As I’m sure everyone is at the moment, I’m just finding it a bit hard to stay happy and positive. I’ve been struggling with my mood for a while now and I’m mostly taking it out on my husband which is horrid.
We have a toddler who obviously demands a lot of time, attention, patience and cuddles and I feel that I give my all to him. I work in a hospital and my job is also very emotionally demanding and stressful. I give my all to my job and my child but it’s leaving me frazzled and unhappy and often a bit snappy! (covid obviously not helping this situation!)
I keep thinking I’m unhappy in my marriage but I really don’t think that’s the problem, I think I need to learn ways to manage my temper, keep myself happy and motivated.
Soooo… Self help books? Meditation? Happy podcasts? Hit me up, what do you use? What helps you stay a happy and nice person? Open to anything. Somethings got to change or I think my marriage will be going down the pan…
It’s been a tough time recently and I can completely understand it getting on top of you. I do a few things…I love listening to my music, podcasts, PS4 etc.
Do you have people you can reach out to for a chat from time to time?
Hmm… For me, I try to exercise for a few hours per week. Listening to my personal playlist as I do it. Definitely lifts my mood.
One of the other things that makes me feel a little better is just completing tasks. Doesn’t have to be anything complex. It can be as mundane as sorting your sock drawer or something. I like to make a list of things to complete in the day and tick them off. It feels good to finish everything. Like I’ve made some form of progress, even if it is tiny or insignificant.
Don’t forget to treat yourself or have your own space. A time to unwind and de-stress. How about taking it easy in the evening with a bag of popcorn and a movie? Reading a book or working on some form of art/craft project that you like?
@dotdashdot firstly thank you for the work you do in the hospital. Whilst I dont know about all the extra stresses in your life maybe speak to a councillor at your work. ? Yes family life and then covid has thrown you around, but you need to look after yourself too. Some people have mentioned music, yoga, arts or crafts etc. Dont forget about yourself, are you able to have a warm bath with some nice smelly stuff in said bath ?
I wish I had the magical ability to fix things for you but alas I dont sadly. Have you spoken with your hubby about your mood and how you’re feeling. Being a male myself sometimes us males are dumb and don’t always pick up on some ques. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find something that helps you, we are all here for each other.
Lots of little things, music, music and music, cuddling my dog, setting myself little treats to aim for once i get through the daily chores/grind, knowing that no matter how bad things are, someone else is having it worse, and that things will get better, counting my blessings instead of the negative things, doing nice things for others, as that is a reward in itself and visiting here for the cameraderie and positive atmosphere. One thing that i learned years ago, make time do do things that you like, and don’t be afraid to say no to people if you don’t want to do something that will make you unhappy, wether it be social engagements, extra work or anything really.
Sorry to hear that @dotdashdot, it’s a pretty gloomy time.
I find exercise can really help. Doesn’t have to be much, even a 15 min HIIT workout can do the trick and you might even get away with this with toddler around (or use them as a weight ). I also really enjoy boxing for stress release.
My other help is music; perhaps get a playlist or two while you’re travelling to and from work. And see what you can interest your toddler with, can be great fun watching them dance.
As several others have said I find exercise really good, doesn’t have to be intense just getting out of the house for half an hour or even just 10 mins for a walk can be really beneficial, it’s some ‘me time’ gives you some fresh air and a chance to relax and not think about anything else. Although I understand it’s difficult to fit that in to an already busy sounding life especially with short dark days. They are getting longer now though .
Sorry to hear that @dotdashdot, we’re really greatful for all your hard work, I can’t imagine what it’s like. I listen to music, browse online or go for a nice walk, I find that helps a little.
Talk to your husband. I have a long history of pinning any frustrations in my life on my marriage, and in the fullness of time, it’s never the problem.
Go outside. Take your toddler out for a walk. Look at the trees and changing colours of the winter season.
Reach out to your GP. Discuss how you feel. Whilst I appreciate the massive queues for talking therapies, if you feel you’re still mentally heading towards burn-out, some meds might help get your through this initial blip.
My very best wishes to you.
Hi @dotdashdot, don’t worry, your not the first and won’t be the last. We had hard time when wee lady was born premature, things got tense between OH and me. Got to the point we had to talk. Since then we talk or simply send a msg describing how we feel.
