other half jealous of sex toys

Sex Tips & Talk
21

luvbug wrote:

I have asked him and its always been "I bought it for us" but after use he puts it in a very high cupboard where I cant reach because I'm so short. He caught me using it alone once and moves it higher to guarantee I could never reach unless I got a ladder

luvbug wrote:

he hit the roof and smashed it up with a hammer alone with the rabbit

Reading these two parts of the comments you have made made two things spring to mind:

Firstly - he didnt buy it for 'us' , he bought it for him to use on you when he feels like it. by moving it out of your reach, he is bullying you. It is different if you are in a consenting Dom/sub relationship where he has an element of control - but I doubt this to be the case here.

Secondly - smashing it with a hammer along with the rabbit - you have more than just a problem in the bedroom here. You have a man who cannot control his temper and uses violence and force to instill fear into you in an attempt to exert authority.

You may not like the bluntness of what I have posted here and I hope for your sake 'he' does not read these forums, but I think your relationship 'problems' extend far beyond the bedroom.

22

amandammmm wrote:

I'm going to be blunt here. If my partner took a hammer to my toys, I'd take a hammer to his manhood!!!

Brilliant. My oh totally agrees. And to be honest if she done that to mine i wouldn't be that happy either.

It's clear he feels intimidated in a way by them, but if he won't listen to reason then he's the fool, sorry but honesty is always best

23

If he wont listen to you and it is upsetting you as much as you are making out then you should really have a think about things here you are still young and it sounds like you both want totally differant things if you cant overcome something so trivial what are you going to do years down the line when there are kids involved not good :-/

I was in the same situation but only a month into a relashionship we both nipped it in the bud and that was that we set boundries and we keep upping the boundries to add more toys slowly into our sex life. As much as somepeople will say not a sex toy for you can make sex better for him also :-)

24

We do have kids

25

Hi Luvbug

As Just Jenson has said above I apologize for my bluntness

No relationship is without its problems, I'm the first to admit my own is not without any issues.

I do not know you or your partner, however, I do have to agree with Jenson again, your partners actions seem to suggest this is not just a bedroom problem.

Please be safe

26

Its ok I dont mind you being blunt but we dont have any other issues. This has sprung from know where. Hes never mentioned anything about being against sex toys in the past when we discussed buying some. I dont know whats going through his head despite talking it over.

27

Just Jenson wrote:

luvbug wrote:

I have asked him and its always been "I bought it for us" but after use he puts it in a very high cupboard where I cant reach because I'm so short. He caught me using it alone once and moves it higher to guarantee I could never reach unless I got a ladder

luvbug wrote:

he hit the roof and smashed it up with a hammer alone with the rabbit

Reading these two parts of the comments you have made made two things spring to mind:

Firstly - he didnt buy it for 'us' , he bought it for him to use on you when he feels like it. by moving it out of your reach, he is bullying you. It is different if you are in a consenting Dom/sub relationship where he has an element of control - but I doubt this to be the case here.

Secondly - smashing it with a hammer along with the rabbit - you have more than just a problem in the bedroom here. You have a man who cannot control his temper and uses violence and force to instill fear into you in an attempt to exert authority.

You may not like the bluntness of what I have posted here and I hope for your sake 'he' does not read these forums, but I think your relationship 'problems' extend far beyond the bedroom.

I think Jenson's right - I don't think he bought it for the two of you as a couple, I think he bought it to fulfil his own fantasy when he feels like it. This is really worrying and smashing things up with hammers is a gigantic red flag. I don't really know what to suggest beyond trying to talk to him, but this entire situation is pretty concerning.

28

I don't like the sound of this, what's he going to smash? next, tell him to get lost, your not putting up with crap sex because he's got a childish notion he's not good enough, either he ups his game grows up, or sex is out. If he can't see toys bring pleasure to you and don't replace him, is about He grew up. And I don't like the sound of him hiding your things either, not funny Sorry rant over hugs lots of them.

