can you help her with the kids and around the house? maybe she just to tired from all the work kids bring. lighten the load a little and dont just try thinks connected with sex. she may feel thats the only reason you are trying to help.
jackjohn wrote:
Are you able to get away as a couple without the kids? Maybe a weekend version of your date night in a hotel. Having kids around can be off-putting.
Also, maybe write her a letter. Putting your feelings down on paper allows her to read it several times and think about how she feels, Ask her to write back.
All partnerships have ups and downs. I hope it works out. Good luck x
its a bit hard to get away for for a couple of days really. we have spoken about it abit but never really thought any more on it. it hard with the hours i work plus shifts and the kids and of course the monet too. but i know we should make more of an effort. the letter idea sounds ok as even writing on here helps me to express how i feel (just to the wrong ppl lol) but not her she would like it as she preferes to talk about.
mrandmrsakn wrote:
can you help her with the kids and around the house? maybe she just to tired from all the work kids bring. lighten the load a little and dont just try thinks connected with sex. she may feel thats the only reason you are trying to help.
i do try but im sure i should always do more. i work 12hr days/nights shifts and travel and hr each way to work im up at 4am or getting home at 7am (depending on the shift of course) so im shattered from work but im still always up for it when i get into bed.
davejulie wrote:
Apologise for pressurising her for sex and promise that you will wait until she instigates sex.
Then start doing the little things that will encourage her to fall in love with you all over again.
Give her flowers, give her jewellery (eg an eternity ring), look after the children whilst you treat her to a pamper session at a local spa, buy her some jewellery, the Pandora bracelets are very popular and with the beads and charms she can see how much she is valued and loved.
DO NOT buy her sexy clothes or sex toys - these are for you, not her.
Make her feel really special, cherished and loved, hopefully she'll get her mojo back 
Julie x
PS Dave is reading this and hopefully taking heed lol
i DONT pressurise her in to having sex at all !
also i have tried some of those things for a while and still no shot.
I am sorry :(
I have the same problem but with my Oh. He's never in the mood. Or at work! I've tried lingerie, sexting, role play etc. Nothing!
I've got a whole box of toys....! Still no interest.
You could actually be my partner starting this thread!
So, we've been together 8 years, have 2 wonderful sons (Eldest 3, youngest 3 months). Our sex life took a nose dive straight after our first son and even more so after baby number 2 back in September ... Everything you were explaining sounds identical, there was no stopping us before the kids, we were intimate physically, mentally and emotionally! ... Then it died and YES I was to blame! I didn't feel attractive, not because of my body (I regained my pre pregnancy shape quite quickly after baby 1) but because of all kinds of reasons... I no longer felt like the sexy woman that my partner had originally been with, I was now a mummy! A tired mummy, even as our first got older and started sleeping I still felt as though I had lost my sexual identity, in fact my complete identity. No matter how many compliments my partner gave me or how hard he tired to be intimate (again as yourself he would never put pressure on me) I just couldn't bring myself to have any sexual contact... I sometimes think after seeing me give birth to the children how could he ever find me sexually attractive again!!! ...... THE TURNING POINT----- baby number 2 (by the lack of sex I'm surprised we even conceived him ) Ive been getting on with being a new mum, using the I'm too tired excuse (yes we do get tired, but we most certainly can fit it a bit of sex with our partners) and the I don't feel attractive blah blah, but that soon stopped!!! .... My partner stopped trying to have sex with me, he didn't seem as into me anymore, I found porn on his phone! This was a man who absolutely adored me, who once couldn't keep his hands off me, who didn't need porn because the thought of me and US was enough to satisfy his imagination! ... I panicked! The thought of loosing him, or him going else where to fulfil his needs hit me!!!!! .... I realised I'd been neglecting him, neglecting US! Our sex was always AMAZING adventurous, SEXY SEX!!! I'd not only been depriving him of it, me also! ... I'm now exactly 11 weeks and 5 days after having our second baby and our sex life is back on track! We can't keep our hands off eachother! It's the best it's been since before our 3 year old!!!! And all because the thought of him going else where made me realise!!! ... Tell her how you feel! If that don't work, go cold, make her feel as though she is loosing you (not being nasty of course lol) it certainly opened my eyes!!!! (And legs)
daiseyDee, do you both shop on here together? have been through similar with my partner and wondering if shopping on here together might help things along?
goldfish1 wrote:
daiseyDee, do you both shop on here together? have been through similar with my partner and wondering if shopping on here together might help things along?
This could be tricky !?
why tricky?
At the moment I shop solo. My partner looks forward to whatever it is I've chosen for us. We will definitely start shopping together at some point.
goldfish1 wrote:
why tricky?
If Daisy is the partner of Bon john then she may not agree with John's version of events.
