So ... a biggie

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Long time lurker, first time poster. I could have posted this when I was 19, really really shouldn't be posting it at 28!

I am married to a lovely chap, over the last 2 years we have had our ups and downs for one reason or another. Mostly because of his work and behaviour, he would agree with that I know, but also I wasn't perfect.

As a result I had a short affair last Summer. I am not making excuses or trying to pretend that it wasn't my fault. Anyway, I told him and we worked out where we were heading and have put all of that behind us.

Then the really really stupid thing happened. The text messages and photos to do with the affair where on my iPad, synced from my phone, and I had totally forgotten. We never use my ipad. Before Christmas he needed it for something or other and I told him my passcode. There were a load of messages, not between me and the other guy, but between me and a friend talking about the affair and especially about the sex, in a lot of detail.

There was also a lot of photos that he or I had taken, a lot just me in undies or topless, but enough of me sucking him, or with cum on my face or boobs. There was also one of me riding him taken in a full length mirror, you can see everything, absolutely everything!

My husband told me he had seen and it was sorrrrt of OK but now it is an issue everytime we have sex, or at least try to have sex. The text messages were very explicit about things like size and err cum, and the photos, particularly the one on the chair in the mirror, leave him in no doubt about what happened.

My husband isn't naive, he and I have enjoed a lot of chats about previous boyfriends and that side of my life. He even gave me a pass a few years ago for a girlie holiday with a couple of single friends and he certainly wanted to hear the stories which came back from that week.

But this is different, he says that everytime we try to make love he sees ... you can guess.

One thing which also rankles is that he read my text messages and we have not really cleared that up either but it is very hard for me to complain.

What can I do to get things back?

2

Hello and welcome. 🙂

Have you considered couples counselling? It sounds like you're both trying your hardest to work through this, maybe a professional can help?

3

That is a good idea actually.

We have worked through the bits about his behaviour and my affair but this more limited to the photos/text messages being on his mind when we are togehter.

4

I hope that you can get this sorted! It seems as though you both want to...

Maybe you can make lots of new memories to erase the old ones - and maybe some new pictures and / or videos?

5

If you both want it counselling may well work for you as you can work through what is eating at each of you. Go for it and importantly be positive a honest with each other. Good luck

6

That is a good observation. What is eating away at us.

For him I know it is the text messages, not to much the photos. The affair was purely about enjoyable sex for me. The guy was a friend of my friend's boyfriend (the friend in the text messages) and she had told me the rumours about his size and gave me his number. One thing led to another.

I was very explicit about how big he was, what he did to me with it, and how much I loved and needed it.

I don't think he was fussed one way or the other about the photos, he knew what the affair was and what it would involve.

So when we come to have sex he visualises me loving that massive cock.

I don't mind too much that he looked at the photos on my iPad, it was stupid leaving them there and he had to look for a photo to send about something else so inevitable he would have seen it. I am irritated that he read my messaegs but I suppose it was inevitable once he had seen the photos.

In terms of everything else, I think we are OK. We had a bad year or so, and I made a mistake but he made mistakes in our relationship too.

I am not sure I want to talk through all the sex stuff with a counsellor though.

7

I have to agree with everyone else, you need someone who isn’t going to be bias such as a therapist to get past this. Affairs is a massive break of trust and my feeling is if he’s struggling in the bedroom and keeps visualising what you liked from the affair, he may be feeling inadequate and he’s just not telling you this. If he’s behaviour was bothering you, why didn’t you discuss it with him before having a affair? Not to sound overly judgemental, but it doesn’t fix the initial problem really.

8

Oh we had a lot of chats about how I was feeling, he just wouldn't let it in - mostly due to work.

9

One good method I use with my partner if I need to voice something and can’t for whatever reason and that was to write him a letter and this allows him to read it and process it in his own time.

10

That is an idea. Just make sure he doesn't read it on my iPad!

11

You are lucky to have some one that forgave you, I would have walked away and not looked back.

It does appear he needs to speak to an independant person, some one who this type of thing is there speciality. It is inperative you both do if you wish to continue.

12

Yes, I know

But I also forgave him for somethings.

13

I hate to say but there isn't a chance I would forgive what's happened. I think you certainly need to give him time and take the blame on the chin. I would also find it hard reading your messages here as it doesn't appear that you are truly sorry (just an opinion as tone gets lost in plain text) as you keep talking about his massive cock like you're reliving the memory of how good it was. You can mend a broken pot but the imperfections will still always be there and it will never be exactly the same again.

