So ... a biggie

Sex Tips & Talk
21

You could ask if he would like photos / videos of yourself enjoying him on your ipad / phone, take sexy pics / videos of your sessions and you could then engage in sexting?

He may be feeling hurt that you have had a different type of connection with your ex-lover, one that he hasn't had with you (?) and its the idea of visual stimulation along with the sexy messages that he now needs to disassociate with your ex lover and perhaps associate some positive thoughts to?

I won't say whether or not I'd forgive and move past if Mrs Sen ever strayed, its not happened and whilst I can theorise about how I would likely feel, until it actually happened, no one can really be sure. I'd certainly want full and frank disclosure about everything so that nothing was left to my imagination. If I discovered anything after the initial disclosure, it would certainly cast a lot of doubt about what else I wasn't being told.

22

As a cuck, this kind of chat is very erotic. And he seemed to like it as a fantasy before he saw what he was competing against!!!

23

I don't wish to do in to detail but I have not said what my husband did. There certainly is no element of tit or tat and I am certainly not boasting nor enjoying this. But the slightly misogynistic tone which assumes that what I did was worse than anything my husband could have done is unfair, I have to say.

24

The impression I am getting is that neither of you have actually truly 'forgiven' the others behaviour. I have to agree that couples counseling is likely to be the best chance of working through this. You might say that you forgave your partner and that he said he had forgiven you but hadn't but he has been confronted with new information or detail that could well be causing him to re-evaluate his feelings about what happened.

I don't agree that the comments are misogynistic and I have strong feminist values, maybe the tone is a little harsh in places but given that as you point out we don't know what your partner did, we can only go by the fact you chose to stay rather than remove yourself from whatever situation you were in, and most most we can't imagine anything worse in this situation than being cheated on (which you have said your partner didn't do but you did) and this would be the same regardless of the sex/gender of the cheating partner, I don't think it has anything to do with you being the female and no-one is suggesting they would have responded any differently if the roles were reversed.

25

Alison, cheating is hurtful to a partner regardless of gender you are.

26

Not ignoring you rjhsteel but not sure what to say. It's not a cuckold/hotwife fantasy thing for him, I know that.

27

I am not a misogynist. I couldn't care less that you are female. I would make the same comments to a male. The fact is YOU cheated on your husband and it is YOU who kept photos of yourself perfuming various sexual acts on/ with your bit of fluff.

You then come to a relatively public forum telling us about your lover and express annoyance that your husband is reading your messages. To me it seems there is a disconnect.

28

AmyA wrote:

The impression I am getting is that neither of you have actually truly 'forgiven' the others behaviour. I have to agree that couples counseling is likely to be the best chance of working through this. You might say that you forgave your partner and that he said he had forgiven you but hadn't but he has been confronted with new information or detail that could well be causing him to re-evaluate his feelings about what happened.

Totally agree with this. It sounds like both you you have done things that have upset and hurt the other. This needs to be talked about otherwise it will fester. At least in a couple's counselling environment you have a neutral third party. To me its kind of irrelevant what your husband did, its not a competition to see who was "worse", the fact is that things have happened that you as a couple wish to move on from. One thing I would say is delete those photos and messages and let him know it. Check any backups too. The fact that they still existed may be an accident but it could be that he feels you were holding on to them for a reason.
29

OK. Just to be clear, what I did was wrong, it was a dreadful mistake and I deserve to be dumped. I have said that before and I am not sure what else I can say. I am not trying to shirk my responsibility or trying to diminish how toxic an affair is.

I think the start of this discussion was more focussed on how to get over the bump in our sex life caused by the actual sex within the affair. I perhaps now think this was a mistake, I can't disentangle that, and the photos/messages, from the affair and its wider causes.

We spoke all night about this last night and haven't really got to an end point. He is adamant that he won't go to Relate or anything (at the moment). It is a combination of him thinking that there isn't really a problem and not wanting to talk about how he has liked the idea of me with other men.

As to the photos and deleting them. I know this will freak a lot of you out. He has them now on his phone. They ended up on the ipad because of some bizarre thing where they were in the WhatsApp folder on that but I couldn't see the WhatsApp folder on my phone but had deleted the photos from the actual photos app. I really don't understand how it happened.

He already has photos that I have from previous boyfriends and holiday flings and he loves them, really loves them. I actually think he is amazing for enjoying them and like him having them, I thought it showed his complete lack of jealous hangups which I really love about it.

