She doesnt seem into it

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi,

Just looking for a bit of help, ive been with my gf for about 5 years and we have always had sex quite regularly, so no problems with the amount, just the quality.

I always try and make it enjoyable for her, so try not to come to quick, but she just says she wants me to come quickly as thats what she likes. Now to me that sounds like she wants it over and done with, which i have told her, but she says thats not the reason.

Now i have made her come a few times, can probably count on one hand, she says she finds it difficult and that shes not even bothered about coming. I just get feeling she is just saying these things just for my benefit.

To be honest im just not enjoying it, yeah i get my rocks off, but its just boring, maybe it is for her too , i dunno.

When we are having sex she doesnt do anything, rarely goes on top as she feels self concious. even though i tell how good she looks. She certainly would ride me, which i would love, although i havnt asked, she just likes me to do all the work.

She is quite submissive i suppose and likes me to take control, which i do but i just dont get any feedback, sometimes the odd sound, but it doesnt sound enthusiastic.

She gives me amazing blowjobs, but on the other hand she doesnt like me returning the favour, it just makes her uncomfortable.

We have had an argument about it, as i just get frustrated with her lack of enthusiam, shes not very experienced and i think finds it hard to talk about. Maybe its my fault, maybe its me thats the problem, im starting to worry that we are not compatible, but i suppose thats something i shoudlnt have left until now to worry about.

I do love her, but this really bothers me.

Anyone got any similar experiences or just some advice on where to go from here?

2

Hey, talk to her or maybe write it down what u like n her do the same n swap... ask her what she likes and if or why she dont enjoy u returning the favour of oral.. past experiences can put u off speaking from experience unfortunately. ? But me n my new bf have great communication and thats why its working it loves it when I tell him what I want and like your mrs I dont have great confidence but I find on top I can controk what I like n where I want his hands ... others may have more tips

Communtcation is key :)

3

First of all, did you pick up your bedroom technique skills from porn? Because I have to say, your woman is probably speaking the truth in that she wants you to cum quicker, but a lot of men think we want longer, harder and faster. (Some do, some don't) I had an ex who mastered the art of holding back and banging away for hours and oh it was boring (and sore!) I mean, you admitted it yourself, you want to see her orgasm, you want to see her lose control with wild abandon and be orgasming all over the place (I imagine) so why would you assume your woman just wants it to be over with, when she asks for the same thing?

See, I dunno about other women, but if my guy cums quickly, or even seems to be struggling to control himself, THAT is arousing. It makes me feel like "omg I am so hot he can't resist!" lol. If on the otherhand he is just thrusting in and out like some sweaty metronome, concentrating on not cumming and therefore not making any sounds or anything....boring imo. Maybe I am biased, because quick orgasms turn me on and they turn me on wayyyyyy more than long sessions, where I just get sore. I don't know your woman, or her reasons why she says "cum quick" but I do know it is a passion of mine, so much so I seek it. Maybe your woman is the same as me, maybe she doesnt like sex, maybe its another reason.

Also, I am with a guy now who is a giver. Like you, he would happily spend hours pleasing me. The problem is, womens arousal is, for the most part, psychological. Its all in the head, in other words....and therefore if I want to be SUPER aroused, I need to see and hear how turned on my partner is. I need to have all these images in my head of him moaning or writhing or....whatever, but if he just jumps straight on me, touching, massaging, licking...the works...that is physical stimulation, not pyschological stimulation and so I am having to try and rev up my arousal based on stimulation that is secondary. Based on stimulation that I would not have chosen myself. See, I am a giver too. I NEED to have thoughts and images and sounds and basically all the stuff I can build thoughts and fantasies around. None of this comes from him touching or pleasuring me, (Him pleasuring me physically is like the thing I want AFTER i am aroused with pyschological things) so it actually comes from me pleasuring him...watching him get off, seeing him in the throes of pleasure. Maybe your lady needs this too and although you are trying to please her, it might be the wrong angle your going for. You might find that she is most aroused and turned on by pleasing you first, to get the thoughts going.

