I introduced my wife to orgasms. Before me she had never experienced one, and her first came from oral sex. Over time I also taught her to have blended orgasms during PIV sex by stimulating her clitoris simultaneously, which was a genuine breakthrough for her.
We’d love to explore whether she can get there without clitoral stimulation. Not as a replacement for what works, just to know she can experience it and to share that together.
She has actually come close using a dildo without clitoral stimulation, which suggests it might be physically possible for her. But translating that into PIV sex has been the challenge.
The problem is she’s now so conditioned to clitoral stimulation during sex that she finds it almost impossible to try without it. The guaranteed orgasm is right there and letting go of that for something uncertain is hard for her psychologically.
We’ve thought about building her up with clitoral stimulation and stopping just before orgasm to see if PIV alone can finish it, but we’re worried about ruining the orgasm entirely and making her even more resistant to trying again.
One personal note - we’ve shared every sexual first together and I’d love for this one to also be with me rather than with a toy, even if she uses the dildo afterwards. I know that might sound selfish but it comes from that place of having built everything together. Does it even make sense to feel this way?
Has anyone navigated this successfully? What approaches actually worked?
Looking for honest experience, not just reassurance.
I don’t want to be that woman, but I’m going to be that woman - most women require clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm. Is it possible to orgasm without it? Yes, absolutely, but don’t put pressure on yourselves to manage it. You’ve found what works, you both enjoy sex, and honestly? That’s the best part. You’re also both worried about ruining an orgasm by trying, so why risk it? I don’t mean this as reassurance, it’s just facts: it would be wrong for me to act like clitoral stimulation is entirely optional when it’s often not.
Your wife isn’t “conditioned” to clitoral stimulation; she’s found what works for her in the same way that men find rubbing the glans of their penis helps them orgasm too. She’s found what brings her pleasure - good for her.
Does it make sense to feel the way you do? Yes, but listen: you’re both having orgasms together and you’ve both found what works for you. I’ll say this again: most women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Sex without clitoral stimulation is not an achievement, if anything, it can be a recipe for disappointment if she can’t achieve an orgasm. Why try and fix what isn’t broken?
I’ve only ever had “mini-gasms” from sex without clitoral stimulation. I’ve had pleasure, sure, but I haven’t climaxed from it. Like your wife, I also need oral to get me off. It just is what it is.
Why does this matter to you both to have sex without clitoral stimulation? I’m just curious.
If you had a football (soccer) team that was winning games but only scoring with strikers and wingers you would never say “Look I know we are winning all our games but we are not getting any goals out of our Defensive Midfielders. Lets change up play and maybe trade away some strikers.”
If this is something she really wants to try, the best option is to continue trying via sex toys rather than during PIV sex.
PIV sex often gives a relatively short window for her to orgasm, which is fine when clitoral stimulation is involved because her body is used to orgasming that way, but to try and orgasm for the first time by a completely different method, that’s going to be much harder to do quickly (and then the negative mind set kicks in and it becomes a mental block).
Using a toy means that together you can experiment with angles, speed, pressure etc without the constraints of your erection lasting.
A few things to try:
her having an orgasm first and making this round 2
Edging her
Using blended stimulation but stopping the clitoral stimulation before she orgasms
Distracting her mind. Use other sensations at the same time whilst using a toy inside her (might work better with a thrusting toy or something she can bounce on). This could be porn, dirty talk, sensation play, nipple stimulation etc
@Tenshadesandme@RKat I think that the dildo getting her 99% there is what set it off. I don’t mind if something or someone can theoretically do it better, but i don’t like the situation when you can’t do it at all and someone and something else can.
Plus I forced her to have her first piv orgasm in a sens. She was dead set on not rubbing her clitoris thinking she just can’t orgasm at all except if masturbating alone. I did it for her and she has been hooked since, doesn’t really even want oral anymore.
She has it in her to do it, and it will also change the way she sees herself (she felt broken when i met her) but the thing is that in this situation she needs to not be passive for it to happen.
I don’t like to speak for woman and their experiences. But at the same time this circulated information that women can’t reliably orgasm from piv or not even at all feels false to me.
My belief is that women can’t orgasm or reliably orgasm with their PARTNER. Most of them probably could if they had a partner that could bring the physical size and generate the amount of arousal needed to go over the woman’s threshold.
It’s experience from people, I’ve never made my Mrs orgasm from just PIV, even her on top provides clitoral stimulation and that’s the only time she cums without a vibe or any other stimulation from either of us. I’m a bloke so can’t speak for the Mrs or anyone else but I’m just pleased I CAN make her orgasm. If anything I’m annoyed if I do and she doesn’t so I almost always prioritise her pleasure before mine.