29

I'm afraid I can't really offer any advice other than whats already been given. If my OH started getting hammers out and smashing up things in a rage I'd be pretty scared. He does come across as controlling and insecure. Telling you that you can't use a sex toy for your own pleasure and hiding it is treating you with no respect at all.
I feel worried that things might escalate if he's allowed to get away with this now.
The fact that all his mates agree with this behaviour makes him believe that his actions are justifed when clearly they are all as immature as he is . Sorry I can't say anything more positive but he needs to think a bit more about your feelings.

30

My ex was violent and controlling he wouldnt let me get anything i wanted.
Heres an idea yoy could try...
Sugest buying sex toys and keeping them in a box where you both know where they are ask him what his insecurities are and to start of try using them on your own while he is in the house i.e tell him your going to use them on your own in the bedroom for example while he is playing games or use them when your sat next to him while he is playing computer games on yourself so he can trust you. Xxx

31

My ex was violent and controlling he wouldnt let me get anything i wanted.
Heres an idea yoy could try...
Sugest buying sex toys and keeping them in a box where you both know where they are ask him what his insecurities are and to start of try using them on your own while he is in the house i.e tell him your going to use them on your own in the bedroom for example while he is playing games or use them when your sat next to him while he is playing computer games on yourself so he can trust you if he doesnt already trust you. Xxx

32

From a male perspective he sounds unstable and abusive. If he can do that to the toys there is no certainty that he wouldn't do that with you. My instinct is that he has crossed a red line but only you know if this is worth saving......if it is communicate with him clearly and assertively, if it isn't get the hell out of this relationship.

I really wish you well and you should always remember you were not put on this earth to just make him happy.........you should think of yourself.

good luck.

33

I love watching a woman play and use toys while I watch, when asked to help a little is a great tease , tell him to open his mind .

34

If it came from nowhere and he's never been controlling or abusive in the past then it seems to me like he's just very insecure. Sure he majorly crossed a line with the hammer and the smashing, but maybe he just needs some reassurance.

35

My first red flag would have been being in a relationship where one person felt they were quite within their rights to "hide" my property until THEY could control how I used it....putting it up high where you cannot reach it?

Why on earth is he treating you like you are 5 years old? Seriously...putting things up high and hiding things away from children is what us parents do to ensure the children don't get hurt or whatever.

That would have been my first massive red flag. What right does he have to control your sex life? What right does he have to control when and how you orgasm? Do you know that, just like you, there are LOTS of women who cannot reach orgasm easily, if at all from manual stimulation and vibrators have saved their sex life and taught them how to experience orgasms...

What right does he have to take that away from you? That is YOUR body...you choose when you eat, sleep, shit and heck...masturbate!

What I am trying to say is that this is controlling behaviour. You say he has never acted controlling before the hammer smashing...well according to this, he has and has been for a while, controlling when and how you pleasure yourself and hiding your toys. This screams control and from what you said, has been going on a while.

He has no respect for your property, your rights as a sexual human being, your wants, your desires....

Sorry but all I want to ask is why on earth stay with this guy? I can pretty much guarantee that his "Am I not enough" attitude will be the exact attitude that guarantees that for however long you stay with him...HE will get his and you will be left frustrated.

Ask him why it matters how you get off, as long as you do get off.

I have NEVER understood why someone should be insecure about sex toys. I know it happens (from both sexes) and it seems to be a jealousy thing (What if that toy gives him or her better orgasms, or feels better than me) REALLY? an inanimate object? A lump of plastic? How low must your self esteem be, to think anyone would leave you for a sex toy. What is the fear here? is it "oh shit, now that person might not want sex with me any more" bit selfish isn't it. Basically he is saying to you the following:

"I don't care if you never orgasm again, just as long as I can continue to get mine (sex) and if and when you do orgasm, it will be through my touch, to boost my fragile ego...and that's it"

And to smash up your property? Like he has any right to do this? Like he owns you and your stuff? Oh dear....I just want to say "run" :S

PS: His friends are jackasses too and are talking out of their arses. Insecure little boys by the sounds of it hunni...you need to find a man who cares about how you get yours. Who cares about your pleasure...seeks it even! You are not his little toy, you are your own woman, with rights to masturbate how and when you please! IT IS YOUR BODY! You put into it whatever you want hunni.

