Sex is boredom after 20 years together. Some shorter!

Off-Topic Chat
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Last evening a couple in our group brought up the subject of sex boredom. It came as a shock to some of us but we know this is a reality after being married for a while.

For more than 20 years the 3 most sensitive parts of the woman body have became a routine in their foreplay. The blow jobs and the sex were repeated and "no longer" appealing or exciting. Although orgasm were not lost but the time spent together were a lot shorter.

Hub and I in our bed time discussed and we did find some of our areas a routine too, boredom and not exciting anymore. We have identified the areas. We need to rectify these areas but we are lost for solutions.
We need help and satisfactory answers from members who have overcame issue of sex boredom successfully. Can you share with me.
1) how long have you been together?
2) when did your problem started?
3) what were the problems?
4) how did you overcome them? (family counseling for example, or maybe cheating... Other areas)

Thanks in advance.

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4Uonly wrote:

Last evening a couple in our group brought up the subject of sex boredom. It came as a shock to some of us but we know this is a reality after being married for a while.

For more than 20 years the 3 most sensitive parts of the woman body have became a routine in their foreplay. The blow jobs and the sex were repeated and "no longer" appealing or exciting. Although orgasm were not lost but the time spent together were a lot shorter.

Hub and I in our bed time discussed and we did find some of our areas a routine too, boredom and not exciting anymore. We have identified the areas. We need to rectify these areas but we are lost for solutions.
We need help and satisfactory answers from members who have overcame issue of sex boredom successfully. Can you share with me.
1) how long have you been together?
2) when did your problem started?
3) what were the problems?
4) how did you overcome them? (family counseling for example, or maybe cheating... Other areas)

Thanks in advance.

In our case, there's little to no effect of arousal when hub kissed me (mouth to mouth), around my neck area, around my breast (not touching the nipples) and tights.
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Swinging.

5

ComeHereBabe wrote:

Swinging.

Whilst I'd agree that it can bring something to a relationship, and the reclaim sex afterward (you reconnect with your OH) is some of the best sex we've ever had between us.

Swinging isn't something in my view that should be used to repair a relationship, it's merely an addition to enhance a strong one. It does bring challenges to the table, jealousy is the most obvious one, performance anxiety can be another. Then you have to consider your boundaries and then there is a trust issue too, yours and your OH AND the other(s) who join your relationship.

We have been fortunate to have met some exceptionally nice people who we love playing with, and there are lots who are just like them, but there are plenty of less than great ones too, they lie, they aren't who they say they are and then you have the time-wasters who make pathetic excuses not to turn up or those who simply don't bother at all. These latter types can cause problems where there wasn't one, to begin with, confidence and trust is the most obvious, since your face pics are now "out there" and you no longer have control over them.

TBH, you both it seems to me, need to get on the same page and identify what each wants, start with the common ground stuff then slowly expand your desires as you reconnect in your relationship.

You could also do the link below which would tie in nicely with my last sentence.

http://mojoupgrade.com/

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Thank you all for the contributions. Think I didn't expressed myself well enough. Hub and I don't have a relationship problem in hand. We love each other as much as we first met.
There are just some areas we realized they are no longer arousing when touched. Is this normal? Or is this the plateau thing experienced by married couples who are married long? Or is this a mind thing?

Take another example, he has a hard on when he saw my girlfriend's breast half covered in bright red bra. But he has no reaction with me when I wore the same.

We laughed over this issue of boredom last night. Going forward we will concentrate on those areas that will give us the most pleasure.

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Alicia4Ever, thanks for the excellent suggestion. We have not tried anything like this before but I will give it a go. Thanks again.

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1) 20 years

2)Kids, terrible for sex life, not just the tiredness but the lack of seeing each other as sexual as we had no time for it.

3) lack of interest from my OH, body image after children, change in feeling, self esteem, no time, exhaustion, stress with job.

4) time. kids are older. Make a effort to make sure we have time together, Have diffirent intrests to do different hobbies but make time for each other. Regular date nights. getting baby sitters and dissapering off for a night. joining lovehoney! buying each other gifts. Bondage, sex toys talking about it more.

Personally i think to get spark back needs to be more than just sex, need to be excited about each other to make you horny about your OH.

As for feeeling. Well i havent changed but my OH....

OH nipples chewed off by children when breastfeeding years ago, cannot feel a thing, very dissapointing!. Also has scars from difficult labour that she hates being touched.

personally i think its better than when we were younger. Yes many times it can be predictable, only so many things you can try but i accept that. Less spontaneous and animalistic but hey confortable with each other. i still think my OH is hot.

