Hi all am a bit stuck and may be u can help Have been married 18 years but my oh sex drive has been getting less and less to the point she is more interested in watching recorded programs than coming to bed if I suggest an early night I know the kids are more demanding as they get older and I am working a lot to make ends meat ( more than I should ) and am not looking for sex when I go to bed but my oh says she is tired and feels drained but will stay up till 1 ish in the morning instead of coming to bed with me she has put on weight that she finds hard to loose since the children but I don't have a problem with that but she does and now it just seems like she has given up on every thing have tried doing what I can around the house running baths for her and trying to make her feel special but nothing seems to make a difference !!!
Sounds like you're making a good effort so far. If she's like me, that extra weight will be making her feel totally unsexy. I would suggest maybe gently showing her how sexy she is to you without expecting sex in return. Cuddle and touch her in a non-agressive way. Tell her when she looks beautiful and sexy (but be genuine, it's worse if she thinks it's fake).
Experiment a little and maybe see what fantasies she has. This website is a great way of doing that. Maybe introduce it to her and see if lingerie or toys would be appealing to her.
Do something spontaneous for a weekend. Sometimes going to a hotel break, even a cheap one round the corner with the kids not around at all, will make all the difference. A change of scenery has always worked for me.
But the best bit of advice is COMMUNICATION. Talk to her, ask her how she's feeling, and don't bring up sex, talk about work or what's happening in her social life. Make her feel like a fully appreciated person. Then have the talk about sex gently but be positive about it. It's very easy to go into that 'but YOU don't want to have sex any more' blame game and no one benefits from that.
If after all of that, it's still not happening, you might wantseek professional help like a councillor or a doctor. Could be a medical thing like menopause or hormonal imbalances (depending on her age, birth control, etc.) though it most likely is something less dramatic.
It's a hard one because everyone's situation is a little different. I went through a period like this with my OH as well but for both of us I tried to stay as patient as I could. It's hard I know but the more you push the more she will likely resist.
Porn did it for us but then she has to be into that as well. My other half lives watching it and is always sending me texts while I'm at work telling me she's watching it and what she's doing.
When kids and work and life in general is at play it can be hard to find the time to yourselves. She may need to start exploring her body again on her own for a while.Try a little text sex with her while your at work. See if she likes toys and maybe drop a subtle hint or 2. Push the boundries a bit and see what happens. She may surprise you.
Whenever I have had a comunication problem whether it was in a relationship or work relationship, I always spent the time to write down what I wanted to say - like you have here, include how you feel and why it is important to you to try and change the current norm. Then leave it for the other person to read in their own time.
Maybe they will speak to you about it, or write something back.
Either way there will be communication. Once that is there, you can work together to get out of this 'rut'
Our sex lives were in a bit of a rut about 3 years ago . We had that chat as communication was never an issue .As our son was now old enough to be left and we decided to get some us time together. So we started going out for meals and did things like we used to going out on date nights. Sex didn't happen straight away but it brought us closer together and we started cuddling more and sex became the icing on the cake.
I don't think you are doing much wrong but perhaps just add a bit of romance and see if that helps.
Does she have a vibrator? Does she read? The reason I ask is that I had that exact situation going on. I had gained weight from my second which just hadn't shifted like the first time, I was just overwhelmed and had shut down.
I started reading erotic fan fiction and that led to buying a vibrator and for the first time in my life, masturbation. That spiked my sex drive, I have now found ways to get hubby involved, it's brilliant!
So, my advice, get her a vibe, a pretty luxury vibe like a Lelo or something upmarket and an erotic novel. When giving them, make it clear THEY ARE FOR HER. If she feels pressured there's no point. If you can let her be with those.. You may have her coming out of her shell..
Thanks for the advice she does own a vibe but she not keen on using it or not with me around but she does love erotic books she reads hundreds of them so not sure why she finding things so hard
I'm on the other side Ive tried talking but as much as we love each other sex is no no, now,ill health on his part, so the other week after weight lose I decided what the hell, new underwear for me, Hubby even saw me pick one yesterday and brought it. I know they are not for seducing but I feel better about my self. It's not what you wanted to hear, but get yourself a top of the range toy for you, talk to of course, but untill she wants to change. There's not alot you can do, hugs from the same but female angle.
Hmm, well everyone is different. What about platonic intimacy? Sitting together, asking about her day, telling her yours.. Things like that really help. She sounds miserable tbh.
Well maybe she is a little depressed and she doesn't know it yet. I'm no doctor I'm just suggesting.
She'll have to talk to you about it some day. There's definitely an under lying issue and your job as her hubby is to find that out/dig it out of her. Give her time and don't rush her. Good luck.
Communication is always key and if she's avoiding coming to bed with you then maybe she feels pressured, even if you aren't pressuring her. I'm guessing you will both miss intimacy, kisses and cuddles are brilliant but if she's just not in the mood for sex then she won't want to "lead you on" with that and therefore avoids it.
I would suggest that you talk to her and say that you're really missing that closeness, I would suggest that you ask her for a couple of minutes of kissing every day for a week to see if you can build on your intimacy and promise her that you will make no attempt to have sex with her, however hard that is for you, that way she won't feel the pressure and your intimacy will build. If she's having trouble sleeping then she could be finding it difficult to relax and switch off, ask if you can give her a massage again on the promise that you aren't going to make a move. If after the first week you are both closer then build on the time for another week, reassure her that you're happy to wait for her until she's ready to make love again and that you find her sexy and gorgeous and that it makes you sad that she is finding things hard, go on dates!
Along with everyone else I agree that communication and building intimacy in a verbal way is fantasic. Getting some alone time away from your normal routine is also a good idea.
When I was going through a period where I had very little sex drive massage helped a great deal. I'm in a long distance relationship, which made it difficult because a lot of sex is expected when you're actually together. I never felt like it, but then felt terrible for my partner as it wasn't his fault. I would try, but wouldn't really be into it (and my body was very obviously not into it...).
Once, when I'd worked out quite hard the day before and was really sore, I asked my OH if he would give me a back massage, which extended to a full body massage, and what do you know, this got my juices flowing. I think because there was a lot of touch, but I didn't feel any pressure to be turned on, my old libido took over.
Perhaps if she's stressed, you could offer to give a massage with nice oils and things for the purpose of relaxation? Best case scenario she may get turned on, but even if this doesn't happen it's an intimate and generous thing to do that I'm sure she'd appreciate.
You seem like a very caring man and I wish you all the best.