Threesome mistake!

Sex Tips & Talk
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This is Ben, not sam. I can use my own account sometimes :rofl:. She posts alot and I know she posted about this the other day.

I feel like a complete idiot. A drunken hour of madness has screwed my head up. We bumped into a mate of mine in the pub. He has free rain when it comes to sleeping with other woman. I know his wife well also. They live near us so we walked home with him and ended up at his place. Had a drink and me and him got naked in the hot tub. Sam has always wanted 2 guys at the same time so I thought id give her that chance. I said to her that she doesnt have to do anything. We can just have a drink and she can stay sat on the side.

She didnt need a 2nd invitation. Me and her started kissing while the other guy watched. I asked her what she wanted and she said, for both of us to play with her. The other guy asked me all the way through if I was happy before he did anything. Sam was pretty much up for anything as I knew she would be. She was instructing him to bite her nipples hard and spank her etc. She asked me if she could suck his cock. I agreed.

She sucked him while I licked her ass and pussy from behind. Then he went down on her with my permission while I groped her tits. That’s when I started to doubt the whole thing.

She went from sucking him to him licking her and I felt a little frozen out. She was getting close to cumming and I panicked. I didnt want another guy to make her cum.

The fantasy had finished in my head. Sam was loving it but I felt strange and numb.

I thanked my mate for being very respectful and we left.

Since then. We have talked. She said she thought the whole thing was strange as we hadn’t discussed actually doing this before hand. She said it was fun but she was worried she would upset me, but admitted she did start to get carried away.

We have a very good relationship and a healthy sex life. Iv never ever seen her flirt or show any interest in other men since weve been together. We do see sex differently, I struggle to get intimate with a woman if I dont have feelings for them. Whereas sex to Sam is just sex and stranger sex used to be a big turn on for her.

We will be fine going forward but im not wanting to repeat it anytime soon. She agrees and wonders whatever got into me in the 1st place. Iv no idea. Lack of cumminication and me over thinking things.

I feel rather upset about the whole thing if im honest. Iv apologised profusely to Sam for putting her in that position. She isnt bothered by it one bit. Only that im upset.

What an idiot! :tired_face:

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Hello Ben.

We all know there are ups and downs in life, mistakes we all make.

True partners are there for each other. No, that doesn’t mean everything we do is OK, but they still are there for us, listen to us, hear us out.

I’m glad she isn’t bothered by this.

So you were/are bothered by it. It happened. All you may do now is to learn from it for the future and I’m sure you have or will.

I’m happy to hear from her and you that both of you have discussed this. Communication is so important and neither of you shied away from actually discussing this and that’s a great thing.

You said you’re not sure what led to this from your point of view.

Give it time and I’m sure you will be able to work that out in your head. It may take several days or even weeks but it’s worth contemplating for sure.

We all have emotions and you experienced some in the moment and you’re experiencing other emotions now, afterwards.

It can take time to process many emotions.

In fact, some quickly rush to try and figure out or resolve something and that’s a mistake many times. They are trying to put it to bed or put it behind them so they rush through trying to come up with a reason why they did something.

Don’t rush this process Ben. It’s OK to contemplate, to let it “marinate” in your mind a while.

It’s better to do that and really get to the bottom of it than rushing through it just to get it in your past, in your rear view mirror so to speak.

For way too long in my life I rushed through things too quickly, in my mind I mean. I wanted them resolved and over with. Too many times I found out, later on, I hadn’t properly resolved them and they returned to bite me in my ass.

I’m NOT saying this will return to bite you in your ass Ben. I don’t know you.

I’m just trying to caution you from trying to rush through this to come up with a reason.

I mean you said to us “Iv no idea. Lack of cumminication and me over thinking things.”

Give it time, think about it from different perspectives, talk with Miss Sam some more as need be and it will work itself out.

And as always, be honest with yourself about this. For so long, I wasn’t able to really be honest with myself and I suffered due to that.

You’re on the right path. You’re communicating about it with your partner, you’re thinking about it etc.

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Thank you for your kind words. You speak alot of sense.

Over the first year of our relationship, we discussed fantasies and things. Like most people. Her biggest one was with 2 guys. She would bring it up quite reguarly and drop it into conversations etc. Eventually id had enough and told her so. Since then, she has rarely mentioned it but it still bothered me. A few months ago the subject came up again when we were watchinh a film and she said “you would never allow that”. That’s been on my mind ever since.

