Totally have sympathy for you guys, I'm not at that stage yet, although our sex life isn't what it should be, I'm 25 my wife is 22 and on average we have sex twice a month. We love together and we both work 5 days a week mon-fri, so naturally one would think we were at it like rabbits!
The thing that bothers me when is males try to discuss it with our OH is the typical "it's all about sex with you" response.
Ordinary man, you're post is absolutely spot on!
I am wondering, did she have some psychological issues after giving birth? My friend had and ended up needing professional help, due to severe depressions, during which she could not touch her son or her husband, as it was repulsive to her. It took a lot of time for it to go back to normal, thanks to professional help, and medication. Not all women have it this severe, but they may have a milder form. If not treated, it can go on and on and on and can last for few years.
Also some women after having kids do forget that before they had them, they were partners, lovers, wives, and they just focus on being mother and everything else goes away. Unfortunately, the women have to realize that they are doing this. Good communication is the key here. However, if you write her a letter or email, saying how you feel, and she just turns that down completely, then you do have a problem. As she will likely not feel like there is something to be sorted and that you just have to understand that things are like this now.
My colleague was in this situation, so the result was, he divorced his wife when the kid was less than 5 years old. She did not allow him to hug her, kiss her, cuddle her. She just barked at him even in public, she made it clear he is the wrong one and she is the saint, so he divorced her and now have new family and is much happier. Not saying that divorce is the solution, but sometimes it can be. And unfortunately, the women often do bring this on themselves. I am saying this as a woman.
And as someone, whose now ex-friend, admited, that she only has sex to have kids with her husband, but she always hidden how much she hates having sex, but does a good job so he thinks she enjoys it. I do not dare to think what will happen after she has the kids... I guess the husband will be in the same situation. No sex, no cuddless, no hugs, no kisses.
The advice not to push for sex and help at home is nice, and definitely worth mentioning, but lot of guys already do help at home, including cleaning dust, laundry, or shopping. If you already do that, then I am afraid that the issue is partly on her side and unless she decides to sort it, you will not be able to do much. Regardless how nice you treat her or how you spoil her and help her.
You are very right. I completely agree with you, but I'm sorry that you sound resentful which to me seems your relationship might have actually ended already. And +1 to what Laveila has said too. Sometimes divorce is the only solution left and as hard as that can be, we all deserve to find our happiness elsewhere. But no, cheating is not ok, no matter how 'justified' the reasons are. If you are unhappy, talk about it, if that doesn't solve anything, leave and only search for 'it' elsewhere after. BonJohn, I would suggest showing your wife this thread, ask her to read it thru knowing who you are. I'm a woman, and a feminist too, but I'm on your side with this one guys, and I truly hope you'll find again what you have lost!OrdinaryMan wrote:
I'm totally with you bonjohn
I have been married more than a decade, with two kids, and no sex now for a long long time (that's no intercourse, foreplay, anything) and not even any intimacy (cuddles, kisses, touching, holding hands).
All the excuses she makes for not having sex (money worries, having the kids, tiredness, stress, job worries) are the very reasons I say we should be having it.
I tried talking to my wife (several times) and even (at the suggestion of people on here) sent her a letter to explain my feelings. You'd like to think she saw that as a positive attempt at engagement, but all it did was piss her off. And as for suggesting therapy, I might as well have said "let's get divorced" for the reaction I got to that.
And whilst we're on this, can I just get a couple of things off my chest...
Re. the "please don't cheat" thing.... how come nobody ever accuses the disinterested party of 'cheating'? Aren't they equally to blame for breaking their marriage vows by refusing the 'knowing bodily' bit?
"I found porn...".... yeah, damn right. Without porn to keep me sane and un-wandering, I'd have been gone a long time ago.
"Could you do more at home?..."... I hear this all the time and it is nearly always answered with 'I do a lot already' and 'I'm working full time...' from the totally knackered man. Why has it always got to be the guy who 'does more'? My wife doesn't help me with my work. She doesn't offer to do my books or filing. She doesn't mow the lawn. She doesn't fix the broken boiler or change the dead lightbulb...
"Be sensitive, make her feel special, don't even mention sex".... yeah, that one will work for ever: she'll love that, because it means 'no sex'. But whether it's a week, a month, or five years, later when you get to the point where you sensitively try to bring-up sex again, it'll be met with "oh, so that's what all this 'being nice' to me is about, you're just after a shag, well you've just gone and ruined it all now!..."
Why should we even have to start again from scratch with all the wooing? I did that before I married her. Don't get me wrong, I am and am willing to be, very romantic, but I'm not starting-out as a spotty teen again. And don't women see how self-deprecating that is? "I won't be intimate with you because you're my husband and I love you, or because you're a good father, or because you've been loyal to me, or because I want to strenghten our relationship for the future...." no, stuff that - I'll shag you again for some chocolates, a couple of nights out and a new suite!..."
