I admitted defeat and it was the best thing for me.
I no longer blamed myself…I learnt to accept it was him and not me. I felt fat…ugly…rejected…and embarrassed about my body and my sexual needs…it also made me depressed and self loathing.
Once I admitted defeat and accepted it was him not me I felt free from all that. Shame it took so many years to realise that.
Can I ask @CurvyJilly - are you still together?
No, not in front of her, but letting her be aware you need to take care of yourself. Like you would if you were having a bath really.
Buy whichever toys you fancy, and treat yourself.
Did she have a very strict upbringing when young? Has there been a trauma that has effected her? At times I think my wife believes sex is to generate children. If no children required whats the point of having sex. Sometimes the joy of sex is never understood. I really don’t know what to suggest. Hopefully someone on here will have better advice. @Chris77
@JustAnotherPervert brought up masturbation. In reading all the posts here, it seems to me that you need to build (or re-build) your intimacy as a couple. She may be opposed to the idea, but have you considered mutual masturbation? Mutual masturbation can be beneficial if there is consent and agreement between the partners. In mutual masturbation, both partners are in the same room when it occurs. The partners may participate in each other’s masturbation, or each partner may just face each other and masturbate separately. In the participation scenario, the partners will be lying on the bed side by side. The man would turn his head towards the woman and lick and/or suck her nipple. He could massage her breasts and kiss her and touch her sensitive zones. The woman could reach over to the man’s penis and stroke it tenderly. She could also use a bullet vibrator to stimulate her clitoris. The man could also aid in the orgasm by tracing a bullet vibrator in a circle around her clitoris, either with the clitoral hood in place or with the clitoral hood pulled back. A laptop could be placed on the bed with an erotic video playing on the laptop, or the video could be playing on the TV in the room. For the orgasm climax, the woman could use clitoral stimulation to orgasm. The man could use penis stroking to climax and ejaculate. Therapists recommend mutual masturbation to build intimacy in the couple, and it also allows the couple to learn the best arousal methods for both partners. An advantage to this is that it takes “who is in control” out of the picture.
Have absolutely considered it @TruthSeeker12345 - but as I mentioned above, my wife doesn’t like the thought of me masturbating (particularly), let alone her. I just can’t see that flying.
I’ve read as much as I can find, and I know that the fact our affection is limited as a (perceived) prelude to sex isn’t helping. I’d love to rebuild intimacy, but so far my efforts have fallen flat. Like pretty much everyone on the planet, we lead busy lives, and while it’s a priority for me, it simply isn’t for her. I know that - despite a conversation to plead otherwise - I think she sees every kiss / cuddle / spooning as an opening gambit for sex. I know this is the first hurdle, but it’s one we’re struggling to get over.
She works incredibly hard and I’m not going to force the issue when she’s knackered. We went away for a few days recently while our daughter was on a school residential. And it was great. Really romantic and intimate, everything I could have hoped for.
But I don’t want a couple of days a year to be the zenith of our intimate encounters - but my gut says it is.
The problem is I can feel myself drawing away as it’s the hope that’s killing me. And I don’t want that. I love my wife so much. I tell her often how sexy I think she is but I don’t think even that’s helping. If I point out how long it’s been since we last had sex, she says she can feel the pressure when we go to bed and knows it’s been a while. But to be honest, it really does sound like she’s describing a chore. So, if that is how she feels, I’d rather just stop altogether. I would love nothing more than to discuss her needs, desires and fantasies, and make it more enjoyable for her - but I’ve tried that and it just didn’t work. It feels like it’s something to be endured, and that is enough to make me give up.
This is such an interesting post, mostly because I could almost have written it word for word myself. Your situation sounds very like my own. I do believe she loves me, but I just think sex is not important for her and she doesn’t need it at all. So, you are definitely not alone. I empathise very much with your situation.
I have been thinking about suggesting that we use something like the Spicer app to find something that we could use to ignite a spark, but not even sure how to bring it up. I think she’d be annoyed that I was searching for a “solution to our problem” given that she doesn’t see that there is a problem.
Speaking of the Spicer app, would love to hear from anyone who has used it or any alternatives that people would recommend?
casting aside your sex lives, I would honestly urge your wife to consider HRT, or at the very least, topical vaginal oestrogen, for the sake of her future health.
there is plenty of downloadable information available and the old reports linking HRT to breast cancer have now been proven to be largely untrue. HRT can help to offer a much better quality of life in later years. topical oestrogen can is not absorbed systemically and can prevent genito-urinary systems of menopause such as UTIs and vaginal atrophy (which can cause severe pain in daily life, not just during sex).
at age 47 she will now be in perimenopause, even if she still has regular periods. this can effect her sleep (feeling hot at night, needing a pee several time a night) and lead to exhaustion. feeling depressed, anxious, muscle pains are also symptoms that are not talked about as much, but can have a real negative impact on daily life.
I’ve often mused on that @Jtf_ie - but sounds like we’re in a similar position, in that I have no idea how to raise the subject. I think she’d shoot me down immediately.