For me, exercise has definitely help vent stress from work, workout each morning, then a cycle at the weekends. OH goes for walks. Relationship better than ever.
Write yourself a daily diary, how you feel etc, makes a big difference.
Hope your ok X
100% agree - I’m struggling this week as my missus is away until today and I’ve had to look after a toddler and a five year old since last Wednesday and as you can imagine it’s running a bit thin…however without fail sticking on some music makes like feel ok again. My kids dance…I dance and even once they’ve gone to bed just having a playlist rather than silence makes me feel ok! Praise be for spotify!
You sound very stressed to me! No wonder, with all that you have on your plate right now.
Exercise (of any kind that you can manage) will definitely help to metabolise those excess stress hormones. Do whatever exercise you enjoy and can fit in, but one of the most helpful kinds for stress is a short burst of high intensity exercise (to mimic successfully running away from your pursuing tiger). Then cuddle someone, your little one or your OH. This boosts feel-good hormones such as oxytocin.
Then breathe slowly, preferably through your nose. Try counting as you breathe, e.g. inhale, 2, 3, 4… exhale, 2, 3, 4… Try to inhale and exhale for the whole time that you are counting, without holding your breath at any point. Use whatever number works for you.
If you find this helps, you might also try making your exhale longer than your inhale. This is very calming (it lowers your heart rate and helps you to shift into the ‘rest and digest, state. I hope things ease for you soon.
Amazing suggestions above. All I can add is what worked for me. I had a very high pressure job when my Son was small. I was horrible to my Husband and I am ashamed to say I was also snappy with my then toddler Son. After speaking about it with my Husband (bravely instigated by him). We decided on a word. A word I’d say if I was struggling, overwhelmed or about to snap. If I said that word my Husband would know I was about to blow and he then would do something to help me. Take my Son to play in another room, tell me to go in the bath or just ask what I needed. It really helped. It helped me to realise I was getting worked up and quickly things improved. The word was only needed for 6 weeks or so, after that I just learned to communicate. I think often Mums try to be everything to everyone, so much pressure. I hope this is of some help and things improve x
You guys are all fantastic thank you! I exercise a lot, running with my hubby with the kid in the running buggy, dog walk every day. I listen to a podcast or an audiobook at the same time which is lovely. I do get some time to myself, if I want to have a bath in the evening I can.
However we live far away from family and my husband is in the military so we move around a lot and friends come and go very quickly. I have a close circle of friends who live far away and am very close with my mum, I know I can always chat to them but it’s not the same as being able to nip out and see people face to face.
What really helps me is having things in the diary, even if it’s just a dog walk with a friend. Obviously I know we’re all in the same boat but I’m really missing that right now!!
I don’t want this to become a big rant about my husband being crap (he really isn’t!) he’s lovely and kind and cuddly and even tempered and he cooks! But he’s not good at talking or communicating at all, not emotionally attentive. I find it hard to talk to him, a conversation about “feelings” is his idea of hell. It’s always been that way, I’ve never found a way around it! So because I can’t talk to him, and because I don’t want to spend my time ranting to my friends about him I turn inward. I have little chats to myself as a way of offloading but often end up having imaginary fights with him, making myself more angry and then taking it out on him even more… Very strange! I feel like a nitpick a lot because he just doesn’t listen to anything I say! I wish I could let small things like the way he loads the dishwasher (wrong) just glide over me but it just makes me rage.
Sex life isn’t great, often I don’t want to be cuddly and close with him because I’ve had a toddler all over me all day or had to be super nice to people all day at work and I just want to be left alone. Then I’ll be really horrible and impatient with him and feel guilty!
It’s getting to the point where I feel like I’m living with an annoying housemate rather than my husband. I’d loooooove to just be able to get a babysitter and go to the pub with him. Fucking covid.
Anyway… I’ve started reading a book about mindfulness, I really feel like I need to do something about my ragey, moody, negative, pessimistic inner self. I know the way I’m feeling and the daily crap I’m going through is all completely normal, just don’t feel like I’m coping with it all that well.
You’ve already had some wonderful advice and suggestions, so I won’t repeat those. I don’t have children myself, and know that brings its own stresses and can make things more difficult to implement.