... in short, don't go believing it's all your fault. It sounds like your wife, like mine, has decided 'that boat has sailed' and no amount of 'being sensitive', 'helping more around the house', 'making her feel special', etc., etc., etc. will make the slightest difference.
era wrote:
You are very right. I completely agree with you, but I'm sorry that you sound resentful which to me seems your relationship might have actually ended already. And +1 to what Laveila has said too. Sometimes divorce is the only solution left and as hard as that can be, we all deserve to find our happiness elsewhere. But no, cheating is not ok, no matter how 'justified' the reasons are. If you are unhappy, talk about it, if that doesn't solve anything, leave and only search for 'it' elsewhere after. BonJohn, I would suggest showing your wife this thread, ask her to read it thru knowing who you are. I'm a woman, and a feminist too, but I'm on your side with this one guys, and I truly hope you'll find again what you have lost!
I'm sorry that I'm resentful too. I don't want my life to be like this, but have come to the conclusion that I might either still find happiness with someone else, or at least be better off not having to look at someone who doesn't want me each day. I might also be better for my kids, if I can give them quality time from a dad who's got his head back together away from their mother.
What I resent the most though is that it falls to me to either put-up with the sex-free, love-free marriage that she has unilaterally decided we're now going to have, or to be the one to say 'I'm leaving you and the kids behind'. Neither of those is even close to fair, especially when I have tried to discuss the matter and find middle ground. She's ignored my pleas, leaving me with the damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.
Why should I be treated as the 'home wrecker' when I have been pushed to this point? It's like knowingly denying somebody food, then then making them out to be evil, self-interested and disgusting for being so desperate as to go get some elsewhere.
First off, I agree you will be better off either way. And most importantly, from someone growing up with parents that should have never met, let alone stay together still, yes, you probably could be a better dad to your children if you find yourself again be it alone or with someone other than their mom. Children are happy if they sense happiness around them, they feel loved, if they see love happening.
I don't see you as a home wrecker at all, and I'm sure no one here would either, but if anyone does in your real life, you just let this label slide off you. Or, you could also just be honest and say how things are openly to everyone daring enough to judge or ask: that the marriage did not end just because you put a stop to the misery, but it ended because she broke the mutually agreed upon contract of what a 'union' is about. There is no unilateral marriage and terms should always make both parties happy. Whoever doesn't see this, is quite simply put too simple-minded for their own happiness to take place. Sorry if that offends anyone.
Oh, and you might consider leaving her, but it only depends on you weather you "leave" also your children "behind". Depending on what you want, you might ask for full or joined custody too, it's not unheared of for the dad to be the primary parent you know... :)OrdinaryMan, if I were you, i would just say I am packing. And we are now going to discuss the childern custody now. Joined custody is possible these days, unless you end up living in such distance, that it would mean two schools or cause similar issues. Otherwise, you can also apply for full custody. I heard of cases when the dad is the primary parent. I do not know how old are the kids, but is she working? Can she support the kids? If not, then you have very high chances of getting the kids into your full custody.
And I do not think leaving the family under these circumstances is about you being bad. Both are needed to make the marriage work. I have to say no one felt any wrong feelings to the colleague who left his now ex wife. She even came to work and barked at him not to even dare to think about touching her... if one partner treats the other like this, regarless if the man or woman, then the mistreated partner should really try first communicate, get the message over. If nothing helps, then I dont see why they should honour their marriage vows, in good and bad, in sickness and in health etc, if their partner is already breaking them by their behaviour.
Sex may not be the most important aspect of the relationship, but lets face it, when the intimacy and sex disappears, then frankly it tends to show the feelings also gone away or there are other huge issues in the relationship. And it takes two to tango...
Hi just seen this thread.
I know. Own I was in similar situation after having my son..I was diagnosed with post natal depression when my son was 1. I lost all sense of self worth and no libido.
I was just a 'mother'. My body had changed and I didn't like myself or feel anyone else could. And no matter how much someone tries you don't see it.
Maybe your wife is the same.
Either way you need to speak to her and tell her bottom line is things have changed and you feel pushed away ultimately it's damaging the family.
You need to get to the bottom of the issue in hand before trying to fix the sex area (which I can imagine is frustrating)
In hind site if you keep attempting to fix the sex part before the actual issue she will just feel it's sex you want her for (if that makes sense)
I really hope you manage to get to the bottom of the issue. Stay faithful and true and everything will.come right in the end 😙
None of us are livin in your house. If you really feel you need to contemplate splitting up I highly recommend counseling.
OH and I have been together a,long time with some real ups and downs but I am thankful we find ways to compromise and be there for one another.
Best wishes in everything.