderful things! Many, many of my friends first discovered orgasms when they used vibrators. It's good to explore this part of your sexuality independently of relationships and intercourse to figure out what you need, want, and enjoy without any loving pressure or the desires of another person superseding your own.
What you describe sounds like an orgasm although there are many types or sensation. When I first began to masturbate, I typically massaged my mons (it moved the clitoral hood over my glans gently) while deeply kneading my labia which gives a less intense but more diffuse eruption of feelings throughout my vulva and my entirely body. It's not a toe-curling good orgasm but one that's definitely a face-warming, shaky leg, spasming delight.
That 'lovely but unbearable' feeling is one with which I struggle constantly. I hate giving up control even for an orgasm. (I once asked a lover to stop performing oral sex because I couldn't handle my impending orgasm!) I recommend staying with that intense feeling and let it take you to new heights. Remember to keep your breathing as steady as possible: I've found that tensing and holding my breath against the sensations has made it more difficult to reach orgasm. I ended up crying after orgasming for the first time using a rabbit vibrator because it was so... sharp, bright and agonizing. I was mired in waves of sensation that rolled away with the spasms of my vaginal and pelvic muscles. I felt relaxed but overwhelmed and raw; I finally understood why an orgasm is sometimes called la petite mort (the little death).
I hope that any small part of this rather cathartic ramble has been useful or interesting. Good luck with your explorations!
Everso grateful for the above, it may be cathartic but also i have to say, fascinating.
It was interesting to hear you mention the rabbit vibrator which i own but almost never use as it seems alot more "serious" in terms of internal orgasms as opposed to clitoral ones.
But i'm willing to give it a go, i think it just needs a different driving technique. Its probabaly easy to become reasonably locked in to one type of orgasm and technique because its "safe" and i think this is what i have done.
You hit the nail on the head metioning the loss of control. I have found the last year a journey in trusting myself, to deal with myself.
I will definately be a bit more aware of breathing from now on as i do tend to clam up and fight it somewhat, i often find myself releasing my lower back muscls which in the excitement of it all seem to tense up.
Anyway - really really useful! thank you!
Keep with the feeling definitly. Although, I find keeping the toy on my clit at that point can really hurt, so often disguard the toy completly and just carry on massaging with my fingers until climax. What's been said about breathing is true too- any kind of tensing means the orgasm goes AWOL.
As for penetrative orgasms, I really hope you achieve them, because they are amazingly good. The rabbit works great, and is highly recommended (reviewed two different ones lol), but I find you can't beat your fingers. Just relax and play around. All the focusing on 'and now I move my fingers here' is too mechanical and distracting. Just go for it. If it feels nice, continue. I find laying on my stomach is easier too, whereas a lot of people tend to masterbate on their backs.
Remember- have fun!
Getting locked into one technique of bringing yourself to orgasm is frustrating. It was hard for me to break out of my original pattern and learn to enjoy direct clitoral stimulation! Lay on your stomach if you don't usually, as Crayola mentioned. Your weight puts pressure on a hand or toy and vulva, which can feel great, Don't just use your fingertips; try the heel of your hand to massage around the vulva and your thighs. Tense your pelvic muscles while caressing your other erogenous zones and fantasizing to get further aroused. Try closing your legs and thighs around your hand/toy when it's inside you. Anything goes.
It's so nice to hear other people raise questions and offer suggestions about something which I thought was a stumbling block exclusive to me! Thank *you*, redfox.