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Hi illtakethebigroad, thanks for sharing. I wish my hub could come to the forum to share some of his thoughts.

Just a couple of days ago, I was sharing my thoughts with a colleague who is a psychologist. We touched on areas that are so sensitive concerning marriage renewal. She claimed that she saw in increased in the no. of couples having problems with their sex life. Some as young as 40+ years old, not menopause and no longer having sex. Some opted for separation due to incompatible sexual demands... ED and physical appearance are named as the main culprits which are not surprising to me.

I have given birth to 4 lovely children and I know how my body has gone very out of shape. I must confess that I (at 50) love sex very much more than hub (maybe I'm wrong about him) but he's 65 and is still able and lasting. He lost efforts not like before ensuring I have multiple orgasm. We don't watch porn coz it's banned in our country. But his roving eyes are giving him hard on constantly in public places and this is a great concern for me.
We know there's a problem in our sex life but he's alright with me in toys(masturbating) without his participation. So I've been buying more toys than before.
The thoughts of cheating kept appearing in my mind but think I will not take this easy path (due to religious belief).

Think this is one area for hub and I so to explore together for a solution or solutions so that it could be shared among my small team of members. Hence I'm looking for contributions on couples who have successfully saved or improved their sex life after long marriage.

@illtakethebigroad, I'm thankful that you highlighted about the nipples being chewed and the scars. The sparks of getting back before sex are so valid too. Thanks!

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This is honestly something that has affected me also!!! 14 year relationship... and around 7 years ago the sex stopped, but on the rare occasion it happens, it's just not what it should be...!!! I would never be unfaithful, so I'm seriously hoping your post could give some guidance lol...

I brought a few items from this site at the beginning of the year , hoping it might help the relationship... but sadly the lingerie is still unworn and the vibrator is still in the box 🙈 X

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@Supascoopa, thanks for sharing. 7 years without sex is incredibly a lovely husband and a respected person. I admire your faithfulness.

I don't foresee more contributions coming and there's no solution at the moment. Perhaps you may want to seek out external help, like help group or family counselor.

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Here are a few thoughts and observations from the female perspective - working mother here

After having children my body did not feel like my own anymore, I hated to see myself naked - the damage to my stomach area was also something that became an issue for him and really put a damper on our sex life. I also lost sensativity in my mipples from breast feeding, but it did come back with time and I also find that hard stimulation helps from nipple suckers, rings, etc.

But it is more than a physical aspect - it is also very much emotional. When I have worked a 10-12 hour work day (yes that is real often), have to run the household, deal with kids school work, sports, the housework, etc there is literally nothing left. i am exhausted, truly have zero sex drive.

I also find the ruts are real because he gets tried and stressed out too... so here are some things I suggest as ways to get the spark back that I have done:

1. boudoir photography - hugheself confidence boost for me and a total shock to him that I did it. When I am not feeling great about my body or I get in "mom mode" where it is hard to feel sexual looking at these photos helps the confidence and my mood.

2. lingerie, it is very empowering and can also lead to run role plays - I love my french maid set, school girl set, harem girl... you get the idea.

3. sex toys for partner and SOLO use. I have toys that are just for me, I use them when I am alone to enjoy and explore my own body. Plenthy we use together but I find myself feeling more sexual in general as I have masturbated more the past few years.

4. start geting out of the rut by playing in different places in the house or even outside the house... specificially sex in the car, booking a hotel for a night away, even just opening a window at night and feeling fresh air and street noises can help.

Just a few thoughts here and wish ya'll the best.

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Tiger Dick wrote:

ComeHereBabe wrote:

Swinging.

Swinging isn't something in my view that should be used to repair a relationship, it's merely an addition to enhance a strong one. It does bring challenges to the table...

I respectfully disagree. If there are ongoing stressful issues and everyone is on the edge (recovering from an affair, financial crisis or serious parenting disagreements for example), then that leaves no energy for swinging, but boredom is different, boredom needs snapping out of, and that's easier to do with some help from the outside.

Jealousy, performance issues, trust are all valid concerns, but they can be dealt with. A couple that's stuck in a rut is no different to any other couple with respect to these challenges, in fact they often become much needed bonding experiences.

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, ComeHereBabe and Tiger Dick, thank you so much for your contributions. I will certainly tried or mimic them. As for swinging I can only do it in fantasy. I like the empowering part on lingerie. Honestly, I so dead tired after 10-14 hours daily, worst for some days that I've to be in OT or A&E situations. Thanks!