@Jtf_ie I think there’s also a carnal questionnaire (or something along those lines) that you can both complete in your web browser.
@susan50 It’s a long standing joke that my wife is always cold. I’m not sure even bodily changes will affect that!
I’m not sure regarding where she is in that phase of her life. I can’t say I’ve noticed any sort of changes in that regard (though in almost 30 years I couldn’t pinpoint one occassion when she was on her period, it’s never caused any noticeable changes in terms of mood).
Can I ask why you would suggest that as a starting point? I don’t pretend to understand menopause/perimenopause. Totally oblivious in that regard. I have intended to read up on it, but haven’t yet managed to.
maybe you should start be actually reading up about it, instead of just intending to. there’s way more to menopause than feeling hot or cold. perimenopausal symptoms can last for more than 10 years before actual menopause, and the average age of menopause in the UK is 51.
I’m sorry if I came across as trivial. Absolutely wasn’t meant to. My wife and I have discussed her menopause as a friend as recently gone through it. My wife insisted she wasn’t at that stage yet. I wasn’t suggesting that’s all it is.
ok. (although I would still read the books…)
if she’s exhausted during the week, is there anything you could do to relieve her of some of the workload?
if you’re lacking intimacy generally, can you go out for dinner more often, no agenda, just to do things together. go for a concert, go see a play?
can you do things she likes more often - for example, if she likes going for a walk in the countryside, could you do that as a family?
can you afford weekends away every so often, as a family?
Always do all I can in the home, I do pretty much all the cooking (and am happy to), along with my share of the jobs. We’re both very much home bodies - at home with our daughter is where we both want to be.
I’ve never pushed for intimacy, I simply wouldn’t do that - nor do I do things and see it as some guide of quota system to exchange for sex. I do my share because it’s the right thing to.
We do plan things where we can, but we don’t really have anyone close by who can babysit, so nights out as a couple are not that frequent.
Hi Chris,
this seems to be a pretty common theme and I have been in a similar situation over the last few years. Firstly, I think LH forum is one of the best resources for adults on all things relationship / sex as the “membership” is so varied and experienced…and relationships aren’t all that unique.
My wife and I have been in similar positions over the last few years. I have broached the topic a number of times, things would improve for a few weeks and then revert.
This year I took a totally different tact. I told her I would like to discuss our relationship, but in a few days so we could bother gather our thoughts. We both set out where we saw our relationship - worts and all. In summary, we realised we prioritised everything else over and above our marriage. I think this is where you may struggle with your own marriage - you are very respectful of our wife’s needs / wants etc, but is she respectful of yours? This doesn’t seem sustainable to me as Marriage is about compromise.
Some things we have introduced (which I appreciate you might struggle with):
It’s a work in progress but both of us feel we are being listened to and both willing to work on it.
I have no idea if the above is of use to you, but I was at a point of giving up…but I was too stubborn to.
You both need to get into some counseling. Life is too short to be miserable very long. part of being in a relationship is having sex. It is a great part it shows intimacy.
Sorry I would never stay in a relationship like this kids or not. You are hurting them if you have any. Kids are smart and know when things are not right.
You and your child need a whole man. Since your OH refuses to talk about it how can she expect any type of resolution. No sex or sex every other month is unacceptable to most. It bothers you enough to come to a sex toy site and look for answers.
You need to explain to your OH that this is simply unacceptable and either we see a counselor or…you need to do what is best for you and obviously this broken relationship is not good for you. She should also start by seeing her Gyno to make sure everything is in working order.
You don’t need to argue with her. Write down what you want and give her a note and ask that she respond in kind.
If she refuses why would you want to stay with someone that obviously does not care one bit about your mental and sexual health. Talk is cheap. Oh baby I love you but I won’t have sex with you is BS and you know it.
Obviously communication is a huge issue for you both.
I agree with all that 100% @SteeleDagger
I agree with @SteeleDagger , counseling is needed in this case. However, my experience with seeking help for sexual intimacy problems from regular marriage counselors has not been good. I would recommend that you both see a sex therapist for this issue.
Like previous members I think counselling is essential if you want any positive change.
Some of your wife’s behaviour resonates with me as I have previously struggled to communicate about sex as I felt ashamed, embarrassed to have sexual thoughts and suffered from low self esteem. I was also afraid to show my H affection as I worried that would give out signals that I wanted sex when I didn’t…but obviously I couldn’t communicate so he didn’t know that…
I personally would not suggest a sex therapist per se. This may get a negative response from your wife, who from your posts doesn’t sound comfortable talking about sex. I might infer if I were her, that you see your difficulties as purely about sex, whereas it seems that the foundation of the difficulty could be more complex, and not actually about sex itself.
I would look for a counsellor who has sexual counselling in their skillset, but when suggesting counselling to your wife focus on a desire to build a foundation of communication and understanding for you as a couple to have a happier future together.
Good luck x
P.S sorry for the lengthy reply.