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Thank you.

“Since then, she has rarely mentioned it but it still bothered me.”

I’m not a therapist but when you said “but it still bothered me.” that jumped out at me right away.

First, it’s good that you recognized what it was that bothered you. Many times, I wasn’t even able to identify what it was that bothered me so I was stuck at step 1, so to speak.

You’ve identified what it is that bothered you and of course that played into what happened the other day/night with your friend, Miss Sam and yourself.

Now you get to keep working on this in your mind to find out other ways you could have dealt with it with yourself and with your partner other than what occurred the other night.

The same thing hit me when you said “That’s been on my mind ever since.”

Things on our minds for a long time need to be identified, worked on and then resolved. You’ve identified it, so you’re good there.

When things bother us, especially for a long time, they will come out in our lives in some way (like what happened with the three of you the other night).

Since it’s still on your mind and you’re still bothered by her comment, there is still work for you to do regarding this. I wish I could tell you want to do to resolve this, but I can’t.

This is something for you and your partner to work through. Maybe you have to work on things first before involving your partner again (maybe not, again I don’t pretend to know either of you).

I just say that because many times I rushed into discussing things with my 1st wife when I wasn’t close to being ready to actually discuss them as I hadn’t come close to working through them in my own mind. I found I/we went in circles many of those times or she simply steam rolled me as I really didn’t have a proper grasp of the issue, my feelings and my reactions to the situation which meant I shouldn’t have really been discussing it with her at that time.

Last point. Many of us want to rush to resolve something. We want it to be quick, like a light turning on when we use a light switch.

Sadly, with emotions involved, with a partner being involved and with an issue that has been in your lives a while, it’s a process, not a fix that may be done in a few minutes with a discussion between your wife and you.

I’m not talking about you now Ben as I don’t know you. I’m talking generally. Many don’t want to put in the time or effort to work through things when it’s a process. If they can’t resolve it quickly, they sweep it under the rug.

Folks say time heals and that’s true, sometimes. It’s true when folks actually resolve things. Time will heal those issues then.

When folks don’t resolve an issue and just sweep it under the rug, they come to find out that time does NOT heal those issues for them. In fact, they have a way of returning even worse later on down the road when they’ve been swept under the rug.

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I have to say I have never been in the position like that, with one of us doing something sexual outside our normal range of things. But, how you experienced the event and how your OH did seem quite different. That said, the negative feelings for you might take a while to abate. For you, it was a traumatic experience, not for her. It is crucial that you both take time to let the feelings normalize. You will probably always remember the event with some bad feelings. As long as you trust each other and respect the others feelings things will probably be ok. Hopefully the event was a one off, and it didn’t fuel a yen to repeat it. Then you can move on as before and stay the loving couple you always have been.

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@ben85 Have to say congrats to your mindfulness! I will also it is rare that two stories match up so well. In my mind I wouldn’t get to bogged down. You both admitted to getting carried away by the moment, had some questions if not regrets and have a stong desire to move on.

In my mind, which means nothing except to my perception, You two are good and are going to be better. At least you appear to be good with communicatinmg your feelings and trust to me that is 99% of the process.

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Yeah after reading both your and Sams posts, I think you’re good.

My OH and I have very different ideas of what fantasies are yet most of them are very similar if not identical. To her they’re things that turn her on to think and talk about but will never happen because they’re too extreme for real life. To me my fantasies are things I absolutely want to do, would do under the correct circumstances, and in many cases have actively pursued ( with her ). Somewhere we try to meet in the middle and its never perfect but working out ok.

You’re not an idiot. Keep talking about it and perhaps don’t shut down her fantasy of a threesome when she brings it up. You’ve tried ( for her ) and weren’t comfortable. Thats fine. But so long as she understands that as far as you’re concerned its a fantasy only, and you understand she’s talking about it to turn herself on .. then leave it at that.

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You’re not an idiot Ben. It just isn’t for you. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Learn, move on.

It works for some people, it works for us, but it doesn’t work for more people than it does. You’re in that latter category.

You’re communicating. That’s the best thing.

Take care. Both of you xx

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fantasy vs reality is always a real shocker sometimes. We all have ideas in our heads and sometimes they play out really well and other times they don’t, I’d suggest not beating yourself up or apologising. You tried something, you all consented, it wasn’t for you. Just tick it off your list and focus on new and fun things.