I hope @Supascoop is reading your posts.

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We have only been married for 6 years but together for much longer. We have been together for our whole adult lives and I was my husbands first long term relationship.

We have children which naturally made alone time difficult. I gained weight, was insanely tired and lost interest in sex altogether. We would occasionally have sex but it was not enjoyable at all for me. There was no intimacy, it was pretty much just for him to get off as quickly as he could so I could sleep.

During this time my husband developed an obsession with porn and masturbation. It was destroying our relationship. We went to counselling, we still attend after 2 years. My lack of interest had him believing I didn't care for him anymore as we just didn't communicate.

He doesn't live with us as he works away, which although it's difficult it has been a bit of a blessing as we have to talk more. We only have so much time we can be together so we have to make the best of it. Last year we started buying from Lovehoney building up a collection of things we want to try but we're always too shy to ask. This has finally given us the sex life we were both craving so much. The porn and self loving has stopped, I feel the need to say masturbation is a great healthy thing it's only when it starts to effect you negatively it isn't, and now we appreciate each other.

Set aside time to talk. Just be together, no tv and definitely no phones! As for your fantasy of swinging there are realistic dildos that couples use to have the feeling of another in the bedroom without having someone else. One thing I can highly recommend is a blindfold. Sensations feel different when you can't see what's coming.

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@RosyCheek, thanks for your post. I'm beginning to realized that sex is routine and stale in the lives of many couples. Not that they have relationships problems in fact they are happy couples. It's just that sex has became a routine and stale.
I am so used to the caresses given by hub especially my neck and breast but it doesn't add to me getting aroused.
But when I'm blindfolded I will get very excited with fantasy. Likewise, I'm so used to his Penis but I climax easily multiple times when I use toys.

Blindfolding is definitely another way to go. Thanks.

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Have you looked at light bondage? Ticklers, flogger, massage candles and silk ties? They give a completely different sensation. As do clamps, they heighten your sensitivity making the familiar touch feel brand new.

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RosyCheek wrote:

Have you looked at light bondage? Ticklers, flogger, massage candles and silk ties? They give a completely different sensation. As do clamps, they heighten your sensitivity making the familiar touch feel brand new.

So far I've been talking about myself and not hub. He also loosing interest in bondage coz its routine and stale. Having me all tied up, punished or tortured doesn't excite him but for me it was always good.
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Interesting you say your friend who is a psychologist said he knew people seperating because of difference in sexual demands. Well thats what marriage is a about working it out and finding a satisfactory compromise if you dont want to compromise then it is difficult to make it work.

I think me and my OH are good is because when they things have come up we havent brushed them under the carpet or dismissed them and have worked together.. there were times when i was so desparate because of her lack of interest due to life getting in the way but i would never have strayed.

Interestingly you say he has erections and looks at other women but he has possible problems of feeling stale with you. I also noted you said pornography is banned in your country. I assume you cannot mention where? Would be interested to know if it is safe to mention just out of curiosity. Doesn that mean he gets titililated by seeing a bit of other female flesh because such displays are unusual in the country you live in?

To be honest all your posts suggest you are making and effort and still interested, the problems with staleness are possibly with him.It sounds like your probably have a more exotic sex life than the average person in your country i am not sure where else you go from there. Sounds like whatever you do he might get bored. Is that what his personality is like easily bored?

Tell you the best thing for getting me more interested after stressful work etc is abstenance. Not doing it and getting hints about "well i am waiting" is a sure fire way to get me back going at it again

As for caresses not getting you aroused then no, it wont work for someone you are so familiar with after so long, just enjoy them as affection. Blindfdlding is good though, especially as you dont know where they are going next! To the pub possibly?

Good luck, its a problem the world over. I assume people 200 years ago didnt live long enough for this to be a problem!

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illtakethehighroad wrote:

Interesting you say your friend who is a psychologist said he knew people seperating because of difference in sexual demands. Well thats what marriage is a about working it out and finding a satisfactory compromise if you dont want to compromise then it is difficult to make it work.

@illtakethehighroad, I'm from Singapore and my aged mom is a Japanese. I'm born and bred in Singapore for the last 50 years. I'm no longer the hour glass body and obese. Think if one party refuses or failed to recognized there is a problem it will be hard to discuss, or find a solution and come to a conclusion. Hub and I are lovely married couple but sex has lost some of its colorful flavor. We recognized the problem but we cannot find a good solution to the staleness. I'm beginning to recognized the fact that sex staleness will creep into long married couples/partners at some stage of their lives together. So toys may be the solution after an agreement.