I am looking for advice from fellow members who may have been in my position, or been partner to someone in my position.
I am a 29-year-old guy who has been with my wife for 7 years, and married for 4 and a half years. I have recently been diagnosed by the doctor as being depressed and I have been put on anti-depressants, and have made an appointment with a counsellor.
However, I have dealt with depression for much longer than that. As a kid at school I was bullied a lot, and ended up closing myself off from the world, and shutting away my feelings of hopelessness and never dealing with them. That technique obviously "worked" then, but it has only made for bigger problems now. I managed to go a few years after school seemingly without depression, however it has come back with a vengeance. Since we married, my libido has gone down dramatically as I slipped back into depression, but again kept hiding it from everyone. Last year, after falling ill many times for no apparent reason, I was diagnosed with anxiety by the doctor, and have battled with that for the last 12 months.
It has reached a point where my marriage is at breaking point. I want to feel confident and happy again, and i want to make my wife happy, but then most of the time when it comes to sex I end up taking an anxiety attack (worrying that I won't be able to perform), which leads to being unable to "get it up", then i feel the guilt for letting my wife down. This vicious circle has taken away my wife's confidence in herself, and she now questions greatly whether I love her or not, and it has totally destroyed my confidence in myself as well.
The biggest stalling point of our relationship is the question of kids. Deep down inside (somewhere), I do want to be a dad, I want all the fun of bringing a child up, teaching them about the world etc. Although I am terrified about the idea of being a dad. My wife really wants to be a mum. However, while I have been secretly battling with depression, I have always felt it wrong to bring a child into the world - I feel it's not right to create a life when I feel so hopeless about my own life.
Again, this all adds to my vicious circle, as I have now admitted how depressed I am, and am seeking help, but every time I feel a little better in myself I start to think about what I've done to my relationship with my wife, and then slip backwards again.
I want to be free of this dark, evil monster that has taken over my life and practically destroyed my relationship. I want to find pleasure in life again, and more importantly I want to rebuild my marriage before I push my wife beyond breaking point and I lose her forever. I don't want to feel depressed anymore, and that life is not worth living. I don't want to feel the guilt for being depressed either (I shouldn't feel depressed, I have a good life, with a steady job, financial stability, a loving wife and a loving family, so why the hell am I depressed?!)
So if anyone has any advice, tips, ideas on how I can do this, please do share!