Sexless marriage

[LR79]

Hi all

Out of desperation i am posting on here while facing up to another sleepless night frustrated

I am a 45 year old male, been married for 10.5 years and together 15 years with my wife who is soon to be 41

We have had sex once since july 2021 that occasion was back in May but her response to that was to freak out and get the morning after pill the following day which being frank has put me off intimacy with her (and told her this in a recent argument)

A lot of our troubles are down to the fact we have not yet started a family as ive wanted one since i was kid myself not convinced she does given we havent started yet she decided few years ago she wanted to go to university for career as nurse latest promise is maybe march or April to try but given nil intimacy going on and been waiting so long am not convinced

And i struggle with staying hard using condoms with her not being on any birth control

What makes it worse is shes not that bothered about the fact our marriage is sexless as she caught me looking up a facebook group about sexless marriage a while ago and she was either insulted i felt that way or was taking the mick out of me for looking it up

In addition to this when i said the last tine we had been intimate prior to that time in May was july 2021 she had no clue it had been so long…to say im sexually frustrated is understatement of the century

And its probably a mixture of resentment of her because we still haven’t had family and fear we’ve left it too late re our ages and that resentment is turning into not being attracted to her

She would never wear any sexy lingerie or underwear etc i might as well try getting blood out of a stone…even something lacy or a different colour would be something but shes plain white or black only (and have to respect her preferences i guess) so am jealous/envious of those who have partners they are intimate with and who wear stuff like thst

Most of you are probably thinking we should separate but shes only girl ive ever been with so have no confidence of ever finding someone else be it my age, looks, lack of sexual experience and am incapable of approaching or making move on anyone coz of lack of confidence

So the only pleasure i get is solo ie mastirbating or fantasizing (and lot of those times its about others) i usually do this when shes asleep or if im at home alone

She will ask if i masturbate and if i tell her i have she gets in huff with me and if i say i havent she also gets in a huff with me

Basically feel like i cant win and am looking for things im never going to have

[MsSubExperimenter]

Welcome to the forum @LR79.

I’m really sorry to hear of the situation you’re in. Having not been in the same position, I can’t offer any particular insight but I know communication is key, both ways.

If your wife isn’t interested in talking or compromise, it might be worth having a serious think about if you want to continue in the relationship.

There are plenty of people out there who would want the same things as you, it might just take some adjustment after being in a long term relationship.

I’m sure other forum members will be able to offer more

[JustAnotherPervert]

Beside couples councelling, the only thing i can think is that one can be happier alone than in poor company.

[AJ82]

You haven’t had sex in 4 years and you think this is salvagable? That ship sailed a long time ago.

I take it you expressed a desire for a family early on and her response was to back to school for a career? You’re not having kids, ever.

Time to wake up and smell the dead bed coffee.

Get out, run while you’re young enough to have kids with someone who gives a shit about.

Out of curiousity for the “Communicate” crowd, how long is it before that tired cliche is worn out? 4 years in a dead marriage but couselling or communication will fix it? When will even you admit it’s gone too far.

[JGood]

Welcome @LR79

That’s a real stinker of a situation you are in and while it’s only one side of the conversation we are hearing, it’s one the forum has heard with more frequency and it’s heart breaking to know you are going through this.

While we will be reiterating what has been said in many topics one person can never cover all the possibilities. So I suggest you look for a few topics other members have talked in as well. But there goes

Things that could have caused this situation.

Covid - social distancing and the lockdowns caused a shift in people’s attitudes

Health - menopause (early onset or just at the time, 41 years of age is a possibility)

Lack of communication - it takes both parties touching base with each other to have a firm footing and work together as a team.

Marriage counselling- mediation and a fresh perspective to help iron out the bumps you find

Divorce keeps getting the least mentioned it depends on if your are both wanting to be a team together against everything and everyone else and the way you have described the relationship so far it doesn’t seem so.

Here’s a few links to other conversations so you can chat to those who are going through similar things.

Twice in one year

Hi again everyone, I posted back in June/July about the lack of sex life (once in 6 months) with my long term partner (talked about it, she doesn’t want to feel pressured, and nothing changed) so I decided to absolutely not pressure her so no sexual comments, no ‘hilarious’ sex one-liners, and when (on the rare occasion) we were in bed together I made zero moves/suggestions and waited for her to make the first move. Zero sex/sexual things from June onwards not even on …

Looking for ideas

Hey, really new to this and need ideas to get a better sex life x

And there are more each week.

[JoCat]

Hi there, going off what you’ve said I’m really sorry to tell you what you likely already know, but your wife doesn’t want to have sex or kids. She freaked out and got the morning after pill and before that it was 3 years that you last had sex. She doesn’t want to have sex or kids, and thats fine, she doesn’t have to, but she should’ve said it clearly with words, because in the nicest possible way, you’re not taking her inactions, as the massive hint that it is.

