@LR79 … im afraid i agree with others who say cut and run…you owe it to yourself to find the happiness and fulfilment you desire.
I feel your wife may be getting some sort of satisfaction out of a control complex.
Do you want to be in the same situation in 10 years time with mounting resentment and frustration.
I dont say this lightly as a relationship deserves and should be worth saving, but from what you have related, it looks to have died some time ago.
I wish you all the best for the future.
It’s not too late to find someone else who will not only have sex with you and want kids with you as well , we are older parents and there is nothing wrong with that
There are plenty of ways to meet someone new lots of dating apps nowadays join some local groups ,
You really need to leave she is not interested in any sort of intimate relationship with you especially since she has not made an effort in 4 years .
Im kind of ok…nothings really changed since i last wrote
Still jealous of loads of others who have kids or are soon to have kids, those who have a sex life, those who have women who wear lingerie etc
We were on a holiday cruise for a few days where we talked about how shes a tomboy ie never does nails up nice (she practically cuts hers back to skin) never wears lingerie etc and rarely dresses up for nights out we at times dont even hold hands when out as if warm weather etc she says its too hot to do so
Hence its lonely at home aside from fact she is there ie no intimacy and shes nowhere near as bothered about it as me
In answer to Iwills question about resentment theres a lot of resentment already there not only towards her but also myself for not doing things differently when i was younger as was practically a virgin when i met her at 30 which is a bit embarrassing and probably goes long way to why i feel zero confidence in ever finding anyone else as i am probably crap at sex anyway and why i can’t get on our stay up when putting condoms on although having got used to nil intimacy and not feeling attracted to her at times may also have something to do with that shes not been on any implant or birth control for 4 or 5 years
Someone did say im making excuses which is probably true but I’ve good reasons fir doing so as know i will struggle to find anyone else should we separate i know that for a fact coz dating sites before her weren’t that successful and when i did try to build relationships with women i got to know ot felt like they were repulsed i wanted to be more than friends
And when i say about my age i am pretty sure anyone under 35 is out the question and anyone 35-40 would maybe see me as too old for them?
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This is blunt, just so you’re warned.
So whats the alternative? You stay, unhappy and unattracted to your wife? Without the kids that you want in your life?
You seem to want someone to paint their nails, wear lingerie and present themselves feminine, when thats obviously not your wife. You’re afraid that women won’t find you attractive, but you and your wife don’t seem to find each other attractive. Really there wouldn’t be much change if you left, except you’d have a chance to have the life you want. I fear you’re going to live the rest of your life with regrets, again, there are worse things than being single.
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I can tell you one thing, if your relationship is having so many issues now, having kids certainly won’t improve or fix it. I agree with the person who said you’re making excuses. Maybe you would be happier on your own for now and learn to like yourself and find some self confidence. Unless there’s something you haven’t told us or she she hasn’t told you the relationship seems to have run its course. And I’m also not understanding the bit where you say anyone else you find has to be under 40.
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To clarify its not that i have to find someone under 40…its just wondering realistically what my options would be as not like anyone older than me will want or can indeed have children of course some women in early 40s would want children but some won’t or maybe biologically ie menopause can’t
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I’m not sure why you are so worried about leaving and finding someone else you are basically single now and living with a flatmate you could easily find a normal flatmate and actually have a better more happy friend relationship with with them than you are having now your supposed sexual /life partner who ignores you .
There are plenty of women out there that prefer older men that will still want a family don’t sell yourself short
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I am rather confused but are you wanting to have children or just a lady that dresses up, lingerie and painted nails? Unfortunately I think being honest with you at 45 it may be difficult but not impossible to find a lady under 35. Do you look after yourself, gym fit body, dress well? LR79
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To be honest i think under 35 would be too young anyway so am realistic enough to know that…ive always wanted children since i was child myself…it would be nice if wife was more girlie in that sense but shes not that way…i do go to gym as recently took it up more to keep fit rather than get the muscly bulky body as never been wanting the body builder body
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It sounds like you are happy together other than , no children and no sexual chemistry. Is this right, if so did she ever want children and when you first got together was there the chemistry regarding sex? @LR79 . I am in a sexless marriage but about 20 years older. We are totally devoted and love each other.
I wouldn’t exactly say happy or not entirely as she knows how important having children is to me at the beginning the chemistry was fine but since 2016 when her career and uni came into play so family plans on hold its been frankly dismal and i personally think its not right to have not even started trying for family having been together 15 years marrier for 10 and nor do i think its right our marriage is so sexless but she doesn’t see either issue the way i do
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What outcome are you hoping for from this? I know the majority of the responses are telling you something that you so obviously don’t want to hear/read. Are you just venting? Are you wanting to make changes and need support and encouragement?
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You sound miserable, my friend .
If i were in your position, i would leave everything happens for a reason, and you would definitely find someone else wether it be next week bext year or even 5 gotta be better than your situation.
Wish you luck
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Friend, I was in this position some years back . You really need to get out of this marriage, for both your sakes .
This may sound harsh, but I believe that the fact you are childless is not a bad thing . It makes it less complicated . Your wife doesn’t want children , and that is entirely her right not to .
Will you ever have children ? No one can say , but you owe it to yourself and each other , to end the marriage.
It won’t be easy , it will be the worse time of your life , but , I promise things will get better.
Speak to a solicitor and get legal advice.
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I guess i invited that question didn’t i about what im hoping to achieve…yes i probably am venting but feel empty and lost in this part of my life
But think ultimately at this moment feel like im wanting things like normal people ie some sort of sex life and children but feel like whatever i do im never going to have those things and have multiple reasons for having given up trying to find someone else before i even try
You can mourn your sex life and having kids away, and stay with your current partner.
Or you can move on.
Those are your options, and the choice is yours.
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Hi.
Around 15 years ago I took was in a sexless marriage. We’d had kids but soon after I felt like I was surplus to requirements. All romantic feelings dead.
So… I said to her that I wanted to try swinging and suggested we both go to a club and see if trying something new might reignite the passion.
She declined the offer so I went by myself.
I found she’d purchased a rabbit and some erotic fiction about swinging and other sexual activities. She always asked me how I’d got on that evening, but just if I’d had any luck but not the details.
We mutually agreed to divorce soon after and I stopped going to clubs.
I eventually found a lovely lady who I married a few years after. As far as I am aware my ex hasn’t had sex once since.
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Hello. Firstly I would really like to say well done for putting this on here. I think it takes a huge amount of courage. I do feel however you partner is taking advantage of the fact you have not been with anyone before. I dont get the impression she will change and this feels quite toxic. Clearly you have been kind in approach. I think its marriage counselling but the consideration of the fact you should think about you. Its real important to love yourself and follow your dreams.
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