If he doesn't listen to reason and refuses to change then either two things will happen 1) you can leave 2) you can stay and service him for the next however many years and not get pleasure yourself.

Heres hoping that he will change, but the fact he has his "boys" backing him up and was so ragey about it to want to smash them with a hammer....I don't think he will tbh.

36

Thanks for all your responses

37

luvbug wrote:

No I was not aware he was was like this. As I've said we've been together for nearly 8 years and he has never been controlling, violent ect ect its just this issue that arised from nowhere. I dont know why he doesnt like them I've asked and I get the same "you dont need toys, or am I not good enough" it was only on the last few years we've used sex toys because we've been together since we were 15 so were underage. It takes me soo long to orgasm with fingers or oral I prefer a vibrator to speed things up and they feel better than using fingers but in now way have I used them all the time or replaced him for a toy. Its a very confusing situation and I've thought of buying more abd hiding them but he will find them or hear the postman knock so that would be another waste of money. He wont replace them and his friends agree with his explanation to the situation. I'm not a jealous person he can watch porn, wank or buy himself sex toys all he wants and I dont mind. I dont even remember the last time he masturbated alone.
the toy wasnt expensive but it was something I really wanted to buy for a while I just refused to let hom put it away with the others so I cant reach or use them and shit hit the fan.

Hi luvbug, I am sorry to hear of your situation but I do understand it fully. First off the most important thing is you feel save and are not intimidated by this man. Having read the whole thread I do get it, I am going to assume that as you quote every thing else is fine in your relationship just this aspect is baffling. You care about this man and would like to sort this issue.

I will now right a further post to try and explain .![](upload://ez5kOkpKXRZOxjavAURYmQxVTau.gif)

38

If you are safe and he is not violent towards you and you want to sort this then I think I can help you understand what is going on.
All the lovely ladies on here are right in everything they say but we have tried and struggled before to discuss male insecurity's and masculinity.

You and they are right it is wrong for him to break up your/ our toys. He is totally insecure that he is being replaced by them and as you take a while to get aroused and orgasm, yet with them it really helps you get there. You are confirming his darkest thoughts.

I am sorry but I will and have taken a lot of flak for this. He thought originally that it would be a nice gift to share with you and now he regrets it because it gets you their quicker than he can. How childish and unwarranted but true.

I can post a lot more and help with how to tackle this but before I do , I need to know that my interpretation of your situation is correct.

39

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/941065-masculinity-male-sexuality-and-confidence/

Hi again Luvbug here is a link to a thread that I started to try and draw this issue out into the open. Please have read and see if some of this might strike a chord for you.

40

I think there are a few things here:

1) being jealous of sex toys. This I can sort of understand, I'm pretty open minded when I comes to such things but nonetheless I'd probably be upset for example if my OH came home with a dildo that was bigger than I was (not saying that's what's happening here, just that I can understand the mindset). That's probably something that you'd have to carefully and sensitively communicate with your partner about. Personally I think that the fact that he watches porn makes it pretty hypocritical to complain about something other than him getting you off - I can't really see the difference myself.

2) the way that he has actually acted regarding these feelings. Both things he's done - hiding the toy and then smashing it - are way out of line IMO. It comes across as controlling, jealous and possibly violent. As others have said, it almost sounds like your pleasure is in his mind just something for him to enjoy, rather than for you. Smashing up the toy would be a big red flag, and frankly I'd be concerned about any woman I cared about living with a man like that unless you were absolutely sure that it was just a moment of madness and a one-off. I'd be asking for a serious promise never to do something like that again, and only you know whether you trust him enough to keep that promise.