The disrespectful behaviour about the group you found is not acceptable. We don’t know how your communication has been with her, so it could be mirrored for all we know. But still, that should’ve opened the conversation, not closed it off.

Being single isn’t the worst thing, its very peaceful and I have much better sex than when I was in relationships.

[papilio]

Hello and welcome to the forum

It seems to me that your problem is a lack of communication and the fact that she feels pressured to get pregnant may have a lot to do with it.

If I understand correctly, the more you ask her to have a child, the more she distances herself and it has been a hellish spiral?

Don’t get me wrong, but you have to understand that having a child is a decision made by both of you, and if your wife doesn’t say no, apparently she never felt ready either (that’s why she took the morning after pill). Keep in mind that at her age it will be a high-risk pregnancy.

She promised you anyway that it would be this year - will she have finished her degree by then? Have you ever considered adoption as an option?

A 15 years relationship is a long time, if you still love her, you two should sit down and talk honestly because, talking about breaking up is always easy, finding someone to have a serious relationship with afterwards is another story.

Edit: typo

[CurvyJilly]

There are lots of single women out there for you to meet and you can start again…you’re not too old to become a father.

It sounds like she doesn’t want children and is enjoying a career now…maybe she changed her mind…which she is entitled to but could have let you know.

But maybe is a massive umbrella it could be a variety of reasons…one big one…lots of small ones…who knows? We don’t know the full story.

The fact is you’re unhappy and it’s a basic human need to feel loved…be loved and to want a sex life with your partner…which you’re not getting.

If you feel it’s done then split…there are no children involved so it’s easier than if there was…I don’t know how your finances are…but a bit worse off financially is better than being miserable for the rest of your life.

One life…live it.

Good Luck
And hugs…

[JoCat]

@JGood

Health - menopause (early onset or just at the time, 41 years of age is a possibility)

Menopause always gets thrown out there for women that don’t want to have sex. Menopause is typically around the ages of 45-55, but of course there are anomalies. She wouldn’t have went running like Linford Christie for the morning after pill if she was in menopause! There are various reasons women might not want to have sex with their partners.

[TruthSeeker12345]

The next time she asks you about masturbation, you should ask her if she is interested in mutual masturbation. Sex therapists recommend it for building intimacy. For more about mutual masturbation, go to YouTube; and search for:

WHAT IS MUTUAL MASTURBATION & HOW TO DO IT

This should bring up Helena Nista’s video about mutual masturbation.

[JGood]

I could mention male menopause too

But it does get mentioned a lot you are right. And I apologise if I’m coming across sounding like a one trick pony I’m not meaning too. A woman of 41 can still go for the morning after pill and still get pregnant even if they are or are not experiencing the first signs of the condition

I’m also fully aware of a many, many reasons why a woman would not, can not, or does not want sex with their partner. Again we are not in possession of all the facts from both sides. I unfortunately stated a few that were in my head at the time.

You are also correct that most women go through this between the age of 45-55 but there are health conditions, autoimmune responses that can trigger it and preconditions can start as early as your 30’s.

If I could have one wish it would be that women never had to face this trial in life.

But I promise not to bring it into the conversation of topics again and I hope you except my apology if I caused ill feelings.

[Craig1234]

Helloooooo,

Sorry tonhear your frustrations which i can understand.

Im guessing youve had many conversations with your wife, for me if your unhappy its time to move on. I divorced in my late 30’s and remarried in my 40’s as thry say theres plemty of fish in the sea.

Regarding too late for a family theres plenty of older dads out there even my wifes ex is becoming a dad next month at 51.

Time is too short to be unhappy

[Wurger]

Mrs W here …

Hi @LR79 welcome and hope you get some good advice here and enjoy the Forum, Love xx

[JoCat]

Theres no apology needed and theres no ill feelings. Its always one of the first things that men come up with, that it must be hormonal, so thats why I said. And it is something that can affect libido, 100% it can but its not the only thing. Its obviously more of an indication in someone who has had a high libido that has now decreased and in the scenario we’re discussing, thats not been mentioned, only that its coming up to having one sexual encounter in 4 yrs. If they were at it like rabbits and now they’re not, then I’d agree that a conversation that includes (peri) menopause may be necessary for more than just the libido side of it.

This isn’t only directed at you @JGood, you just happened to be the one that mentioned its but I’m sure more of the same comments will come.