It does however sound like you are putting a lot of guilt on yourself for all your actions. Try and remember that emotions are part of us, and we experience these all the time. It’s not wrong to feel these, it’s more about how to manage them and how this may impact other people. As you said, the change in mindset does need to come from within, but there are still external things that you can do to support you.
I know you’ve said your partner is completely against any conversations about feelings, but it may be helpful to find a balance between that. Communicating feelings doesn’t need to be a huge sit down hour long chat, even small things like just acknowledging how you’re feeling and what you’re doing may really help. For example, simply saying to him “I feel quite grumpy today and I know I’m taking that out on you, I’m sorry” can actually be quite a therapeutic way of expressing your feelings and getting it out, without requiring a response. This may not work for you but I know in the past I’ve done this and sometimes it’s all I need to get out of the dip. My friend recently did this with her partner after a huge argument (about the way the dishwasher was loaded too!) and said that once she’d actually said it out loud she realised she was being a little bit ridiculous, and that it was more the build up of emotions rather than the actual thing they were arguing about.
You may also find it useful to try and explore exactly what emotion you’re feeling and then what that emotion needs to level itself. I know for me personally, I need different things when I’m sad opposed to when I’m angry. If you search for “emotion wheel” on images, I find this a helpful tool to try and delve a bit deeper into feelings rather than just “sad” or “happy”. You could explore this through a journal/diary if you find this a way that works for you, but even just looking at it from time to time helps me become a bit more self-aware.
My hubby keeps me sane (most of the time ) I’ve got depression, anxiety, autism and a rare chromosome microdeletion syndrome, we have 3 children, 2 of them are autistic too, and my daughter has the chromosome microdeletion syndrome too. When I have bad day’s I literally feel worthless, and don’t want to do anything, or even get out of bed, but I have to cos I’m a mum. But good days I’m on top of the world, my bad days I hardly have them anymore. Hubby will tell me everyday that I’m a amazing mum and wife and I’m doing a brilliant job. He’s so understanding with my conditions, I really don’t know what I’d do without him, he’s my rock, my sanity
When we both retired in our mid-50’s (14 years ago now) we had intended to travel extensively. Unfortunately family circumstances changed and we found ourselves as primary carers for our grandchildren 4 or 5 days each week so our plans were shattered. Our daughter in law does her best to give us as much free time as possible and we did manage to get away for short breaks fairly regularly which kept me fairly sane until lockdown. In the last year we have managed to get away twice (during the lockdown breaks) and I am struggling with bouts of depression now. The only things keeping me from going over the edge are my wife, who knows me well enough to spot the early warning signs and who supports me as she has done for 48 years now, and the fact that we bought a motorcycle to recondition for our next European touring holiday (whenever that is) and which has given me a practical release from the daily routine. I have done 2 years work on the bike in 5 months but have now finished so my wife is encouraging me to start building guitars again.
We have both been vaccinated now and there seems to be an end to lockdown in sight so hopefully things will improve in the coming weeks.
). I also really enjoy boxing for stress release.
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But he’s not good at talking or communicating at all, not emotionally attentive. I find it hard to talk to him, a conversation about “feelings” is his idea of hell. It’s always been that way, I’ve never found a way around it! So because I can’t talk to him, and because I don’t want to spend my time ranting to my friends about him I turn inward. I have little chats to myself as a way of offloading but often end up having imaginary fights with him, making myself more angry and then taking it out on him even more… Very strange! I feel like a nitpick a lot because he just doesn’t listen to anything I say! I wish I could let small things like the way he loads the dishwasher (wrong) just glide over me but it just makes me rage.
) I’ve got depression, anxiety, autism and a rare chromosome microdeletion syndrome, we have 3 children, 2 of them are autistic too, and my daughter has the chromosome microdeletion syndrome too. When I have bad day’s I literally feel worthless, and don’t want to do anything, or even get out of bed, but I have to cos I’m a mum. But good days I’m on top of the world, my bad days I hardly have them anymore. Hubby will tell me everyday that I’m a amazing mum and wife and I’m doing a brilliant job. He’s so understanding with my conditions, I really don’t know what I’d do without him, he’s my rock, my sanity