Switching 'on' and 'off' in a loving relationship ( N00b query... )

Ok so I have searched and couldn't find anything specific to the question at hand.

I'm quite new to the whole bdsm/sub/dom thing.

It is something I AM interested in. ( Not sure on the OH yet. )

Anyway, My main query.....

If one is in a loving, commited, manogomas and equal relationship, How does one get 'into' the sub or dom mindset? Once you do, Do you stay in that way of mind or do/can you, As my title suggests... 'Switch off or on'

I know from a little research, That a person can 'Switch' between sub and dom, Thats cool as I think that fits me perfectly and I reckon if 'J' would become interested, She will be in the same mindset.

But basically, How do you carry on with every day life, Being an 'Equal' couple but also a sub and dom?

Hope that makes sense?

It makes perfect sense, I try and keep it to the bedroom or private, punishments can be kept slightly more outside, e.g. having to wear something secretly. I dont think its a great idea to be like that for all the time as I think it will create divisons. As you said, you can be sub and dom and also equal in the bedroom, go to what the mood takes you. Communication is the key and safe words. You could have a code word for what mood you were in as well.

For some people Dom/sub can be a lifestyle choice and you don't turn it off out of the bedroom but the key thing is it's based on respect. A sub isn't just a tool, they're a willing tool.

I don't see a problem because it's based around respect, SSC, safe, sane and consensual and RACK, risk aware consentual kink. It's not something I'm in to in that way but I think people change their behaviour depending on the context everyday so I don't see why it would be any different with boundaries.

Well Seduce said he wanted to be dom, sub and equal so that isnt going to work the whole time and with people around its harder, which is why i suggested bedroom for now.

He did and I agree.

I was however pointing out that the same principles as any relationship still hold, respect and consent, in and out the bedroom and he need not worry about such a distinction between the 'equal' lifestyle and the at times unequal sex play.

Yeh, I think even when we get our own place it'lll probably stay at home.

The main reason I ask I think is because myself and 'J' have 'mental health' issues ( Nothing major )

And I was concerned about something that could effect our state of mind you know?

For example, I read Lubeyanka's Prostate Milking guide and although, From my interest I liked it and found it extremely informative, I was really put off by the whole 'Conditioning' thing. That could really fuck with someones mind no? Even if they were consenting to it. I may be wrong?!

Anyway, I have spoken a little bit to 'J' about it all.

First off I made sure that she knows we wouldn't try anything she or I don't want to, Both with bdsm and not.

Plus, Bear in mind, We're not even having sex still, So early early days yet.

So for example, Because of the person I am and my mindset, I am in NO WAY interested in being humiliated, Sissyfied or de-masculinated.

I couldn't take c&b torture or trampling as I have Hyper-Sensative balls and joint problems, So the trampling thing would kind not be good for that lol.

But it still leaves me with a lot of stuff I can and do want to try/do...

Obviously being restrained, Ball gag, Teasing, Whipping/spanking, Anal play, Orgasm denial, Pegging etc all come into it if I'm in the Sub role ( No! I'm not dinner lol! ) That does interest me.

And in a Dom role, I would like to take on like a Strict yet caring doctoresque mindset... Well that's one of them anyway.

I have to be mindfull of 'J' as she was in an abusive relationship before she met me, So it would be kept light, Non-Threatning ( Ie slapping, fish hooking, face-f''cking, throat grabbing are OUT. ) and with an underlying sense of humour and fun. That's even IF she was interested.

So I suppose I would like to restrain her, Use various toys on her, But mainly teasing ( As she teases me all the time lol ), Maybe some form of orgasm denial play. Exploration etc...

And I would like to play around on the whole Gynecologist aspect, But without making it painful!

So yeh, Quite a specific set of stuff just to begin with lol.

I do hope that one day we will try it out at least, If not, That's cool, I can always fantasize about it all still.

'P'

Dom and sub relationships can be whatever you want it to be. Most of them arent that extreme, the underlying respect is that a sub WANTS to please a dom and is willing to, they arent supposed to be builled into submission, that is abuse. A dom will punish a sub if they havent acted accordingly or what the dom wished, the punishment should fit the crime and the sub should not be beaten for anything. The sub may enjoy heavy pain and so the dom may punish the sub that way for bigger offences. A good dom will never beat a sub and truely cares for the subs well being.

A good website I found is: http://www.altsubmission.com/beginner.html its definatley worth a look, well a read

So for example, Because of the person I am and my mindset, I am in NO WAY interested in being humiliated, Sissyfied or de-masculinated.

I couldn't take c&b torture or trampling as I have Hyper-Sensative balls and joint problems, So the trampling thing would kind not be good for that lol.

Not all sub/dom relationships are like this, very few are in fact. Like I said, a good dom would never majorally hurt a sub in any way, spanking is usually permitted but on a controlled scale, having a red and a sore bum is ok, having that for 3 days and not being able to sit down isnt.

Obviously being restrained, Ball gag, Teasing, Whipping/spanking, Anal play, Orgasm denial, Pegging etc all come into it if I'm in the Sub role ( No! I'm not dinner lol! ) That does interest me.

And in a Dom role, I would like to take on like a Strict yet caring doctoresque mindset... Well that's one of them anyway.

