Strap On/Sex Anxiety

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hello!

I’ve checked in here a few times recently but just joined as a member. I feel like this community seems to be really kind & supportive & thats what’s I’m hoping for.

My partner & I have been together nearly 15 years & have two young kids now. We are finally starting to get a little more time for each other again. We bought a strap on ages ago but I think honestly I just didn’t use it as I was afraid.

I’ve tried to open a dialogue with my partner (we’re a heterosexual couple, him male, me female). I grew up in a female only household where my Mum was keen to share her thoughts on her dislike of men, a string of failed relationships & frequent warnings about avoiding sex. I don’t remember any positive conversation on the positives of sex or pleasure.

I’m trying to open up, learn from my past & work on why I feel certain ways (I’m going to speak to a therapist too).

We had some time together today & we’re being intimate when he suggested I put on the strap on. I instantly froze. We had a good chat. It felt sprung on me. I’ve suggested I’d feel better allowing myself some time to feel more confident about the idea; I said to get the strap on out for me to have a look at, try on, play with to see how I feel before we use it together.

After children I’m regaining my body confidence; it’s coming back, I’m finally losing some weight, have got some great new underwear so I feel that my confidence in my body is returning. But I also feel scared about the strap on, & what I have to do? I’m very aware that my partners sex drive is much higher than mine & he watches a lot of porn. He’s recently started to like putting his hand on my throat during sez which I’m still not sure about, & he’s asked me to do the same to him. He’s also said a few times about wanting me to dominate him, that he’s there to serve me. I feel like that needs a lot of confidence from me to successfully play that part, but I don’t feel confident. I feel scared because I know I’m not very adventurous with sex, am still building my body confidence back & am nervous too of sex toys.

A big, messy blurb for you! I guess basically I am trying to be open & am willing to try, not just for him & his pleasures but I know how I am holds me back. I’d like to loosen up & maybe learn more about what I’d like in the ‘bedroom’ too.

Any tips, any advice, chats anything. Looking for guidance. Also with the strap on, I don’t want to hurt him!

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@GreenGrass
Firstly welcoming the club and I can appreciate where your head is at
Like you I was brought up to believe sex was for making children only and men were for that purpose only and I watched as my mother would take my fathers pay packet in one hand and then bitch about him to me and my sister - and my sister is the same - however at an early age I wanted more than just vanilla sex and in recent years me and my husband have been very adventurous in sex and we both love the strap on dildos and lingerie

As for you - when it’s quiet and the children are not in - put the strap on dildo on and walk around the house with it on (either naked or in lingerie) and then after you see how good it feels one day surprise your man by walking in wearing your strap on - ( as others say - don’t rush anal with him - it takes ages to stretch to accommodate a dildo)
Don’t forget to talk to him - and good luck and well done on reaching out :lovehoney_heart:

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Hellooooo

Strap on, plenty of lube, take it slowly and listen to him

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Hi and welcome.

So lots to unpack in your post.

Firstly, if you aren’t keen on him having his hand around your throat during sex, you don’t have to let that continue. Trying to be more adventurous doesn’t mean you have to want to do everything he wants. Please tell him to stop and if he doesn’t, do not continue experimenting with him. Consent is crucial.

Now, in terms of being more dominant, my first question is do you actually want to be? Because if you don’t then it will never feel right. You can absolutely grow into dominance, but you need a desire for it to build from (same is true of submission). If you do want to be more dominant in the bedroom, then confidence is really important. That won’t magically build overnight, and whilst you can fake it til you make it to an extent, again you need a foundation to build from. Start slow and work up. Don’t feel like you have to try everything trick in the book and certainly not every time you have sex. Just add a little something each time. Maybe tell him to give you an erotic massage or tell him he doesn’t get to cum until you have. Tell him before sex he has to wear a certain thing (doesn’t have to be kinky, just something you like seeing him in), or have him smell a certain way. It doesn’t have to be huge, just little things that get you into more powerful way of thinking. Once you are feeling more comfortable in your body, try body worship. Choose an area you like and have him kiss, massage, stroke, generally stimulate there. Have him kiss your hand and work up your arm etc.

It can help to find yourself a character to base your dominance on. Find some fictional strong female characters to help get yourself in the mood. Do you want to be demanding, hard to please, a bitch, a goddess, a tease, strict, etc. there’s no right or wrong and you can mix and match, it’s about what works for you.

As for the strap on. I would highly recommend putting in on by yourself and just getting used to it. The weight, the feel, the look. Touch it, squeeze it. Pose in the mirror (and yes it’s totally ok to end up laughing, and feeling silly). When you are ready to use it with him, choose a position where he can do most of the work. This could be you on your back and he rides you or could be him in an all fours position with your standing or kneeling behind him (whichever gives you the right height) and he can push back on to you. As you do it, you’ll hopefully start to be able to pick up his rhythm and move with him.

Just don’t rush and push yourself. And if something doesn’t quite work, don’t worry about it. Either try again or ditch that part.

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Hello and welcome to the forum.

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Hi @GreenGrass :wave:
Welcome to the forum!

