@Latestr8 you’re reading a lot in lines that were never written.
I very rarely ask for sex when I want to, but sometimes discuss with my wife how we can maximise opportunities.
Communication simply is the key.
You want something? Ask for it. It may or may not happen.
If you want a specific shirt/guitar you really fancy, you wouldn’t expect your wife to simply bring it to you, because unless you’ve discussed it with her, she hasn’t got a clue.
She’s not in your head.
For those who are following this and other posts, tonight I took the step that I dreaded, and wrote a note to my wife about our sexual issues. It was the only way I could do this and try to make my point without sounding angry. I know many of you have been reacting negatively to my posts, and I agree, sometimes they sound strange, but I am trying the best as i can to try to resolve some long standing issues that I have ignored for far too long. There are many things in my life that have inhibited my ability to ask for what I need, some of those factors were instrumental in the demise of my previous marriage. Every one of you have their own way of dealing with issues, and most have been successful. I have never been equipped with some of the tools you may possess. I was not trolling this forum for sympathy but more trying to gain perspective in how to deal with delicate questions, and things I have little experience with. Harsh retributions do not help my case. I would expect people who have gone through the myriad of sex related issues to understand and be willing to give guidance, which I would certainly do if so inclined. Many of you come from very robust sexual experiences, which shapes your responses. Bear in mind my (our) situation is likely much different than your own. I DO appreciate any responses I get from this forum. I hope I can continue to gain more wisdom and support from the members.
For what it’s worth, I tried my best to be kind and loving, but I can’t believe she will not react like it is an assault on her. I expect bad repercussions from this action.
I would be careful about making sweeping assumptions, everyone starts off with a nerve-wracking conversation at some point. Some people may have had those conversations earlier in life, sure, but it doesn’t mean they weren’t filled with an anxiety similar to what you feel today. Many of us here are trying to help you, as we help others too, but if you get defensive and attack people for expressing their opinions, people may be less inclined to try to help or understand. You have written several posts of similar issues, and you do appear to attribute the issues to others much quicker than how you appear to be willing to look at your contribution to the problem. Pattern recognition is a thing.
That being said, writing a note is a huge first step, so a massive well done. It doesn’t matter if your wife reacts positively or negatively, you took a first step and you should be immensely proud of yourself for that. Being vulnerable is bloody scary, I fully understand that. It takes balls to do it anyway.
How your wife reacts now, more than anything, is information for you. If she reacts positively and openly? Great, you can start a conversation which we can support you through. If she reacts negatively? That’s a different kettle of fish and, sadly, something I think many here can relate to. What matters though is you’ve stopped expecting her to know what’s on your mind. You’ve told her now, and for that you should be proud.
Nothing more to add really as its all been said before. At the end of the day you need to have a long good conversation with your wife and only you know how to talk to her, how I might bring up a conversation and talk to a partner might be totally wrong for your wife. Just be thoughtful patient and understanding, and don’t rush the conversation, make it about both of you not just you or your wife.
Having just woke up, I read the note I left for my wife, and on the balance it sounds to me to not be accusing but a loving reach out for understanding. She may not take it that way. She is still sleeping so I will not know her reaction for several hours. I did not sleep well last night for several reasons, some of which were anxiety from her reactions, as well
as yours collectively. I hoped not to be pointing accusing fingers at anyone here though ay have anyway. As I sit here sipping my coffee I dread the sunrise and what may follow.
You can help yourself by heeding advice and acting on it as you have done. Nobody here hates you, but when you keep lashing out at the people you turned to for help, they will be more reluctant to help you in the future. People have opinions, you might not like them and you might not agree with them, but if you ask for help, you have to understand that the help you get might not be the help you wanted. Just something to keep in mind going forward 
It sounds like your anxiety has the better hold of you, have you spoken to your doctor about that? I had therapy through the NHS for mine and it was life-changing for me. It’s not worth suffering in silence.
I am actually on an anti anxiety med, and have just increased my dosage. I have noted a drop in my anxiety since that change. Besides that, I have re-started my meditation and Tai-Chi practices to help be more balanced. The anxiety over our sexual,relationship has dominated my brain for quite a while, way before I discovered this site. If anything, the discovery of this site has ignited my desire for changes, which largely have been unvoiced. My fear of voicing any ideas has kept me from advancing past the thought process. The note I left may open the door to communication or slam it shut, I do not know. It is a start.
Medication works for some and not for others, but if you feel it helps you, that can only be a positive thing.
