Toys for "Him" insecurities

Writing this feels very uncomfortable, but here goes...

I have a large collection of vibrators, dildos and bullets. Mostly bought for by my OH. We use them together and me on my own (which he's totally cool with, it actually drives him mad at the thought) and adds fireworks to our amazing relationship! Soooooo.... why am I feeling so insecure and (shamefully) jealous at the thought of him using a male toy? Actually feel embarrassed and totally unjustified with such childish thoughts!

Keep trying to make sense of why I feel this way, but in all honesty I think I'm probably making excuses for myself... I initially brought up the conversation about getting "him" a play toy and made the suggestion of getting it, which he was surprisingly not into and showed no interest!

Ironically, he's been sent one and his reaction could not have been more different to when we had a convo about them! Now I'm not sure if that's what's making me feel meh, or the fact that it's modelled (supposed to be the real deal just cloned) on an actual real persons parts, makes me feel really icky! Not one of my toys have a "stars" name attached to them and to me is just a toy, an added extra, enhancer. His seems so much more personal 😣

Seems really aimed at who it's based on and quite seedy. I'm well aware that sex sells and men love a hot, beautiful chick, but I don't like that's it's my man. How bloody ridiculous do I sound I know... Am I way to jealous and a bit mental? Or can anyone else understand my... well whatever is?


You tend to skip out on the seediness as you scale up in price, I find. The seediness often seems to be a tool for making cheap products sell like hot cakes.

Really? It's quite pricey! Looks the part, not sure why they need to promote it based mainly on the "star"? Very frustrating. He wants me to get involved, but I feel (selfishly) reluctant 🤔

@SmokingHotLove I don't like the Thrust toys that are meant to be cast from a porn stars lady garden either. Also hearing people refer to them by name gives me the icks.

Although I do accept that some people are more visually stimulated - men and women. It is probably not much different to women liking realistic dildos I suppose. I don't like them either tbh.

All the said if being able to enjoy play time with his your OH is important to you it may be something you have to learn to accept I'm afraid but don't feel bad for feeling the way you do.

I think it's a normal feeling to feel, you're definitely not crazy, mental or stupid!

I have absolutely no interest in realistic dildos and I think if I did, I could see my other half feeling quite betrayed. I think I would feel similarly disheartened if he chose to masturbate with a realistic vagina toy. I think it's all the same part of the brain that makes people jealous when they find out their partners are watching porn. Not all toys can suit everyone, and it sounds like realistic toys are a no-go area for you, and that is totally okay.

But as we know, compromise is super important. Do you use realistic dildos? You may need to come around to the idea of him using realistic vagina toys if you do, to keep the peace. If you don't, perhaps there are toys that he could use as a compromise to you. There are lots of male toys on the market that don't look like vaginas.

Hi, we have a similar feeling in our relationship. OH doesnt like the "real model" male toys. And im ok with that, there are plenty on here that arent "realistic" and do just as good a job.

I dont mind her using realistic toys at all, but thats just me i guess.

Have a chat about it and let him know how you feel. Have a little shop for one that you are both happy with maybe?

I have emailed you about this recent tester. It may be best to return it and have the discussion with your OH.

That way when you come to add items to your tester wishlist you know what will be suitable in the eye's of both parties invloved. 

Have you told your man how you feel? Acknowledging that you are bothered by it is great - you are totally allowed to find something uncomfortable. Its also totally normal to feel weird with your own feelings about it - it doesnt have to make sense! Speak to him about it, dont make him feel bad for being excited about it or enjoying it or whatever just let him know honestly that it bothers you - and why. Although I get what others have said about you having realistic toys/compromising etc but does he have an issue with you using those? If he does then obviously you do need to be sensitive to his feelings there and maybe refresh your toy collection but if he isnt bothered then I don't think you should have to just get used to the idea of him using a realistic toy. Although that is very much something personal to your relationship and needs to be discussed between you both.

As some others have said, shop for something you feel comfortable with together. Have a good look at other models and decide on something that pleases you both

Speaking as someone who has used these toys.... I honestly couldn't give a flying fig who it was modelled on. I don't know any porn stars, don't have their posters on my wall or use their pictures as a desktop wallpaper. I can honestly say i probably wondered who the "star" was more than i should have done. When i've bought one of these toys, my decision has been based on what the ridges inside look like, because, well, that's what gets the job done.

As for his attitude about buying the toy in the first place, well maybe he doesn't like attention as directly as putting it to him in a conversation. Just because he wasn't interested, doesn't mean he wasn't interested. I was the same once; my partner had loads of toys, i didn't even have so much as a bottle of lube. I think it was a confidence issue for me, i also didn't like the thought of pleasure for myself, thinking it was selfish, but now you have the toy he doesn't need to feel brave enough to ask for it.

It's not daft to attach that feeling of "ickyness" or even a pinch of jealousy at his new-found interest, but if your OH is anything like me, trust me, he just wants to get his rocks off.

Good luck.

Mo D wrote

It's not daft to attach that feeling of "ickyness" or even a pinch of jealousy at his new-found interest, but if your OH is anything like me, trust me, he just wants to get his rocks off.

To be fair my husband would be exactly the same

I get what you mean. I was all up for my husband trying out a realistic toy but when one was reduced into our price range I suddenly changed my mind. I didn't feel comfortable.

I spoke to my therapist about it. She was excellent. I felt threatened by a pretend vagina much like he did with dildos etc. Yet he saw the pleasure I got. So I bought a £3 one in the sale and we both love it. I cant believe I held back for so long. One day I'll surprise him with a fancy fleshlight or a blewit.

Thank you so much for all your advice guys! I really appreciate you taking the time to give your genuine and honest thoughts... And this is why I love and value the LH community.
After opening up and discussing my feelings with my OH (and getting it off my chest) it's like a massive weight's been lifted. I just felt so silly and selfish and didn't want to show that I was jealous of a toy! I've never been comfortable showing my vulnerable side, or a weakness.
Luckily that's not how he viewed it. Although he is totally confident in himself with regards to me using toys (realistic or not) he completely understood what I was feeling. I'm honestly not usually that selfish, but seriously had a little freak out to myself lol. My bits are all the reality he needs and the toy is exactly that... a toy! I am now officially away to put my big girl panties on and kick little miss insecure to the kerb!
#communicationiskey #dontdwelltell #trustisamust #realmenwillalwayslistennotjudge 💞

Its like some the other huge and brilliant threads her that cut the caff right the wheat. This is a real gem of why love honeysforum community is spectacular.

SHL well done for getting it out there and in a way that is so well explained with the soft underbelly of your emotional insecurities exposed. Only safe in the knowledge that the wonderful people here can be trusted with such a delicate and vulnerable opening up of fellow forum users thoughts.

I'm so happy at your engd result and my option was not required for you t of achieved some peace.

I'm posting on your thread just to use this fantastic opportunity to just get all women who use toys that's this thread taps in how easily Masculinity can be made to feel vulnerable and insecure. As most of you ladies can see how horrible SLH felt many many men feel this way about women having vibraters and dildos. . the most masculine thing there is has to be an erect penis and so many women can know replace it or have something else occasionally.

Obviously not all men feel this bad but it is at the core and many men feel u declined by sex toys and I just hope this amazing thread helps go a long way in explaing why in a great way.


My wife feels the exact same way