14

I know, I agree.

I think it is more that it was very immature not that I don't regret. I was literally behaving like I was 19, especially with all the photos and texts.

15

There's some pretty good advice already posted.

If I understand right, the messages and photos your husband saw were from last summer, and you've since come clean, the two of you have talked about it and put it all behind. Maybe you should have deleted them or whatever, but anyhow there's nothing going on between you and that other guy any more, right? It's something you did in the past and that should be over and done with.

As EmmaC1989 wrote, he might be feeling inadequate, self- conscious and think that you don't like him enough, don't enjoy having sex with him as much as you did with the other guy, and that he can't fully satisfy you. Have you tried telling him how much you love his cock and having sex with him in general? Have you tried having some sexy sessions that are all about him, his satisfaction, and where you adore/ praise his cock?

16

I agree that some professional help might be the best option in terms of helping you both to discern a way forward. An organisation like Relate will have theraptists who specialise in sexual dynamics and issues, and they will have heard all sorts of stories. They will listen without judgement and will help you to communicate and make your own decisions without actually offering advice.

17

I think all the comments are true.

I am being honest, I behaved as I would have done at 19 in Ibiza, not as a married professional woman who is nearly 30. It is dreadful and I deserve to be dumped.

The slight complexity with the Relate idea is that he has previously enjoyed the 'I need big cock' chat during storytime, if that makes sense. He likes hearing about my past and loved the hoilday with single friends a couple of years ago.

We chatted about Relate but he doesn't want to have to explain that he enjoyed all of that. He also doesn't actually think that there is a problem with our relationhsip now it is just me thinking that there is a problem. I think he doesn't want to have to talk about the problems he caused which whilst not infidelity were troubling to me.

A very complex situation, like I said ... a biggie.

I was talking to a friend last night who had an affair and she said she tried the whole coy 'I was such a bad girl' biteing bottom of the lip thing to get past this phase and she said it was a disaster, totally freaked him out. I can see that happening if I try to overdo the Smultron suggestion even though I know this isn't exactly what you were suggesting. But thank you.

18

No therapist would force him to disclose stuff he wasn't comfortable with, and at this point it would be a hypothetical I would imagine most people wouldn't want to admit to enjoying, but it is a part he did enjoy, it makes things a bit more muddled. BUT if you both found a good therapist, built a relationship with that therapist, he might find that he is comfortable with disclosing such information. I'm just saying, he might feel differently about discussing it later, but even if he doesn't want to disclose that information, counselling is still worth a shot to help you both move forward from here. It sounds like you both want to, otherwise he probably would have left and you wouldn't be asking for advice on here. Good luck.

19

I speak from a male married perspective. If my wife behaved as you have she would be dropped immediately and a divorce lawyer instructed. Your husband has apparently forgiven you but your response is you have forgiven him ’some things’. This isn't a game of tit for tat. You have utterly betrayed his trust and as someone else has commented I don't sense any real contrition. In fact I sense a note of juvenile humour.

As for your husband reading your messages I for one don't blame him. He should also be looking at your bank account for unexplained expenses, questioning business trips and listening out for 'phone calls from strangers.

20

Lord_Vetinari wrote:

I speak from a male married perspective. If my wife behaved as you have she would be dropped immediately and a divorce lawyer instructed. Your husband has apparently forgiven you but your response is you have forgiven him ’some things’. This isn't a game of tit for tat. You have utterly betrayed his trust and as someone else has commented I don't sense any real contrition. In fact I sense a note of juvenile humour.

As for your husband reading your messages I for one don't blame him. He should also be looking at your bank account for unexplained expenses, questioning business trips and listening out for 'phone calls from strangers.

I could not disagree with your post more if I tried.

As I said I would have walked away, yes it was a dispicable thing you did, however you have aknowledged that.Weather you were asking for help is self pity or not I don't know, I would like to think not.

What I will say is, we all feck up, we all make mistakes. What I do know is your man cares enough to stand by you.I would go speak to some one, I would learn how to continue, how to broach the subject, how to deal with it. You obviously love him, go speak to speak to some one, no one here can tell you enough, how much of an importance it is to speak to a professional.

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