This is what many sub/dom couples like, as I said, the dom and sub care for each other and the sub wants to please the dom, will get rewarded and will like to please them even more, punishment and reward.
In this case, the punishment and reward must be done swiftly and once, a sub cant be punished for a crime a week later, this isnt fair.

Most sub/dom relationships are set by boundaries, what the dom expects of the sub, what the sub can do and what the the punishments and rewards are. Which must fit the crimes, I cant stress this enough. There are many people that think that doms beat the sub up, doesnt care about the sub and treats them like dirt, and the sub being too terrified to do anything about it.

You know what? I think maybe my view has very probably been 'tainted' by the way the porn industry portrays bdsm.

I've obviously seen the very extreme, Hardcore end of the scale lol. A lot of it does scare me and I sometimes think to myself, Are these girls seriously enjoying it? Because they clearly look like they're very VERY uncomfortable!

I think I'm more scared of being the Dom as I'm a softy at heart and couldn't harm a fly! lol

I had an OH once that wanted me to do 'things' to her and I ran A mile because all I could think of was not wanting to hurt her!

I hope this has helped you seduce, take a read at that website, its very informative. Good luck with everything and later bringing in Bondage & BDSM, when you do, remember safe words or symbols, communication and check the person is ok.

Well, the type of fairly mild kinky I enjoy is pretty much what you're after I think. I don't enjoy the harder stuff, I can't enjoy it if it feels to violent, I'm much to laid back and placid!

Almost all the kink we play about with is teasing or indulging in that fine line between pleasure and pain. Spanking, teasing, bondage, dominating (but more I need this now, pleasure me rather than I'm forcing you to do it). Neither of us get off on causing pain but we may get off from the pleasurable pain (in a physical sense, that fine line).

It is a rather complicated issue and rather hard explain! Might come back to this.

Seduced wrote:

You know what? I think maybe my view has very probably been 'tainted' by the way the porn industry portrays bdsm.

I've obviously seen the very extreme, Hardcore end of the scale lol. A lot of it does scare me and I sometimes think to myself, Are these girls seriously enjoying it? Because they clearly look like they're very VERY uncomfortable!

I think I'm more scared of being the Dom as I'm a softy at heart and couldn't harm a fly! lol

I had an OH once that wanted me to do 'things' to her and I ran A mile because all I could think of was not wanting to hurt her!

Yes thats always a problem, many people only see the really hardcore, this isnt the case in most cases. The hardcore cases are played up, the woman is being payed and can walk out at any time, its made to look as though she is being 'raped' or whatever because some men enjoy watching that, and unfortunatley, people seem to think the real world and relationships are like this, giving Bondage & BDSM and sub/dom, master/slave relationships a bad name.

headsouth wrote:

We aren't in very deep really, but when I've been being partciularly dom (or if she has) once I've come, and she hopefully has a few times too, we have a cuddle in silence, then she digs me in the ribs and says "go make me a cup of tea!", I try to tickle her and life carries on as normal.

I like this a lot!!!

headsouth wrote:

We aren't in very deep really, but when I've been being partciularly dom (or if she has) once I've come, and she hopefully has a few times too, we have a cuddle in silence, then she digs me in the ribs and says "go make me a cup of tea!", I try to tickle her and life carries on as normal.

That gives me a warm fuzzy image! Bless you lovebirds!

MasqueradeMinx wrote:

Seduced wrote:

You know what? I think maybe my view has very probably been 'tainted' by the way the porn industry portrays bdsm.

I've obviously seen the very extreme, Hardcore end of the scale lol. A lot of it does scare me and I sometimes think to myself, Are these girls seriously enjoying it? Because they clearly look like they're very VERY uncomfortable!

I think I'm more scared of being the Dom as I'm a softy at heart and couldn't harm a fly! lol

I had an OH once that wanted me to do 'things' to her and I ran A mile because all I could think of was not wanting to hurt her!

Yes thats always a problem, many people only see the really hardcore, this isnt the case in most cases. The hardcore cases are played up, the woman is being payed and can walk out at any time, its made to look as though she is being 'raped' or whatever because some men enjoy watching that, and unfortunatley, people seem to think the real world and relationships are like this, giving Bondage & BDSM and sub/dom, master/slave relationships a bad name.

It's a great shame it has to be like this, This why I prefer amateur porn over anything these days!

Seduced wrote:

It's a great shame it has to be like this, This why I prefer amateur porn over anything these days!

As do I, its much more realistic, anime style is the worst by far!

Yes, A lot more realistic. However I've seen very few homemade bdsm vids :(

i think its all personal i think i could sit here and descirbe how my relationship works and how we bring bdsm into our relationship and about one person would be the same, i think its all trial and error and how you feel comfortable being!

sorry i've not been very helpful but i just think it is something that obviously when your OH feels up for it and for discussion then it is something you should talk to her about and you can see how you want it!

for me as soon as we're finished so to speak we go back to normal

VW x

Thanks Vampy ;;) No what you say makes sense!

Oh, check your fb, You'll see why when you do

Seduced wrote:

headsouth wrote:

We aren't in very deep really, but when I've been being partciularly dom (or if she has) once I've come, and she hopefully has a few times too, we have a cuddle in silence, then she digs me in the ribs and says "go make me a cup of tea!", I try to tickle her and life carries on as normal.

I like this a lot!!!

This sounds very familiar