Hello, I’m really hoping I can get some advice here. I have recently got out of a 5 year relationship in which my ex refused to have sex with me because I am “too fat to be attractive”, he wore me down so much I felt no confidence in myself what so ever. I’ve started seeing a new guy but I am so self conscious I don’t know how I am ever going to have sex with him or anyone for that matter. I’m worried about not being any good, I’m worried he thinks the same as my ex and won’t sleep with me. I just don’t really know what to do. Any help and advice would be a great help. Thank you
Hi and welcome to the forums,
First of all, your ex is a d*ck. His comments were unnecessary and hurtful. If he truly felt that way he could have gone about the approach all different to avoid hurting your feelings rather than going for low blows and using things that he knew would damage your confidence. To me that signifies emotional/mental abuse. Nobody who genuinely cares about their partner would purposely hurt them and lower their confidence to this point. I’m so pleased to hear that you are out of that situation and away from this guy.
I would advise you to try and think about it like this although I understand it’s easier to say and harder to do. If new guy felt that way about you (wasn’t attracted to you/did not want to sleep with you) he wouldn’t be pursuing you. He is seeing you because he likes you and he finds you attractive. He might be picking up on the vibes that you’re nervous about sleeping together and therefore he doesn’t want to rush you into things that might make you uncomfortable.
I would explain your previous situation to him as I am sure that he will be happy to reassure you that he does not feel this way and that he is very much interested in you physically. If he likes you, he’ll be happy to go at your pace and will understand that you have precautions after what you’ve been through and hopefully, in time, he will be able to help you along the healing process and you can take your relationship to that level.
For what it’s worth, I’m sure you are absolutely beautiful. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way but I promise you that not everybody will think and act the same way as that idiot. It will just take some time and reassurance to move forwards.
Best of luck x
Hey Boots, I’m sorry to hear about that... but thank goodness you’re out of that relationship; you deserve so much better (but I suspect you already know this). After three to five years, you’re not going to magically wake up with goddess level confidence- you’ve been slowly worn down for so long ! So try not to push yourself or feel bad about slow progress (all progress is amazing and beneficial, and learning to love oneself can be very difficult after external forces saying otherwise). The good news comes with rationalising and positivity. Can overweight people be attractive and have wonderful sex lives ? Of course they can ! Every body is different, and each is beautiful in it’s own way. And, it should go without saying, but to really drive it home- you are always more than your body. You are brilliant and worthy no matter what. You, my darling, are full of potential, and I’d advise trying to explore that yourself for a bit to try to rediscover what you like and dislike sexually- might seem a tad less spooky or awkward when getting intimate with your new man ? You’re seeing a new guy- He finds you attractive. He probably doesn’t even realise you’re having this internal struggle yet, he just sees this beautiful woman who he wants to get to know better and is unsure of how/when to proceed- I’m sure he’d be more than willing to aid in your recovery/reawakening. :’) Take it slow, be gentle and kind to yourself, and when you are nervous/afraid of something: Communicate ! Maybe you’re about to take your clothes off with him for the first time and have a sudden pang of “Is this underwear flattering ? Is it silly ? I wish I didn’t comfort eat before this...!”, just take a breath, if you can laugh it off comfortably that’s great, if you have to keep a t-shirt/camisole on ? Still great. If he has an issue with that, he’s going to have to learn to help you realise how wonderful your body is to share it with him, or he’s going to have to hit the road. Maybe you haven’t done a certain act in a while and don’t know if you know what you’re doing anymore ! ... so what ? Everyone starts somewhere, and everyone’s different in what they like, too. Each partner is a fresh start and a learning experience- you don’t have to be perfect, and could even play up on being coy if it suits you. Being comfortable with yourself and him is the most important thing. It seems like a huge deal now, but every experience with him or someone else will help ease your nerves and help you accept yourself if you’re ready for those steps. I guess that’s easy for others to say, but I hope it’ll be enough to encourage you because it’s the truth. :) What I’d really like you to consider though is some self reflection. Do you struggle with body dysmorphia ? Would you benefit from some counselling ? (It doesn’t have to be a spooky GP appointment and referal- there’s plenty of online forums and services !). Do you need a little time to get to know yourself and treat yourself right before heading into a new relationship ? In a relationship or not, you have to live in your body forever so it’s worth getting in touch with yourself and your needs, physical and emotional. P.S. The first time I had sex, I had to get my man wearing a blindfold mask WITH the lights off because I hated my body so much. There are ways to slowly work up to lights-on, full-view, 100% vulnerability intimacy. :p
Some people Good news is you are with someone this person must like you, So try to think of it like that, hard to do but try to forget what you EX said.
To be honest I am one of these that have lost all confidence in myself and way I look and body. It's going to take time to feel better without the judgement too. I'm trying to get more active and experiment so I will feel good so it shows through
Well your ex sounds like a moron, and is in the best place for him THE PAST! You're seeing someone new, so that some one will already be attracted to you and (more than likely) already WANTS to have sex with you. Do what you feel comfortable with is a good start, take things slowly. Maybe find something non sexual to boost your self esteem, pamper yourself, be kind to your self. New lingerie, hair/make-up/nails/perfume, a new pair of shoes or outfit, something to give you a little boost for yourself. Then when you've done that, perhaps use a toy/what ever works for you to climax alone. It sounds crazy, but after I've had a good hair cut, I feel better about myself, and orgasming alone when I have that little bit of confidence in myself seems to boost my self esteem for longer, my OH knows the minute I feel good in myself I relax about my hang ups and body image, and he's in for a good night! Most of all remember you're beautiful, don't let one Muppet overshadow your future!
My dear.....
I'm a voluptous one as well. And guess what! This is what my significant other loves the most about my body! and my hips :)
Chin up my dear and be proud of your shapes! A lot of men loves that
Men are all different - but the most of them will take a long look at your body, your boobs and they will try to discover the very important thing - your personality!
Be yourself!
Good luck! :)
My approach would be to talk to your new partner, explain things, then start slowly.
I have a larger friend, and she always starts by getting her boobs out and letting him have a good long play - that's it for the evening (and it'll keep a lot of men very happy!). The next time you do something, a bit more of that, then maybe, feet or legs, and build up to it in steps you are happy with.
I would hope your new guy will work with you to undo the damage your awful ex has done. Mine has, and it made my love even more that he helped me to deal with things from the past.
I'm very happy you've got that scumbag out of your life. I've been living without self confidence for my whole life. My confidence is never "self" it always comes from outside: i feel self confident if someone else praises my body.
I know that's not good. I know being self confident means you are ok with how you are despite other people's opinions. And I think the only way to get some is some therapy.
So I think you are getting great advise regarding your new relationship: try to speak out how you feel, ask for the time you need... But I think you should consider working self confidence also with a psychologist. I know... I should do the same :)