Hi All, I have my birthday coming up and I always ask for a “sexy” surprise… this usually involves new lingerie or new toy. Last year we tried a flogger and haven’t stopped using it since (mainly on me).
I am a cis male and my partner is a cis female. I love being submissive and we have plenty of sex when she is dominant and I’m submissive for example, me being on all fours being spanked/flogged/inserted with anal beads. I love the sensation/feeling of being on all fours and opening up the area around my ass whilst she is in control…
I have previously been pegged before (quite a few times but with someone else, we weren’t in a relationship but let’s say it was a friends with benefits situation) and I loved it every time. My old “friend” was extremely open minded and encouraged me/us to talk about our sexual desires etc and I therefore didn’t mind talking/opening up about it. For some reason it felt easier because we weren’t in a relationship and felt there would be less judgement.
My partner however is much more shy and doesn’t like talking about sex at all. Although we do often do the things outlined above it more just happens without discussion etc.
This year for my birthday I really want to try a strap on with her but I feel really awkward asking and in all honesty a bit embarrassed and I don’t know why but I have a feeling of guilt asking her because I’m not sure if she wants to do it. We spoke about this subject about 5 years ago and she responded “that wasn’t really something I ever thought I would do”
The reason I’m writing this is to ask advice if anyone else feels the same awkwardness around this subject and offers and advice to help through.
Sometimes, unfortunately, our kinks just don’t align with our partners, and you can’t make them part-take in your kink. I used to be humilaitrix myself, but I was never into pegging either - it just didn’t hold a Dominant appeal for me. Maybe there are some women who will and some women who won’t, and unfortunately, your partner is simply a woman who won’t. That unfortunately happens, as hard as it is to accept sometimes.
I myself have kinks that my husband doesn’t share - I love to be objectified. My husband can’t get into it and he can’t imagine treating me that way - he was always raised to respect women, and so he does. All BDSM scenes are based on consent, and if your partner isn’t open to it, you can’t force her.
You do have a few options: could you explore suction cup dildos or a sex machine? It won’t give you that sense of personal involvement but it will give you that feeling of being filled. Your partner could order you to prepare yourself for it instead.
Lastly you could consider finding a pro Domme to peg you, if your partner agrees. Not all will, but some will. Good luck
Myself and my oh have very recently only tried pegging it took a lot of conversation and i showed her some options the particular 1 i got has a bullet vibrator in the hollow point for her pleasure making it more about her and this made her much more accepting of the idea maybe this is something to think about and the dildo is pink hehe
You won’t know unless you ask and discuss what you would like and why you want to share this experience with your wife. After all it would be a sexy birthday gift to you that she could share.
My experience is that I love the role reversal and being in control, basically f**king my husband. Your wife might get the same thrill I do. Why not read out this reply to maybe spark her interest.
Did the pegging conversation happen before or after the anal beads? If it was before, then I’d suggest opening up that conversation again as it may be more of an interest now. If it was after then unfortunately thats it, consent not gained, so end of discussion.
The pegging conversation was before the anal beads and spanking/flogging etc. since we had “that” conversation our sex life has moved on especially the past 6-9 months. We often dont have sex now where she doesn’t give me a little spank to get me going (especially being put on all fours) as she knows how much I enjoy it. So I think she would be much more open to it. More recently she has started spanking me and inserting anal beads (which are firm - whilst on all fours) into me and going in/out fast and dirty talking, so I think she is getting into it a bit more…
Funnily enough, she did make a comment yesterday “so what have you got planned for your birthday treat?” With a very suggestive look on her phase… “I know you like to plan so look forward to hearing what you’ve got planned”. My past few birthdays I’ve planned exactly what happens during my “sexy gift” and she knows I love discussing it before hand and then playing it out.
Think there are good signs there so just need to pluck up the courage and have an honest and open conversation with her
I am slightly nervous about the conversation leading that way… I used to get really really embarrassed after being spanked and one time afterwards she asked “do you want someone else to do it to you” I only assume she meant a man….
Although we have never spoken about this and I’ve never suggested anything to her I have previously slept with a man. I would count myself as bisexual however I am comfortable in my sexuality and being with my wife in a heterosexual relationship is what I want (I think)… although I would be open to the idea of introducing a man for me…. Now we’re going off on a tangent…
Some advice here is great: buy strap on and show her, etc.
What I strongly recommend is communicating with her about it. You yourself mentioned that sex was amazing with a partner who communicated what they wanted to try. Sex is always amazing when we communicate what we want, what we want to try, etc…but having those conversations can be awkward and weird especially if you aren’t used to having those conversations.
For me and my wife we used to have a lot of those awkward conversations, and now we are so used to talking about sex that they aren’t awkward conversations anymore.
I recommend starting small, saying something like:
“hey can we have a conversation about sex?”
And then once they are okay with it
“I really want to try pegging, do you know what that is?” “Is there anything sexual that you are curious to try out?”
Sex is waaaaay better when you can communicate what you want and what you don’t want…but those conversations can be awkward at first
I wouldn’t suggest buying a harness unless she agrees its something she wants to try. The equipment should be her choice of harness, briefs or strapless. If you get one that isn’t comfortable for her, then it may put her off.
Maybe just bite the bullet and say to her as inevitable you’ll need to say something to get a reply and logically there’s never gonna be a right moment for it
As you said the communication is key. I find it difficult to approach the subject because I can never seem to find the right moment. I think I will start by saying “could we talk about sex etc… at some point this weekend” hopefully that way she will bring it up when she is ready too.
It’s great you and your wife talk about sex a lot. I just hope we can get to that stage
Having now looked into the equipment side of things I didn’t realise there’s such variation. As you mentioned (if she agrees to it) having her pick out the style she wants will definitely help matters.
Something we’ve found that works for us over the years is watch porn and say you choose a category and video and she does the same and you have to watch them both
Thanks again all. Although we didn’t end up having the conversation as she came down with a bad cold she did buy me a very special birthday present - a prostate massager with remote control to change vibration functions.
She did a couple of things she hasn’t done before (without me asking) such as putting me on all fours, kneeling behind me and entering the massager into me and slowly massaged my C*ck and spanked me till I cummed (and talked dirty to me) It was pure bliss!!
Although it wasn’t the strap on I was dreaming of this was a very enjoyable present. What she did to me last week however isn’t far away from a strap on so don’t think I have anything to fear when the time comes to have these conversations.
So to follow on from the above we ended up having the conversation about strap-on’s. Unfortunately it’s just not something she is into as it’s a little too far for her. She is happy to use other toys and spank me but this is not for her which I of course respect and understand as it is a level up.
We did discuss why I enjoy using a strap on so much. The control element certainly plays into it (or should I say lack of when receiving) but I also love the feeling of it going in and out. We might one day explore other hand held toys such as a dildo or firm anal beads to give this sensation but I certainly won’t push matters at the moment and respect what she is comfortable with.