Don’t stress about trying to achieve PIV orgasms if it happens, ace good for you, if not as the old saying goes, there’s more than a new way to skin a cat
To add to what others have said, it is a documented fact that the majority of women need clitoral stimulus to reach orgasm, period. Now, that is not to say she will not at some times cum just from PIV sex, but it is not a reliable means of attaining orgasm. There have been times, after my wife and I were together for a number of years, where, in the act of intercourse she orgasmed just from penetration. There may have been variables like an extended amount of foreplay, and not have having had sex for a number of days prior so the arousal level was higher. Even miniscule changes in position, depth of penetration, speed, a change of setting like being on holiday, using lube, all those things affect the sensations which drive the libido. And don’t forget hormonal changes, a key driver for women especially. While it is admirable you have helped her to have her first orgasm. Making it a crusade to getting it done through penetration alone may be a challenge that just puts stress on the whole mechanism of sexual response. And stress will absolutely wreck a good sexual response, nearly everyone here will echo that. Just be a kind and generous lover, she will appreciate that more than anything. Enjoy your sexual journey together. And if the magic happens, put a gold star on that day, and enjoy it for a moment. Love her and cherish your relationship, that is the most important thing. Have fun, good luck.
You kind of contradict yourself here. You say you don’t mind “theoretically”, yet you say you don’t like it when something can do it and you can’t. So you do mind, and really, that’s okay, but let’s be honest about that.
I have a dildo that 9.5", it’s never made me orgasm by itself. Size is not the precursor to a guaranteed orgasm, sorry to break it to you.
Depth can work, but usually, when my husband takes me over the edge from sex alone, the depth and pelvic contact is such that there is clitoral stimulation anyway, just not with his fingers or tongue.
Its great your partner is experiencing orgasms, it is not unussual for ladies not to orgasm via PIV and would just be grateful she was having it with PIV and clit stimulation.
Just a quick reply men & women are all different in ways that bring them to orgasm, it’s all about trying things out that works for your body. Focusing on a particular way to orgasm is probably not helping and is emotional stressing, and that doesn’t help in being relaxed.
But it sounds like you’re focused only on the internal part of the clitoris? The clitoris doesn’t work like that. It’s like her playing with your balls and leaving the head of your penis alone - it’s incredibly frustrating after a while.
I mean, by definition a PIV orgasm has to come from your penis, that’s what the P stands for.
However, I stand by what I said, it’s a little unrealistic for a first vaginal/g spot/a spot orgasm to come from PIV sex, especially when she is used to orgasming from clitoral stimulation. Orgasms are a learnt thing, so when learning a new way to orgasm, it takes time. I don’t just mean practice, I mean the amount of time your penis is in her vagina each time you have sex. The amount of time you can stay hard is a finite amount and that puts a time limit and therefore a pressure to orgasm within a certain time.
If you are against toys for this, your fingers would work. The best way to do this is to get her aroused and then explore exactly where the spots she likes are. Once you find that, vary pressure, speed, thrust depth and finger motion (swirl, tap, stroke, press etc). See what she likes. Spend the time, with no pressure to orgasm, just enjoy the sensations and it may happen in time
It may or may not be possible for your wife to reach orgasm from penetration alone without additional clitoral stimulation. To give yourself the best chance, you need to invest in foreplay so that she’s already fairly close to orgasm at the point of penetration. A tingling/cooling lube or orgasm gel/balm will probably help you here.
When you do penetrate her, choose a position such that your pubic bone and/or penis can rub against her clitoris. Perhaps try the coital alignment technique, missionary with a pillow or wedge under her hips or her on top (possibly with a pillow or wedge under your hips). Listen to what she wants, but you may find that grinding against her works better than thrusting in and out. Shallow penetration may work better than deep penetration given that the majority of the nerve endings are in the outer third of the vagina.
It’s easier said than done, but don’t try too hard. Relax as much as possible.
I’m not reading everyone elses replies as my teas just gone on the table but ..
aa/ we’re all different and all work differently.
a/ what @Tenshadesandme said about most women needing clitoral.
b/ G-Spot stimulation might be enough on its own. That might certainly provide a surprise to you both! Put a towel down.
c/ I’ve heard told in old tomes and whispered in dark corners, of a thing called a cervical orgasm. So if you’re long enough you can very gently stimulate her cervix and with luck, perseverance and a good north wind, you can blow her cotton socks off. ( the c-spot )
d/ just in front of the cervix, on the top wall, is the a-spot .. I’ve no idea what that does. It might be a nipple for changing oil.
e/ and if you miss the hole you were aiming for, anal orgasms are very much a thing. You might also want a towel. An old one.
f/ as are nipple orgasms.
but as I said, we’re all different and all work in different ways, so non of this is guaranteed.