She gives amazing blowjobs: Do you need any more proof that your woman is a pleaser, seeking out pleasuring you first, to get aroused herself? I love giving my partner blow jobs and anything else that will drive him wild. This turns me on so much more than him going down on me. Of course, by the time I have given hi a blow job, or any other extreme pleasure....I am so READY for him to please me at that point. If he starts on me...it takes much longer to get worked up.

On top of all this, if she is not very experienced, she will feel very shy about coming forward and telling you her wants and needs. I think she has started (telling you she likes you to cum quick etc), but this is a slow process that we all take, gradually coming out of our shells over our sexual lifetime. You can encourage, talk positively (avoid arguing about it or negativity) and she may come through more.

When I was younger, i found it very difficult to cum in front of a partner. I think it is generally harder (and takes longer) for women anyway and when we are laying there receiving all this attention, we can end up having negative thoughts (I'm taking too long, hes gunna be bored etc) and it really does stop us relaxing enough to get there. Ive had periods of anorgasmia since my early days because as I said above, womens arousal is very much a pyschological thing and our thoughts can be the thing that gets us there, or stops it altogether) All I can suggest is reassure her often how much you love pleasuring her and ask her to guide you. Ask questions, does that feel good? Do you prefer it harder? etc. If she doesnt know....then she probably has little experience masturbating herself and you should encourage her to try that, alone (it helps take the pressure off) and as she learns about her body, she can teach you.

This is getting long. Im gunna cut it here. I hope this helps a little!

4

Hi HBS. Great thoughts from Fluffy. She is a mazing but I know what you are referring too. I have been married for 25 yrs at the start it was very simular to your self. Communication is the key but not just talking but showing and leading.

It has taken me years to build up my wife's confidence and to get her to enjoy her body. It is possible but it doesn't happen overnight. Through talking and watching it became very apparent to me that my wife's upbringing was the root cause of repression. Her mother is a prude and has some very sad ideas about sex. She had over the years told my wife it's dirty and watch out for men they only want one thing.

To give you one example my wife had been taught that her pussy was dirty and you shouldn't play with it. So why would I want to go down on her. After many sessions she asked me why I would i do it because it did nothing for her. We had the start of our journey start right there by me telling her I wasn't doing it for her, i was doing it for me because I liked it. My wife was and still is a very maternal and giving woman and somewhat submissive. Her idea of making me happy was you can do whatever you want to me and I will be happy. This is wonderful that they will give their body but for me I wanted her mind as well and for her to want it for herself.

5

Great points fluffy n gg, yeah your mental mind cant play a big part in sex for a woman .. definitely does for me and ask her about her past and maybe she'll just open up... best of luck anyways x

6

I was exactly like this not long ago, I felt like I didn't know how to have sex or cum. I was so uncomfortable around my ex, he took my virginity and I must not have made a sound or an expression because he seemed really confused after, it's all about relaxing around your partner but it's something she has to do on her own mind, the best thing you can do is not make a big deal about it, she probably knows when you have sex you're wanting more than she's comfortable with which will make her uncomfortable. Does she like mastubating?

7

Thanks for all the replies.

I do understand the whole "omg I am so hot he can't resist!" thing but what i cant understand is her saying that she doesnt care about having an orgasm, it just seems to go against everything i thought women wanted.

I do try different positions to try and make things interesting, rather than just humping away, but in the end i suppose it is me just humping away. Maybe your all right about the whole mental thing and i will have to take a different approach.

Blowjobs normally only happen when she is on her period, although she says it turns her on to do it, so maybe i need bring that in before sex or going down on her. Only problem with that is i get so turned on with the blowjob part i tend not last very long with the actual intercourse.

As i said i have made her come, but only with my fingers during sex, last time was a couple of years ago now, when i do the same thing now she tends to pull my hand away.

She has said she has masturbated, so i assume she still does, she used to have a toy but threw it away as she said she doesnt need it anymore now she is with me, so i assume she uses her fingers.

She is on birth control and doestn get wet anymore because of this, so maybe that is a factor?