[ABigCat]

Hi there,

I can only offer empathy, I know exactly how you feel. I’m in a very similar situation myself. It’s hard when you love someone and want to be with them, yet they don’t care about or even understand the primal need you have for sex. I’d never leave my wife either, and it must be so hard for you with the situation being all mixed up with the need for children too. The only comfort I’ve found is from one counsellor who bluntly told me not to keep chasing something that’s not going to happen. They suggested I focus on the other positives in our marriage. Have you heard of the relationship triangle? The ideal relationship involves commitment, closeness and sexual passion. The good news is that a relationship can work if any two of those are met. For us, possibly you too, this means we can let ourselves accept there won’t be sex in the relationship between us. It’s not ideal but it’s doable. BUT. That doesn’t mean you have to supress your sexual side. This counsellor suggested making sex something special I can do for myself, using toys if needs be and setting time aside for proper “me time”. Not just a quick wank, they suggested I seduce myself, treat myself, the way I might my partner. It felt weird and very self indulgent at first, but now that’s passed I find it a very useful way to deal with the frustration that otherwise can build and build and can really badly effect my mental state. It acts like a safety valve. I even plan for it, so I have it to look forward to. BTW I don’t tell my wife about this me time. Like your partner it seems, she’d have a massive shitfit about it (she says I think she’s a sexual failure, and would see me as rubbing her nose in it.) Also the counsellor suggested I treat even ethical porn with caution as it can create a need as much as satisfy. That’s a once a month treat for me at most.

Overall, it’s not ideal, but it kind of works and I’m not such a grouch around the house any more at least. I feels great to try and take control of the situation if nothing else, and not be a victim to it. Funnily enough hassling my wife less for sex has even brought us closer physically, we kiss and cuddle much more now. Who knows where it might lead?

Sorry if this is a lecture, I just wanted to let you know what helped me. I hope it helps you too.

Best of luck!

BC

[LR79]

Hi all

Firstly thanks for all the replies so far - read some while struggling to sleep last night through the night - lot to digest and i will reply to the points made as i go (or try to)

Couples counselling is something I have suggested more than once only to be shot down with her either saying “it won’t make a difference” or implying that doing counselling means the marriage is done - so i just keep quiet (as usual) about that and the baby thing - life would 100% be easier if i didn’t want children or if it wasn’t so important for me would mean i am less jealous/envious of others

When we have tried to talk re the baby thing especially it just ends up in arguments which i hate as dont do confrontation so its best i just keep stum about how i am truly feeling

Basically the scenario was in 2016 2 years after we married was when she said she wanted to do college/uni re her nursing qualification/career - at that point she promised me once qualified she’d be in a job for 2 years or so then we would try - she qualified fully in 2019 - and hear we are start of 2025 and still not started trying - see my point

The latest promise is to try march/april time as she just changed job (which she was in all 2024) so wants to get the 3 month probation done first but i almost expect her either to say she enjoys job too much and doesn’t want to give it up or doesn’t like where she is and wants to move on again delaying plans yet again

and as people have said being intimate once in 3 and half years is hardly encouraging signs - babies dont happen without it do they anyone knows that

hence coming on here was a desperate stab and has probably in a way made me feel worse - knowing plenty have good sex lives and have what they want or desire ie partner wearing lingerie etc - getting my wife to wear anything like that? theres more chance of me winning Miss World to be quite honest

thing is i am petrified to try starting again as feel like i’m too old (ie no girl under 40 would be intrerested) and am ashamed about how little experience i have sex wise, when i met her in 2009 i had only had 2 1 month relationships prior - only 1 of those had intimacy and both ended with them cheating on me - so most of my sexual experience has been solo - its so bad i don’t even know the feeling of a BJ as it does nothing for me on the occasions my wife has tried which ends with her saying how shes never known a bloke not to enjoy one etc (which just makes me feel all the more ashamed and like a freak who is crap at sex) so have given up trying to find anyone else before i even start because of all this and the insults in younger days about my looks which cut deep - i have a nightmare scenario in my mind where i’ve tried speed dating to do something out my comfort zone only to find the results of the night are no one liking me its awful i am literally incapable of approaching anyone for fear of rejection (as used to a lifetime of them)

The finances thing is a little complicated as we have an asset in our house which we bought 3 years ago plus my parents live 30 miles from us (as do hers) and by the time finances are divided up with divorce etc fear not having much to show for it which in turn will further put down hopes of finding anyone else

[Craig1234]

Money is only 1 tick in the box, happiness goes a lot further …

Youd be surprised younger ladies do like older men …

Make a list of positives and negatives for staying / leaving and then look at them and see which wins …

If your not happy and just co-existing its time to pull the plug …

[AJSTAR]

Big hugs to you sir, sounds like your both on different pages and are in need of a real talk together about things and sorting out if having a family is something she truly wants as much as you do…

I’d maybe recommend some couples counselling might be a good way forward to have you both talk on neutral grounds…

[AJ82]

No girl under 40 would be interested? Um…you’re 45, just what exactly is your age range?

As for the rest of your post, you’re making excuses.

There’s no age limit to finding a good relationship.

It shouldn’t have taken coming to a message board for a sex company to make you aware that people out there have good, adventurous sex lives.

Women, last I checked, don’t use past sexual experience as a box ticking exercise. Fun fact, every woman is different, meet a new woman and learn what works for her.

You’ve been cheated on in the past and lied to, hell i’d call it betrayed by this one.

Stay, go. It’s your choice.

I know where I’d be going.

[CurvyJilly]

Hope you’re ok @LR79