I was in a similar situation with an ex and we tried things with a friend of ours, everything about the situation was awkward, communication was lacking, it didn’t feel very hygienic and he wasn’t the Stallion which he always told everyone :rofl:. Before it got too far we had a safety word and made an excuse, she said she felt sick from Drinking and it shut it all down.

Iv seen your posts for years and can see your a couple who do enjoy eachother and a lot of love is there, so focus on the positives. You can’t take things back, but you can learn from them and move on. Just don’t kill your relationship over a few drunken minutes.

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This is something you have found out is not for you. Luckerly Sam is not too concerned, move on, forget it and never mention again. Learn from the mistake and accept it is not for you.

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Sharing the OH is not something I could do either. She’s posted sexy pics before on a forum and I have to admit I find the thought of other blokes being aroused by her pictures extremely hot but would be far too jealous for anything else.

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Not an idiot at all, things happen in the moment especially when alcohol is involved and you did manage to reign it all back before it got too carried away!

So glad you both have great communication and aired it all out :slightly_smiling_face: perhaps just put this down to an exploration!

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Thanks everyone. Thinks are still abit foggy in my head. One minute im blaming her for not taking a step back and saying no. Sam was fairly sober where as myself and the other guy were very very drunk. She has admitted that her 1st thought was one of confusion as she knew i wouldn’t like it.

She said its no big deal to her as she has slept with a fair few strangers in her past, which I know about, so theres zero emotion attached from her perspective.

The images iv got in my head either make me want to throw up or make me really horny. One minute I cant look at her, and the next we are at it like rabbits.

We talked again about fantasies. I want mine to stay fantasies though, where as sam is open to making them reality. She still has a mfm and dp on her bucket list but says if its going to mess me up then its not worth doing.

Time will help and we will be ok im sure

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We live and learn and better to try something out knowing you won’t again, rather than wanting to try it and never going for it.

We all make mistakes. Me and my wife are discussing a threesome but she’ll only do it with another woman and I’m ok with it but the only thing I said I would t do was to fuck this other woman as she wanted to watch me do that but I know after it I’d feel weird like I’d cheated

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You have worked out it’s not for you and that’s ok and the fact that she is ok with it that’s it’s not for you is a good thing I guess you just have to move on from that and be ok with it now .

Pre OH I had no sexual experience so it’s not something I ever thought of doing I know my OH did once have that experience pre us although I never knew much detail of it did used make me a little jealous lol .

there is no way I would even contemplate that kind of thing if you were in a relationship with one of the participants I for one would not like to share my OH with another girl and I’m def sure he would feel the same with me with a guy , and like you it would be very weird and icky .i guess it either works for you in a relationship or it doesn’t .

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I’m sorry, but for me, this changes the calculus completely.

So, she KNEW you wouldn’t like it and she KNEW you were very drunk and she still went ahead with doing this.

That was completely wrong on her part.

In such a situation, one’s partner should have put the brakes on this and then the next day talked to you about it, when you were sober.

She should have said something to you the next day like "Ben, last night you wanted to do something I knew you wouldn’t like and you were drunk so I said no. I wanted to wait until you were sober and we talked about it alone. If this is something you really do want to pursue with that friend and me, then we may do it but only after we talked about it when you were sober and only after you and I talked about it alone, not in the moment with your friend there. I want you to make a decision like this while you are sober and with a clear head, not when you’re drunk and when all of us were in the moment. "

I don’t care that it was about sex. The topic and details could be about many other things but they are secondary here.

One’s partner here went ahead with doing something she knew her partner wouldn’t like and she went ahead with it while he was drunk.

She should have hit the brakes that night and not gone ahead with this under those circumstances.

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Samantha here. I agree with you and I wish I had done. I was not sober, just not as drunk as them.

I am very submissive. Ben knows this. Its hard to explain but Ben pretty much has free use of me.

Everything that happened was instructed by ben. I had no interest in touching the other guy but ben told me too. Of course I could have said no, and I wish I had, but in the moment, its what ben wanted. The minute he called it off, we left.

I enjoyed the attention. Having 2 guys fondle and play with you, what’s not to like.

Ben blames himself but we are both to blame here. Or maybe no one is to blame. Live and learn and move on. Which we are doing.

