Good morning, just wanting some advice, or tips and suggestions on how to improve me and my wife's sex life. My wife has fibromyalgia, she hasn't had the official diagnosis yet, but we/she is working towards getting the diagnosis as it's pretty clear that she is suffering with the symptoms and has been for the last 18+ months. Anyway, as a result our sex life has taken a massive hit. We have been married over two years now, and been together 7 years, I am 27 in a couple of months and my wife is 24 in August, so we are a pretty young couple. Just like every young couple, our sex life was amazing when we first met, and during the honeymoon period after our wedding. December 2015 she was admitted to hospital due to abdominal pain and spent New Years in hospital, she was then subsequently off work for the first 6 months of last year, and in and out of hospital with the same problems. Scans were done and nothing significant was picked up, gall bladder, liver, pancreas etc etc. She was then put under the Gasto specialist and last month was her last follow up appointment and everything was fine. So now we are just waiting for the referral to a rheumatologist. She's recently been having acupuncture, and her physio has said it's highly likely it's fibromyalgia, and I forgot to mention it runs in the family.
Anyway, back to the original point, our sex life is none existent, and from my point of view at the minute, it doesn't look like it's going to get any better soon. I feel selfish, but it's a case of the less I get the more I want. I love my wife, and I find her incredibly attractive. Communication isn't our strong suit, However she is aware that it's on my mind, and the conversation has happened, and she basically says that sex is the last thing on her mind, which I suppose is understandable. The problem is it is putting a strain on our relationship, and I feel terrible for even thinking about sex when she is in terrible discomfort on a day to day basis. Although lately she has been feeling slightly better since she made the decision to stop taking tramadol. I can't even cuddle her without getting an erection, so I try and avoid any contact because I end up frustrating myself and my wife. I can count on one hand how many times we have had sex this last 6 months. Even writing this I feel guilty because it feels like I'm only thinking about my own needs, but my balls are incredibly blue! Lol.
So if anyone can offer any advice, or suggestions I would be incredibly grateful.
I don't have fibro, but I do suffer with my mental health and take a lot of medication that affects my sex drive. Me and Mr TJ have been through long 'droughts' of no sex before and I know how hard it is for him.
My advice would be that you need to talk more, maybe ask her when her pain is more bareable eg in the morning or in the night, at the end of the day it might just be too much. Run her a bath, offer her a massage, rub her feet.
But definitely talking is the key, I can't do it face to face so we have most of our chats through whatsapp. Maybe write her a letter just be honest. You have like 50 years of marriage to go don't give up hope yet x
You have to have some self control. If you cannot cuddle her without getting an erection this is only going to upset her. Thus exacerbating the cycle youre currently having.
It is more than understandable that sex is the last thing on her mind, no one would blame her.
Do not do any communication regarding this via texting, if she gets the wrong vibe/impression (because you arent face to face) then it will just lead to a row.
When the pain is more bearable for her the last thing she should be doing is pleasuring you. This is the time when she is human and to live, go shopping, see family, leave the house. Dont try sweetening the deal by giving her a massage/running a bath, she will read between the lines, i am sure she isnt stupid.
If sex is off limits then it is off limits, end of. You can masturbate. Talk with her that you want to release and have some sexual pleasure, and ask if it is ok for you to masturbate. Re, watching porn, buying yourself lubes, fleshlights etc etc.
Ge patient, subtle and conscious of her emotions. good luck.
We are in the same boat, both of us love each other but due to health issues, sex is a rare thing, luckily we can talk in fact had to three years ago, I'd had enough feeling neglected, thank god we talked. Take the pressure off her, pleasure yourself if you have too, others have said better than me, but hugs.
I too suffer from fibro, (amongst other physical and mental health problems) but luckily for me it hasn't hit me as hard as some of my family members (yet...) I do however get day's where my whole body is hurting and all I want to do is curl up and cry. I feel awful knowing my husband wants sex but I have to tell him no.
We too are a young couple and having numerous health problems at my age has been hard to adapt to for both of us.
I can understand it is very frustrating not just for her but for you as well. Like everyone else has said, masturbation is going to be your friend in times like this. There are lots of products on this site to make it more fun.
Communication is a must, in times like this you have to be able to talk to one another. You can maybe discuss ways of getting sexual without getting too physical. In the past my husband and I have had to compromise as I ended up feeling so guilty and yet we managed to have a good time.
I wish you all the best. And I hope your wife gets her diagnosis soon!
When the pain level is high or some of the phych elements are present sex is a total no go. We've been through extended patches like that and even a mention of sex during those patches sends all the wrong signals in her head.
My solution has been solo play. The patches feel endless but will reduce to a point where she's ready for some intimacy, at the point just take it slow and enjoy the moment. However hard it is for those of us around the sufferer it's even worse being them.
Well, I cant believe with so little comments already how popular this seams to be. My partner and I also have this issue my partner being the 1 who suffers with the excruciating pain. I really feel for all you sufferers that have already commented and those soon to follow. The truth is as the one not in pain it's a case of when and if my wife feels well enough as she is on morphine for her pain. We have kind of for a solution although it's not intercourse we've found a balance of the fact I love to give my wife a massage and maybe enjoy giving her a full body massage a little too much but that's ok as I get my excitement and she gets a good rub down which I'm told does relieve some pain but she's never pain free. So as both parties have a great feeling in the end it's just a different type of happy ending.