Obviously, being angry about an affair is totally different to jealous hangup and he is totally right to be dismayed and confused.

I was shocked when he asked for the phots. He has since admitted to 'enjoying' them. If I am honest, this last bit is exactly the reason he won't go to a therapist.

We also talked about the things he did/didn't do/said over the last year which I found very hard and he agrees some were terrible and drove us apart. He is also very sorry and wishes that that period in his life had never happened. But he doesn't want to talk to a therapist that either.

So, I have to admit, I am stuck.

The messages have all been deleted and my friend knows he has seen and is very much keeping her distance.

30

It sounds as though your husband enjoys seeing photos of you with ex-boyfriends / agreed anonymous flings, and you are happy to share these with him. It's something you do as a couple, within your relationship. After the shock of an affair he has maybe managed to put this in that category i.e. the past. Hence keepig the photos on his phone.

Just an idea, but if it is the messages to your friend which he is still upset about and she is keeping her distance, then that is who he is jealous of. You didn't just have an affair, you shared the details with someone other than him - someone outside of your relationship. And that, in his mind, isn't the deal.

I could be wrong and it all sounds like a complicated and unusual dynamic. I recommend that you arrange your own counselling, let him know and make it clear that he can join you at any point should he decide to, You can't make him go, but you can take responsibility for your part in this situation and arrange your own counselling sessions with someone who specialises in relationships. Therapists are used to seeing people on their own if their partner would rather not come along.

31

Just an idea, but if it is the messages to your friend which he is still upset about and she is keeping her distance, then that is who he is jealous of. You didn't just have an affair, you shared the details with someone other than him - someone outside of your relationship. And that, in his mind, isn't the deal.

This is a very insightful comment. It had not occured to me and I think there is a big element of it. Certainly something to think about and try to get in to some sort of reassuring conversation.

I am not sure it is in reality a complicated unusual dynamic, well not unitl the affair. I get the sense that lots of men like to see old naughty photos. The 'anonymous flings' were all long in the past, only once since marriage and that was with a 'pass' for the holiday.

Starting therapy alone also sounds like a nice idea. I will suggest that to him and say that I will start in a few weeks, let him think.

32

If guy was massive ur man will feel like hes not enough and did it like you loved it he will be hurt i no first hand lol i found a pic of my gf ex on her phone next to a tape messure and it was 13inch and fat as fuck made me feel like i was tiny lol and she said i was biggest till i seen that but now i love it when she says how big he was when i shag her so try and get him to get turned on by it weve had 6 3 somes since but thay all had small cocks i want her to take a monster with me watching sex has never been better since tell him to stop been a prude every girl should tske a monster cock atlest once in my opinion my gf even gets me tiny by puttibg ice on my dick and shows her friends and thay all laugh and call me baby dick but i dunno why i love it if hes bigger than me hes more than welcome to fuck my gf if it will make him feel better lol

33

How did you get on?

34

That's great news. And I hope it helps. 🙂👍

On a separate note, you should try and stick to one user account. 👍 It can get a little confusing if you flit between them all.

35

stillhappilymarried wrote:

How did you get on?

Ha. I see you've spotted you used a different account and have now edited the post. 🙂 Good luck with the counselling anyway. 👍🙂

36

Dear AlisonR. I just wanted to post to say I hope things are getting better with your situation. I normally try to avoid threads like this but I do think you got unnecessarily harsh criticism at one point so I really felt for you. It takes guts to be this honest, and I hope you work through things.

37

Ian Chimp wrote:

That's great news. And I hope it helps. 🙂👍

On a separate note, you should try and stick to one user account. 👍 It can get a little confusing if you flit between them all.

Wtf? I don't know what you have spotted, Ian Chimp, but I trust your judgement and if people are playing the system then that needs to be sorted. I offer advice on these threads based on my own experience, training and reading - people can take it or leave it - but I do trust that people are who they say they are. What is going on?

Are there any forum moderators keeping an eye?

38

I've looked, because the integrity of this forum is important, and I think I can see. Gotcha.

So my question is still, are there any forum moderators keeping an eye?

39

The OP posted an update, but used a different account. It's been edited now, so my replies don't make much sense. 🙂

40

Ian Chimp wrote:

The OP posted an update, but used a different account. It's been edited now, so my replies don't make much sense. 🙂

Yeah - I figured it was same person, different name. Didn’t see the unedited post - it just reads like they are answering their own post as someone else.