My bf has problems ejaculating during intercourse but not when masterbating.He says its a mental problem but i find it so frustrating.He says he doesn't see it as a problem just as long as he's satisfying me.He's 36 and i'm 28 and eventually want to try for a baby.I'd rather him see the gp now and get it sorted than wait to then find out we've left it to late due his age etc.We all know that the older a man gets the lower his sperm count will be.I really don't know what to do. :-(
Hi Babs, welcome to the forums!
Since he can manage it during masturbation but not during intercourse, it sounds like it may well be a mental thing.
You've put alot of information into that post, but rightly or wrongly, I'm getting the impression that you havent said everything you've written here to your partner. Have you had a proper talk with him about this? Does he share in your plans of having a baby one day? If not, I think you definitely should. If nothing else, it will allow you to be able to talk about this problem as something more serious than just pleasure.
It may be worth you seeing a doctor. If he doesnt want to see his GP, look up your local GUM clinic. I've been to mine twice and they've always been lovely people.
Maybe your partner feels under too much pressure to ejaculate during intercourse and therefore he struggles to do so? Has it happened with any previous partners? There are two roots: 1) you tell him that it's fine and try to make him relax about the whole issue or 2) send him to the GP. It is obviously a mental rather than physical problem since he can ejaculate on his own xxx
Hi
To be honest he's not one to open up when it comes to things like that (even with me).He said he does want kids some day but then changes the subject.Hmm,says it all really doesn't it? Everytime he says he'll make an appointment with the gp he makes an excuse to why he can't go.Embarrassment maybe? i don't know
Fi
He may feel pressured.I think another chat is needed.Thanks ladies x
It may be embarassment or it could be that he doesn't feel ready to have kids. If he goes to the gp and everything gets sorted, perhaps he feels that he may be pressured into starting a family sooner rather than later?
Hope the chat goes ok. Let us know how you get on :-) xxx
Perhaps an obvious point but, if you are using contraception I don't think his feelings regarding having kids or otherwise would really come into it which suggests some other psychological issue is at work.
budgetbabs wrote:
My bf has problems ejaculating during intercourse but not when masterbating.He says its a mental problem but i find it so frustrating.He says he doesn't see it as a problem just as long as he's satisfying me.He's 36 and i'm 28 and eventually want to try for a baby.I'd rather him see the gp now and get it sorted than wait to then find out we've left it to late due his age etc.We all know that the older a man gets the lower his sperm count will be.I really don't know what to do. :-(
Tell him to stop wanking too much. He has become desensitized to normal sex. It is definitely due to the mind and he has trained this well.
It is very likely that his penis is not a sensitive as it should be. Have you tried lube? This makes the penis head more sensitive?
premium90 wrote:
budgetbabs wrote:
My bf has problems ejaculating during intercourse but not when masterbating.He says its a mental problem but i find it so frustrating.He says he doesn't see it as a problem just as long as he's satisfying me.He's 36 and i'm 28 and eventually want to try for a baby.I'd rather him see the gp now and get it sorted than wait to then find out we've left it to late due his age etc.We all know that the older a man gets the lower his sperm count will be.I really don't know what to do. :-(
Tell him to stop wanking too much. He has become desensitized to normal sex. It is definitely due to the mind and he has trained this well.
It is very likely that his penis is not a sensitive as it should be. Have you tried lube? This makes the penis head more sensitive?
Hmmm premium, and which parliamentary constituency do you represent ha ha....
Premium is on the right lines, at age 36 he will have worked on himself for x number of years and established a regular rhythm which leads him to ejaculate. Different grip tightnesses, speeds, etc etc, difficult if not impossible to replicate when he is inside you. Several options here- videos, talking dirty, other sexual practices that he confesses to liking, probably wont come straight out and admit, so try asking him what items he would spend £100 on if he had the run of the Love Honey store, or even try something unexpected one day!!! Break the routine is the trick.
Good luck.... at least it's better than PE eh !!!
TB
Hi budgetbabs, nothing against you at all but I would just suggest thinking about your titles a little bit more in the future, as I found that personally a bit offensive.
I do hope you manage to find a solution for you and your OH.
x
i'd like to second masterandslave's comment about titles. But also suggest that maybe that you might benefit from simply saying to OH that you would like to be able to satisfy him too, and ask him how you can help. Chances are if it is a personal or psychological issue he'll already know the root of it and will probably have spent some time thinking about it. Just because he doesn't want to discuss doen't necessarily mean he's not thought about it. Even if you just plant the seed ('scuse the pun) and give him some time to think about it. Also perhaps suggest a no intercourse night, that way you can spend some time pleasuring each other in other ways, maybe he would be more comfortable with the penetration out of the equation.
FYI - Retarded ejaculation is the correct term for the condition.
has a quick look on wiki lol http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retarded_ejaculation interesting reading.
The problem with us men is that if we are thinking I must cum then we cant it just dosnt work, I know its happen to me be for very embarrassing as the women I was seeing at the time thought it was her fault but it only happen once, defently think doing allot of four play with him even if it donst involves intercouse and see if you can get him to climax.
Gyrator53 wrote: FYI - Retarded ejaculation is the correct term for the condition.
You learn something new everyday, even so I personally prefer the term delayed rather than retarded.
Plus if you go to your husband and tell him he has retarded ejaculation (especially if the problem is mental rather than physical), I could see him taking it as an insult if you don't explain it as a medical term.
x
Unfortunately if we keep retreating from the use of perfectly good English words because someone chooses to use them with negative connotations we will have no language left.
I'm just waiting for it to become impossible to buy a Birthday card proclaiming the recipient as "special" given the way the term is now being used pejoratively (implying special needs)
As a linguistics major I completely agree Gyrator, that it is a sad progression, but at the same time where there is a an applicable alternative and the language is being used outside it's original medical context with layman audiences I would still refrain from using socially bound derrogotary terminology where possible. we are after all not a medical forum but a bunch of kinksters from all walks of life.
Ever read something back and realise what a knob you sound?? damn we need a delete post function!!
apologies
Sukki x
I'm not saying don't use the word, just explain it as a medical term to your OH.
x
Well, retarded isn't just used by medics - I'ts still in common use in engineering (not so long ago anyone servicing their own car would have used the term in respect of the ignition system). It comes from the Latin 'tardus' meaning slow which is also the root of the word "tardy".
My point is that if we withdraw from using these words in their non-pejorative contexts then it makes the words all the more effective as insults which only makes them more effective weapons for bullies.
The more I think about this problem the more I think it's a "pressure to perform" issue. I don't have any direct experience of this problem but I do have with erectile dysfunction and I have to say it really worried me. The root cause was actually work pressure - I really do let such things affect my personal time as I just can't switch off, which is a bad failing.
So the first time it happens I'm not thinking about sex I'm thinking about the screwed up delivery or whatever it is and my wife is left playing with a bit of damp string... Now, once the problem got started it feeds on itself. If a guy thinks he might loose his erection then he probably will. The little worm of doubt is just sitting there in the background saying "I wonder if its going to happen this time..." and quite soon it's all you can think about. And it's back to the damp string game again.
In my experience the psychology of this is so powerful it makes you start to wonder if you have a physical problem and that really screws your mind up of course.
With all that in mind it seems to me that if the guy is there thinking "I HAVE to cum or she will be upset" then he probably can't even if he wants to. How you turn the tables on this one I don't know - threaten him with some dire consequences if he does cum perhaps. Something to remove or reverse the pressure for sure.