8

Try getting some lube and a small wand vibrator, we have http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=24632 it's tiny so she might not be daunted by it, that's what I started my man off with. I feel like it's all about her not wanting to enjoy sex, if you introduce her to different aspects of it she may find something that she really loves. The fact she now pushes your hand away shows she really doesn't want to cumwhich honestly confuses me, I never wanted my partner to try and make me cum because it was frustrating that it couldn't cum and felt too much pressure. I hate to say this but I don't think there's much you can do, it's something she has to decide on her own, just give her options, she has to understand that just because she doesn't need something it doesn't mean you don't, there has to be compromise so you're both content

9

Have you tried massages? I find that a really slow build up works best. Start with non sexual areas (shoulders, back etc.), then move on to bum and thighs and get close to, but don't touch, sexual areas until she's obviously turned on. And use massage oil/candles.

I've just realised that I've been really prudish on a sex forum, so tits, vagina, clitoris - you get the picture.

10

StHubbins wrote:

Have you tried massages? I find that a really slow build up works best. Start with non sexual areas (shoulders, back etc.), then move on to bum and thighs and get close to, but don't touch, sexual areas until she's obviously turned on. And use massage oil/candles.

I've just realised that I've been really prudish on a sex forum, so tits, vagina, clitoris - you get the picture.

Awesome idea! It'll make her relax and feel more comfortable and open to try things. This is how I got my partner to let me play with his bum :)

11

We do use lube, its the only way we can have sex, we always have even when she used to get wet otherwise she gets sore.

We have a bullet vibrator, not really explored with it though, think i will try the massage then maybe bring the vibrator in after. Just hope she doesnt think im trying too hard!

12

StHubbins idea is really good.
Once i put my OH in situation you're in now (well it ended a little bit more than a month ago and i did not had any toys, i just was happy without sex). I didn't meant to do that and it wasn't on purpose, it just happened. And all the pressure turned me off even more.
I'd say go for massage, but reassure her that you don't expect anything more and mean it. Even if she wants to watch her TV , do it while she's watching it. She'll be more relaxed. If it wont end up with sex, don't be upset- you can stay with her and have a cuddles or if you're tired just kiss her lovingly goodnight and go to bed. I think she'll be surprised and if you wont succeed this time, dont give up. Try it again and again and if she'll feel that you really dont expect anything more, if she wont feel any pressure she'll turn up for sex again.

13

Had another talk about it, she actually said "i dont mind sex". To me that sounds like she is tolerating it, which i told her, then she tried to backtrack a bit. She said every woman she has talked to said the mindset is "oh go here we go, sex again" like it just something women just have to do?

14

It's something I have to do in the sense that if I don't I'm a horny ball of crazy! I feel like a lot of women give this vibe off too, I have no idea why, I wish I could help, it sounds like she doesn't enjoy sex but isn't willing to experiment and find a part of sex she loves. It sounds like you're doing everything right but she just can't be bothered to try

15

I was like this when I lost my sex drive.

It took me a long time to get it back.

I actually think now im overwhelming my hubby with constantly buying new things off here and even sayin "oh we have a new toy coming to test dear" lmao!

But if you asked him I bet hed say he has a new wife and loves it!

I used to have the same opnion on sex. And sometimes longer lasting is annoying. WHenever I want it over he seems to last longer and when im close to orgasm he seems to finish too soon!

And sometimes Im just too tired for sex. What with three dogs two kids and a house and part time job yes im knackered sometimes!

16

If she's on hormonal birth control this could definitely be a factor. Obviously I'm not saying 'make her stop!' but perhaps have a conversation with her about how she felt before being on birth control vs now. If she's concerned this might be a contributing factor then her doctor should be able to help.

Personally I can't use hormones as it makes me so down it eventually kills my sex drive.

17

Your situation sounds like mine, we've been together 19 years, have two kids and she has a serious illness so is tired most of the time.

Sex can be earth shattering, or "just add water", but she never makes a sound, never initiates, never says what she wants etc...

We've talked about it lots over the years, and while sex is a core part of any relationship, it's not the only thing. I think I've spent too much time worrying about what was wrong with our sex life and ignoring all the other good stuff we have going on. Frankly, I'm lucky she's still healthy enough to live a reasonably normal life.

Here's some advice you wont hear on this place very often... Be selfish. What I mean is, consider what you want from your relationship. Forget the PC, right on, "media think", right way to do things, and think entirely about what you will be happy with. Better to make a tough decision now if you're not happy, than to put up with a situation and always wish it was better.

Oh, and smile ;-)