Worse case scenario you could have a thread with disagreements. Hence ir could become tricky giving advice.
Unless of course my interpretation of daisy opening statement "You could actually be my partner starting this thread" is incorrect?
ah you see we are the other way around , i shop for my partner hoping to introduce ideas, always seems to see negative in things, saying things not suit her etc when they really do.
Me and my husband nearly split due to lack of communication
Lovehoney and actually talking has really helped us
Talking is the best medicine
His ED HAS GONAmazing the power of proper talking
is difficult to keep suggesting things and getting knocked back though,
goldfish1 wrote:
ah you see we are the other way around , i shop for my partner hoping to introduce ideas, always seems to see negative in things, saying things not suit her etc when they really do.
For Me personally when I was in my 'no sex, keep away' phase, if my partner had suggested adding toys or Role play, sexy lingerie etc. I'd feel like he was pushing me (that's not what he was doing at all, I can see that now) ... Everyone is different, but for me the turning point was seeing his behaviour change towards me! ... After long periods of time together (8years for us) you become comfortable, you forget the importance of sex and that closeness it brings. My partner just needed to find that trigger to pull me back in and he most certainly did that!!
Jenny42 wrote:
Me and my husband nearly split due to lack of communication
Lovehoney and actually talking has really helped us
Talking is the best medicine
His ED HAS GONAmazing the power of proper talking
Well done and that is great to hear.Communication is the major under pin of any relationship and like a car a relationship needs regular servicing to pro long it's longevity .
I'm totally with you bonjohn
I have been married more than a decade, with two kids, and no sex now for a long long time (that's no intercourse, foreplay, anything) and not even any intimacy (cuddles, kisses, touching, holding hands).
All the excuses she makes for not having sex (money worries, having the kids, tiredness, stress, job worries) are the very reasons I say we should be having it.
I tried talking to my wife (several times) and even (at the suggestion of people on here) sent her a letter to explain my feelings. You'd like to think she saw that as a positive attempt at engagement, but all it did was piss her off. And as for suggesting therapy, I might as well have said "let's get divorced" for the reaction I got to that.
And whilst we're on this, can I just get a couple of things off my chest...
Re. the "please don't cheat" thing.... how come nobody ever accuses the disinterested party of 'cheating'? Aren't they equally to blame for breaking their marriage vows by refusing the 'knowing bodily' bit?
"I found porn...".... yeah, damn right. Without porn to keep me sane and un-wandering, I'd have been gone a long time ago.
"Could you do more at home?..."... I hear this all the time and it is nearly always answered with 'I do a lot already' and 'I'm working full time...' from the totally knackered man. Why has it always got to be the guy who 'does more'? My wife doesn't help me with my work. She doesn't offer to do my books or filing. She doesn't mow the lawn. She doesn't fix the broken boiler or change the dead lightbulb...
"Be sensitive, make her feel special, don't even mention sex".... yeah, that one will work for ever: she'll love that, because it means 'no sex'. But whether it's a week, a month, or five years, later when you get to the point where you sensitively try to bring-up sex again, it'll be met with "oh, so that's what all this 'being nice' to me is about, you're just after a shag, well you've just gone and ruined it all now!..."
Why should we even have to start again from scratch with all the wooing? I did that before I married her. Don't get me wrong, I am and am willing to be, very romantic, but I'm not starting-out as a spotty teen again. And don't women see how self-deprecating that is? "I won't be intimate with you because you're my husband and I love you, or because you're a good father, or because you've been loyal to me, or because I want to strenghten our relationship for the future...." no, stuff that - I'll shag you again for some chocolates, a couple of nights out and a new suite!..."
... in short, don't go believing it's all your fault. It sounds like your wife, like mine, has decided 'that boat has sailed' and no amount of 'being sensitive', 'helping more around the house', 'making her feel special', etc., etc., etc. will make the slightest difference.
I feel so sorry for the guys here going through this.
I have several female friends that have gone through a divorce even though they've loved their husbands. Lack of communication and lack of sex has started the downward spiral and it's ended badly.
I've always been teased about my sex drive (even called dirty by friends!), but I honestly don't think that many women understand how important sex is to their relationships.
I'd definitely suggest professional help in order to get your cards on the table without causing further friction.
VR wrote:
I feel so sorry for the guys here going through this.
I have several female friends that have gone through a divorce even though they've loved their husbands. Lack of communication and lack of sex has started the downward spiral and it's ended badly.
I've always been teased about my sex drive (even called dirty by friends!), but I honestly don't think that many women understand how important sex is to their relationships.
I'd definitely suggest professional help in order to get your cards on the table without causing further friction.
I agree that sex is very important in relationships. It doesn't have to be often as we believe in quality rather than quantity but sex does get a couple very intimate with each other .For us it binds our relationship together.