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I think given you’ve talked about this, and provided Ben has cleared it in his head ( he said he keeps having wobbles so there might still be some talking to be done ) .. provided all that .. then your last line is as good a place to be.

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Miss Sam,

First, I am far from perfect. I’ve made way too damn many mistakes in life, some of them were huge mistakes too, important I mean.

None of us are perfect.

In therapy after my divorce, when trying to reconstruct my life, I realized during all that therapy that the root cause of things was much more important to identify, work on, address and resolve than to simply gloss over the surface issues of an example.

So many of us, myself included for so long, just gloss over the root cause of things and instead just deal with the surface issues/examples.

Yes, there are details about what happened, drinking, the hot tub, a 3rd etc. But those details and things that happened really aren’t the main point or root cause.

Ben and you can both apologize and move on of course or the two of you can use what happened to dive deeper and work on the larger overall issue between the two of you regarding this.

I say this because this didn’t just come out of left field, out of the blue for you that night in the hot tub.

It was a continuation of longer standing things in your lives, both of your lives. That hadn’t been resolved in such a way to that point so what took place that night in the hot tub was able to take place.

Had the two of you been able to work through that whole topic together before then, then what happened in the hot tub the other night wouldn’t have happened or it would have happened with zero issues depending upon how Ben and you had addressed and resolved this larger overall issue.

When things are talked about but not really resolved and they are just left hanging out there, things like incident in the hot tub the other night are able to happen.

My concern isn’t really with what happened in the hot tub the other night, but how that was able to happen in the first place. What steps enabled that to take place? What wasn’t dealt with by Ben and you regarding this issue that allowed such an incident to take place?

I guess what I’m getting at is accountability. I was terrible at it for so long. I’m still not great at it either as I’m human.

But I far more intentional in what I do, how I deal with people, with boundaries.

If I’m not clear about things, Miss Heather (my wife) could do ABC or XYZ and it could bother me, upset me but I couldn’t blame her if I’d never communicated to her that her doing such things would bother or upset me.

I guess what I’m getting at Miss Sam is that there was probably a way where Ben and you had addressed this overall issue before where that hot tub incident could NOT have taken place.

Again, I’m far from perfect and honestly Miss Sam, I have had MANY “hot tub” incidents in my past (not those exact details, but in other areas with others I mean) with my 1st wife.

Back then I honestly had no idea that many of my so-called “hot tub” incidents NEVER had to take place at all. I contributed to many of them happening by not communicating well, by not setting, maintaining and enforcing proper boundaries etc.

By not doing such things, I allowed such incidents to occur to me and to others in time.

To me, things happen for a reason. I now try to be very intentional about what I do, don’t do etc.

The hot tub incident with Ben and you the other night happened for a reason too. It’s my hope and wish that both Ben and you are able to work on that, identify how and why that happened.

Why is that important for Ben and you to do? It’s important so another “hot tub” incident doesn’t occur for the both of you in say 6 months from now or next year etc. And no, I don’t mean another incident just like this in a hot tub, but anything similar, in a bedroom, in a living room, in a friends home etc.

Both Ben and you seem to be open and communicate about things so I have no doubt the two of you will see this through and really learn from it where such an incident isn’t ever able to happen to the both of you again going forward.

Sorry for the novel.

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Sam here.

Simply put…ben and i have very different views on sex.

Ben has what I would call a normal and healthy view (for the most part) where as I dont.

When I was younger, I used sex as a coping strategy. Some of my friends drank alot or did drugs…I had sex. With all my male friends, friends of friends and strangers from the Internet. Im not proud, just honest.

That said, im as loyal and loving as they come. I was in a 14 year relationship before ben and been with ben 5 years. And never once cheated. Its been the best 5 years of my life.

Ben has never and will never understand my thought processes around sex. I dont get attached at all from sex. The better the sex, the happier I am but i wont develop feelings.

We have great sex but does it make me feel closer to him after we have sex? No! What makes me feel closer to ben is everything else.

The other night was just a mistake. It came about because neither of us were thinking clearly and we were trying to please each other. Ben has been for a beer twice since with the other guy and I picked them both up after. There is no trust issues between us. He feels like hes betrayed himself a little. I feel awful because I didnt stop him.

Weve talked and talked. He asked me to go over every little graphic detail of what happened incase theres bits he cant remember. Hes replayed it in his head over and over. Where as iv not given that night a 2nd thought. Im only concerned about upsetting ben and never letting it happen again.

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