If your not happy without getting intercourse I would advise seeing if she is OK you you giving oral to her and you may just have to relieve yourself. Shell thank you for just leaving her alone and if you have sexually stress relieving yourself is the best best. Just don't push her to do anything. We've lived with this now for several years and it just does pay to back off and find other ways.
Once again I feel for all you sufferers and wish you all the very best in the future.
Thankyou for the replies guys, its comforting to know that we aren't the only couple going through similar situations.
The problem is unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it lol) i have a very high sex drive, if im not talking about sex i'm thinking about it lol.
At the minute, me and my wife are in our own little worlds, she's purely focusing on being as comfortable as possible whilst doing everyday things such as work etc, and im just going through the motions with work and housework.
I do enjoy masturbating every now and again, but the more i masturbate, the more fed up and down in the dumps i get. I need that contact. It's a difficult situation, because i love my wife so much, and i feel selfish even feeling like this.
Hi sir psycho sexy. You've come to the right place to talk to people and you'll get plenty of advice on here. I'm the same with a really high sex drive and the deepest love I have for my wife. Yes it's hard being in this situation and there's probably no doubt you will have thoughts that you regret later. Just remember how much you love your wife and I'm sure you'll be just fine. When It comes to pleasuring yourself try keep these days for the bad days your wife's having. Me personally am not 1 for self pleasuring and only do it as a self relief when needed. Sorry for the image some people may get.
If you like to talk about it more it seems here is the place
Hi sir psycho sexy. You've come to the right place to talk to people and you'll get plenty of advice on here. I'm the same with a really high sex drive and the deepest love I have for my wife. Yes it's hard being in this situation and there's probably no doubt you will have thoughts that you regret later. Just remember how much you love your wife and I'm sure you'll be just fine. When I've stated I massage my partner in no way this is intended as foreplay to try and get her in the mood this is just purely to try and relieve some of my wife's pain and yes she does like a hot bubble bath running before hand. Only you know your wife well enough to know which path to go down as not to give the wrong signals and showing love won't hurt her feelings at all. When It comes to pleasuring yourself try keep these days for the bad days your wife's having. Me personally am not 1 for self pleasuring and only do it as a self relief when needed. Sorry for the image some people may get.
If you like to talk about it more it seems here is the place
Hello. I have fybromyalgia. I was diagnosed nearly a year ago. It has hit our sex lives and it very nearly ruined our marriage because we got ourselves stuck in a rut. Luckily we have started to open up to each other and my husband has been reminded that actually beneath it all I'm just as kinky as he is. So now we are rediscovering our sex lives all over again. We've found a few positions that give us amazing sex without hurting me and my husband and I have a "code" if he is in the mood he is more than welcome to cuddle up behind me and caress me. If I'm not in too much pain and consent I will turn towards him and we will make love. Some nights we can only manage for him to use toys on me and some nights he doesn't even get relief for himself. But that is what works for us. The important thing is being open and talking about it. The best way to start is to tell her you understand she has a lot on her mind and you will never try to pressure her however you would love to find a way that will make you both happy and bring you closer together again. Good luck. Mainly to your wife. I am still going through the grieving process but I'm coming out the other side now and one day so will she but she needs you there to support her.
Hi Browncoats, sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but it's good to hear you and your husband are dealing with this obstacle that's been put in your way. Me and my wife are going away for a week this weekend, and I plan on opening up to her whilst we are both relaxed. Hopefully things can start moving forward, i want nothing more than for us to get back on track as I love her very much, but we, like yourselves were, are stuck in a rut.
Good luck. As the sufferer I havr to say she is grieving. She is grieving the person she was. It's hard to have to learn to be kind to Yourself. To accept that you can't do the simplest things that you used to take for granted. My husband has had to learn to cook. We have 2 young children and we've gone from me being the main caregiver and housekeeper to him having to do everything when he's home. Because all my energy is used on raising our children while he's at work.
Can I make a suggestion. Google the spoon theory. It's such an amazing way of explaining what people with chronicle conditions love with every day. O wish your wife plenty of spoons and you both the best of the luck for the future.
I'm team fibro too. THere a number of ways to look at this:
-As someone has said, get some self control, and some respect for your wife. I get that erections aren't always voluntary, but don't physically neglect her because you can't keep your cock under control. It won't help how she feels at all. Cuddles help.
-Masturbation, woo!!! It will help. But for the love of god, talk to her about it and make sure it's okay.
Also consider masturbating together. There are plenty of toys she can use to make it easier for her, without having to deal with close contact, or supporting your weight.
Sex with my ex was incredibly difficult at times because of my fibro, because he was large and so I couldn't support his weight, but nor could I maintain the positions required to be on top.
It's fair to broach to her too that orgasms will make her feel better. I know they help me, maybe invest in a Lelo smart wand, that tends to do the trick.
-If your wife is open to medications, Pregablin helps. I have it and it's done wonders for me. I'm a proper person now! I do advise caution as the withdrawl is rapid and horrendous if you stop taking it cold turkey, but hte positive effects are wonderful and I've experienced no side effects at all, which is a miracle in itself for me.
-Get a sex book or do some online research at sex to be considerate of her condition, if she does feel up to trying something. Or go down on her. That's rarely a bad idea.
But most importantly, talk to her about it. We can offer you advice and tips but only she can decide what she wants. Look at this thread together, do some research together.
It's hard to think about sex when you can't even brush your teeth or dress yourself. You need to respect that.