Solo play... help

Hi guys,

Kinda embarrassing but I have only ever played solo once properly, and that was in the bath with waterproof suction toy. Problem is I’m not that good at it. I kinda get the feeling of wanting play but I don’t want to disturb my husband. He has all the toys on his side of the bed but on the odd occasion I have got something without disturbing him I just don’t know how to warm up to it. I just crank it up and go in from almost cold. Which just ends in disaster so I toss it to one side and don’t bother.

I need to relax I know, even in couples play I don’t relax I feel very self conscious about my body which I know doesn’t help at all. I also can’t switch off and get into the grove so to speak. How do you stay focused on the task in hand so to speak and not get distracted??

Fools guide gratefully appreciated

Mrs F&F


Sounds like you may benefit from carving out sometime when you’re home alone to play solo so you can fully relax away from husband and explore your body with your hands and toys slowly so you can figure out what feels good.
Maybe have a toy on a pattern which you can set it to and just resist turning it up to max for a set amount of time.
If you like to watch or read anything that can get you in the mood that may help or just imagining scenarios whilst you play?


This may sound weird I used to play a lot but as I have got older I feel a bit guilty. Feel that’s i should always involve the mrs

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I assume from the post you have a bath? Are all your toys waterproof?

Depends on whether or not your solo time is strictly private or not (ie does you partner know) , but you could always retire a bit earlier one night, run a bath, lock the door and just take your time (if your partner does know, just say that you are going for “me time” and you don’t wish to be disturbed).

The hot water will relax you (you could always burn some scented candles, add some essential oils to the bath for increased aroma) and go from there. I wouldn’t even think about touching yourself until you feel at ease, then just begin slowly. Don’t go straight for the finish line, take your time and feel all around your body and pay attention to each area.

Whilst many men can go from stone cold to completely ready for action at the drop of a hat (or, their partners panties), for many women, it just doesn’t work like that and if you try and force the issue, it’ll only end in disaster or frustration.


This is really important to remember that quite often our brain is the main part of our body we need to orgasm if it’s stressed out its not going to happen easily. Spend some time playing with no intention of finishing and just exploring your body slowly.

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Totally agree with everything said above and the mind is the most important part for me. I don’t need to be focussed on the goal I focus on the feelings and sensations the toys give me. It’s all about exploration and figuring out what you like :slightly_smiling_face:

Think about your fantasies, read some erotic literature or maybe watch porn? These can really help to get you aroused and get your mind really in to the game. Personally I find literature amazing if I am getting myself worked up through the day.

I would definitely say you need proper alone time to figure yourself out so you are not worrying about your other half some time where you can just do you xx

The other thing is, if a session doesn’t work out it’s no bother just set aside some more time and have another play :blush:


@Bex84 “What she said” :point_up_2: @Fun_Funky if I attempted to focus on the job in hand :sweat_smile: it would be a disaster. I have to get a great mental porno going in my mind or watch porn. I think its very much mental. You aren’t alone x


I very much agree with the advice you’ve already gotten.

When you’re all alone and know you won’t be interrupted, take the time to explore your body and sexuality! Nobody else is there to judge you, so you might as well enjoy yourself.

Would pampering yourself and setting the mood help? For example putting on some sensual music, taking a relaxing bath, slowly caressing your body and then focusing on the most sensitive and pleasurable parts.

Another thing that helps is to try out different positions and see which ones are more comfortable for you. Each person is different, but for me it’s almost impossible to have an orgasm if I am not laying on my back or stomach. Otherwise I get very close but can’t achieve an orgasm.

Thank you so good advice it’s the relaxing that j really struggle with my head just moves into whatever else is happening / needs doing etc. I’ll try to work on that first xx

Thank you. Yeah I think more or less all the toys are. You make some really good points. I Do wonder if the guilt and shame I feel hinders me so much too.

I’ll try to start actually just relaxing in the bath first see if I can switch off for a while xxx

Thank you @Bex84. Makes sense, I’m gonna try and talk to hubby later. Embarrassingly I’ve never watched porn. It was a bit of an issue between hubby and I as he was watching it quite a lot and it made me feel so bad. I had a very strict upbringing so many taboos so have been totally squashed since finding love honey.

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Hi @Justthe2ofus2007 from
Memeory we have quite a few things in common. I hope things improve for you soon xxx

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Position is a big thing for me @Smultron, I suffer from a physical disability also so positions that I want to do with my h etc aren’t possible and I think these would be great for solo play but I just can’t get into them. I do need to experiment more though to try and find better positions.

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Thanks @Mrs.John I need to work on relaxing my mind don’t I lol!

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Hi Mrs F&F, I feel you are expecting too much of yourself, too quickly. Lots of good ideas so far. Maybe just set little goals and maybe you’ll move forward little bit by little bit. I started with just rubbing hand cream, yes, into my hands. Shocking eh? I tried to push away those negative thoughts about being selfish and self indulgent for spending anytime on myself. It may sound silly but I looked at a clock (yes clock :grin:) and tried to spend a bit longer rubbing the hand cream in each time. I progressed to rubbing moisturiser up my arms slowly, thinking about how it felt. I found soft gentle strokes felt nicer than hard rubbing. I progressed at a pace comfortable to me. Eventually after many months, and many, many solo sessions exploring every inch of my skin, I finally found out how to make my body respond fully :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: and it was definitely worth the wait and the effort! Good luck with making more time for yourself :bath:
:ocean: Sea

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