You have taken the first step now, and you checked your note and you actually sound confident in what you wrote in it, even if you’re nervous about the outcome. Distract yourself now if you can. Our brains are horrible for making us think of worse case scenarios, and that’s coming from someone who once convinced herself that a cinema multiplex was akin to a strategic military target. At least I can laugh at rhe absurdity of it now, even if it felt like a very real threat back then.
Am I the only one that is looking forward to telling a future partner about my kinks, it’s going to be so much fun again explaining why I’m such a freak 
I was doing my meditation and my brain kept veering into possible topics to discuss with her, and how that interchange could go. I have so much fear at this point, I almost regret writing the note. I know that I needed to do something as the anxiety was crushing me. I have been down this road before with my ex wife, where a lot of things went unspoken. I felt powerless to change things then, she held the power in that relationship. I sense the same feelings happening now and it scares me.
How you do it matters. Do not, under any circumstances, do as I did. Off at the deep end, “I’m into BDSM”.
I should say that it was not a confident speech. It was the admission of a woman who would rather be anywhere but there
That regret is normal, it’s your brain trying to clutch at safety and familiarity. Think of it like when a kid tells a parent they don’t want to go to school, and the parent still makes them go. You’re making your brain go to school and, hopefully, teaching it that good things happen when it tries
Definitely going straight to the freaky part will not go dwn well, it’s all about the moment and the person.
I would probably be a little nervous, but explaining it would be so fun, I learnt the hard way a long time ago, that you need to explain properly not just assume.
Thats why when I was in another relationship I took my time and explained it and she listened and asked questions, then she said she loved knowing it. Life is far too short not to share your likes with a partner even if your partner isn’t into it, it’s all about the sharing.
Fortunately despite my faux pas, things did end well - his initial reaction was “eww”, then lots of questions… now my husband probably has the bug as bad as I do
He did admit that much of his perceptions of BDSM were from media, and me sitting down with him and answering his questions really helped separate fact from fiction.
Well, she is now up, and I went upstairs to get my watch and she did not SCREAM obscenities at me…..so.
I will NOT jump into the deep end of the pool, I’m not crazy ( some may disagree) more, just tiptoeing into basic desires, like trimming pubic hair, lingerie, toys, maybe some light bondage or blindfolded play. Heck, even if she recognizes how I feel about not being satisfied will be a HUGE deal.
Best of luck to you.
Sad when the stresses and hectic lifestyle gets in the way
Well, the bomb has dropped ! It was a teeny-tiny bomb. After we had our breakfast, we sat, and she said, “ I read your note, and am sorry about neglecting you “. WOW !! So the conversation started out and we covered a lot of ground. I told her that my issue was not with our sex life in general, though it could be better, but how I felt left out at times, and how the simple act of coming back to me soon after any lost orgasm, and showing any notion to continue the play at a later time would make me feel appreciated.
Then we spoke of how we had BOTH allowed our sex play to become boring and mundane, not pointing any fingers. We agreed we needed to regain some of the PLAY and titillation that we had at one time, not just doing the minimum to get off, but to enjoy the experience, and savor the sensations.
We agreed to look at finding ways to enhance our play, in a way that was non threatening, and mutually satisfying.
Then she said she didn’t have much going on today until late afternoon, and would I like to get some sex play in ? I was floored, to say the least. So after cleaning up dishes and some time for my ED meds to kick in ( just in case) we adjourned to the bedroom for some chat and fondling, focusing on what felt good to me. We talked about our favorite memories from years ago, and explored touch and stroking on me, including a lot of oral.
We fooled around for a long time, and she insisted today was just for my pleasure. We were about to head toward intercourse, and I stopped her playing with herself, and returned the pleasure of oral, until she prompted me to enter her, which I did, as I was just about crazy by this time. We made love for a little while until I had probably the strongest orgasm I have had in years, I got a rush that made my head spin. Afterwards, we cuddled, and talked some more, and made a promise to keep the momentum going.
She again apologized for any missed opportunities and said she would try to be more aware of my concerns in the future.
This was so much more than I could have ever imagined. I am glad I reached out to you and others for guidance, and extremely happy I did not let fear constrain my effort to try to make things better for us both.
Now we are on a path that may very be the best thing that has happened to us sexually since we met each other years ago. My head is still spinning, and I feel more visible and loved than I have in a long while.
Yay! I’m so pleased for you both. I hope you can both keep up the momentum from here, and don’t forget to keep communicating with her, before you communicate with us