I really can’t add much to what @Calie has already said and agree with everything she has put. All I would add is that I don’t think it’s unusual to feel anxious or uneasy about trying something outside your comfort zone. If it’s something you want to try but just feel a bit “silly” trying to be dominant there are ways to work around it, good suggestions above, and worst case scenario you both end up laughing and that’s fine too. If it’s something you’re really not sure about and don’t want to do that is also absolutely fine. You should not feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to. You have tried his hands around your neck, if you don’t like that, you need to say and it 100% needs to stop.

Fair point, does he have much experience with other anal toys? If he’s just seen pegging in porn and thinks it looks fun, it’s not a great way to start. If he’s a regular user of butt plugs, dildos or prostate massagers then he will know what he is comfortable with. Following Calie’s advice of positions when he is the one in control of the penetration, at least to start with, you won’t hurt him.

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G’day, plenty of great advise here if you ask for it. Just remember to communicate with him before and after antging new, if you arent liking anything always say so and it should stop.

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@GreenGrass … if you haven’t played with anal at all back up a little bit. If you have both discussed this and want to proceed, start with a small soft toy just to get used to being penetrated that way. Don’t have your first experience with a full sized dildo.

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@GreenGrass Good on you for blurting it all out somewhere and trying to unpack it.

Your hubby sounds a bit like me to be honest. He (hopefully) loves his lady a LOT, likes getting frisky a LOT … combining the 2 can be overwhelming at times!

My wife & I have been together 20 years and recently I’ve really been wanting to explore my/our sexual side far more. But I want to do that with the love of my life, and she’s a little scared/apprehensive. So it’s slow going. Like really slow.

That’s ok. Your man will understand if you need time as long as you’re gentle with your honesty.

But really, what have you got to lose? You won’t ever feel comfortable doing something new if you don’t actually give it a few nudges. :blush:

Don’t do something if you really don’t feel comfortable though. Hopefully that’s a given.

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Hi and welcome to the forum. You are right it is a great place with lots of great info/advice. I am male and have never used a strap on, not my thing but I am sure others will give great advise.

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Lots of good advice here. Can I just add that before using the strap on it maybe worth getting a butt plug where you can play with your husband by putting it in and taking it out. Remember to use lot and I mean lots of lube to ease it in, same with the strap on when you choose to use it on him, because when you do you take control. Definitely get used to wearing it and admire your body with this new toy. Your man will love it if you make a display ie walk around the bedroom before getting down to the action. Start slow and gentle. Get him used to the size and feel of being stretched. Only when he is comfortable should you give him some long thrusts. There are a few posts here regarding different positions. Search them out and let the group know how you are getting on.

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Thank you for that!

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This is exactly what I came here for… thank you so much. I’ve never (until now) experienced a conversation about sex & pleasure that just feels like a nice normal conversation, no judgement, no shyness. Your reply is just so helpful, thank you so much!!

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Thank you!!

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We’ve used fingers plenty of times, & tongue, & a small dildo on me anally. So not a lot of experience but a tiny bit!

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That’s really great to hear your views on it too & thanks for saying well done for trying to unpack it. I know it’ll take time, & I know that I want to explore more, but I’m (we’re) on a journey & even doing this is a huge step & I already feel loads more relaxed just reading all your replies. So thank you. I hope things go well with you & your misses too!

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Welcome!
As a male in a 13 year marriage I recently bought a strapless vibrator without telling the wife. After a night out I decided to introduce it into play and it actually went down ok to be honest! since then my wife has been quite open in asking me to use a plug but i still have to suggest the strap on. we have a normal harness strap on now aa well.

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Hello!! I realise I’ve not been back on here in so long, so I apologise for that! But I always wanted to come back & update because before stumbling across this forum I never had any idea places like this existed, somewhere to have healthy, open chats about sex & pleasure & helping & supporting others to too. I’m happy to say that while we still don’t get to be properly intimate regularly (2 young kids, tired!!) we are prioritising more time together & I am feeling completely different about things. I took on board so much of your advice & I feel much more confident to explore what I do & don’t want to do & not just what I’m comfortable to explore but more now what I actively want to explore from my pov too. I feel incredibly empowered from using the strap on & have happily & enthusiastically used it a good few times now with my partner who’s really loving it. I’m much more confident & am embracing my new body & actually enjoying it sensually my self, with & without my partner. I’m just really grateful to you all for your support, it’s honestly made such a positive change & I’m hoping it’s just the start of this journey…

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I have the exact same tendencies as your husband, and my wife is also more reserved than I am in the bedroom. We started with soft fantasies, so maybe a nurse/police outfit where she would play that role. We did sort of ‘dummy runs’ where we talked a lot throughout, guiding each other. She learned my kinks and I learned her tolerances, nothing was pushed to far. After a while she became more adventurous and I become more understanding of her likes/dislikes (which is vitally important, you both have to be having fun). We worked our way up to latex, riding crops, cock rings etc. A cheeky finger, then anal beads were a fantastic gateway drug haha. The aim is to have fun, while respecting each others boundaries and letting loose. Just remember though, the day you put that strap on - on will be one of the best sexual experiences of his life, so as long as you enjoy it too, it could open up some serious doors! :slight_smile: I asked about pegging on this forum a couple of weeks ago, then approached it with The Mrs… Boy I’m glad I did!